Its been awhile since I last posted, I have been busy like everyone else is this Holiday season. It has been a strange one so far and will only continue to be that way as the days pass by. We don't have much planed for Christmas day. I am kind of enjoying the thought of us relaxing taking our time to enjoy it all together this year. We weren't able to make it to Cali, this year and that breaks my heart. It will be the first year without Addy or my family around and I am already starting to feel the effects it has had on my emotions lately. It has been a whirlwind of emotions lately. I don't know what the next second will hold if I will be the same or some unknown emotion hit me. It has been interesting. I guess that is the grieving process it will always keep you guessing what is going to happen next.
The pain of not having her here this Christmas is hard. I feel like I am away from almost everyone I love and it is so hard to face that reality. Its just been hard. But Christmas Day will come like all the rest do and we will have one more milestone behind us and ready to face a new year with a different set of challenges. I am praying that this year will be a baby year. Although I know having a baby isn't going to replace Addy, I don't want to do that anyways but it will help ease some of the sting of her absence. I was thinking the other day about her and what it would have been like with her here. The toys she would have gotten the excitement of Christmas day, probably more from her dad than her this year anyways:) I just missed it all right then. My arms started to long for her and the feeling is so unreal to want to hold something so bad but not have it to hold. I am so looking forward to the the day I get my bear. That is going to be more of a blessing that I can imagine. I am so thankful that God has directed our path and put us were He has the last few months.
I have been working on the bear project now for a few weeks I have gotten 25 full bear insides made and am working on getting a few more done before the first of the year when I ship them off to be made into bears. I am excited that we are able to do this and even more grateful for the interest and encouragement Daniel has given me through out it all. He might not understand the it all but he has been a huge help to me in getting things set up and encourages me to work on it when sometimes I don't feel like it. It has been a healing tool for us both and God's timing on it was perfect.
This will probably be my last post before the new year. We have a busy week ahead of us. Daniel has eye surgery on Tuesday so an unexpected trip to the city will be a great little break. Then off to work the rest of the week before New Years. I hope all have a happy and safe Christmas!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Bears
I am amazed at how God is working in our lives for the better. I knew better things were coming and it might just be something small but I am excited about it. I have been wanting to start something, do something just wanted to help others who have gone through what I have gone through. I know there are a bunch out there and I wanted to help in some way. The last blog I posted a friend commented with a link to another lady that has lost her baby and she is blogging like I have to help her through it. Thank you so much Verla for that, you started it all:)
One night last week we were having a hard night. Just missing Addy the both of us and we were lying in bed holding each other crying and Daniel tells me that he saw a comment on our blog and proceeded to tell me that it had a link to another blog. He said he went on it just to check it out and the blog post was about a bear the writer had received. It was weighted bear the same weight of her lost baby and she had just received it. He told me he was ordering us one. Curious about it all I had to go online and look it all up the next day to see what it was about. That was when I was first introduced to Molly Bears.
Molly Bears is a organization a women started after she lost her infant daughter. The story is really touching and hit pretty close to home. She was given a weighted bear after her loss and decided she was going to start making them for other Mom's who have lost their baby's. She makes bears and sends them to grieving mothers. It gives mothers something to hold and I understand the importance of that. I have struggle to find something that would sooth the aching in my arms and nothing had worked. As I researched it more I went and looked at the waiting list. She has over 300 bears in waiting and she is the only one working on this project. She does it completely out of pocket with no expense to the recipeints. I was amazed and touched that someone had found the right thing to do. After a quick look I was out the door to work. I couldn't stop thinking about this though. The thought of it all just overwhelmed me. As the day drug on I found myself thinking more and more about it and that was when I did it. I emailed the lady and althought at the time I felt silly and unsure of how it came across I just knew I had to do something to help her.
After I sent the email I was scared at how it would be taken. I mean most people don't email strangers and ask to help them. I started to doubt my actions but as I prayed for God to be in the situation and for His will to take over I felt a sudden calmness. I understood that God was in it all and that He was going to give me the response I was waiting for. Sure enough I got an email back and she was eager for the help. I am so excited!! I am going to be helping her make the insides of the bears, the weighted parts. I am ready and excited to do it. I am just amazed at how God put all those pieces together and put me in the path and place to help someone do something for other Mom's like me. I know it sounds silly to be excited about it but I am. I am ready to help get these bears out to other Mom's and to know I had a hand it will be more rewarding than anything.
One night last week we were having a hard night. Just missing Addy the both of us and we were lying in bed holding each other crying and Daniel tells me that he saw a comment on our blog and proceeded to tell me that it had a link to another blog. He said he went on it just to check it out and the blog post was about a bear the writer had received. It was weighted bear the same weight of her lost baby and she had just received it. He told me he was ordering us one. Curious about it all I had to go online and look it all up the next day to see what it was about. That was when I was first introduced to Molly Bears.
Molly Bears is a organization a women started after she lost her infant daughter. The story is really touching and hit pretty close to home. She was given a weighted bear after her loss and decided she was going to start making them for other Mom's who have lost their baby's. She makes bears and sends them to grieving mothers. It gives mothers something to hold and I understand the importance of that. I have struggle to find something that would sooth the aching in my arms and nothing had worked. As I researched it more I went and looked at the waiting list. She has over 300 bears in waiting and she is the only one working on this project. She does it completely out of pocket with no expense to the recipeints. I was amazed and touched that someone had found the right thing to do. After a quick look I was out the door to work. I couldn't stop thinking about this though. The thought of it all just overwhelmed me. As the day drug on I found myself thinking more and more about it and that was when I did it. I emailed the lady and althought at the time I felt silly and unsure of how it came across I just knew I had to do something to help her.
After I sent the email I was scared at how it would be taken. I mean most people don't email strangers and ask to help them. I started to doubt my actions but as I prayed for God to be in the situation and for His will to take over I felt a sudden calmness. I understood that God was in it all and that He was going to give me the response I was waiting for. Sure enough I got an email back and she was eager for the help. I am so excited!! I am going to be helping her make the insides of the bears, the weighted parts. I am ready and excited to do it. I am just amazed at how God put all those pieces together and put me in the path and place to help someone do something for other Mom's like me. I know it sounds silly to be excited about it but I am. I am ready to help get these bears out to other Mom's and to know I had a hand it will be more rewarding than anything.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Happy Birthday Baby!!!
Would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing,
cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that coming-Josh Wilson
I downloaded this song a few weeks ago. Forgot about it and was searching through my music and found it. How appropriate that I forgot about it right? I am sure that was God holding it for me for the perfect time to share it again. He is good at that you know, having the perfect time to share things with us. He has been doing a lot of that the past week and every time it happens I am in shock yet again at what He is doing for us. It is amazing.
We are headed to the city today to celebrate Addy's 1st birthday. Hard to believe its been a year ago since the precious little girl was born. Even though she isn't here with us it still is a good day. We will share the sadness and tears for the separation we are feeling. But we know like the song said we are going to have joy again. A great joy that wouldn't compare to the pain that we have dealt with the last year. We are going to be able to hold her again and that is the hope and the promise I am looking forward to.
It is now Tuesday and a lot has been done since that last start...I never got around to publishing it:) We did go to the city had a weekend of events and shopping ahead of us to try to get through Addy's birthday. It was a good day. We had our moments and our times of tears but we also shared some good times too. We went to dinner the movies and just hung out together and talked about our sweet little girl we miss so much. I think this past week gave us a chance to focus on the future now. It has been so hard to do that with all the pain still throbbing of the loss. But as time goes by the throbbing is starting to ease and God is getting us ready and prepared for His big plans. I am not sure what He has in store but I know it is going to be good. Something to rejoice and have great celebration over. To have joy again is going to be the best gift possible.
I am amazed yet again at how God loves us so much He will just hold us in the dark times and He prepares for the good stuff. He already knows what is coming and someday we will look back and be even more amazed at how He has used this time to allow us to grow. It has been a rough year a rough time, I still miss her like the day she left but I can think about her without crying for a whole day so that is a good start.
We are just looking forward to the next step the next road God is going to lead us down. I am sure it will surpass anything we can imagine. We are just so truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends that have filled our hearts with love and prayers these past few weeks and throughout the year. It has been a great strength for both of us to know that we have people that care enough to remember our little girl with us. To all of you I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. The support you have show to us truly is a reflection of Gods heart and without it this journey would have been unbearable at times. So for all our family and friends who have stuck by us thank you it means more than you can ever know.
Lets get ready for that joy!!!
cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that coming-Josh Wilson
I downloaded this song a few weeks ago. Forgot about it and was searching through my music and found it. How appropriate that I forgot about it right? I am sure that was God holding it for me for the perfect time to share it again. He is good at that you know, having the perfect time to share things with us. He has been doing a lot of that the past week and every time it happens I am in shock yet again at what He is doing for us. It is amazing.
We are headed to the city today to celebrate Addy's 1st birthday. Hard to believe its been a year ago since the precious little girl was born. Even though she isn't here with us it still is a good day. We will share the sadness and tears for the separation we are feeling. But we know like the song said we are going to have joy again. A great joy that wouldn't compare to the pain that we have dealt with the last year. We are going to be able to hold her again and that is the hope and the promise I am looking forward to.
It is now Tuesday and a lot has been done since that last start...I never got around to publishing it:) We did go to the city had a weekend of events and shopping ahead of us to try to get through Addy's birthday. It was a good day. We had our moments and our times of tears but we also shared some good times too. We went to dinner the movies and just hung out together and talked about our sweet little girl we miss so much. I think this past week gave us a chance to focus on the future now. It has been so hard to do that with all the pain still throbbing of the loss. But as time goes by the throbbing is starting to ease and God is getting us ready and prepared for His big plans. I am not sure what He has in store but I know it is going to be good. Something to rejoice and have great celebration over. To have joy again is going to be the best gift possible.
I am amazed yet again at how God loves us so much He will just hold us in the dark times and He prepares for the good stuff. He already knows what is coming and someday we will look back and be even more amazed at how He has used this time to allow us to grow. It has been a rough year a rough time, I still miss her like the day she left but I can think about her without crying for a whole day so that is a good start.
We are just looking forward to the next step the next road God is going to lead us down. I am sure it will surpass anything we can imagine. We are just so truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends that have filled our hearts with love and prayers these past few weeks and throughout the year. It has been a great strength for both of us to know that we have people that care enough to remember our little girl with us. To all of you I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. The support you have show to us truly is a reflection of Gods heart and without it this journey would have been unbearable at times. So for all our family and friends who have stuck by us thank you it means more than you can ever know.
Lets get ready for that joy!!!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Band-aids
He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
--Psalm 147:3, NLT
God is showing us His strength today. After a fairly hard weekend and a week that I have been dreading the arrival of for awhile now, He shows us this verse. I got ready to sit down and write in my journal I always start the entries off with a verse and after praying a quick prayer that God would show me the right thing today I started searching. After reading a few stories I haven't ever really read before I couldn't help but feel like I was just off the mark today. I just wasn't finding what I was looking for. So I pull out my concordance and start looking through that. Still not anything that just seems right. I then decide to give it a break. I write in my journal anyways and then pray and decided to go about my day. I decide to check my email and as I open it a message pops up in my inbox from my Mom. A simple and short email with this verse attached to it. It was KLoves encouraging word for the day. As I open it and read it the tears start to flow again. God is talking to us right now and He is showing us what we need to see.
Not only is He here for us but He is putting bandages on our wounds. He is fixing us up to get ready to get back out there bandaged and ready to go. As I think about this verse and how much it means to me not just the way I have been given it today but also the way the words are speaking to us directly I got to think about how appropriate it is. We are in need of some great big band-aids and God is the only one that has them and is able to fix this hurt. Funny but Daniel I kind of laughed about something similar yesterday while at church. I noticed that one of the men sitting in front of us had his arm around his wife. That wasn't what caught me eye though on his finger was a band-aid and not just a plan sticky brown one. No it was a Scobby-Doo one. I had to laugh and show Daniel. He makes fun of me because the only band-aids I buy are Hello Kitty. The last time Daniel hurt himself and had to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid he thought it was kind of silly. But I had to show him that the band-aid reflects the family. After seeing it my way he doesn't complain to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid if it is for his baby girl:) Anyways that got me to thinking I wonder what Gods band-aid design is?
