Change I don't like that word much nor do I like the meaning associated with it. It has been a long year of changes and it only seems to keep coming. I know that it isn't always a bad thing and sometimes change has to happen for us to get on the right paths and do what God wants us to, but that still doesn't make it any easier. I know I get this apprehension of change from my Mom's side of the family. Peep was never a one that liked change that is for sure. But sometimes it isn't about what we want but what God wants and that is what I have been dealing with yet again this week.
I started my new job on Tuesday and although I was scarred and reluctant to go I knew God had given me this opportunity and I had to at least go check it out and see what He had in store for me. It wasn't bad first day jitters came and went and over the course of the week all the stuff I had done for those almost 5 years at the other bank started to come back to me and needless to say I am picking it up alot more than I expected to. The job wasn't really the part I was dreading. The people were. I didn't know if I was ready to be out in the public again. Having to see all those babies and pregnant people. All the reminders of things I had but have lost. It is so hard.
I wasn't really ready but God has given me the strength to live through each situation when it arises and then move on. It has been hard in ways. I feel like I have to give up my baby girl yet once again and I hate that feeling. I am not sleeping well again like I did after we lost her. I sleep just have horrible dreams that wake me up screaming, crying or feeling like I just want to beat the snot out of something. So I wake up getting ready for my new job grouchy and hung over from a night of fighting in my sleep. Its been hard but I am making it. The job hasn't been that hard and for that I am truly grateful.
Friday though that was my first hard day at work. Not because of work but because of what took place. When I thought of this new job I never really though of all the new people that I would have to work with. Never even thought about the questions and the answers I would have to give. It happened Friday. We all got to talking they wanted to know about me. Asked the typical questions but then the big one came up and I didn't know how to respond like always. Asking about if we have children. Its hard to tell people that you do but you don't. A lot of times they don't get it and if they do they want more of the story. That's the part I dread. Not because I don't want people to know I just am afraid I might start crying again and not be able to stop. Its just so hard sometimes.
After I got through that part of the day it seemed to be going ok then a customer drove up. It was a face I haven't seen since that day we had to give her up for good and one I didn't think about honestly. But the funeral director pulled up, in that van he transported my precious baby in. It was almost more than I could take. I couldn't wait on him I had to run to the bathroom before the tears started streaming. It was a hard moment one I wasn't planning on having to face. Having to pull my composure together and head back to work I prayed for the strength to make it through this day.
As the day rolled on my arms started hurting again. Longing for that little body to hold. Wanting her to be here so I could just hold her. It was starting to get unbearable. I prayed again for God to give me the strength to make it through and He did. I just don't understand sometimes why these things come up when they do. When you think you have gotten over that part of the pain or you are healing more each day, then you have times like these that seem to stop all progress that seemed to have been made and go back to that same struggle once again. I know it is just part of the process but does it really have to be this hard forever?
Next week I am headed to a new branch of the bank, meaning more new people and more new questions to answer. I can only imagine what will happen but as long as I know I can call on God and He will come to rescue than I know I will be ok. He has put this opportunity in my path for a reason and I want to do all I can to make His plan fall into play. So I will go to work on Monday be prepared for those questions and looks and pray that God gives me the strenght each day to get through yet another day of life without our Addy.
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