Suds on the Roof

I woke up today not feeling very good. Not sick but just feeling kind of down it was one of those days I could feel the struggling start before my feet ever landed on the floor. I was preparing myself for a hard day. Apparently God had other plans for my day.

As I sat at the table doing my morning Bible study I saw shadows overhead. Like birds flying by.  Kolby wasn't growling so I figured it was just something the wind picked up but as more and more shadows danced across my pages I had to look up.  When I did I wasn't prepared for what I was going to see.  It wasn't birds it wasn't even any creature at all  it was soap suds.  Soap suds from my washer. I had started some laundry before I headed into the kitchen and now they are spewing out of my roof!!

Not a good thing at least  I don't think so, so  I do what I always do when weird stuff happens I call Daniel. Luckily he wasn't busy and answered the phone. I hate when I have pressing things to tell him and he gets busy at work and doesn't answer my call. How dare him actually work while at work:) But anyways I tell him what is going on best to my ability and he sounds like I am making stuff up. I don't know what to tell him. I see soap coming from our roof how much more technical do you need me to be?  So he tells me it probably isn't that big of a deal and he will come look at it tonight.

How am I suppose to get him clean clothes for the rest of the week if I am worried about suds coming from my roof?  Well to make the story not so long. Him, and I am guessing the guys at work, have it all figured out it isn't a big deal and i continue on with laundry, oh joy.  I don't know why but i have cleaning clothes issues. Don't get me wrong i love clean clothes i just hate the work that is involved with keeping up with them. I can't ever remember I have clothes in the dryer so they get wrinkly i have to re fluff them it is just a mess. I know if i did it the way mom taught me I wouldn't have these issues but I don't i get busy and forget so I think i was wanting him to tell me to stop all laundry at once.  Well that didn't happen.  I am off again to tackle another load and to maybe see if i can get a giant bubble to form on my roof that would be cool:)  I did take pictures just to prove I am not making this up if I can figure out how to post them I will.

Moral of the story. Even when I think it is going to be a rough day God turns it around with just a little humor. I love His humor I get it everytime and it almost always cheers me right up:) Suds on the roof...hey maybe we can make a song about it. 

Oklahoma Weather

I had started walking last week.  Kolby loves it I enjoy it so I figured it would be a good tradition to add to our morning rut.  Monday it was cold cloudy and dreary, after Sunday being icy and stuff I knew better than to head out there unless I had to. So we didn't get to go Monday.  Then Tuesday it is sunny and a clear day looks like it is beautiful outside, until you step out there. My feet and hands where numb in two seconds we made it to the halfway mark of our halfway mark and had to turn around my checks couldn't take it any longer. I am kind of disappointed but as I sit inside am thankful for a heater and insulation in this house.

Next time Daniel tells me it is nice outside I am going to make sure he isn't smoking anything when he tells me that.  I think something is wrong with his body it doesn't know when it is hot or cold it just stays the same all the time. Not mine i get cold and every inch of me is cold and when I get hot everything gets hot.  I had hot flashes after Addy was born for awhile let me tell you that was awful. I told my mom now I know why she makes such a big deal about them, they are not fun and they are definitely more than just a flash. Mine lasted for longer than a flash anyways. I would wake up in the night and be drenched in sweat that is the worst feeling every. You just want to get in the shower to cool off.  It is no fun not to mention it interrupted what little sleep I was getting anyways. 

But i have decided it might be becasue he grew up in this unpredicatable weather pattern he is more use to it. My body knows that when it is sunny it should be warm when it is cloudy it should be cold. When we have thunder storms it should get cooler, not always the case in Oklahoma.  It can be 80 degrees one day and then snow a few feet two days later. It is crazy.  I don't know how to dress when I get up and it dosn't really matter because by the end of the day it might be completely oposite from when you woke up.  One thing I have learned living here you layer, layer, layer and when you get hot you can start peeling the layers off.  Oklahoma weather will I ever get use to it?

