The Pictures

I finally did it. I took Addy's pictures from the hospital and had a professional see what they could do to them.  It was hard.  I didn't think I would be so emotional about it all. I took them in last week and they called at the end of the week to tell me they were ready to be viewed. I hesitated it wasn't something I thought would happen but once I got that news I stopped. I didn't know if I could go in there and look to see what they had done to my baby girl.  What if they didn't look like my Addy? What if they had to do so much it distorted her image that I have of her? A million what ifs ran through my head but I finally did it. I made the call made and appointment and went in today to see what they had done. 

They looked amazing. Our precious little girl was beautiful. She looked just like a healthy baby sleeping soundly. They are amazing what they can fix.  Of course there is still a few spots that even with new technology they couldn't make better but for the most part she looked perfect. She was perfect.  As I sat there viewing and discussing with the lady what I was picturing or wanting from these pictures it hit me.  I have seen these poses before. Where and why now did it have to come up?  It then hit me like a ton of bricks these are the same poses that she had made for us during her ultrasounds. How did this happen?  I don't know if it was the black and white imaging or what but it hit me I have seen this before.  Before when she was healthy. When we were expecting to bring her home and raise her. When we were going to be able to cart her everywhere we went and not mind because she was our baby.  Before...

I couldn't hold it in I started crying right then.  I didn't mean to. Trust me crying in public isn't top on my list of fun. But the emotions they were so raw I couldn't hold it in.  What is God doing here? I just couldn't comprehend.  How often would that happen?  The same pictures I have of her born I have of her before she was born. To me it was a miracle.  

I am going to be honest before today I never even thought about those ultrasound pictures. I don't even know were they are. Buried amongst her stuff I am sure but why today?  When I took those pictures in last week and had to pick which ones I wanted worked on I picked my favorite I never knew why they were my favorite they just were.  But why did I have to notice those poses while I was sitting in this strangers office? It was all I could do.  As we pushed through it and got to the layout of them and what I wanted I could only think she looks like an angel.

But I guess there is a reason why she looks like an angel becasue even then she was.  When those pictures were take she wasn't there its just her body.  I never got to know the person behind that body. I knew her temperments and I could feel her respond.  She loved to hear her Daddy's voice and loved to play kick with Kolby's head.  But I will never get to hear those lips speak my name or see those eye's well up with tears. I will never get to hold her and make it all right and at that moment I felt like I had lost her all over again. 

Although I am thankful for the opportunity to do this. I am thankful for the people that have put the time and effort into making it happen for me.  I just struggled with how hard it was. Me sitting there knowing I will never again get to pick out pictures of her.  It was overwhelming.

As I left the studio I was relived and excited. I think they are going to turn out so special and will be something I can have to display when we get strong enough to. I know there is still alot of times like these ahead and that makes it hard. But at least I had this time and was able to do this for her.  They made her look as beatiful as she can be and for that I am truely thankful. I have gotten a glimps of what she truely looks like and that means the world to me.