Here I am at this place once again where I am confused, hurt and unsure of the path I have been on. I haven't had a week like this in awhile. The moments they pass by but for the most part things are going good. I have gotten to place of acceptance of what has happened, or so I thought. But truth be told I am not and once again I find myself weeping on the inside and out for that precious little girl I miss so much.
My days have been getting easier with the occasional moments or times when I see, hear or smell something that might bring a memory back into my mind. But I have been doing better. Then it all hit me at once all in one week. Things I haven't thought of things I haven't dealt with, new parts of this painful experience that I didn't even know I had. New memories and feelings.
I can't help but ask God why I had to witness that. Why He didn't shield me from things that are going to hurt? I just don't understand why I had to hear what I did see what I did. Why? Here is what happened this afternoon at work a lady from another department who is pregnant and due pretty soon started having back pains and was getting very uncomfortable. I can't say that I don't envy her because in some sense I do. She works in the same building as her mom how nice would that be? I didn't even think of that being an option I always just wanted to live next door to mine but to work with her how handy. Anyways as her mother announces to the whole floor that she is having these issues they are going to take her to the doctor my heart stopped. This was what we missed out on.
The apparent joy in the mothers eyes, the eagerness in the Grandmothers voice we missed all that joy. My Mom was with me when I went into labor with Addy without her I would have panic and not known what to do but this was different. There was an excitement and a urgency I witnessed the other day that wasn't there with my little girl. There was not rushing around no excitement in the air, just a heavy sense of dread of what was to come when our little girl was finally on her way. I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I don't think anyone else was either. But we all knew that was what was coming and the excitement for that just wasn't there.
As these memories flood my mind I can't help but think I need to get out of this place away from all this. But as suddenly as it all comes about they were out the door and the ladies were buzzing with what ifs and excitment of what might be to come. That was more than I could stand. I grabbed my stuff as quickly as I could and took off. If I had to stay another minuet in that space I think I would have lost it. As I step out onto the cold, hard icy ground tears pour down my face. It is so painful I can hardly stand it.
I don't know why I have to witness stuff like that. Why I have to go through these experiences that everyone else just takes for granted but I did and I can't say I passed it with easy or even without being a little hurt. My heart is broken yet again for the little girl I am missing. My arms are aching once again for that little six pound baby to be in my arms. I just miss her with all I am and sometimes stopping to realize I still miss her as much as I do knocks me down and puts me in a place I haven't been i a while.
I know that this will pass. I know that I will be better with time, but I also know I am going to have these moment the rest of my life and that seems like such a big task to take on. One I defiantly didn't sign up for. The rest of the week followed suit with hard moments and times. It seems like this week was all about baby's starting from Sunday on. Just faced with diffrent baby situations all week. It has been hard and I find myself yet again searching for His promises that He is going to hold on to us through this time. I know He is and will continue to but at times like these when life dosn't make sense and things are hard to grasp I have to cling to Him tighter. Amongst my struggles this week two verses have been given to me two verses that helped me at the start of this journey. The one that sticks out the most is this one given to me by my mom. It just is fitting and perfect every day I deal with these emotions and question.
"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good things from those who do what is right." Psalms 84:11
Often when I am confused and dismayed at the turns my life has taken and I am asking "Why me?" I reach for Psalm 139. I read it and remind myself that nothing in my life has taken God by surprise because "You, Lord, saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." Find comfort and assurance in knowing that God has been preparing this path for you and you for this path. All my love.
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