Here we go again….
Another moment in time, another day and another month without our little girl. I thought I had been doing pretty good. I thought, that was my first mistake to think that I was getting past the grieving part and on to the living life part. I am sure that to some point we are getting past it all. Trying to make the best out of a situation that we wish would have never happened. Trying to overcome this grief but struggling with even more. It has been a long road and one that I am painfully aware we will have to travel the rest of our life. Although I know the pain will not always be so intense, so brutal I understand that we will always have to deal with it to some extent. It just doesn’t seem fair. That is the state I am in recently. Nothing about this seems fair or is.
The other night I found myself dreaming again of our little baby. She was crying reaching for me but I could never get close enough to hold her. She keep slipping farther and farther away until she was no longer in my sight. I woke up in a cold sweat not wanting to go back to sleep for fear of what I might see while sleeping. With a long prayer and a tear stained pillow I went back to sleep without her in my dreams.
A few night later Daniel is telling me about a dream he had the night after mine. As he tells me all I can do is cry while I listen. In his dream he was at home and Addy shows up with him. As you can imagine we get so excited to see her. She is talking and having a good time. He is holding her in his arms and is wanting to take her out to show off our little miracle child. The one that has been gone but know is back. As he gets her ready he is telling her his plans and all the people she is going to meet. She stops him in his tracks when she tells him “ Daddy I can’t go I have to wait for Him.” Confused and not knowing who she is talking about Daniel tries to convince her that there isn’t any one she needs to wait for we all are here. She tells him again, “ No daddy I have to wait for Him and you do too.” Then he sees Him. He sees the person Addy insists on waiting for it is our Jesus. He doesn’t do or say anything he stretches out His arms and Addy returns to them then He tells Daniel “ I have her for now just keep trusting in me and you too can go with us one day.” Then she is gone. As quickly as she came.
The dreams, the moments that we both can be with her, for a seconds those are the times that have seemed to play the toll on my mood lately. Then a few days ago it all hit again. I woke up feeling like it happened the day before. Like it all was so new again. The pain, the scarred feelings the unbelief. It was too much. I didn’t get much done I just feel apart every time I tried to move on with life. It was like life is moving on too quickly without her. Too quickly to forget that she was ever here, too quickly for my emotions to catch up. I couldn’t focus or have motivation to do anything so I decided to get ready and head to the store. On my way I compose myself and as I walk threw the front doors I see a pregnant lady walk past me. It was all I could do to not walk out right there. I needed to get some things though so I trudge on. Eventually I head back to the car no sooner do I start the car that my tears start to flow. I cried all the way home. Not sure why, but once they started the wouldn’t quit. I got home and Daniel was there for lunch. I immediately fell into his arms and just let all my emotions drain out.
As the days and weeks go on I realize there are going to be more moments like this. I will never be the same not without her here. I am always going to have days or weeks that seem to be overwhelming and hard. But I also know that when those times come I have an amazing husband and family that will help me through and I will make it to another day.
