Yard Sale Time

What a weekend so far.  Miranda and I have been over in Shattuck having a yard sale the past few days. We did good I only brought home 2 things!! I have never had a garage sale where a the end that is all I had left I am very pleased.  Got some spending money for our trip to California next month I am excited and ready to go.  It was a good time and I am glad she invited me to go and participate. It was at times so hard though.

I haven't really been in that town since Addy.  We have visited once or twice for a few hours at the most but not like I had been.  Driving by that hospital brought back so many memories that at times it was hard to concentrate on what was going on around me.  That hospital holds a lot of my heart.  Not really the hospital but that is the one and only place in this world I ever got to see my baby.  The one place I will ever get to hold her, that one place that my world feel apart at. It was hard but we made it through.  I didn't really think about it when I agreed to join it was just going to be a yard sale. But the memories.

I did good and at the end of it all I was exhausted but pleased with the turn out and so thankful for such good friends we have to get us through this time and understand and except us even through it all.  Its hard to believe but we have lost a lot of friends because of this. They don't feel comfortable around us.  The don't like the fact that we talk about her it makes them uncomfortable. I don't know why.  She is a person just as much as there children are to them. She is as much a part of my life even though she doesn't live here with me I am still like them, a mother.  They just don't understand so tend to stay away.  But not Adam and Miranda even from the start they have been there through it all I am so thankful that they put up with us and haven't given up on us like most, they truly are some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

It was fun but as I got home and laid down this afternoon a though flashed across my mind that scarred me awake. I started to sweat and felt  knots in my stomach. I just got the image of me holding my Addy in that hospital in my head, the image of the nurse taking her from my arms and it hit me.  I will never get to see her again on this earth.  At the time it happened I knew that but also knew I had to let her go and was at peace about it. But that image of her being taken off and us never to see or touch her again that just became so real to me. I haven't thought about that. At the time we were both ready we knew we couldn't stay there and hold on to her forever. That is and will always be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Let my baby go and watch her as she walked out that door for good.  I don't know why I had to think of that. Why did it have to hit know?  I don't know as time goes I get more of my memory of those days, that time and it stings all over again. I guess with Mothers day being an upcoming event I just think more about what I don't have that I should. I think more about the events that have lead up to this point in our life. I think about Addison more than anything.

I know with the coming week and the coming times it is going to be hard. I will have a rough time and am expecting too.  But one day things will not be so hard. Everything wouldn't be such a struggle. I think the more time passes the more I feel her slipping away and I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to just be a memory I want her to be more than that. She is more than that.  So here we go with another week starting.  Another seven days to heal and maybe get some more ground closer to the sun yet again. I can see it at the end of the tunnel. It might still be far off in the distance but at least i can see it and for now that is what is getting me through.