The Job

I got a job!!?  I wasn't even looking which leaves only one explanation, God.  He has been working on this and has put this job in my path at this time in my life for a reason. I am not sure why and I am not sure what to expect but I had to reply to His offer.  Here is how it all went down. 

A few weeks ago when we were in California my husband got a call from his aunt.  She wanted to know if I wanted a job.  He wasn't sure what to say so he got me on the phone with her. At first I was excited. It is still in the bank industry, still being a teller like before only at a different bank than before.  I was kind of excited about it and it did help me come back.  I didn't want to but it did help to know I had an opportunity I had to check out.  So I went in that week we got back on Friday.  Got an application and filled it out that day.  Then it sat on my kitchen counter for about a week and half or so. I don't know why. I was just so reluctant to finally take it down there. What if they really did hire me? Am I ready, do I really want a job, or even this one? All those questions just stopped me from pursuing it any more.  Yet I could never shake the thought that I needed to take it in.  Finally last Wednesday Daniel's aunt called again and wanted to know if I was ever going to bring the app in?  I was caught I had to do it now. So I got ready got in the car and drove it down there. I got to talk to the Human Resource lady that time and we had a short conversation about what they wanted and all.  They seemed really interested in me.  She said she was going to call me back either that following Friday or Monday.  So It was a waiting game then.

On my way home I realized that I was kind of excited about the prospect of going back to work. Maybe it will help me along this journey. It will only be part time once I get the gist of it all and I think that would be good for me when I finally do get pregnant again. I don't want to work full time but I don't know what God wants either. So I waited.  I finally hear from her and they had decided to hire me.  No more wondering I got the job.  That is when all the fear and panic set in. 

It wasn't that bad at first kind of exciting to get back in the game and get out there and earn some money. But then it all hit me this morning and I had no clue what I was in for. I woke up after having some very scary dreams.  I was agitated but more than anything i was afraid. Afraid to go back, afraid of what to expect. I felt like what I would have expected a drunk to feel like after a night of parting. I was confused, dizzy and had no idea what to even think. It was just so weird. I finally pulled myself out of bed and headed out for our morning walk.  As we walked I started thinking and that is when it started to come a little more clear to me. I was panicked about this job.  What it meant, what it represented but most scary of it all the change it was going to put on my life. 

I have gotten so use to being home in my bubble. When I am having a hard day I can just stay home and focus on getting through it. But if I have to get up and go to work will I be able to do that? Not just that but the fact of what it represented. It represented a life that didn't happen. I had planned to stay home for a reason. That reason isn't here so there is really no reason to keep me at home. But to accept all that, that is what has me in freak out mode. 

I know I shouldn't be worried about it. But to think about this is like saying good-bye to her all over again. Saying good-bye to those dreams of me staying home and taking care of her. And even though I haven't had her here to take care of it is still feeling like I am having to give her up all over again. It is just so scary. I don't know.  My first day is Tuesday and as that day draws closer I get more frightful at what is in store. I know that if it is a God thing, which there is no doubt it isn't than it will be good I just have to trust in that. But still a piece of me doesn't want to let go, not yet, not again.