The Stand

I'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe to the one who gave it all
I"ll stand
my soul, Lord to you surrender all I am is yours.

My favorite song by Hillsong to date. I love that song. Those words are so what I feel everyday. Even through the tears and the heartaches of Addy. Even through the pain of missing her and the moments of fear I get when I think about all the what ifs. He is still there and if i just reach out with my arms high and abandon all my fears and feelings He will meet me.  He will be there, and He will feel the pain right there with me.

It's kind of weird what has brought me to write this post.  As I sit here waiting for Daniels lunch to get done so I can take it to him, I have the Ipod on and am just listening to the words of that song once again, and they hit me.  Its like it is a new song a new experience every time I hear it.  I have big dreams and aspirations that one day I will learn how to play that on my guitar. On that day it will be great.  Granted it will probably be years from know. Hillsong is hard to play especially for a beginner but One day I will.  Just like one day I will hold my baby.

This might seem different to people but I have made a play list of music for music for Addy. She has her own play list in my ipod, songs that have gotten me through this time.  Songs that I have heard and songs that will remind me of this time. Some are old ones i already knew others are new. Most are spiritual but there are some that aren't.  Its is just a very eclectic arrangement and this song sits among those.  Music is so healing.  She loved music I know she would have been a rock star:)

I know she is up in Heaven right know singing and praising and loving every minuet of it. She doesn't miss me but she see's me miss her and is telling me it is going to be ok. One day she will get to sing for me.  Until then I can just listen to her play list and think of her always.

But just like that chourus says, I am going to stand with my arms held high giving Him all the praise and glory for all He has done in our lives.  One day we will see her and we will hear her perfect voice singing for her Jesus and that is the moment I am looking forward to the most.

The Fall

So this is going to be a hard one for me to write. It is so sensitive and humbling all at the same time.  I just can't believe it happened and I can't believe I am going to share it. But here we go anyways.  Daniel and I went to the city last weekend for Valentines and to just get away.  Well I didn't tell the whole Valentines story because it is kind of sad, for me at least, funny for everyone else.

We left the house after Daniel got off work Saturday and took Kolby to the dog sitter.  We have a great dog sitter so it dons't seem so hard to leave him which is nice.  We are on our way to the city.  We get there I am impressed we didn't have to stop one time I am getting better at this traveling thing without stoping again. I am excited.  We head to some stores because I want to get an outfit for that night for dinner.  No luck anywere. The stores and mall is packed I wasn't think about last minuet V-day shoppers but they were out in groves that day.  So after trying on some stuff but not loving any of it we left and headed to the room to check in and get ready for dinner. 

We get checked in and to our room.  As we close the door behind us Daniel see that there is an extra peep hole lower than the orginial one. He kind of chuckles and says there is a peep hole for midgets.  That just made me laugh because as he was saying it he was looking through it as well.  I didn't think any more about it untell i turned on the light to the bathroom.  We had no bathtub.  Just a shower. I don't know why I was so suprised by it but it just caught me off guard.  We got a handicaped room.  Don't get me wrong I don't think there was anything wrong with it I just couldn't figure out why we were put in this room there might have been someone that needed it more and we were taking the space. As i pulled out the confermation i realize i booked a accessable room.  For some reason everyone I tell this too thinks it is so funny. I wasn't looking at that when i booked it just that we could get  a king bed so i guess moral of that story look four times before you book. I always check it out a million times before i book but this time i guess I just wan't paying attention. 

