A Diffrent Kind of Day

I had a different kind of day today. It started out like all the others have lately. I have gotten into a good rut and I like it there. I got up worked out, ate breakfast, did my computer work and headed out with Kolby for our walk. A lot to do but I love that my mornings are so planed, i don't have to think about it.  After breakfast yesterday I had sat down to make the long list of phone calls that I had been putting off. I had a lot of just maintenance stuff but one that wasn't.  I was going to call the photographer that the hospital recommended to see if he could do some work on Addy's pictures.  They aren't bad as is but if he could help that would be great. I called Monday but they were closed so I got the nerve to call again yesterday determined i had waited long enough.  I called and he said no problem just bring the disk in and they would see what they could do.

Then the debating with myself started. Was I really ready to do this. Take these pictures that were so precious to me. The ones I look at constantly to remind myself that she was real.  Can I take them out into the world and show a stranger my precious baby?  Would he cringe, think it was gross that I have these or would he be understanding. It was just so hard to want to go. But I decided I was going to do it. Being hard hasn't stopped me lately so I got ready got in the car and took them over there. It wasn't as bad as I pictured. He did have to pull them up on a giant computer screen and seeing them so up close was hard for a few seconds but then I just did what I have learned to do. I just took a deep breath prayed for God to get me through and not fall apart until I left and He did.

After that I was feeling better than expected.  I didn't burst into tears or even shed one actually. I had a peace that I was doing the right thing. Getting this done is going to mean so much to me so it was worth it.  I got in the car and decided I was doing ok I needed to do the one more thing that has been on my list that I have been putting off for 6 months now.  I was going to go pick up Addy's death certificate.  That was going to be hard.

  As i pulled into the funeral home parking lot, just happens to be the same spot we pulled into last time we where there, I felt a reluctance to go inside but made my self do it.  Went in picked it up and was off.  Still not as bad as I thought. God was giving me the strength to get through this all. He was there I could feel His presence and to me that was enough.  I didn't look at it, I didn't want to but when I got home I decided to read it just to see what it said.   It had all the basic info on it and as I scanned it something caught my eye and I had to laugh.

There under Daniel's name in the box marked place of birth it listed California as being his birth spot.  I just laughed that was funny to me.  I want to go back so bad and so I had to call him and tell him that he is just in denial even Addy says we need to go home:)

It was nice that there was something I could laugh about at a time like that. It was hard and I will admit if I didn't have plans later that afternoon I would have probably fallen apart thinking about it.  But I feel like that was the final step in doing what needed to be done. I have the certificate, the pictures are in the process I can breath.  I still miss her everyday. I still long to hold her.  I still want to hear her voice or see her smile just once but all that will come in time. In a better place and a better time.

I did get her doll finally. It is small and cute, with the verse that has helped me so much through this on her belly.  I like it, it was worth the wait.  One day I will get pictures up of her.  Until then I will just keep pushing along trying to get done what I can and remembering my Addy in everything I do.