I like to think He has one especially designed for us. One that can only fix this probably His way. One that He created for me to heal me the only way that He can. I like to know that I am that special that I get a designer one of a kind band-aid from God. I want mine to be purple please:) How special is it that He is not only in the business of holding us when we are hurt but He also applies our band-aids and get us back on our feet again with His love. I think in a way He is telling us that we are going to be better. The healing is starting to hold and we are going to be able to move on. We might have to walk around with a band-aid on for awhile but that is better than having a exposed wounded. He is showing us that we are getting near to happy times and better things. We have walked through this with Him and He isn't going to let go now. So with that I will wear my purple one of a kind God band-aid with pride and know that He is the one fixing me even when it feels like it can't be done. He can and is doing it.
--Psalm 147:3, NLT
God is showing us His strength today. After a fairly hard weekend and a week that I have been dreading the arrival of for awhile now, He shows us this verse. I got ready to sit down and write in my journal I always start the entries off with a verse and after praying a quick prayer that God would show me the right thing today I started searching. After reading a few stories I haven't ever really read before I couldn't help but feel like I was just off the mark today. I just wasn't finding what I was looking for. So I pull out my concordance and start looking through that. Still not anything that just seems right. I then decide to give it a break. I write in my journal anyways and then pray and decided to go about my day. I decide to check my email and as I open it a message pops up in my inbox from my Mom. A simple and short email with this verse attached to it. It was KLoves encouraging word for the day. As I open it and read it the tears start to flow again. God is talking to us right now and He is showing us what we need to see.
Not only is He here for us but He is putting bandages on our wounds. He is fixing us up to get ready to get back out there bandaged and ready to go. As I think about this verse and how much it means to me not just the way I have been given it today but also the way the words are speaking to us directly I got to think about how appropriate it is. We are in need of some great big band-aids and God is the only one that has them and is able to fix this hurt. Funny but Daniel I kind of laughed about something similar yesterday while at church. I noticed that one of the men sitting in front of us had his arm around his wife. That wasn't what caught me eye though on his finger was a band-aid and not just a plan sticky brown one. No it was a Scobby-Doo one. I had to laugh and show Daniel. He makes fun of me because the only band-aids I buy are Hello Kitty. The last time Daniel hurt himself and had to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid he thought it was kind of silly. But I had to show him that the band-aid reflects the family. After seeing it my way he doesn't complain to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid if it is for his baby girl:) Anyways that got me to thinking I wonder what Gods band-aid design is?
I like to think He has one especially designed for us. One that can only fix this probably His way. One that He created for me to heal me the only way that He can. I like to know that I am that special that I get a designer one of a kind band-aid from God. I want mine to be purple please:) How special is it that He is not only in the business of holding us when we are hurt but He also applies our band-aids and get us back on our feet again with His love. I think in a way He is telling us that we are going to be better. The healing is starting to hold and we are going to be able to move on. We might have to walk around with a band-aid on for awhile but that is better than having a exposed wounded. He is showing us that we are getting near to happy times and better things. We have walked through this with Him and He isn't going to let go now. So with that I will wear my purple one of a kind God band-aid with pride and know that He is the one fixing me even when it feels like it can't be done. He can and is doing it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Scorched Places
"And the Lord will continually guide you; and satisfy your desire in scorched places..." Isaiah 58:11
I found my journal today. The one that I have been looking for, the one I started writing in about a year ago. I am so glad I did that now. Although at the time that was all I could do just write down what I was feeling and how things were going but today I can look back on it and know exactly where I was and what I was feeling when I wrote it all down. It has brought me some comfort knowing I can look back and see the progress I have made. Although it is extremely hard to read it is still good to have. I had decided I wanted to start writing in it again. So when I found it I was excited. I opened it up and the last entry I wrote was right before I went back to work this summer. I had started writing in it again after the Lord had opened this job up. I was feeling all sorts of feelings and had to write what I was feeling to sort through them all. As I stood there reading the entry, tears started streaming down my face. I can't explain the pain that I still feel. The emptiness and loneliness that sometimes comes when I am alone in the house that we were all suppose to share together. It is hard. But at the top of the page in purple ink was this verse. I read it and got to thinking.
This verse is very fitting right now. He has and will continue to guide us through these times. Our hearts are broken and scorched. But He is going to be there, He is going to guide us and He is going to get us through yet again. Just like He did this weekend.
Halloween, it isn't that big of a deal not a major holiday that will cause me grief and pain right? That is what I keep telling myself the past week. Until the day came and then the answer was reviled. It was a big deal. We didn't have our Addy to dress up. We weren't going to get to go to the church harvest party with a cute little pumpkin bucket and dressed up. All those dreams I had a year ago, sitting at our party with her kicking inside, all that wasn't going to take place. I woke up heartbroken Saturday morning. I didn't want to get out of bed didn't want to face the day or the events that were going to take place, i couldn't do it. As I lay there clinging to Addy's blanket crying I just started praying, praying God would help me. That He would plan my day so I didn't have to. He would give me a reason to get out of bed and face the day, because I couldn't and didn't want to do it with out Him. Still grieving I got up and decided to work on some projects maybe try to take my mind off of the pain in my heart. As I did a peace came over me, I can't explain it but He just calmed my heart and mind and allowed me to focus on other things.
Pretty soon my phone rings, its Daniel, he proceeded to tell me that after he gets off work we are headed to Oklahoma City. Why? We hadn't planed a trip we have no reason to go down there. We are going next week for Addy's birthday why go this weekend? As I question he tells me. A customer had come in to his shop and had asked him if he wanted to go to the OU game that night. He had tickets and wasn't going to use them needed someone that would use them and go. Since most of the people he knew had kids and Halloween plans that night he wasn't finding anyone that wanted them. God decided we needed them:)
After hanging up the phone and making a last minuet hotel reservation I am suddenly hit with the thought, God did this for us. He placed all this into motion on a day that getting out of bed seemed impossible, God is planning our day just like I asked him too. It was something I can't describe. To most it wouldn't be seen as a God thing but to me it was a clear sign that God is and will continue to guide us even on these hard days.
We had a good time a good weekend and a great drive down just worshiping and thanking God for what He was and is doing for us during this time. It has been hard the closer her birthday comes. But I know that God is going to get us through that and the days around it just like He did this weekend. He is going to comfort us and show us His love and support even on the days we don't know what we are going to do. He is going to be there He is going to guide us and I am convinced He is going to show us the joy after the sorrow. Its coming and I am getting prepared for it. He promised it and I am looking forward to all the happiness He has in store for us, because its coming!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Another day...
Another day, another set of difficult moments, at least for now. It has been a rough day. Starting when I walked through the door at work. I got news that a girl from another department had ended up having her baby last night and she named her Madison June. Of course not knowing what they where talking about I heard that name and had to stop a moment. Did they just say what I was thinking they said? After further conversations it was confirmed that was this new baby’s name. Really how much closer than that can you get to my little girls name? That was hard part number one. I had to excuse myself and go out side for a moment afraid that the emotions that I was feeling and that were written across my face, I am sure, weren’t going to pose as s problem. After my sudden leaving and returning with tear stained face I decided I wasn’t going to let this bother me all day I was determined.
A few hours later after forgetting about that incident for the time being, only due to Gods help, round two hit. I was sitting there minding my own business when a couple came in with two small children. They sit down directly across from me in my line of sight and are doing there business. I hear the man tell the lady waiting on them the smallest of the two boys was going to be a year in a month and a day. Only a few days after my Addy. After hearing this I can’t help but try to avoid all sight of them. I couldn’t get that kid out of my sight. I deiced I am not going to let it get to me I am going to not cry. But as I sit there with nothing in between me and this child I realize I can’t do this. I had to again exit for a few minuets until the couple had safely left my line of sight. I just got caught off guard and didn’t know what to do.
After the two events of my morning have came and went I realize I have a lot of healing still left to do. I didn’t think we were that far off, I figured I had to be getting closer to seeing the light and moving on in a positive way with what we have been left to live with. But again I am wrong. Again I realize without God there is no way I could or would have made it as far as I have. I would be even more of a crazy than I already am. Its only through the strength that God has given to us that lets us get through these moments and move on to the next. I am convinced that once Addy’s birthday is over with, once this milestone has come and gone maybe things will get back to normal. I realize I will always be the grieving mother but that doesn’t mean I have to let it run my life. I will always have these moments and when the world around me is oblivious to anything that might be happening inside my life God isn’t. He knows and He reaches down and picks me up when I can’t do it myself. He is the one that holds me and I can’t forget that ever. Because without Him holding me I wouldn’t be able to do this another day. Thank God that we have Him to hold us in these times!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Hard Days Are Here Again...
Here I am again. As the time get closer to little Addy's first birthday the trauma and pain have hit again. Not at the extent of what it was but never the less it is still here and still a consistent struggle for the both of us as that day draws near. It has been a particularly hard week. After a wonderful 9 day visit with my parents it was time for them to get back to there life in Cali. While we stayed behind and got back to ours. That was particularly hard, but always is. But after they left it was hard to get adjusted to the quite house and it being just the 2 of us again. Not that I don't enjoy that but it just seems like it is a constant reminder of the person that is missing in our day to day life. A year ago I was preparing for our world to grow and expand and be the three of us, in a way it is, but not physically and that hurts sometimes.
Its these times that I miss her the most. I think of her all the time. With the change of color in the leaves and the cooler weather arriving it takes me back to a year ago when all this was happening but with anticipation and excitement that is not here this year. I don't know it is hard to describe the hurt and the emotions that are going through me lately. I have been very emotional at times my emotions just take over before I know what is happening and then it is too late to gain any composure. It is just sudden, violent attacks of pain and then after it is all over I am left feeling worn out and hollow. Almost as if the days ahead are too much to endure. After a year of facing this reality everyday I just wanted it to be over. Or at least be a little more calm. I wasn't prepared for all the memories and all the pain to come flooding back.
It has and will continue to be hard for us. I am sure as the day grows closer maybe I can keep my mind busy with other things so that it isn't as hard as I am expecting it to be. We are going to have a Birthday weekend for her. We are going to go the city see Shrek the musical and see a basketball game with the Youth group. It will be a time of fun but also a time to remember that little precious girl we had to let go of. But we will be here when it is over and I know the only way we are going to get through this, like so many other times recently, God is going to be holding us through it. That is a thought that can and does put me at easy and helps me through these most difficult times.
Its these times that I miss her the most. I think of her all the time. With the change of color in the leaves and the cooler weather arriving it takes me back to a year ago when all this was happening but with anticipation and excitement that is not here this year. I don't know it is hard to describe the hurt and the emotions that are going through me lately. I have been very emotional at times my emotions just take over before I know what is happening and then it is too late to gain any composure. It is just sudden, violent attacks of pain and then after it is all over I am left feeling worn out and hollow. Almost as if the days ahead are too much to endure. After a year of facing this reality everyday I just wanted it to be over. Or at least be a little more calm. I wasn't prepared for all the memories and all the pain to come flooding back.
It has and will continue to be hard for us. I am sure as the day grows closer maybe I can keep my mind busy with other things so that it isn't as hard as I am expecting it to be. We are going to have a Birthday weekend for her. We are going to go the city see Shrek the musical and see a basketball game with the Youth group. It will be a time of fun but also a time to remember that little precious girl we had to let go of. But we will be here when it is over and I know the only way we are going to get through this, like so many other times recently, God is going to be holding us through it. That is a thought that can and does put me at easy and helps me through these most difficult times.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Dreams
Here we go again….
Another moment in time, another day and another month without our little girl. I thought I had been doing pretty good. I thought, that was my first mistake to think that I was getting past the grieving part and on to the living life part. I am sure that to some point we are getting past it all. Trying to make the best out of a situation that we wish would have never happened. Trying to overcome this grief but struggling with even more. It has been a long road and one that I am painfully aware we will have to travel the rest of our life. Although I know the pain will not always be so intense, so brutal I understand that we will always have to deal with it to some extent. It just doesn’t seem fair. That is the state I am in recently. Nothing about this seems fair or is.