We get a few laughs at my expense and then get ready and head to dinner. We had a nice time my brother had flown out and it was just nice to be with family and people that just get me. Although they make fun of me a lot they get my humor and my motives and I don't have to be something I am not when I am around them.  After dinner we head to the room and go to bed. It was OK.I never sleep good in strange places on hard beds but we did OK. The next morning we woke took showers and got engulfed in a HBO movie and couldn't pull ourselves away until it was over.  After that we loaded up and headed to go see his friend Brad who lives down there. We hung out went to a late breakfast and then went shopping.  As we headed to JCPenny's I told them they could drop me off and go to best buy next door so without hesitation they did.  I had that same luck there as all the stores before, nothing cute or my size was available so i gave up.  As Daniel texts me to come pick me up i come face to face with this little girl.  She had dark read hair with big curls. She was probably 4 or 5 but her hair just took my breath away it was so similar to Addison's.  As I saw that I was defiantly ready to leave then. As i head out the door I see my car pull up to the curve and stop for me to get in. 

Here is were the story takes a turn.  For those of you who are faint and can't handle scary things you might want to skip this part:) I might be being a bit over dramatic but I don't think so.  So here is the car waiting for me.  I head to it and as i reach for the door knob all I can think is please get me out of here before I burst into tears.  I can't handle this right know. I reach for the handle and at that point something happens. I am totally unaware of what happened but all I know is the next second I am on the ground rolling behind my car.  Literally I feel off the curb and rolled down back behind the car. It took me a second to regain myself make sure that just happened as strangers and my husband rush to my side.  I took a good roll contents of my purse and body strewn about on the sidewalk.  As these people help me up and get all my stuff to me it is all i can do to keep from crying.  I finally get all my belongings back together and am headed to the car door which Daniel has so graciously opened for me when this stranger calls to me.  He comes over to me and holds his hand out. He says " You dropped this do you want it?" In his hand was a smashed half melted Hersey's kiss that had fallen out of my purse.  Do I want that? I know I am a fat girl but please I don't need my chocolate that bad that after I rolled on it on the city sidewalk I want to keep it and eat it.  I politely tell him no but thank you get in the car and we take off.

We are not even out of the parking lot and tears stream down my face.  I was mortified. I don't really know what upseated me the most the fall, the humiliation or the fact that this guy is trying to feed me chocolate. I am sure in his mind he thought it was a nice gesture i might just need it after something like that. But to me it was more than that.  It was a painful reminder that I still carry this weight not only the physical but the emotional weight of lossing our little girl everywere I go.  It was crushing to me at that point.

The longer I have thought about this the more it occurs to me that my life is so much like that fall.  We have had a bad fall one that we weren't prepared for, and one that we wish would have never happened. We have had alot of people help pick us up along the way.  We are back on our feet and trying to get through the rest of life as we are.  We have yet to drive away from that curb though. One of these days we will be ready to leave this season, this moment in our life behind. We will be able to move on and drive away from the curb. Not leaving her behind or even the memory's we have of her but being able to get on with life and not keep clinging to that curb. I know God is waiting on me to get to the point were we can tell Him we are ready for Him to drive us on to the rest of our lives.  He is at the wheel waiting I am just not ready to pull away from it yet.

Someday I will be and at that point I am sure God is going to make it a good drive. We are going to get to do and see good things happen. We are going to be able to trust in Him with a new faith and insight.  We will get to move forward and with God at the wheel I can't think of any better driver than that.  On that day when we both are ready to pull away from that curb God will be at our sides and will know where we are going and what we are going to do. Untell then we just have to rely on Him and know he has good plans and good days ahead. 

When You Lose It All

Here we are again.  Finding it a hard season in our lives. Wondering if anything ever is going to turn around and be happy again.  It seems like when you are down you stay down for so long sometimes it is hard to ever feel like you will ever make it up again.  I understand that feeling all too well.  I understand that sometimes we hurt and feel like nothing is ever going to pick up.  We are destine to have miserable lives.  But we aren't God doesn't want us to be miserable, He wants us to be happy and seek Him.

After struggling yesterday with such emotions and feelings I felt like today was going to be a new day a better day.  Although I haven't been as weepy I still am sad and so I felt like going outside for a walk. To get a new perspective on life and just to get out of the house.  Kolby will never turn down a good walk so after i searched for his "clothes", his harness and leash, and get myself all bundled up we head out.  It was nice refreshing and not as cold as I imagined it to be.  As we started on our way I just started praying. Praying for God to show me something that can help me with these feelings.

