Here I am at this place once again where I am confused, hurt and unsure of the path I have been on. I haven't had a week like this in awhile. The moments they pass by but for the most part things are going good. I have gotten to place of acceptance of what has happened, or so I thought. But truth be told I am not and once again I find myself weeping on the inside and out for that precious little girl I miss so much.
My days have been getting easier with the occasional moments or times when I see, hear or smell something that might bring a memory back into my mind. But I have been doing better. Then it all hit me at once all in one week. Things I haven't thought of things I haven't dealt with, new parts of this painful experience that I didn't even know I had. New memories and feelings.
I can't help but ask God why I had to witness that. Why He didn't shield me from things that are going to hurt? I just don't understand why I had to hear what I did see what I did. Why? Here is what happened this afternoon at work a lady from another department who is pregnant and due pretty soon started having back pains and was getting very uncomfortable. I can't say that I don't envy her because in some sense I do. She works in the same building as her mom how nice would that be? I didn't even think of that being an option I always just wanted to live next door to mine but to work with her how handy. Anyways as her mother announces to the whole floor that she is having these issues they are going to take her to the doctor my heart stopped. This was what we missed out on.
The apparent joy in the mothers eyes, the eagerness in the Grandmothers voice we missed all that joy. My Mom was with me when I went into labor with Addy without her I would have panic and not known what to do but this was different. There was an excitement and a urgency I witnessed the other day that wasn't there with my little girl. There was not rushing around no excitement in the air, just a heavy sense of dread of what was to come when our little girl was finally on her way. I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I don't think anyone else was either. But we all knew that was what was coming and the excitement for that just wasn't there.
As these memories flood my mind I can't help but think I need to get out of this place away from all this. But as suddenly as it all comes about they were out the door and the ladies were buzzing with what ifs and excitment of what might be to come. That was more than I could stand. I grabbed my stuff as quickly as I could and took off. If I had to stay another minuet in that space I think I would have lost it. As I step out onto the cold, hard icy ground tears pour down my face. It is so painful I can hardly stand it.
I don't know why I have to witness stuff like that. Why I have to go through these experiences that everyone else just takes for granted but I did and I can't say I passed it with easy or even without being a little hurt. My heart is broken yet again for the little girl I am missing. My arms are aching once again for that little six pound baby to be in my arms. I just miss her with all I am and sometimes stopping to realize I still miss her as much as I do knocks me down and puts me in a place I haven't been i a while.
I know that this will pass. I know that I will be better with time, but I also know I am going to have these moment the rest of my life and that seems like such a big task to take on. One I defiantly didn't sign up for. The rest of the week followed suit with hard moments and times. It seems like this week was all about baby's starting from Sunday on. Just faced with diffrent baby situations all week. It has been hard and I find myself yet again searching for His promises that He is going to hold on to us through this time. I know He is and will continue to but at times like these when life dosn't make sense and things are hard to grasp I have to cling to Him tighter. Amongst my struggles this week two verses have been given to me two verses that helped me at the start of this journey. The one that sticks out the most is this one given to me by my mom. It just is fitting and perfect every day I deal with these emotions and question.
"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good things from those who do what is right." Psalms 84:11
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Bear
Its been a crazy few weeks with Christmas coming and going and the new year being here and started. I haven't had time to catch my breath and finally the day has come when I can sit here and write again. I am ready for the break however short it might be. I still have Christmas decorations up and stuff scattered everywhere but all that will be there when until I am done. Nothing big or eventful happened this Christmas, we didn't get to go to California this year since we needed to save vacation time up for the wedding. That is always hard but left us to celebrate the first Christmas we would be home in our new house. We decorated and did it all even though there was only 2 of us to enjoy it. At times it was hard. Not being with family especially this year was hard. Not having Addy was harder. I don't know just the fact that there should have been gifts for her under that tree she should have been the one here to enjoy all the traditions Daniel and I had wanted to start this year. But she wasn't and that was hard. We got through it not without some tears shed but in all it was a pretty good Christmas.
The next week was crazy. Daniel has been waiting and wanting to have lasik done on his eyes for a long time and we finally made the appointment and the consultation visit with the eye doctor the week before Christmas. We didn't know it would be so soon but the Monday after Christmas we were scheduled to be in the city for the appointment Tuesday they were going to do it. It was all so quick but that was a good thing didn't give me time to think about what was really going to happen.
We got to the city Monday and went to his appointment stayed the night and Tuesday was the big day. I could tell as time got closer he was getting anxious and wanting it to just be done and over with. As we enter the building I can't help but pray that God would let it all go well and that it wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone was taking it like it was no big thing and so I was going to do that as well. We did pretty good the first few hours of waiting and being shuffled from one spot to the next wasn't too bad just being there helped the tension in us both be realised some. Then they moved us into the room where they prepared him for the surgery. He sits down they get him all squared away and drugged up and the next hour or so is pretty comical. I know that God was there the whole time with us. He keep showing me signs of Him everywhere I looked. It was comforting to know that even in this small thing He was going to get us through it and be there right next to us.
After a lot of time, some minor issues that set the procedures back even longer and a machine malfunction we were up and running again and getting closer to Daniel's turn. I wasn't to scarred not sure I wanted to watch the procedure but was given the opportunity if wanted. I figure can't be that bad everyone else was watching so after they shuffle him into the room get him all ready I start to watch the screen and the procedure as they work on his eye. It is pretty amazing what they do and how quickly they do it. It was just amazing at how the procedure works and all. After getting one eye done I was done watching. I had the mechanic that had worked on the machine just prior to all this standing there telling me what was going on. I didn't really want the commentary but it was OK I had basically tuned him out at some point without even realizing it. After the first eye was done i was through watching if I was going to get us home that night I couldn't be sick while doing it. So I gathered our things and moved them to the next little waiting room. After that I stood watching through the window a safe distance from the TV.