The other night I found myself dreaming again of our little baby. She was crying reaching for me but I could never get close enough to hold her. She keep slipping farther and farther away until she was no longer in my sight. I woke up in a cold sweat not wanting to go back to sleep for fear of what I might see while sleeping. With a long prayer and a tear stained pillow I went back to sleep without her in my dreams.
A few night later Daniel is telling me about a dream he had the night after mine. As he tells me all I can do is cry while I listen. In his dream he was at home and Addy shows up with him. As you can imagine we get so excited to see her. She is talking and having a good time. He is holding her in his arms and is wanting to take her out to show off our little miracle child. The one that has been gone but know is back. As he gets her ready he is telling her his plans and all the people she is going to meet. She stops him in his tracks when she tells him “ Daddy I can’t go I have to wait for Him.” Confused and not knowing who she is talking about Daniel tries to convince her that there isn’t any one she needs to wait for we all are here. She tells him again, “ No daddy I have to wait for Him and you do too.” Then he sees Him. He sees the person Addy insists on waiting for it is our Jesus. He doesn’t do or say anything he stretches out His arms and Addy returns to them then He tells Daniel “ I have her for now just keep trusting in me and you too can go with us one day.” Then she is gone. As quickly as she came.
The dreams, the moments that we both can be with her, for a seconds those are the times that have seemed to play the toll on my mood lately. Then a few days ago it all hit again. I woke up feeling like it happened the day before. Like it all was so new again. The pain, the scarred feelings the unbelief. It was too much. I didn’t get much done I just feel apart every time I tried to move on with life. It was like life is moving on too quickly without her. Too quickly to forget that she was ever here, too quickly for my emotions to catch up. I couldn’t focus or have motivation to do anything so I decided to get ready and head to the store. On my way I compose myself and as I walk threw the front doors I see a pregnant lady walk past me. It was all I could do to not walk out right there. I needed to get some things though so I trudge on. Eventually I head back to the car no sooner do I start the car that my tears start to flow. I cried all the way home. Not sure why, but once they started the wouldn’t quit. I got home and Daniel was there for lunch. I immediately fell into his arms and just let all my emotions drain out.
As the days and weeks go on I realize there are going to be more moments like this. I will never be the same not without her here. I am always going to have days or weeks that seem to be overwhelming and hard. But I also know that when those times come I have an amazing husband and family that will help me through and I will make it to another day.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Peep
"In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Our Peep...
A year ago tomorrow will mark one year. One year since he left this world and went to be with our Nan and His Jesus. I find myself missing him more but finding it reassuring to in a way that he is were he looked forward to going for all those many years. He was the best Peep anyone could have wanted and he was ours. I feel blessed to have been able to grow up around him and to have been able to spend all those unforgettable times with him.
I find comfort in knowing he is in heaven with Nan and Addy. I can picture him humming to her and playing with her just as he did with me. He got to see her smiling face before we did, but it helps me to know that she is in a safe place and with people who love her. Although when he left she was still here with us it wasn't long before she went to that place to meet him and I am thankful he was there to greet her. I can just picture him walking her around showing her all the wonderful things and teaching her about music, the one thing they both loved.
I can't but help think of the first thing Daniel said to me that day when we realized she was no longer here. "She is with Peep and Nan in heaven." Just knowing that helps. I am sure they were happy to see her and are having great fun waiting for all of us to get there too.
I can't help but find myself searching for Peeps verse sometimes. Especially in the past year. I have had alot of times when I just don't understand it all. Don't get why things have happened and why we are where we are in life. I just don't get it but when I read those words I can feel him telling me to not worry but be thankful for what I do have. I learned a lot from Peep but the way he lived his life for God that is one thing that I will never be able to forget. He was such a strong believer and he wasn't afraid to tell you how it was concerning his God. He taught me so much just by watching what he did. He defiantly showed me somethings I would have never been exposed to if it wasn't for him and he enriched my life with such powerful lessons I will never forget.
We got to spend some good times together from picking me up from preschool, most of the time he found me asleep in a tunnel in the playground, to taking trips together during summer break. We went alot of places and saw alot of stuff together. But we were together and that was what made it fun. He did and said some funny stuff and those are things I will remember forever.
As this year has passed and all has happened I have found myself missing him more. Although I am grateful he didn't have to suffer much. I am grateful that he was able to finally go home to the place he sang about and looked forward to going all those years. It is still hard not to miss him. So to my Peep... I will always miss you and love you. You were one person I knew was praying for me everyday and one of the people that have made me what I am today. I love you and miss you. Watch over my Addy for me and one day we will get to be together again. I am looking forward to that day.
To see His star is good, but to see His face is better.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Our God
Into the darkness you shine,
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like you,
none like you....
There is no one like Our God. The word above have been in my head for a few days now. It wasn't until a few days ago I finally downloaded this song. Being addicted to new music I had put myself on an Itunes restriction. I love to sit down and get new music new sounds to listen to and new stuff from my favorite artists. One thing I don't download is music from different artist. This one is not of course from an artist who isn't already an extensive collection to my ipod music. But a different song from Chris Tomlin is all I could do to not want to download it. I refrained for a while until, a few weeks ago sitting in church the band started playing and I instantly knew what song we were going to do. It was this one. I love this song the words are more what I have been thinking the past few months than anything else out there. I just had to have it. So I did eventually cave in bought this along with some other music to go with it for my trip:)
But its the words that describe us. It describes all that He has done for us. The fact that in the darkness He was there shinning the light for us. Out of the ashes of our little girl not being here He is pulling us from the pile still smoldering in our hearts and is making us into something new and something that is more pure. Its just a small example of what Our God can and has done for us. He is greater, stronger and higher than any other. He is Our God.
Looking back on what has happened on the past few months and the great things God has done for us even lately. I can't believe what He has done for us and what He is doing to us. It is amazing the things that He is setting into place and the opportunities He is opening up for us. To the outside world they might be small or just coincidences but to me they are a sign that My God hasn't given up on me. He is still working to bring me out of this and He is going to show us what to do now. That has been the hardest part. Not knowing what to do next. Were to go or what to expect but I think with just staying put and letting God guide us we will be ok. He knows where He is taking us and we just have to trust that He will guide us to the good He has in store for us.
For that I am forever grateful, without Our God we wouldn't have been able to move forward like we have. I am not saying it isn't hard we still have hard moments, times and days but I know that when those times come He will be there to pull me out once again. Without that hope I wouldn't be able to go on but knowing I have that is what keeps me going day to day.
Because...
Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer,
Awesome in power
Our God...
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like you,
none like you....
There is no one like Our God. The word above have been in my head for a few days now. It wasn't until a few days ago I finally downloaded this song. Being addicted to new music I had put myself on an Itunes restriction. I love to sit down and get new music new sounds to listen to and new stuff from my favorite artists. One thing I don't download is music from different artist. This one is not of course from an artist who isn't already an extensive collection to my ipod music. But a different song from Chris Tomlin is all I could do to not want to download it. I refrained for a while until, a few weeks ago sitting in church the band started playing and I instantly knew what song we were going to do. It was this one. I love this song the words are more what I have been thinking the past few months than anything else out there. I just had to have it. So I did eventually cave in bought this along with some other music to go with it for my trip:)
But its the words that describe us. It describes all that He has done for us. The fact that in the darkness He was there shinning the light for us. Out of the ashes of our little girl not being here He is pulling us from the pile still smoldering in our hearts and is making us into something new and something that is more pure. Its just a small example of what Our God can and has done for us. He is greater, stronger and higher than any other. He is Our God.
Looking back on what has happened on the past few months and the great things God has done for us even lately. I can't believe what He has done for us and what He is doing to us. It is amazing the things that He is setting into place and the opportunities He is opening up for us. To the outside world they might be small or just coincidences but to me they are a sign that My God hasn't given up on me. He is still working to bring me out of this and He is going to show us what to do now. That has been the hardest part. Not knowing what to do next. Were to go or what to expect but I think with just staying put and letting God guide us we will be ok. He knows where He is taking us and we just have to trust that He will guide us to the good He has in store for us.
For that I am forever grateful, without Our God we wouldn't have been able to move forward like we have. I am not saying it isn't hard we still have hard moments, times and days but I know that when those times come He will be there to pull me out once again. Without that hope I wouldn't be able to go on but knowing I have that is what keeps me going day to day.
Because...
Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer,
Awesome in power
Our God...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
July 20, 2009
Its the 20th today. A day that is normal and uneventful to the world around us. A day that means nothing really but it holds a place in my heart forever. It was this day a year ago that we went to the doctor anticipating the news. It was this day that we went into the lab I layed down on a table and they squirted that warm ( our tech is the best and warms it for you) goo on my belly. It was this day a year ago we learned we were having a baby girl. Our little hamburger. This was the first time we were ever introduced fully to our little Addison. Up to that point sure we talk, sang and did all that stuff to her but it was that day that we first laid sight on our little Addy.
A year later and things aren't what we expected for them to be a year ago. We have had our life turned upside down, sideways and any way but the right way. We have faced trials and battles I would have never believed we could have faced and we are still standing, only by Gods strength mind you not our own. If it looks like we are standing tall it is because God has supported us up to look that way. But a year ago Daniel got to gloat because he was right. We got to call our family and friends with the good news.. We got to go shopping for little girl things. All that has stopped and in its place is a hole in my heart and a tear on my check.
Even still to this day I miss her every moment. The other day i was sitting at work minding my own business unaware that there was even a baby in the building. Until i heard its cry and I had to do all I could to hold back my own tears. It is just so overwhelming still to see, hear or be near babies. Every time I see one everytime i hear one my mind automatically goes to the fact that I had that but couldn't handle it. I know that is irrational. I know it wasn't my fault but that doesn't keep the pain from being there or the thoughts to creep up anyways. It is still so hard at times.
Although the times are getting easier I can know work with the public something I didn't even think i could do a few weeks ago even. I have had my times of struggles. My times of having to excuse myself because tears were forcing there way out and I couldn't stop them. But in those times I look to the one that had brought us this far and know He isn't going to stop now.
A year ago if you would have told me my life would be totally different. Nothing would be the same I sure wouldn't have thought you meant in this way. Sure I would have been at home with Addy, having to get use to those moments when I want to just run away. But this way I would have never believed you. But with Gods help I will make it through. He has brought me through another trivial day and another mile stone in our lives that only He could get me through.
From know on I will always look at July 20 as a special day. It might not mean anything to anyone but me but that is ok. It is just another day to remember and be thankful for those times I did get to share with her. If that is how I can get through these times than that is what I am going to do. Remember her and the God that has brought us through all these trials together.
A year later and things aren't what we expected for them to be a year ago. We have had our life turned upside down, sideways and any way but the right way. We have faced trials and battles I would have never believed we could have faced and we are still standing, only by Gods strength mind you not our own. If it looks like we are standing tall it is because God has supported us up to look that way. But a year ago Daniel got to gloat because he was right. We got to call our family and friends with the good news.. We got to go shopping for little girl things. All that has stopped and in its place is a hole in my heart and a tear on my check.
Even still to this day I miss her every moment. The other day i was sitting at work minding my own business unaware that there was even a baby in the building. Until i heard its cry and I had to do all I could to hold back my own tears. It is just so overwhelming still to see, hear or be near babies. Every time I see one everytime i hear one my mind automatically goes to the fact that I had that but couldn't handle it. I know that is irrational. I know it wasn't my fault but that doesn't keep the pain from being there or the thoughts to creep up anyways. It is still so hard at times.
Although the times are getting easier I can know work with the public something I didn't even think i could do a few weeks ago even. I have had my times of struggles. My times of having to excuse myself because tears were forcing there way out and I couldn't stop them. But in those times I look to the one that had brought us this far and know He isn't going to stop now.
A year ago if you would have told me my life would be totally different. Nothing would be the same I sure wouldn't have thought you meant in this way. Sure I would have been at home with Addy, having to get use to those moments when I want to just run away. But this way I would have never believed you. But with Gods help I will make it through. He has brought me through another trivial day and another mile stone in our lives that only He could get me through.