Along the walk I got to thinking about Daniel and I's life. How we meet, became friends, got mad because one of the friends wasn't cooperating and engaged already:) (sorry babe I had to throw that one in), and eventually became a couple and then married.  It happened quickly and it was something if given the situation all over again i would do it again.  But as I got to thinking about it and all those times before that, that i struggled with so many different emotions and self doubt I saw it all in a different light. I was searching for Daniel but in that I also found God and that is really the first place in my life I put Him and His will above my own. I had made decisions before that included Him but never to that extent. Never just giving it all over to him and completely letting go.

I felt a lot of times growing up especially those middle school and high school years that I was never going to amount to anything anyone would want. I had a desire to be in relationships like all my friends. Experience some of the stuff they were experiencing and I though there was something wrong with me for not ever being in that same kind of situations.  But as I got older and realized that God had different plans for me, I had to start trusting in His plan and give all that up to Him.  I still struggled a lot with that even into my college years. It wasn't until I meet Daniel that I realized what it was all for. Why I had to wait so long to get him.  It was worth the wait and the struggle but if you would have told me that in high school I probably would have laughed in your face, ok probably not I was too polite for that but inside I would be doubting it.

Its like that again in a different way now. We are struggling with stuff that we can't control. We feel like we have lost everything.  The one thing I wanted in life was a family.  Although we had made the decision to wait until we were married for a few years before we started to try i never thought this road would be so long and hard. We have hit many obstacles and turns along the road and we start to wonder when is it going to be our turn?  I am not ready by any means right now to have another one. Maybe in the near future we can think about it we just need to get through these days first.

As I walked though I thought of something else. I had been writing in a journal while I first started to sort through this all. I would look up verses and then write them down. I opened that journal when we got home and found a verse.  This verse is one that helped me through a particularly rough time. Around the month milestone of her leaving us. Ever month those days come and some days hit me harder than others. It is never predictable one day that will be hard one month isn't a big deal the next. There is no set pattern to my grief but I try to just allow it to come when it wants to.  But anyways here is the verse I had relied on in so many days of my journey and maybe it will help someone else today. 

" Now may the Lord of peace Himself countinually grant you peace in every circumstance.  The Lord be with you all!!" 2 Thessalonians 3:16

Hard Days

This weekend has been a whirlwind of events and emotions. Not sure what to think or how to act until I step back and analyze it all.  It just has been hard.  I never even saw it coming. Didn't even think about the effects of our Addy's first Valentines until it was here hitting me in the face.  I don't know why I wasn't even thinking about it.  That is one holiday that Daniel and I both never really got into. Funny how the one day set aside to show each other you love them we don't even celebrate it.  We figure we do that everyday so why make one day more special than the rest.  I now understand. I am sure it is because of my daughter that I have these strong feelings but our theory was blown right out of the water this weekend.  Yeah we do try to show love to each other everyday but we need to celebrate while we can because we never know what is going to happen and we might not get another chance to show that person how we feel.

We went to the city so we were away and it was nice. As we scrambled to find something to do Sunday evening it hit me.  This was Addy's first Valentines. We should have been toting her around. We should have been at the picture place taking cute pictures all decked out in her Valentines outfit.  We should have been....There are a lot of things that should has taken place that didn't.  Instead we went to the movies without her.  It was ok i broke down a few time during the movie not because it was sad but because it hurt not having her here. But then toward the end of the movie a lady sitting down in the front row had her child in her arms screaming.  That baby was hungry or mad or something just crying away and instead of taking the child out she just let it scream. Of course being a grieving mother this was about all i could handle.  It didn't matter what was happening on the movie screen that sound was the only thing my mind and my ears and every ounce of my concentration was on.  It was there that it hit me.  This was the day set aside to show people we love them and our love wasn't there.  It was all i could do to hold it in.  Finally that mother got up and the noise stopped i could get back to the movie. But i never really got back into it. My thoughts and hurts were all racing and it hurt again like the first time.

