Days of Grief

Our Addy...

As I sit here thinking about our precious baby girl I can't help but have a tear in my eye.  I miss her so much.  Especially on special days, like when Allie got her degree or when we took what would have been her first trip to Yosemite.  Just stuff like that makes me feel empty like something is missing from all the pictures we took.  All the places we went  there was one thing missing. One thing we can't replace.  Its just hard sometimes.  This weekend I know is going to be one of those times.  Maybe not as bad as Mothers Day was for me but I am sure at some point during the day I will grieve that fact that Daniel is missing his baby too.

As we face these hard times and days ahead it is all I can do from coming to a stand still and not wanting to move forward with anything.  It is just so hard and I know that there will be harder days even still to come. But at times I don't want to move on without her.  I know we have no choice we can't choose to just stay still and not move because even if we choose that the world around us is still going and eventually we will have to catch up to it and I really don't want to have to do that.  So we trudge forward. Some days with a heavy heart and tears in our eyes because we miss her so much.  This week seems to be a week for that, tears in my eyes.

I can't stop thinking about her, how much I want her here with me.All the if only's going through my head.  If only she were here, if only I could hold her again if only...  That gets us no where and I understand that in my head but to wait for my heart to catch up with it that is the hard part.  I find myself avoiding her room avoiding the suitcases on the floor in there that still need unpacked.  Avoiding going in there because if I do the emotion will sweep over me again. I just avoid it and seem to do OK, until I realize I am avoiding it and that makes me even more upset. Just not a winning situation right now for me.

I figured I was past this, figured this wouldn't be so hard on me. But even picking out a Fathers Day card i had to stop and leave because I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes.  Is it always going to be this hard? Will I always have this empty space in my heart and life were my baby girl should be? Probably but as I learn of new ways to cope with it I also face new aspects of this struggle.  Some days I just don't even think I can move on today is one of those kinds of days.