From know on I will always look at July 20 as a special day. It might not mean anything to anyone but me but that is ok. It is just another day to remember and be thankful for those times I did get to share with her. If that is how I can get through these times than that is what I am going to do. Remember her and the God that has brought us through all these trials together.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Change...Something I Am Not Good At
Change I don't like that word much nor do I like the meaning associated with it. It has been a long year of changes and it only seems to keep coming. I know that it isn't always a bad thing and sometimes change has to happen for us to get on the right paths and do what God wants us to, but that still doesn't make it any easier. I know I get this apprehension of change from my Mom's side of the family. Peep was never a one that liked change that is for sure. But sometimes it isn't about what we want but what God wants and that is what I have been dealing with yet again this week.
I started my new job on Tuesday and although I was scarred and reluctant to go I knew God had given me this opportunity and I had to at least go check it out and see what He had in store for me. It wasn't bad first day jitters came and went and over the course of the week all the stuff I had done for those almost 5 years at the other bank started to come back to me and needless to say I am picking it up alot more than I expected to. The job wasn't really the part I was dreading. The people were. I didn't know if I was ready to be out in the public again. Having to see all those babies and pregnant people. All the reminders of things I had but have lost. It is so hard.
I wasn't really ready but God has given me the strength to live through each situation when it arises and then move on. It has been hard in ways. I feel like I have to give up my baby girl yet once again and I hate that feeling. I am not sleeping well again like I did after we lost her. I sleep just have horrible dreams that wake me up screaming, crying or feeling like I just want to beat the snot out of something. So I wake up getting ready for my new job grouchy and hung over from a night of fighting in my sleep. Its been hard but I am making it. The job hasn't been that hard and for that I am truly grateful.
Friday though that was my first hard day at work. Not because of work but because of what took place. When I thought of this new job I never really though of all the new people that I would have to work with. Never even thought about the questions and the answers I would have to give. It happened Friday. We all got to talking they wanted to know about me. Asked the typical questions but then the big one came up and I didn't know how to respond like always. Asking about if we have children. Its hard to tell people that you do but you don't. A lot of times they don't get it and if they do they want more of the story. That's the part I dread. Not because I don't want people to know I just am afraid I might start crying again and not be able to stop. Its just so hard sometimes.
After I got through that part of the day it seemed to be going ok then a customer drove up. It was a face I haven't seen since that day we had to give her up for good and one I didn't think about honestly. But the funeral director pulled up, in that van he transported my precious baby in. It was almost more than I could take. I couldn't wait on him I had to run to the bathroom before the tears started streaming. It was a hard moment one I wasn't planning on having to face. Having to pull my composure together and head back to work I prayed for the strength to make it through this day.
As the day rolled on my arms started hurting again. Longing for that little body to hold. Wanting her to be here so I could just hold her. It was starting to get unbearable. I prayed again for God to give me the strength to make it through and He did. I just don't understand sometimes why these things come up when they do. When you think you have gotten over that part of the pain or you are healing more each day, then you have times like these that seem to stop all progress that seemed to have been made and go back to that same struggle once again. I know it is just part of the process but does it really have to be this hard forever?
Next week I am headed to a new branch of the bank, meaning more new people and more new questions to answer. I can only imagine what will happen but as long as I know I can call on God and He will come to rescue than I know I will be ok. He has put this opportunity in my path for a reason and I want to do all I can to make His plan fall into play. So I will go to work on Monday be prepared for those questions and looks and pray that God gives me the strenght each day to get through yet another day of life without our Addy.
I started my new job on Tuesday and although I was scarred and reluctant to go I knew God had given me this opportunity and I had to at least go check it out and see what He had in store for me. It wasn't bad first day jitters came and went and over the course of the week all the stuff I had done for those almost 5 years at the other bank started to come back to me and needless to say I am picking it up alot more than I expected to. The job wasn't really the part I was dreading. The people were. I didn't know if I was ready to be out in the public again. Having to see all those babies and pregnant people. All the reminders of things I had but have lost. It is so hard.
I wasn't really ready but God has given me the strength to live through each situation when it arises and then move on. It has been hard in ways. I feel like I have to give up my baby girl yet once again and I hate that feeling. I am not sleeping well again like I did after we lost her. I sleep just have horrible dreams that wake me up screaming, crying or feeling like I just want to beat the snot out of something. So I wake up getting ready for my new job grouchy and hung over from a night of fighting in my sleep. Its been hard but I am making it. The job hasn't been that hard and for that I am truly grateful.
Friday though that was my first hard day at work. Not because of work but because of what took place. When I thought of this new job I never really though of all the new people that I would have to work with. Never even thought about the questions and the answers I would have to give. It happened Friday. We all got to talking they wanted to know about me. Asked the typical questions but then the big one came up and I didn't know how to respond like always. Asking about if we have children. Its hard to tell people that you do but you don't. A lot of times they don't get it and if they do they want more of the story. That's the part I dread. Not because I don't want people to know I just am afraid I might start crying again and not be able to stop. Its just so hard sometimes.
After I got through that part of the day it seemed to be going ok then a customer drove up. It was a face I haven't seen since that day we had to give her up for good and one I didn't think about honestly. But the funeral director pulled up, in that van he transported my precious baby in. It was almost more than I could take. I couldn't wait on him I had to run to the bathroom before the tears started streaming. It was a hard moment one I wasn't planning on having to face. Having to pull my composure together and head back to work I prayed for the strength to make it through this day.
As the day rolled on my arms started hurting again. Longing for that little body to hold. Wanting her to be here so I could just hold her. It was starting to get unbearable. I prayed again for God to give me the strength to make it through and He did. I just don't understand sometimes why these things come up when they do. When you think you have gotten over that part of the pain or you are healing more each day, then you have times like these that seem to stop all progress that seemed to have been made and go back to that same struggle once again. I know it is just part of the process but does it really have to be this hard forever?
Next week I am headed to a new branch of the bank, meaning more new people and more new questions to answer. I can only imagine what will happen but as long as I know I can call on God and He will come to rescue than I know I will be ok. He has put this opportunity in my path for a reason and I want to do all I can to make His plan fall into play. So I will go to work on Monday be prepared for those questions and looks and pray that God gives me the strenght each day to get through yet another day of life without our Addy.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Job
I got a job!!? I wasn't even looking which leaves only one explanation, God. He has been working on this and has put this job in my path at this time in my life for a reason. I am not sure why and I am not sure what to expect but I had to reply to His offer. Here is how it all went down.
A few weeks ago when we were in California my husband got a call from his aunt. She wanted to know if I wanted a job. He wasn't sure what to say so he got me on the phone with her. At first I was excited. It is still in the bank industry, still being a teller like before only at a different bank than before. I was kind of excited about it and it did help me come back. I didn't want to but it did help to know I had an opportunity I had to check out. So I went in that week we got back on Friday. Got an application and filled it out that day. Then it sat on my kitchen counter for about a week and half or so. I don't know why. I was just so reluctant to finally take it down there. What if they really did hire me? Am I ready, do I really want a job, or even this one? All those questions just stopped me from pursuing it any more. Yet I could never shake the thought that I needed to take it in. Finally last Wednesday Daniel's aunt called again and wanted to know if I was ever going to bring the app in? I was caught I had to do it now. So I got ready got in the car and drove it down there. I got to talk to the Human Resource lady that time and we had a short conversation about what they wanted and all. They seemed really interested in me. She said she was going to call me back either that following Friday or Monday. So It was a waiting game then.
On my way home I realized that I was kind of excited about the prospect of going back to work. Maybe it will help me along this journey. It will only be part time once I get the gist of it all and I think that would be good for me when I finally do get pregnant again. I don't want to work full time but I don't know what God wants either. So I waited. I finally hear from her and they had decided to hire me. No more wondering I got the job. That is when all the fear and panic set in.
It wasn't that bad at first kind of exciting to get back in the game and get out there and earn some money. But then it all hit me this morning and I had no clue what I was in for. I woke up after having some very scary dreams. I was agitated but more than anything i was afraid. Afraid to go back, afraid of what to expect. I felt like what I would have expected a drunk to feel like after a night of parting. I was confused, dizzy and had no idea what to even think. It was just so weird. I finally pulled myself out of bed and headed out for our morning walk. As we walked I started thinking and that is when it started to come a little more clear to me. I was panicked about this job. What it meant, what it represented but most scary of it all the change it was going to put on my life.
I have gotten so use to being home in my bubble. When I am having a hard day I can just stay home and focus on getting through it. But if I have to get up and go to work will I be able to do that? Not just that but the fact of what it represented. It represented a life that didn't happen. I had planned to stay home for a reason. That reason isn't here so there is really no reason to keep me at home. But to accept all that, that is what has me in freak out mode.
I know I shouldn't be worried about it. But to think about this is like saying good-bye to her all over again. Saying good-bye to those dreams of me staying home and taking care of her. And even though I haven't had her here to take care of it is still feeling like I am having to give her up all over again. It is just so scary. I don't know. My first day is Tuesday and as that day draws closer I get more frightful at what is in store. I know that if it is a God thing, which there is no doubt it isn't than it will be good I just have to trust in that. But still a piece of me doesn't want to let go, not yet, not again.
A few weeks ago when we were in California my husband got a call from his aunt. She wanted to know if I wanted a job. He wasn't sure what to say so he got me on the phone with her. At first I was excited. It is still in the bank industry, still being a teller like before only at a different bank than before. I was kind of excited about it and it did help me come back. I didn't want to but it did help to know I had an opportunity I had to check out. So I went in that week we got back on Friday. Got an application and filled it out that day. Then it sat on my kitchen counter for about a week and half or so. I don't know why. I was just so reluctant to finally take it down there. What if they really did hire me? Am I ready, do I really want a job, or even this one? All those questions just stopped me from pursuing it any more. Yet I could never shake the thought that I needed to take it in. Finally last Wednesday Daniel's aunt called again and wanted to know if I was ever going to bring the app in? I was caught I had to do it now. So I got ready got in the car and drove it down there. I got to talk to the Human Resource lady that time and we had a short conversation about what they wanted and all. They seemed really interested in me. She said she was going to call me back either that following Friday or Monday. So It was a waiting game then.
On my way home I realized that I was kind of excited about the prospect of going back to work. Maybe it will help me along this journey. It will only be part time once I get the gist of it all and I think that would be good for me when I finally do get pregnant again. I don't want to work full time but I don't know what God wants either. So I waited. I finally hear from her and they had decided to hire me. No more wondering I got the job. That is when all the fear and panic set in.
It wasn't that bad at first kind of exciting to get back in the game and get out there and earn some money. But then it all hit me this morning and I had no clue what I was in for. I woke up after having some very scary dreams. I was agitated but more than anything i was afraid. Afraid to go back, afraid of what to expect. I felt like what I would have expected a drunk to feel like after a night of parting. I was confused, dizzy and had no idea what to even think. It was just so weird. I finally pulled myself out of bed and headed out for our morning walk. As we walked I started thinking and that is when it started to come a little more clear to me. I was panicked about this job. What it meant, what it represented but most scary of it all the change it was going to put on my life.
I have gotten so use to being home in my bubble. When I am having a hard day I can just stay home and focus on getting through it. But if I have to get up and go to work will I be able to do that? Not just that but the fact of what it represented. It represented a life that didn't happen. I had planned to stay home for a reason. That reason isn't here so there is really no reason to keep me at home. But to accept all that, that is what has me in freak out mode.
I know I shouldn't be worried about it. But to think about this is like saying good-bye to her all over again. Saying good-bye to those dreams of me staying home and taking care of her. And even though I haven't had her here to take care of it is still feeling like I am having to give her up all over again. It is just so scary. I don't know. My first day is Tuesday and as that day draws closer I get more frightful at what is in store. I know that if it is a God thing, which there is no doubt it isn't than it will be good I just have to trust in that. But still a piece of me doesn't want to let go, not yet, not again.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Endurance
"Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:3
What is Endurance? I know what the dictionary definition is it is the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. But what does it really mean in life? In our faith? As I was studying today I came across this word and for some reason my eyes just stopped on it. When I think about endurance I think of a marathon. Runners pushing themselves to the limits to reach there goal and cross that finish line. I think of the strength it takes to finish that race. To finish... To endure is to finish that which we have started in a way. We will only get to the finish line if we endure all that is waiting for us before we get there right? I found this other definition and I really liked it, it says that endurance is the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships.