After the movie trying to salvage what little bit of time we had to make that day a little more special we decided to go to dinner.  We went to Taco Bell:) I like it we don't have one where we live so it is a treat to get to go. The mood light might not have been set right but there were very few people in there, in fact all that was in there was two tables full of teens, so it was nice.  We did try to make the rest of the day special but deep down we both still just felt like sobbing for the pain we were feeling.

The next day we got out to do our shopping before we headed home.  After a few setbacks and delays we started our shopping trip and we were having a good time.  Then I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby to look at pictures for our bare wall that stares at me when i sit at the computer.  I never intended it to go the way it did. We weren't in there long when my mind went to ribbon. I was needing some more cute ribbon for some bows for the bouquet we will be placing on Addy's grave this weekend when we go to set the stone.  All i wanted was ribbon. But as we strolled along the isle we got caught in the flower section.  The dreaded flower section. It seems like every time i go in there they are always half off and being taught how to shop sales by my grandma I can't just pass them up.   But it was different this time Daniel was with me and as we searched for the perfect flowers it hit us both.  What were we doing? This isn't how this was suppose to go we would have never thought a few months ago that we would even have to face this, buying flowers for a grave for that special little girl we were so anticipating the arrival of.  It was almost all the both of us could do from breaking down in the store. As we got in the car and headed off I could feel the tears streaming down my face and as I looked over I could see them welling up in Daniels eyes. Its not often that we both go through those emotions together but it is good for me to be able to go through them with him.  I wouldn't want to be the only one who feels the pain that wouldn't be right. I know it hurts him just as bad as it does me and on days like that it is all we can do to just hold each other and get through it together.  That is what we did.

The car ride home was a good one we laughed and talked and just made the rest of the weekend what we wanted it to be in the first place. I think my mom was right though. She made the statment that sometimes when you get out of your rut or your secure places and you just slow down for a few minuets it all comes flooding back. That is so what this weekend was about. It was us getting away but when we do that we tend to focus on it more just because we have the time to. 

I don't know what God has in store for us next. I don't even know how we get through weekends, days and moments like that if it wasn't for Him we wouldn't.  But I do know that He does have a plan and has good things in that plan for us. We just need to continue to seek His will and His face and He will do like He promises and He will bring good things to those who wait on Him. 

I Hate Stickers!!

It is amazing how the simple things in life are missed so much when you don't have them.  In August we bought a house.  Probably not the best thing to do when you are 6 months pregnant, at least not one that needed as much work as ours did.  But it was ours and that was Daniels way of nesting before our little Addy was to arrive.  He wanted it to be all perfect when we walked through those doors with her in toe.  As we all know that didn't happen and the stress of the house was a lot to handle.  We spent every moment we had out here working on it so it would be ready.  But with construction delays and other delays we missed our target date and just wanted it to be done around the time she was to be here.  Needless to say we were still working on it when everything happened and it all seemed to not matter any more. We had gracious enough friends and family that stepped in and did an amazing job to get it done so we could be in it and move on with our lives.  With that we are thankful.  But one thing got set aside and never got done and that one thing would be amazing to have again.  A dogie door!!

I am sure those of you with dogs with out this luxury are probably laughing at me telling me suck it up. But that was the best part of the other house.  My Dad had so lovingly took time one visit to install one for us and our lives were never the same. The convenience of Kolby letting himself out it was just amazing. I didn't have to get out of bed to let him out he could do it himself and did. Although it still woke me up i didn't have to get up and wait for him while he mingled outside with his nose to the ground. I am convinced he goes out there to play more than anything especially at night when you are really tired and just want to sleep it takes forever.  But to not have that any more has been an adjustment. 

