Its the 20th today. A day that is normal and uneventful to the world around us. A day that means nothing really but it holds a place in my heart forever. It was this day a year ago that we went to the doctor anticipating the news. It was this day that we went into the lab I layed down on a table and they squirted that warm ( our tech is the best and warms it for you) goo on my belly. It was this day a year ago we learned we were having a baby girl. Our little hamburger. This was the first time we were ever introduced fully to our little Addison. Up to that point sure we talk, sang and did all that stuff to her but it was that day that we first laid sight on our little Addy.
A year later and things aren't what we expected for them to be a year ago. We have had our life turned upside down, sideways and any way but the right way. We have faced trials and battles I would have never believed we could have faced and we are still standing, only by Gods strength mind you not our own. If it looks like we are standing tall it is because God has supported us up to look that way. But a year ago Daniel got to gloat because he was right. We got to call our family and friends with the good news.. We got to go shopping for little girl things. All that has stopped and in its place is a hole in my heart and a tear on my check.
Even still to this day I miss her every moment. The other day i was sitting at work minding my own business unaware that there was even a baby in the building. Until i heard its cry and I had to do all I could to hold back my own tears. It is just so overwhelming still to see, hear or be near babies. Every time I see one everytime i hear one my mind automatically goes to the fact that I had that but couldn't handle it. I know that is irrational. I know it wasn't my fault but that doesn't keep the pain from being there or the thoughts to creep up anyways. It is still so hard at times.
Although the times are getting easier I can know work with the public something I didn't even think i could do a few weeks ago even. I have had my times of struggles. My times of having to excuse myself because tears were forcing there way out and I couldn't stop them. But in those times I look to the one that had brought us this far and know He isn't going to stop now.
A year ago if you would have told me my life would be totally different. Nothing would be the same I sure wouldn't have thought you meant in this way. Sure I would have been at home with Addy, having to get use to those moments when I want to just run away. But this way I would have never believed you. But with Gods help I will make it through. He has brought me through another trivial day and another mile stone in our lives that only He could get me through.
From know on I will always look at July 20 as a special day. It might not mean anything to anyone but me but that is ok. It is just another day to remember and be thankful for those times I did get to share with her. If that is how I can get through these times than that is what I am going to do. Remember her and the God that has brought us through all these trials together.
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