The power of bearing pain or hardships. That is so what it feels like we are doing right now. We are enduring the pain. We are getting through this hardship, we are striving to finish this painful part of our lives. We will always have the memories the times when it all seems to be too real to bear but to get through it and endure until the end that is what I am striving for. The strength to keep moving even when I want to collapse and bury myself under all the pain. God wont let me do that though. Even when I try and want to He always pulls me up and gets me to a point where I can get back out there and run a few more steps. Even if now my endurance can only handle a few steps I want to take those because that is what God has planned for me.
The best part of this is that He is the one that is allowing me to endure in the first place. Without Him I would have probably done just that, buried myself and not ever wanted to get out again. I would have taken myself out of the race permanently. But with God He knows that and He knows me, so He can help me when I reach those tough times. I know there will be tough times ahead. I am sure of that but He is going to give me the strength and the confidence to endure those times. That's all I need then.
I found this verse by accident, well I now know that it wasn't an accident God wanted me to see this verse, but it wasn't even what I was looking up. Just another proven way that God is directing me to the places He wants me to be. If I fall down, which I will, He will come pick me up. That is an amazing thought and it gives me peace to move on and be able to live life the way He wants me to. To do what He wants me to do...now if I can just figure that part out:)
What is Endurance? I know what the dictionary definition is it is the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. But what does it really mean in life? In our faith? As I was studying today I came across this word and for some reason my eyes just stopped on it. When I think about endurance I think of a marathon. Runners pushing themselves to the limits to reach there goal and cross that finish line. I think of the strength it takes to finish that race. To finish... To endure is to finish that which we have started in a way. We will only get to the finish line if we endure all that is waiting for us before we get there right? I found this other definition and I really liked it, it says that endurance is the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships.
The power of bearing pain or hardships. That is so what it feels like we are doing right now. We are enduring the pain. We are getting through this hardship, we are striving to finish this painful part of our lives. We will always have the memories the times when it all seems to be too real to bear but to get through it and endure until the end that is what I am striving for. The strength to keep moving even when I want to collapse and bury myself under all the pain. God wont let me do that though. Even when I try and want to He always pulls me up and gets me to a point where I can get back out there and run a few more steps. Even if now my endurance can only handle a few steps I want to take those because that is what God has planned for me.
The best part of this is that He is the one that is allowing me to endure in the first place. Without Him I would have probably done just that, buried myself and not ever wanted to get out again. I would have taken myself out of the race permanently. But with God He knows that and He knows me, so He can help me when I reach those tough times. I know there will be tough times ahead. I am sure of that but He is going to give me the strength and the confidence to endure those times. That's all I need then.
I found this verse by accident, well I now know that it wasn't an accident God wanted me to see this verse, but it wasn't even what I was looking up. Just another proven way that God is directing me to the places He wants me to be. If I fall down, which I will, He will come pick me up. That is an amazing thought and it gives me peace to move on and be able to live life the way He wants me to. To do what He wants me to do...now if I can just figure that part out:)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Special Weekend
It had been a special weekend of just fun and relaxing just me and my man. That was so good to get away and just hang out with him. We do alot together but its these special times I cherish the most. Since Addy our whole perspective on things have changed especially special events or milestones. We know try to celebrate it all because we never know when the last time we get to do that will be. We celebrate birthdays and Mother's and Father's day now was the time to celebrate us.
Its hard to believe that 7 years ago we said those vows and made that special day a reality. Life goes by so fast and if 7 years ago you would have told me what was going to happen I would have still married him. I am sure we would have made different issues involving having kids but other than that there isn't anything I can think of that we would do over again differently. It has been rough the past few months and a time to reflect on us and get back to just being us again was good. Although there is always something missing. Last year we went to the Zoo for our anniversary, with Addy. This year we went to a Redhawks baseball game and shopping!!
As we celebrate this day it is hard not to miss her. Hard not to think about what it would have been like. I am sure we would have still celebrated just with her here with us. I had always dreamed of her watching our wedding video and getting to see that special day unfold with her own eyes but that is a corny dream and tradition that none of my children will really want to be accustom to I am sure. Its just different. As time goes by it starts to feel more and more like it is always just going to be the 2 of us. Although I know God has better plans and it will all work out in midst of it all it is still hard to look to the future when there is a gaping hole in it that will never get fixed.
But if we have days that need celebrated we are going to do that and make them special. It might not mean anything to anyone else but to me it means alot. Daniel has been by my side this whole time never letting go and that is all that I could have asked him to do. He truly has surpassed all my dreams in that aspect and he does all he can to make me happy. I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend this day with or to spend these past 7 years with. They have been truly amazing and an adventure. I love him more now than ever and to see him live his feelings out for me everyday is all I ever wanted.
So to Daniel thank you for the past few years. It has been amazing and exciting. Thank you for sticking with me through all this and understand, or at least acting like you do, when I am going crazy. I love you and hope the next chapter in our life is just as good as this one. I love you bunches.
Its hard to believe that 7 years ago we said those vows and made that special day a reality. Life goes by so fast and if 7 years ago you would have told me what was going to happen I would have still married him. I am sure we would have made different issues involving having kids but other than that there isn't anything I can think of that we would do over again differently. It has been rough the past few months and a time to reflect on us and get back to just being us again was good. Although there is always something missing. Last year we went to the Zoo for our anniversary, with Addy. This year we went to a Redhawks baseball game and shopping!!
As we celebrate this day it is hard not to miss her. Hard not to think about what it would have been like. I am sure we would have still celebrated just with her here with us. I had always dreamed of her watching our wedding video and getting to see that special day unfold with her own eyes but that is a corny dream and tradition that none of my children will really want to be accustom to I am sure. Its just different. As time goes by it starts to feel more and more like it is always just going to be the 2 of us. Although I know God has better plans and it will all work out in midst of it all it is still hard to look to the future when there is a gaping hole in it that will never get fixed.
But if we have days that need celebrated we are going to do that and make them special. It might not mean anything to anyone else but to me it means alot. Daniel has been by my side this whole time never letting go and that is all that I could have asked him to do. He truly has surpassed all my dreams in that aspect and he does all he can to make me happy. I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend this day with or to spend these past 7 years with. They have been truly amazing and an adventure. I love him more now than ever and to see him live his feelings out for me everyday is all I ever wanted.
So to Daniel thank you for the past few years. It has been amazing and exciting. Thank you for sticking with me through all this and understand, or at least acting like you do, when I am going crazy. I love you and hope the next chapter in our life is just as good as this one. I love you bunches.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Johnny Depp Why Do You Haunt Me?
Another night and another chance to dream. Lately my dreams have been more strange than ever, starting with my dream at the lake when we were at home. Here is the low down first. We haven't really watched a lot of movies lately. We use to be the ones that keep up with all the latest, had seen all the greatest ones but in the last year or more we just have been too busy or too tired to sit down and keep up with it all. There is more to life than that these days. With that being said there is no explainable reason then why I am having these dreams but here they are.
The first one. I dreamed that while at the lake we ran into Johnny Depp, who I must add I have never really cared for. He is pretty good at being a pirate but the last movie I saw with him in it was Crybaby and lets just say it wasn't as good as I remember it. But anyways so in my dream he came and picked me up from my parents house. We were going to go on a date. We decided to go to Long John Silvers since his hair is so greasy anyways eating extra grease wasn't going to hurt. So we sat in the restaurant eating our chicken and fries, talking and having a good time. We leave and he takes me home that was the extent of the date. We ate at Long Johns and went home how romantic right?
Getting up the next morning I questioned if I had even had that dream since it was so off the wall. Needless to say I had to share my dreams only because they make no sense to me. On to dream two.
In the second dream, which I just had 2 nights ago, I had just started a cupcake shop. I was busy all the time and had no time for anything but cupcakes. I had grand dreams about those cupcakes too. Maybe this diet is making me delusional or something. Anyways while at my shop one night getting ready for the next day of cupcake craziness there was a knock at the door. It was after hours it scarred me so I reached for a dangerous and oh so protective hand mixer to protect me if this was a boogie man. I reach the door with mixer in hand and realize it is Johnny there he is again wanting to come in. So of course I open the door he comes in and wants some cupcakes to go. I give him what I have left after a very long and busy day and that was that.
The only question is why does he keep showing up in my dreams? I don't get it. It isn't like I have a start crush I don't even really like the guy. He is kind of creepy looking so why do I keep dreaming of him? And why do my dreams always involve food is that odd? Anyways just thought I would share the inner workings of my scary dreams. I don't know why he is haunting me but if he shows up again I don't know what I am going to do.
The first one. I dreamed that while at the lake we ran into Johnny Depp, who I must add I have never really cared for. He is pretty good at being a pirate but the last movie I saw with him in it was Crybaby and lets just say it wasn't as good as I remember it. But anyways so in my dream he came and picked me up from my parents house. We were going to go on a date. We decided to go to Long John Silvers since his hair is so greasy anyways eating extra grease wasn't going to hurt. So we sat in the restaurant eating our chicken and fries, talking and having a good time. We leave and he takes me home that was the extent of the date. We ate at Long Johns and went home how romantic right?
Getting up the next morning I questioned if I had even had that dream since it was so off the wall. Needless to say I had to share my dreams only because they make no sense to me. On to dream two.
In the second dream, which I just had 2 nights ago, I had just started a cupcake shop. I was busy all the time and had no time for anything but cupcakes. I had grand dreams about those cupcakes too. Maybe this diet is making me delusional or something. Anyways while at my shop one night getting ready for the next day of cupcake craziness there was a knock at the door. It was after hours it scarred me so I reached for a dangerous and oh so protective hand mixer to protect me if this was a boogie man. I reach the door with mixer in hand and realize it is Johnny there he is again wanting to come in. So of course I open the door he comes in and wants some cupcakes to go. I give him what I have left after a very long and busy day and that was that.
The only question is why does he keep showing up in my dreams? I don't get it. It isn't like I have a start crush I don't even really like the guy. He is kind of creepy looking so why do I keep dreaming of him? And why do my dreams always involve food is that odd? Anyways just thought I would share the inner workings of my scary dreams. I don't know why he is haunting me but if he shows up again I don't know what I am going to do.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Won't Let Me Go
" When my heart breaks and everything's shaking
I'm left alone in the rain,
You won't, you won't, won't
You won't let me go
Life's insane and everything's crazy
You carry me through the pain
You won't, you won't, won't
You won't let me go..." Addison Road, Won't Let Me Go, Stories
One of new favorite songs from a band that I love, the name might have something to do with it:) I bought this new album yesterday after stumbling upon there single, Fight Another Day, a few weeks ago. This seems to bring alot of my emotions to life. This is exactly what I am feeling at this moment. Not only am I having to make the choice to fight another day and get up and battle life but I feel like life is crazy. Our life, what we planed for was shaking away from us and there have been times I felt like I am left alone to deal with it all. But what the song says He won't let me go is true I believe that and I don't believe He has let me go to this day. The only way I can get up and live life everyday is knowing that He is there to hold me and not let me go.
Its been a pretty emotional week. Not sure why. I guess just being tired trying to figure things out and just life has gotten to me. I need a break from all this. I need some time to just be me again. I feel like I have changed so much I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want out of life I am just here. I don't know what to do next were to go next I feel like I am just standing watching the world around me go on with life, while I am stuck on this chapter in my life. I know I am making progress but at times it feels like I am progressing backwards rather than forwards.
I know it is time to start living life again. Getting back to a normal state. If there ever will be one. Nothing will be normal after something like this. Every aspect of our lives have changed and I find myself struggling to find that new normal. Maybe I have found it and just need to settle into it and except it. I need to except it for what it is and not long for it to be anything more than what I have in front of me. One day it is going to be different. But until then I can hold on to the truth that He isn't going to let me go, no matter how hard or rough it gets he is going to hold on to me and not let go.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Father's Day Came and Went
Fathers Day a day I haven't even really thought about much lately. It kind of came too suddenly. I wasn't prepared to say the least. I don't know why it surprised me so much. It wasn't like I hadn't thought about it, I had. I even got Daniel a few things and then the day came and it totally blindsided me. I woke up feeling ok but as the day moved on it got harder and harder to deal with the emotions building up inside. I eventually couldn't take it and broke down a few times. It is just so hard to have these time.