I could see them working while Daniel laid there it was a scary few seconds watching him lie there helpless as they worked on his eyes. As they work on him something catches my eye. Not sure what it is I look up from where he is laying and I spot it.
It has been there the whole time for hours we have walked by this window countless times while working on other patients why hadn't I seen it before? Sitting on top of the laser machine with a perfect little purple scrub hat and mask on is a teddy bear. Looking down on Daniel. As soon as I see it i can't keep my eyes off of it but want to just run away and hide. Tears start to stream down my face and I am sure I looked like a basket case to anyone that saw.
How fitting is it of God to place that bear with that color on that machine so I could see it at that moment and be reminded that my baby and God were watching over Daniel. Addy was in there watching her daddy get his eyes fixed. It was a moment I will probably never forget. One that I can't get out of my mind. That bear. Not just the fact it was wearing purple hit me but with the work I have started on the bear project how much more fitting in this stage of life could that have been. I was overwhelmed and just tried to get through the rest of the time without bawling right there.
Daniel gets out of surgery we are done and are headed out the door finally!! We can barely get out the door before I break down and tell Daniel of the story of the bear. Through sobs of relief and feeling so loved I tell him his Addy was watching over him that night. It was a hard moment for me I had to regain some sort of composure before I pushed on and drove us home. As he sleep and I drove I just keep thinking of that bear, of what God did that night for me and every time I would thank Him and talk to Him I would just cry. It was a good trip home just me and God with Daniel asleep beside me. it was time for healing but a time to realize that He hasn't forgotten about us. That especially through this hard time He was going to be there and walk us through like He always has before.
Its still hard. Some days I feel like I am losing control, my life is spinning past me as I am stuck in this off position. But on those days when I am not slowed to a crawl I just have to try to hold on to these glimpse He is giving me of my baby girl and now that one day we will all be together again forever!!!
The next week was crazy. Daniel has been waiting and wanting to have lasik done on his eyes for a long time and we finally made the appointment and the consultation visit with the eye doctor the week before Christmas. We didn't know it would be so soon but the Monday after Christmas we were scheduled to be in the city for the appointment Tuesday they were going to do it. It was all so quick but that was a good thing didn't give me time to think about what was really going to happen.
We got to the city Monday and went to his appointment stayed the night and Tuesday was the big day. I could tell as time got closer he was getting anxious and wanting it to just be done and over with. As we enter the building I can't help but pray that God would let it all go well and that it wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone was taking it like it was no big thing and so I was going to do that as well. We did pretty good the first few hours of waiting and being shuffled from one spot to the next wasn't too bad just being there helped the tension in us both be realised some. Then they moved us into the room where they prepared him for the surgery. He sits down they get him all squared away and drugged up and the next hour or so is pretty comical. I know that God was there the whole time with us. He keep showing me signs of Him everywhere I looked. It was comforting to know that even in this small thing He was going to get us through it and be there right next to us.
After a lot of time, some minor issues that set the procedures back even longer and a machine malfunction we were up and running again and getting closer to Daniel's turn. I wasn't to scarred not sure I wanted to watch the procedure but was given the opportunity if wanted. I figure can't be that bad everyone else was watching so after they shuffle him into the room get him all ready I start to watch the screen and the procedure as they work on his eye. It is pretty amazing what they do and how quickly they do it. It was just amazing at how the procedure works and all. After getting one eye done I was done watching. I had the mechanic that had worked on the machine just prior to all this standing there telling me what was going on. I didn't really want the commentary but it was OK I had basically tuned him out at some point without even realizing it. After the first eye was done i was through watching if I was going to get us home that night I couldn't be sick while doing it. So I gathered our things and moved them to the next little waiting room. After that I stood watching through the window a safe distance from the TV.
I could see them working while Daniel laid there it was a scary few seconds watching him lie there helpless as they worked on his eyes. As they work on him something catches my eye. Not sure what it is I look up from where he is laying and I spot it.
It has been there the whole time for hours we have walked by this window countless times while working on other patients why hadn't I seen it before? Sitting on top of the laser machine with a perfect little purple scrub hat and mask on is a teddy bear. Looking down on Daniel. As soon as I see it i can't keep my eyes off of it but want to just run away and hide. Tears start to stream down my face and I am sure I looked like a basket case to anyone that saw.
How fitting is it of God to place that bear with that color on that machine so I could see it at that moment and be reminded that my baby and God were watching over Daniel. Addy was in there watching her daddy get his eyes fixed. It was a moment I will probably never forget. One that I can't get out of my mind. That bear. Not just the fact it was wearing purple hit me but with the work I have started on the bear project how much more fitting in this stage of life could that have been. I was overwhelmed and just tried to get through the rest of the time without bawling right there.
Daniel gets out of surgery we are done and are headed out the door finally!! We can barely get out the door before I break down and tell Daniel of the story of the bear. Through sobs of relief and feeling so loved I tell him his Addy was watching over him that night. It was a hard moment for me I had to regain some sort of composure before I pushed on and drove us home. As he sleep and I drove I just keep thinking of that bear, of what God did that night for me and every time I would thank Him and talk to Him I would just cry. It was a good trip home just me and God with Daniel asleep beside me. it was time for healing but a time to realize that He hasn't forgotten about us. That especially through this hard time He was going to be there and walk us through like He always has before.
Its still hard. Some days I feel like I am losing control, my life is spinning past me as I am stuck in this off position. But on those days when I am not slowed to a crawl I just have to try to hold on to these glimpse He is giving me of my baby girl and now that one day we will all be together again forever!!!
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