Last night at 4:41am to be exact Kolby so lovingly placed his cold nose about three inches from my face and stared untel i woke up that is his way of letting me know he needs out.  So i crawl out of bed grab my glasses so i can see where i am going somewhat and head to the door to let him out.  As he roams the backyard and I stand there waiting for him I start to watch him.  We have a lot of stickers in our backyard and he inevitably gets at lest one in one of his paws every time he goes out. He is getting better with them.  He can usually pick them out himself but there are stubborn ones he can't get.  At first he hadn't learned the trick and instead of spitting them out he would keep them in his mouth trying to eat them. After a few incidents where we had to pry them out of the roof of his mouth he has gotten better and doesn't try to eat them as much any more. 

But as he hobbles back to the door i realize he has a pesky one and wasn't able to get it out himself. Not wanting to turn the light on i go get a flashlight and find the culprit and pull it out.  With a yelp and then a hug he is off to bed and i follow suit a few seconds behind.  With in two seconds it seemed he was under the covers and asleep me not so much.  As i lay there for the next hour and a half i start to think about him and the stickers.

He has a path worn out along the outside of the yard a safe path. He knows if he walks that path that the chances of  him getting multiple stickers is rare.  He has worn it out and knows just were he can and can't steep.  At night he is very cautious about sticking to that path except if he sees a cat, which last night was one of those nights.  I got to thinking about that though.  Isn't that kind of how we are?  We are let out on our own to follow a path.  We can either follow the one we know is safe and wouldn't hurt us too much or we can take a chance and step out on those scary stickers.  God has  given us the chance to choose which path we want.  If we follow the one he has for us we know were it will end up leading us to.  Even if we choose that path it doesn't mean we aren't going to get a few stickers in our lives over the years but we have someone we can run to, to help us pull them out.  But if we stray from that path what can happen.  Like Kolby we get stubborn try to take care of the hurt ourselves and end up hurting ourselves even more because we don't really know what we are doing. 

Just like Kolby, God lets us out in life to explore and do what we feel like we need to do.  But He is there every step.  When we hit a patch that might not be so packed down and we get stickers in all our paws God is there to help us pick them out and get us back on our feet.  It is like this  we didn't choose to lose our daughter.  We never thought this would happen and never even planed for it to happen. So when it did we were stopped in our tracks crippled with the fear and grief that is to be expected.  But what we did next was the step that is the most hard to take. We rely on God to help us pick those stickers out, He is still working on it.  It still hurts and will always leave an lasting scare and sting but the fact that He was there for us when we needed Him most is the best feeling anyone can know.  You are loved no matter what and it doesn't matter how many stickers our hearts are holding if we let Him He will pull them out for us and then help us to regain life after wards.

It is just one more way God is showing us that He is in this with us.  We aren't having to do it alone and we don't have to face a future of uncertainty alone. He will be there for us through it all just like He has proven to us this time that He cares and that He really loves us.  He will be there the next time we steep in a patch of stickers and get stopped but He will pick us up, pull them out and let us continue on the path He has laid out for us.  It is far better to follow that path than go out into the thick of those stickers and get hurt even more. 

Writting on the wall

 I was studying the other day about King Belshazzar.  For those who don't know or need a refresher this King was a king in Bible that threw a big party.  During that party he took out and used some of the gold and silver dishes from the temple.  This was not a good thing to do. So while he threw this big bash with thousands of people there getting drunk something strange happened.  During the fun something appeared out of nowhere. It wasn't something anyone could explain it was a hand.  Just a hand no body or any other parts that normally accompany the hand just the hand and this hand started to write inscriptions on the wall.  Well, to  make a long story short all the people left.

The king was terrified of course and called for all his wise people to come and read the inscription. None of them could so Daniel was sent for and brought in to read it to the King.  Now what Daniel had to tell the king wasn't great news, basically the writing said that the kings days were number, or about to end, all of the stuff he had to rule over was going to be divided amongst the enemy and he had been tried and feel short of what he was suppose to do.  So after Daniel tells him this he leaves and that night the king is killed.  A pretty sad story if you think about it but this is why I have been thinking about it.