It was a different experience than Mothers day. Of course it probably should be. The emotions and feelings weren't as raw although they were still in the front of my mind all day and they were raw just a different kind of feeling. I thought more about the impact this was having on others, the men in my life that is effected. My husband my father my brother. Although most of them don't show it I know what each one feels. I can see it in there eyes when I start talking about Addy. I can sense the shared pain. It sounds weird but in a way it makes it seem a little less harder when I see that. I know i am not alone.
It is hard when you were the only one to experience this person. I was the only one that actually got to feel her, hold her and carry her for those nine months. The only one that got to have the physical bond with her being a part of me. But even still these men don't deny the fact that they held her too just in a different way. It's overwhelming to think that they are struggling with this on there own levels. I know what I am dealing with but what about them? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is going through this. I feel like I am dealing with this daily pain alone. But I know that isn't the case and I can sense that when I am around those that I love.
I think that is why this is so hard for me. Being away from my support group is the hardest. I feel like I am a million miles away from those that are going through this and understanding it the most with me. As everyone else has forgotten about it or just written it off as something that no one can understand. They don't comprehend the life that was lost. The don't grasp the severity of my heart ache. The just don't get it. But I know that there are few people that will. But I also know there are a few people that do and that try to help me with my search for peace, my search for finding a place of happiness and acceptance.
I know that there are going to be more days like yesterday. More events more times that are going to be hard. Special events that I looked forward to her being here and without her just seems like there is an empty hole. But I know that I do have my support group and even though most of them are 1500 miles away I know that they understand my pain, feel for me and pray for me everyday and that is all I can ask for. I am truly blessed to have them and without them I would have never gotten as far as I have. But for them I want to say, don't give up on me. I will one day be able to deal and cope with this loss and move forward with things. But be patient like you have and keep praying that is all that gets me through.
It was a different experience than Mothers day. Of course it probably should be. The emotions and feelings weren't as raw although they were still in the front of my mind all day and they were raw just a different kind of feeling. I thought more about the impact this was having on others, the men in my life that is effected. My husband my father my brother. Although most of them don't show it I know what each one feels. I can see it in there eyes when I start talking about Addy. I can sense the shared pain. It sounds weird but in a way it makes it seem a little less harder when I see that. I know i am not alone.
It is hard when you were the only one to experience this person. I was the only one that actually got to feel her, hold her and carry her for those nine months. The only one that got to have the physical bond with her being a part of me. But even still these men don't deny the fact that they held her too just in a different way. It's overwhelming to think that they are struggling with this on there own levels. I know what I am dealing with but what about them? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is going through this. I feel like I am dealing with this daily pain alone. But I know that isn't the case and I can sense that when I am around those that I love.
I think that is why this is so hard for me. Being away from my support group is the hardest. I feel like I am a million miles away from those that are going through this and understanding it the most with me. As everyone else has forgotten about it or just written it off as something that no one can understand. They don't comprehend the life that was lost. The don't grasp the severity of my heart ache. The just don't get it. But I know that there are few people that will. But I also know there are a few people that do and that try to help me with my search for peace, my search for finding a place of happiness and acceptance.
I know that there are going to be more days like yesterday. More events more times that are going to be hard. Special events that I looked forward to her being here and without her just seems like there is an empty hole. But I know that I do have my support group and even though most of them are 1500 miles away I know that they understand my pain, feel for me and pray for me everyday and that is all I can ask for. I am truly blessed to have them and without them I would have never gotten as far as I have. But for them I want to say, don't give up on me. I will one day be able to deal and cope with this loss and move forward with things. But be patient like you have and keep praying that is all that gets me through.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A New Day
It is a new day, and lots of opportunities to make it a good one. That is my goal anyways we will see how it goes. The last few days have been a little better since my last post. Not as many breakdowns, a few but not as many. I guess that comes with the territory of being so far away when you get back you have to grieve the family left behind. I am sure glad Heaven isn't going to be like that. We will probably want our family to be with us but it wouldn't be hard like it is here. I know I am looking forward to that day when I get to see my Addison again. Some days that is all the keeps me going and sane it feels like.
But I have decided to work out my thoughts. I have so many blogs posted over the course of this journey we have taken and I want to organize them and maybe make them into a book. Even if it never gets published or seen outside of my family's eyes I am thinking it will help me. So I got the notion yesterday to print them all out. I have been saving the blogs that are about Addy and my struggles and happy times and have put them in a folder on my computer. I went to print them out to see what I had and was shocked to see I have over 150 pages already. Of course not all of it will be what I use but I like the fact that I did that. Just praying for God to walk me through this journey and we will see what happens at the end of it all. I know God has been trying to convince me I can do this for awhile now its just I am the least likely person who should be writing anything let alone a collaboration of ideas. But that is what is so unpredictable with God He will allow you and walk you through all sorts of things you would never think possible if you let Him.
I will keep you posted on the ventures of this adventure and let you know all the stuff that happens. Just wanted to thank all that actually do read this and thank you for all the support and prayers especially. Without the hope and love of others there is no way I could have gotten through some of these times. I am sure there will be more to follow to so don't stop Praying:) Thank you all.
But I have decided to work out my thoughts. I have so many blogs posted over the course of this journey we have taken and I want to organize them and maybe make them into a book. Even if it never gets published or seen outside of my family's eyes I am thinking it will help me. So I got the notion yesterday to print them all out. I have been saving the blogs that are about Addy and my struggles and happy times and have put them in a folder on my computer. I went to print them out to see what I had and was shocked to see I have over 150 pages already. Of course not all of it will be what I use but I like the fact that I did that. Just praying for God to walk me through this journey and we will see what happens at the end of it all. I know God has been trying to convince me I can do this for awhile now its just I am the least likely person who should be writing anything let alone a collaboration of ideas. But that is what is so unpredictable with God He will allow you and walk you through all sorts of things you would never think possible if you let Him.
I will keep you posted on the ventures of this adventure and let you know all the stuff that happens. Just wanted to thank all that actually do read this and thank you for all the support and prayers especially. Without the hope and love of others there is no way I could have gotten through some of these times. I am sure there will be more to follow to so don't stop Praying:) Thank you all.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Days of Grief
Our Addy...
As I sit here thinking about our precious baby girl I can't help but have a tear in my eye. I miss her so much. Especially on special days, like when Allie got her degree or when we took what would have been her first trip to Yosemite. Just stuff like that makes me feel empty like something is missing from all the pictures we took. All the places we went there was one thing missing. One thing we can't replace. Its just hard sometimes. This weekend I know is going to be one of those times. Maybe not as bad as Mothers Day was for me but I am sure at some point during the day I will grieve that fact that Daniel is missing his baby too.
As we face these hard times and days ahead it is all I can do from coming to a stand still and not wanting to move forward with anything. It is just so hard and I know that there will be harder days even still to come. But at times I don't want to move on without her. I know we have no choice we can't choose to just stay still and not move because even if we choose that the world around us is still going and eventually we will have to catch up to it and I really don't want to have to do that. So we trudge forward. Some days with a heavy heart and tears in our eyes because we miss her so much. This week seems to be a week for that, tears in my eyes.
I can't stop thinking about her, how much I want her here with me.All the if only's going through my head. If only she were here, if only I could hold her again if only... That gets us no where and I understand that in my head but to wait for my heart to catch up with it that is the hard part. I find myself avoiding her room avoiding the suitcases on the floor in there that still need unpacked. Avoiding going in there because if I do the emotion will sweep over me again. I just avoid it and seem to do OK, until I realize I am avoiding it and that makes me even more upset. Just not a winning situation right now for me.
I figured I was past this, figured this wouldn't be so hard on me. But even picking out a Fathers Day card i had to stop and leave because I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes. Is it always going to be this hard? Will I always have this empty space in my heart and life were my baby girl should be? Probably but as I learn of new ways to cope with it I also face new aspects of this struggle. Some days I just don't even think I can move on today is one of those kinds of days.
As I sit here thinking about our precious baby girl I can't help but have a tear in my eye. I miss her so much. Especially on special days, like when Allie got her degree or when we took what would have been her first trip to Yosemite. Just stuff like that makes me feel empty like something is missing from all the pictures we took. All the places we went there was one thing missing. One thing we can't replace. Its just hard sometimes. This weekend I know is going to be one of those times. Maybe not as bad as Mothers Day was for me but I am sure at some point during the day I will grieve that fact that Daniel is missing his baby too.
As we face these hard times and days ahead it is all I can do from coming to a stand still and not wanting to move forward with anything. It is just so hard and I know that there will be harder days even still to come. But at times I don't want to move on without her. I know we have no choice we can't choose to just stay still and not move because even if we choose that the world around us is still going and eventually we will have to catch up to it and I really don't want to have to do that. So we trudge forward. Some days with a heavy heart and tears in our eyes because we miss her so much. This week seems to be a week for that, tears in my eyes.
I can't stop thinking about her, how much I want her here with me.All the if only's going through my head. If only she were here, if only I could hold her again if only... That gets us no where and I understand that in my head but to wait for my heart to catch up with it that is the hard part. I find myself avoiding her room avoiding the suitcases on the floor in there that still need unpacked. Avoiding going in there because if I do the emotion will sweep over me again. I just avoid it and seem to do OK, until I realize I am avoiding it and that makes me even more upset. Just not a winning situation right now for me.
I figured I was past this, figured this wouldn't be so hard on me. But even picking out a Fathers Day card i had to stop and leave because I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes. Is it always going to be this hard? Will I always have this empty space in my heart and life were my baby girl should be? Probably but as I learn of new ways to cope with it I also face new aspects of this struggle. Some days I just don't even think I can move on today is one of those kinds of days.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Back Again
Here I am back again after a few days of fun and laughter hanging out with my family on the lake and at home. It was so much fun and I am so thankful we had a chance to share in that special day with Allie, as she got to celebrate her new accomplishment of being a College Graduate. I am so proud of her and thankful she is my sister. It was a special day one I will not soon forget.
The time went by way too fast and I find myself longing for it to have lasted longer. I always want my time with family to last longer though. Just doesn't seem fair we have to always find ourselves saying goodbye I hate goodbyes. But after a long day, some flight delays and a unexpected stay in the city we headed back to our little spot. Its good to be home in a way. Get back to what is normal I guess. But It is always so hard to do this part. The healing part after a trip. I enjoy it so much and when we get back I feel like I am deflated and left grieving once again. I don't know being away helps put a new perspective on a lot of things and gives me a lot to think about. Like what to do next.
I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to be a Mom first and foremost but for some reason I feel like that isn't all I need to figure out what else I want to be and get on it. After throwing around a lot of ideas on our trip nothing really just hit me, well maybe the palm reader idea intrigued me for a minuet but that was all:) I am now left to figuring it all out. Figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. What hobby I want to make into a passion or what one thing I want to do to change the world:) Still thinking, waiting and praying for it to hit me.
We did have an awesome time with family though and although it is back to being here and not there we will manage life some how. With just a few adjustments and a lot of laundry behind me we have a new day and a new week to discover and figure out what Gods plan for my life right know is. I don't want to be a grown up maybe that is why I can't think of anything to do or be:)
The time went by way too fast and I find myself longing for it to have lasted longer. I always want my time with family to last longer though. Just doesn't seem fair we have to always find ourselves saying goodbye I hate goodbyes. But after a long day, some flight delays and a unexpected stay in the city we headed back to our little spot. Its good to be home in a way. Get back to what is normal I guess. But It is always so hard to do this part. The healing part after a trip. I enjoy it so much and when we get back I feel like I am deflated and left grieving once again. I don't know being away helps put a new perspective on a lot of things and gives me a lot to think about. Like what to do next.
I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to be a Mom first and foremost but for some reason I feel like that isn't all I need to figure out what else I want to be and get on it. After throwing around a lot of ideas on our trip nothing really just hit me, well maybe the palm reader idea intrigued me for a minuet but that was all:) I am now left to figuring it all out. Figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. What hobby I want to make into a passion or what one thing I want to do to change the world:) Still thinking, waiting and praying for it to hit me.
