Here I am again. As the time get closer to little Addy's first birthday the trauma and pain have hit again. Not at the extent of what it was but never the less it is still here and still a consistent struggle for the both of us as that day draws near. It has been a particularly hard week. After a wonderful 9 day visit with my parents it was time for them to get back to there life in Cali. While we stayed behind and got back to ours. That was particularly hard, but always is. But after they left it was hard to get adjusted to the quite house and it being just the 2 of us again. Not that I don't enjoy that but it just seems like it is a constant reminder of the person that is missing in our day to day life. A year ago I was preparing for our world to grow and expand and be the three of us, in a way it is, but not physically and that hurts sometimes.
Its these times that I miss her the most. I think of her all the time. With the change of color in the leaves and the cooler weather arriving it takes me back to a year ago when all this was happening but with anticipation and excitement that is not here this year. I don't know it is hard to describe the hurt and the emotions that are going through me lately. I have been very emotional at times my emotions just take over before I know what is happening and then it is too late to gain any composure. It is just sudden, violent attacks of pain and then after it is all over I am left feeling worn out and hollow. Almost as if the days ahead are too much to endure. After a year of facing this reality everyday I just wanted it to be over. Or at least be a little more calm. I wasn't prepared for all the memories and all the pain to come flooding back.
It has and will continue to be hard for us. I am sure as the day grows closer maybe I can keep my mind busy with other things so that it isn't as hard as I am expecting it to be. We are going to have a Birthday weekend for her. We are going to go the city see Shrek the musical and see a basketball game with the Youth group. It will be a time of fun but also a time to remember that little precious girl we had to let go of. But we will be here when it is over and I know the only way we are going to get through this, like so many other times recently, God is going to be holding us through it. That is a thought that can and does put me at easy and helps me through these most difficult times.
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