First

I don't know why but lately I have been thinking about the past, alot. Where I came from what I have done. My life in general. What am I here for?  I always thought it was to be a mother but that seems to be such a small goal compared to others. I don't really feel like I have accomplished it either. Sure I have. I mean no matter what I am still Addy's Mom but to not have her here makes it seem like maybe it really didn't happen.  These are the times I pull out old pictures and start looking back to see how far I have become.

First off I take out Addy's pictures. The new ones have arrived and she looks so beautiful and peaceful. She is an angel and it sure makes her look one. Those always make me cry but I have gotten to not realize that isn't always a bad thing.  I then pull out any and all albums I have. I have a lot of pictures not in albums but I like the organization of them all. It just makes looking at them easier. I have a few that my grandma had made for me before she passed away and although they are incomplete something about where they left off just makes sense.  I love looking at those pictures. Early pictures of my siblings and I.  Mainly Allie and I.  Those are the pictures that make me smile. We have done some pretty silly things and regretfully we have a family that likes to document everything with pictures. That is ok. I have picked that gene up and although I can't take picture of Addy I take pictures of what I can to remember her with. 

That leads me to this picture of her first rose. It is the very first one off of her 3 bushes to produce a flower. Although when I took this picture last Saturday I didn't know the beating it was going to take this week it just was perfect that day.  Today I went out and looked to see if it has survived the sudden bursts of storms we have had and realized it was worn out. It is hanging sideways, has lost its color and is very ready to fall off and die.  It made me cry.  I don't know why, it is just a silly little flower. That is what they do they are there to be pretty for awhile and then they go away. It just seemed to be so dramatic for me.  That rose like my Addy has endured a lot in its short life time and like my Addy is at one point going to be gone and I will never have a first rose again. 

I will never have a first child again.  Addy will always be my first and like that rose I will treasure all that I have to remind me of her.  My first.  I have had a lot of first in my life some I can't even remember but none are or ever will be as remembered as my first baby.  My Addison June. I miss her but all I can hold on to is those memories and if I can keep those alive then I can feel like I am being her Mom even through the separation.