We did have an awesome time with family though and although it is back to being here and not there we will manage life some how. With just a few adjustments and a lot of laundry behind me we have a new day and a new week to discover and figure out what Gods plan for my life right know is. I don't want to be a grown up maybe that is why I can't think of anything to do or be:)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Unexpected Places
I know I have talked about this before but it happened to me again. Finding my daughters name in unexpected places. Here is the story...
Miranda, my friend, had a party last night and so we were all gathered around having a good time. We had spent the afternoon getting ready for it and it was finally here and kicking in full swing when we finally got to sit down for a minuet. During that time we were enjoying the party and the lady was giving her usual talk about the company and stuff. Well I had won a door prize and after picking out which one I wanted I held it in my lap as she continued on. I don't know why but I just can't keep my attention on anything these days. My mind likes to wander and it started doing just that. As I sat there my mind somewhere else and fidgeting with my new toy I flipped it over to read the instructions. As I was reading something in the top right hand corner caught my eye. I wasn't even look in that spot but I saw something. Did that say what I thought it did? I had to look again just to easy my curiosity. Indeed it did say what I expected. Up on top of the little piece of paper was my daughters name. In full view. It took my breath away for a moment. Then I had to study it some more. Was it spelled like hers? Was it really there. It sure was the address to the company was in Addison, Illinois. I had no idea there was such a place. No idea that I would find my daughters name in such an unusual spot.
It was hard for a moment to see that. It was like she was there but she really wasn't. I don't know it is hard to describe but I had to show my findings to someone so I leaned over and showed Miranda. I thought I was making things up but with her affirmation it really did say her name. Wow, at that moment it was like she was right there in the room with me. She was on my lap listening to something I wasn't. It was so weird. It is just hard to describe. As the party wore on I couldn't quit thinking about the name, Her Name. It was just another reminder to me that she was here. I know that is silly to see and address and feel and think all that but to me that name is so special. It means so much to me and it always will. It is her name. I can't help but get emotional when I think about her name. It is her identity after all. The way her name came about the way it was and is perfect for her. That is always a big part of having a baby deciding on the name and this one just fit for so many reasons.
I know I will probably see her name a lot over the years, in unexpected places. But for some reason this time it was different. I didn't break down at the sight of it. Although it did take me a moment to regain my composure it didn't instantly spur on tears. Maybe that is a sign it is getting easier. I don't know, but to see her name in weird spots it is just a affirmation that my baby is still in my heart and will always be. She is special and so every time I see that name it is going to be special because it will remind me of my daughter and maybe some day seeing it will make me smile a little more.
Miranda, my friend, had a party last night and so we were all gathered around having a good time. We had spent the afternoon getting ready for it and it was finally here and kicking in full swing when we finally got to sit down for a minuet. During that time we were enjoying the party and the lady was giving her usual talk about the company and stuff. Well I had won a door prize and after picking out which one I wanted I held it in my lap as she continued on. I don't know why but I just can't keep my attention on anything these days. My mind likes to wander and it started doing just that. As I sat there my mind somewhere else and fidgeting with my new toy I flipped it over to read the instructions. As I was reading something in the top right hand corner caught my eye. I wasn't even look in that spot but I saw something. Did that say what I thought it did? I had to look again just to easy my curiosity. Indeed it did say what I expected. Up on top of the little piece of paper was my daughters name. In full view. It took my breath away for a moment. Then I had to study it some more. Was it spelled like hers? Was it really there. It sure was the address to the company was in Addison, Illinois. I had no idea there was such a place. No idea that I would find my daughters name in such an unusual spot.
It was hard for a moment to see that. It was like she was there but she really wasn't. I don't know it is hard to describe but I had to show my findings to someone so I leaned over and showed Miranda. I thought I was making things up but with her affirmation it really did say her name. Wow, at that moment it was like she was right there in the room with me. She was on my lap listening to something I wasn't. It was so weird. It is just hard to describe. As the party wore on I couldn't quit thinking about the name, Her Name. It was just another reminder to me that she was here. I know that is silly to see and address and feel and think all that but to me that name is so special. It means so much to me and it always will. It is her name. I can't help but get emotional when I think about her name. It is her identity after all. The way her name came about the way it was and is perfect for her. That is always a big part of having a baby deciding on the name and this one just fit for so many reasons.
I know I will probably see her name a lot over the years, in unexpected places. But for some reason this time it was different. I didn't break down at the sight of it. Although it did take me a moment to regain my composure it didn't instantly spur on tears. Maybe that is a sign it is getting easier. I don't know, but to see her name in weird spots it is just a affirmation that my baby is still in my heart and will always be. She is special and so every time I see that name it is going to be special because it will remind me of my daughter and maybe some day seeing it will make me smile a little more.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Purple Flowers
It rained last night. Not just a little but sudden down pours that lasted a while. I like stormy weather, sometimes. It is nice when it is hot and the clouds decide to burst open and cool us down. It was one of those kinds of nights last night. Daniel and I were working on setting our stones for our front walk way and about an hour into the adventure it started lightening. Deciding it wasn't safe to be holding a metal shovel and standing outside we decided to call it a night and come in. No sooner did we get in and cleaned off before the storms hit. It was so pretty. It is always so quite when it storms. Well besides the noise of the thunder booming overhead. The bugs and birds stop and it just is kind of weird.
Its always after the storm when it is most interesting to see what has happened to the surroundings of our home. The wind and rain tend to shift things around and it makes the landscape look different than before. I don't really know when it stopped raining last night. I do know at 4 it was still going but besides that I have no clue. But when I got up this morning and let Kolby out for his morning tour of the backyard my eye caught something that it hadn't seen before. Out there amongst our struggling trees were a bunch of purple wild flowers scattered all around. I know Daniel will say they aren't flowers they are weeds but they are just too pretty to call a weed. But looking out there seeing them all made me think of my Addy.
I am sure she would have loved storms too. Her father likes to go out in them and she was alot like him in many ways. The purple flowers that popped up over night made me think that she was out there planting them just for me. I know she wasn't but it was nice to look at them and think of her. I saw Kolby walk amongst them trying to stay away from them as if she was playing with him and tickling him as he walked by. I just can't help but miss her sometimes. Things catch me off guard or by surprise as to what will make me think of her and it is all I can do to catch my breath and live through that moment.
This sounds silly but I even looked at clothes the other day. I was walking through the store. I had to go right by the little girl stuff for something and this outfit caught my eye. It had a cute little lady bug attached to the pocket of this little jumper dress and just out of curiosity I found what I thought would be Addy's size. I held it in my arms just to get a feel for what size she would be. I had to put it down and leave. The overwhelming sense of loss and missing her took over and I knew if I didn't divert my attention I would be lost in this pain for awhile. Its just silly stuff that gets to me. Who would think to do that? If any one saw me they probably thought I was crazy. But that is ok.
I have learned that I just have to allow myself to get through these times. Get through those moments and realize that it wouldn't always be this hard. But still seeing those purple flowers brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I am so happy they were there to great me this morning but it doesn't make missing her any easier. I will enjoy those wild flowers for now and think of Addy when I see them fluttering in the wind.
Its always after the storm when it is most interesting to see what has happened to the surroundings of our home. The wind and rain tend to shift things around and it makes the landscape look different than before. I don't really know when it stopped raining last night. I do know at 4 it was still going but besides that I have no clue. But when I got up this morning and let Kolby out for his morning tour of the backyard my eye caught something that it hadn't seen before. Out there amongst our struggling trees were a bunch of purple wild flowers scattered all around. I know Daniel will say they aren't flowers they are weeds but they are just too pretty to call a weed. But looking out there seeing them all made me think of my Addy.
I am sure she would have loved storms too. Her father likes to go out in them and she was alot like him in many ways. The purple flowers that popped up over night made me think that she was out there planting them just for me. I know she wasn't but it was nice to look at them and think of her. I saw Kolby walk amongst them trying to stay away from them as if she was playing with him and tickling him as he walked by. I just can't help but miss her sometimes. Things catch me off guard or by surprise as to what will make me think of her and it is all I can do to catch my breath and live through that moment.
This sounds silly but I even looked at clothes the other day. I was walking through the store. I had to go right by the little girl stuff for something and this outfit caught my eye. It had a cute little lady bug attached to the pocket of this little jumper dress and just out of curiosity I found what I thought would be Addy's size. I held it in my arms just to get a feel for what size she would be. I had to put it down and leave. The overwhelming sense of loss and missing her took over and I knew if I didn't divert my attention I would be lost in this pain for awhile. Its just silly stuff that gets to me. Who would think to do that? If any one saw me they probably thought I was crazy. But that is ok.
I have learned that I just have to allow myself to get through these times. Get through those moments and realize that it wouldn't always be this hard. But still seeing those purple flowers brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I am so happy they were there to great me this morning but it doesn't make missing her any easier. I will enjoy those wild flowers for now and think of Addy when I see them fluttering in the wind.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Homesick Again
Well the weekend is over and it is back to the weekly grind. Another busy weekend behind us and only one more to go before we head to California!! I am so excited and ready to be going home and spending time with family again. I can't wait. But before that we have another week to get through and then a long weekend. We have plans and will probably stay busy like always, but in time like these that is a good thing. I was feeling extremely home sick yesterday. Not sure why. It seems these are some of the hardest times for me. The times right before I leave to go out there and then having to come back. I get all ready to go and am so anxious to be there I start to miss it and all that is going on without me to get ready for us to be there. I don't know it sounds silly really to get homesick right before I go home but it seems that at these times it is really strong.
Then there is the dreaded day when we have to leave my family back home and come back to our life halfway across the country. It is just so hard. I always imagined that the longer we did this the easier it would get. That seems to be the opposite reaction. The longer I am away the harder it seems to leave. I just know that when I leave to get on that plane to come back life goes back to what it is. Them out there living there life, growing and having life adventures. Daniel and I back here doing the same but apart it is hard. The hardest seems to be now that I don't have my baby. I feel like I have to give it all up. I remember asking Daniel that at Christmas when we came home. Why do I feel like I have to be separated from all that I love dearly, besides him? It just doesn't make sense. My family is out there, My daughter is in Heaven. Just too much separation for my heart to handle at times.
I know that we are here for a reason. God put us in this place to do something. Just not sure what that is. With our whole world changing on that day it is just so hard to reconfigure what it is that God wants us to be doing. I got to thinking though, in August it will have been 9 years since I first moved out here. 9 years ago I was not wanting to go to college not wanting to do anything but get married and have kids. 9 years later I have done both but they aren't what was expected. My marriage is the most important thing to me and these last almost 7 years have been some of the happiest times I think I could have. We have hit bumps and snag's along the road but we have always been there together to get through them. I thank God for that. I thank him for the fact that He is giving us the ability to keep it together and fight for what He has given us with each other. Daniel truly is my best friend and I know that if I wouldn't have meet him my life would not be the same. It would not be as happy and loving as it is. I did marry my best friend and that friendship just gets deeper over the years and I know that is what God wanted us to have. I really wasn't expecting to come out here get married and stay here that wasn't my plan but it must have been Gods plan. Not sure why or what He has planed but I come to a realization that at times it might be hard but there is a reason for us to be here and if we continue to follow Him and do what He wants us to He is going to reward us for it.
As the week starts and I start looking forward and counting down the days when we get on that plane and head to see my family I start to think about the time ahead. The things we will be doing and the time spent together and I get this antsy feeling. I just want it to be here. But I have to be patient and know that the wait is going to be worth it and we will once again be able to laugh and enjoy the time with family that we cherish so much. I am so ready for that. I am sure tears will be shed, some healing will take place but most of all we can laugh and that is what I miss and what I look forward to the most. Just laughing in the way I can only do with them. I can't wait...
