Addy's First Easter

Am I glad that Easter is over.  Not that it was a bad day just a hard one.  I sure miss her on days like that.  Being away from family sure dosn't help the situation any at all. But we got through it.  With a few minor meltdowns and time with friends.  It was hard but we are still here after it so we have to move on. 

I woke up yesterday feeling like I did the day of her service. I just dreaded the day, dreaded what was to come and what I had to face her first Easter without her. It was hard after having  a meltdown because I didn't have any purple to wear I decided I wasn't going to sing in the choir. I had went to practice knew the songs and never even thought about what kind of day I would have until it arrived.  I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even get dressed without crying not a good sign.  So we went to church.  Daniel sang while I sat and watched.  To be honest I was glad when that was over so he could come and sit next to me and put his arm around me, not just because it was freezing in there, but because I needed him.   After church we headed home to start our own Easter dinner traditions.  He cooked Tenderloin on the grill he says it was like heaven, not sure I would go that far but it was good.  Then our friends arrived so we could hunt eggs with there daughter.  That was fun she might only be a year and half but she rocked at finding those eggs.

It is times like these that I realize I have to invest in a video camera before our twins get here:) Its kind of funny how that keeps coming up. Mom dreams about them, Daniel talks about them out of the blue with his Dad, I dream about them. I am seeing a pattern and getting concerned, but whatever we do get blessed with when we are ready for another one it will be wonderful.Twins or not I am getting closer to wanting another one.

After hunting eggs becomes no fun any more we decide to watch a movie and chill. That is basically what we do for the rest of the day. It was nice.  Once our friends leave it is Daniel and I all over again.  Not to mention I am tired which is never a good coping skill for me.  After they leave I walk into the bedroom and as I am walking out her room catches my eye. Not sure why I have her door open all the time it has gotten to the point it dosn't really bother me it is just her room. But I walk in there and I just start to cry not sure why but I can picture all her stuff where it was going to be. I could picture her Easter Dress hanging back up in the closet after a day of wearing it, I could just sense her and it all hurt just too much. I just stood in the door way crying. Daniel finally came to check on me frozen I couldn't move he puts his arms around me and we deal with the pain together.  It is just so hard to be left.

I know she was celebrating in a grand and glorious way.  I am sure she was beautiful just like she always is but to me the separation between here and there is almost too much sometimes. I just feel so overwhelmed and sad that she isn't here to celebrate with us.  I don't understand it, I am not going to act like I do but for whatever reason she was meant to go before us and that means facing all these days head on without her.  After sleeping last night and getting a new day to start out all over again. I feel relieved that, that day has passed. I know there will be plenty more of those days and that it will always feel like someone is missing, always.  But I also know we will get through them just like we did this one, holding each other and allowing God to hold us as well.