Fathers Day a day I haven't even really thought about much lately. It kind of came too suddenly. I wasn't prepared to say the least. I don't know why it surprised me so much. It wasn't like I hadn't thought about it, I had. I even got Daniel a few things and then the day came and it totally blindsided me. I woke up feeling ok but as the day moved on it got harder and harder to deal with the emotions building up inside. I eventually couldn't take it and broke down a few times. It is just so hard to have these time.
It was a different experience than Mothers day. Of course it probably should be. The emotions and feelings weren't as raw although they were still in the front of my mind all day and they were raw just a different kind of feeling. I thought more about the impact this was having on others, the men in my life that is effected. My husband my father my brother. Although most of them don't show it I know what each one feels. I can see it in there eyes when I start talking about Addy. I can sense the shared pain. It sounds weird but in a way it makes it seem a little less harder when I see that. I know i am not alone.
It is hard when you were the only one to experience this person. I was the only one that actually got to feel her, hold her and carry her for those nine months. The only one that got to have the physical bond with her being a part of me. But even still these men don't deny the fact that they held her too just in a different way. It's overwhelming to think that they are struggling with this on there own levels. I know what I am dealing with but what about them? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is going through this. I feel like I am dealing with this daily pain alone. But I know that isn't the case and I can sense that when I am around those that I love.
I think that is why this is so hard for me. Being away from my support group is the hardest. I feel like I am a million miles away from those that are going through this and understanding it the most with me. As everyone else has forgotten about it or just written it off as something that no one can understand. They don't comprehend the life that was lost. The don't grasp the severity of my heart ache. The just don't get it. But I know that there are few people that will. But I also know there are a few people that do and that try to help me with my search for peace, my search for finding a place of happiness and acceptance.
I know that there are going to be more days like yesterday. More events more times that are going to be hard. Special events that I looked forward to her being here and without her just seems like there is an empty hole. But I know that I do have my support group and even though most of them are 1500 miles away I know that they understand my pain, feel for me and pray for me everyday and that is all I can ask for. I am truly blessed to have them and without them I would have never gotten as far as I have. But for them I want to say, don't give up on me. I will one day be able to deal and cope with this loss and move forward with things. But be patient like you have and keep praying that is all that gets me through.
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