Then there is the dreaded day when we have to leave my family back home and come back to our life halfway across the country. It is just so hard. I always imagined that the longer we did this the easier it would get. That seems to be the opposite reaction. The longer I am away the harder it seems to leave. I just know that when I leave to get on that plane to come back life goes back to what it is. Them out there living there life, growing and having life adventures. Daniel and I back here doing the same but apart it is hard. The hardest seems to be now that I don't have my baby. I feel like I have to give it all up. I remember asking Daniel that at Christmas when we came home. Why do I feel like I have to be separated from all that I love dearly, besides him? It just doesn't make sense. My family is out there, My daughter is in Heaven. Just too much separation for my heart to handle at times.
I know that we are here for a reason. God put us in this place to do something. Just not sure what that is. With our whole world changing on that day it is just so hard to reconfigure what it is that God wants us to be doing. I got to thinking though, in August it will have been 9 years since I first moved out here. 9 years ago I was not wanting to go to college not wanting to do anything but get married and have kids. 9 years later I have done both but they aren't what was expected. My marriage is the most important thing to me and these last almost 7 years have been some of the happiest times I think I could have. We have hit bumps and snag's along the road but we have always been there together to get through them. I thank God for that. I thank him for the fact that He is giving us the ability to keep it together and fight for what He has given us with each other. Daniel truly is my best friend and I know that if I wouldn't have meet him my life would not be the same. It would not be as happy and loving as it is. I did marry my best friend and that friendship just gets deeper over the years and I know that is what God wanted us to have. I really wasn't expecting to come out here get married and stay here that wasn't my plan but it must have been Gods plan. Not sure why or what He has planed but I come to a realization that at times it might be hard but there is a reason for us to be here and if we continue to follow Him and do what He wants us to He is going to reward us for it.
As the week starts and I start looking forward and counting down the days when we get on that plane and head to see my family I start to think about the time ahead. The things we will be doing and the time spent together and I get this antsy feeling. I just want it to be here. But I have to be patient and know that the wait is going to be worth it and we will once again be able to laugh and enjoy the time with family that we cherish so much. I am so ready for that. I am sure tears will be shed, some healing will take place but most of all we can laugh and that is what I miss and what I look forward to the most. Just laughing in the way I can only do with them. I can't wait...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
First
I don't know why but lately I have been thinking about the past, alot. Where I came from what I have done. My life in general. What am I here for? I always thought it was to be a mother but that seems to be such a small goal compared to others. I don't really feel like I have accomplished it either. Sure I have. I mean no matter what I am still Addy's Mom but to not have her here makes it seem like maybe it really didn't happen. These are the times I pull out old pictures and start looking back to see how far I have become.
First off I take out Addy's pictures. The new ones have arrived and she looks so beautiful and peaceful. She is an angel and it sure makes her look one. Those always make me cry but I have gotten to not realize that isn't always a bad thing. I then pull out any and all albums I have. I have a lot of pictures not in albums but I like the organization of them all. It just makes looking at them easier. I have a few that my grandma had made for me before she passed away and although they are incomplete something about where they left off just makes sense. I love looking at those pictures. Early pictures of my siblings and I. Mainly Allie and I. Those are the pictures that make me smile. We have done some pretty silly things and regretfully we have a family that likes to document everything with pictures. That is ok. I have picked that gene up and although I can't take picture of Addy I take pictures of what I can to remember her with.
That leads me to this picture of her first rose. It is the very first one off of her 3 bushes to produce a flower. Although when I took this picture last Saturday I didn't know the beating it was going to take this week it just was perfect that day. Today I went out and looked to see if it has survived the sudden bursts of storms we have had and realized it was worn out. It is hanging sideways, has lost its color and is very ready to fall off and die. It made me cry. I don't know why, it is just a silly little flower. That is what they do they are there to be pretty for awhile and then they go away. It just seemed to be so dramatic for me. That rose like my Addy has endured a lot in its short life time and like my Addy is at one point going to be gone and I will never have a first rose again.
I will never have a first child again. Addy will always be my first and like that rose I will treasure all that I have to remind me of her. My first. I have had a lot of first in my life some I can't even remember but none are or ever will be as remembered as my first baby. My Addison June. I miss her but all I can hold on to is those memories and if I can keep those alive then I can feel like I am being her Mom even through the separation.
First off I take out Addy's pictures. The new ones have arrived and she looks so beautiful and peaceful. She is an angel and it sure makes her look one. Those always make me cry but I have gotten to not realize that isn't always a bad thing. I then pull out any and all albums I have. I have a lot of pictures not in albums but I like the organization of them all. It just makes looking at them easier. I have a few that my grandma had made for me before she passed away and although they are incomplete something about where they left off just makes sense. I love looking at those pictures. Early pictures of my siblings and I. Mainly Allie and I. Those are the pictures that make me smile. We have done some pretty silly things and regretfully we have a family that likes to document everything with pictures. That is ok. I have picked that gene up and although I can't take picture of Addy I take pictures of what I can to remember her with.
That leads me to this picture of her first rose. It is the very first one off of her 3 bushes to produce a flower. Although when I took this picture last Saturday I didn't know the beating it was going to take this week it just was perfect that day. Today I went out and looked to see if it has survived the sudden bursts of storms we have had and realized it was worn out. It is hanging sideways, has lost its color and is very ready to fall off and die. It made me cry. I don't know why, it is just a silly little flower. That is what they do they are there to be pretty for awhile and then they go away. It just seemed to be so dramatic for me. That rose like my Addy has endured a lot in its short life time and like my Addy is at one point going to be gone and I will never have a first rose again.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Another Busy Weekend
Another weekend down. We were busy yet again. I am not complaining just worn out. I look forward to the weekend when we can relax and hang out together. But most of the time we don't relax but that is ok. I enjoy the spontaneity of it all. My week days are a lot alike so the weekend give me a break from the norm and I like it.
This weekend we did alot. Even with my sinus infection we still went 90 to nothing and I am not doing to bad considering. I am tired and that makes it a lot hard to coop with anything let alone the loss of my daughter. I have already had a few meltdowns this morning and am so looking forward to the time when I can relax and maybe take a nap this afternoon.
Here was our weekend. Friday night we had a graduation to go to. Nothing big or fancy just a small town small school graduation. I had to laugh at the decorations and the way they did things. It was so strange to me these customs and things that they do just to take up time. It defiantly wasn't like that when I graduated. It was nothing extra just name calling and diplomas. The usual speech where the speaker had no idea what they are trying to say so they ramble on. The end and that was it. But here they do all sorts of rituals and stuff that just made me laugh.
Saturday we went up to Webb to mow. Daniel and Adam have started to mow up there and they go about every other weekend or so. But this weekend the girls went too so we could plant some flowers. It was fun we ended up helping with the mowers and we did a pretty good job for girls I do think. We road 4 wheelers and hung out while the guys did the work on the second house, we were tired by then. I took some flower up to Addy's grave. That was hard. I had never been by myself and it felt weird to not have anyone there to be my support. It was kind of nice but I later wished I would have had Daniel there with me. It was hard. I tried to pick the weeds off of that little mound as best I could with tears streaming down my face but finally gave up, got back on the 4-wheeler and headed back to the house. It was a rough on. By then the boys were almost done so we loaded up went and took a few pictures of Addy's flowers and off we went home. When we finally got home at about 8 that night we decided we needed to burn our burn pit since we were going to be moving our dreaded rocks into it the following afternoon. I was so excited about the rocks being going but wanted to just go to bed. But we trudged on and even had a party while doing it. Roasting hot dogs and making Smores it was alot of fun and a relaxing evening to a very busy day.
Sunday was a Sunday, well in the morning at least. We got up went to church and headed home to grill. It was such a nice day. While grilling our neighbors behind us got Daniel's attention and told him that they had notices we were trying to grow some trees and they had a bunch of started ones if we wanted to plant those. We were very excited they said they would bring them over some time. About 10 minuets later they were here with the trees. It was a lovely gesture and I am so glad that even though we live out of town we still have neighbors that watch our backs and our house for us. We ate and then the fun began.
Daniel's uncle Jim can use a backhoe from the place he works when it is in the yard and it happened to be in the yard this weekend. It was great that he was willing to offer to come help us move our dreaded rocks. I don't think he realized what he had gotten himself into. It took about 3 and a half hours later, two big holes dug and full of rock and 5 tired bodies later to have them all moved but we did it!! We finally got ride of the rock garden that was our front yard!!! I am so excited. It looks naked and very tired out there but I am so excited that we are finally able to get our plans laid out and our house looking better from the outside. After everyone left from that party we moved inside and crashed. Literally. I was so tired i feel asleep while watching River Monsters.
In all our weekend was busy. We had a few unexpected bumps, mostly because I loss all my ability to cope once I get to a certain level of tiredness. Daniel was the first one to spot out and notice Addy's first rose blooming Saturday night. That was a very lovely surprise and one that was very needed at the time. In all our weekend, like usual was busy but it was a good one. I am glad we were able to do what we did. Even if it isn't all glamour it was still time spent together with friends and that is always good. Know only 2 more weekends and we will be in California at the lake just enjoying time with family!!! I can't wait.
This weekend we did alot. Even with my sinus infection we still went 90 to nothing and I am not doing to bad considering. I am tired and that makes it a lot hard to coop with anything let alone the loss of my daughter. I have already had a few meltdowns this morning and am so looking forward to the time when I can relax and maybe take a nap this afternoon.
Here was our weekend. Friday night we had a graduation to go to. Nothing big or fancy just a small town small school graduation. I had to laugh at the decorations and the way they did things. It was so strange to me these customs and things that they do just to take up time. It defiantly wasn't like that when I graduated. It was nothing extra just name calling and diplomas. The usual speech where the speaker had no idea what they are trying to say so they ramble on. The end and that was it. But here they do all sorts of rituals and stuff that just made me laugh.
Saturday we went up to Webb to mow. Daniel and Adam have started to mow up there and they go about every other weekend or so. But this weekend the girls went too so we could plant some flowers. It was fun we ended up helping with the mowers and we did a pretty good job for girls I do think. We road 4 wheelers and hung out while the guys did the work on the second house, we were tired by then. I took some flower up to Addy's grave. That was hard. I had never been by myself and it felt weird to not have anyone there to be my support. It was kind of nice but I later wished I would have had Daniel there with me. It was hard. I tried to pick the weeds off of that little mound as best I could with tears streaming down my face but finally gave up, got back on the 4-wheeler and headed back to the house. It was a rough on. By then the boys were almost done so we loaded up went and took a few pictures of Addy's flowers and off we went home. When we finally got home at about 8 that night we decided we needed to burn our burn pit since we were going to be moving our dreaded rocks into it the following afternoon. I was so excited about the rocks being going but wanted to just go to bed. But we trudged on and even had a party while doing it. Roasting hot dogs and making Smores it was alot of fun and a relaxing evening to a very busy day.
Sunday was a Sunday, well in the morning at least. We got up went to church and headed home to grill. It was such a nice day. While grilling our neighbors behind us got Daniel's attention and told him that they had notices we were trying to grow some trees and they had a bunch of started ones if we wanted to plant those. We were very excited they said they would bring them over some time. About 10 minuets later they were here with the trees. It was a lovely gesture and I am so glad that even though we live out of town we still have neighbors that watch our backs and our house for us. We ate and then the fun began.
Daniel's uncle Jim can use a backhoe from the place he works when it is in the yard and it happened to be in the yard this weekend. It was great that he was willing to offer to come help us move our dreaded rocks. I don't think he realized what he had gotten himself into. It took about 3 and a half hours later, two big holes dug and full of rock and 5 tired bodies later to have them all moved but we did it!! We finally got ride of the rock garden that was our front yard!!! I am so excited. It looks naked and very tired out there but I am so excited that we are finally able to get our plans laid out and our house looking better from the outside. After everyone left from that party we moved inside and crashed. Literally. I was so tired i feel asleep while watching River Monsters.
In all our weekend was busy. We had a few unexpected bumps, mostly because I loss all my ability to cope once I get to a certain level of tiredness. Daniel was the first one to spot out and notice Addy's first rose blooming Saturday night. That was a very lovely surprise and one that was very needed at the time. In all our weekend, like usual was busy but it was a good one. I am glad we were able to do what we did. Even if it isn't all glamour it was still time spent together with friends and that is always good. Know only 2 more weekends and we will be in California at the lake just enjoying time with family!!! I can't wait.
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