The other day while I was in the shower I saw a letter on the bathroom wall amongst the fog.  It was a letter I didn't remember putting there but might have at some point. Don't tell me I am the only one that still plays in the fog on the shower walls. Come on it is fun and you can draw and then it goes away. But anyways as I looked up at what I saw tears streamed out of my eyes instantly.  It was just a simple letter but one that stands for so much for us right know. It was a capitol A.  Just like that clear as I could type it, there it was under the fog.  Why did I see that and how did it come about?

Like I said i don't remember putting that up there and I know Daniel didn't do it. But I know someone did just who is the mystery. But why the letter. I think it was there to remind me that this did happen. Lately I have been feeling like it has all been a dream.  Like i really didn't go through that I never really got pregnant. I don't know I am sure it is the devil trying to get me to negate what God has done through it all. But i needed that reminder that day. I go on about my days and as they do get a little easier at times I feel almost sick to my stomach when I say that.  I still miss my daughter more than anything and if i could have her here i would but for it to get easier I am not sure that will ever happen. Just when i think that maybe we are making some progress something happens and i feel like we get knocked back down. Although we don't stay down as long and the road up seems to be getting shorter it is still hard.  I was having one of those days. I had been knocked down and had been trying to get up but was having troubles with that part that day.  Then i say the writing on the wall.  I saw that A and i just knew that she was going to be here with us no matter what.  Even while doing task that are simple and we do everyday she is still with us even during those times.

I can't imaging how that king felt when the hand appeared. I know I would be peeing my pants more than just getting weak in the legs like the king did.  To see those words that he didn't understand or get.  I can relate to that part. Althought i understood what that letter means to me it was hard to see it in that subtle of a place.  He had to bring in all the top dogs to see what it meant. I did to in a way, although I only called in one and He was the one who knew what it meant from the start   It was there for me to remember and not forget that she is waiting for me and that she loves me.

The Bible dosn't say if the inscription stayed on the wall or vanished after all this. I like to think it stayed there as a reminder to all that entered and was there to witness it.  They could look at that point if they ever doubt what had happened to there king and see exactly the truth and the meaning behind it. But not just that the miracle of the writting.  I think that is why my A has stayed there. Even after a few cleanings and a lot of steam overtaking it. It is still there as  reminder to me that she will be with me.  She is with our God and if I just trust that I will get to see her again. I will get to hold her again and I will get to tell her how much I love her.

What is that?

I was in the bathroom primping my hair today when I found something that shocked me to the bone. Something so terrifying, it was almost all I could do from screaming in horror.  It was more terrifying than a creepy eight legged spider on my towel.  More scary than leaving my hairdryer plugged in while in the bath. It was a....White Hair.  On my head!!  It was so pure white that when I first saw it i gasped in horror. I thought i had just got styling gel that wasn't worked in good enough. So as i try to work it in harder and harder i realize it wasn't gel at all it was attached and it was a hair!!

Ok so I might be a little dramatic about it but I am too young for white hairs.  I am too young to be going gray aren't I?  Well actually gray I might have taken that a little easier but it wasn't gray at all it was white like the color of snow.  It wasn't the first one I have found in the past few weeks.  My hairdresser, which is also one of my best friends, told me she had found a patch of small ones but i just laughed it off. I didn't really think she meant it.  Although if you ever meet her you would know she will tell you the truth no matter what. I thought she was just being mean.  But there it is was for real staring me in the face a big fat ugly white hair.  I had to pluck it. Despite all I hear I couldn't bare to live with it.  It was too much for me to handle.  

Sunday at church I found another one. It was long and as we were singing I just caught the glimmer of something shinny out of the corner of my eye and as i looked to see what it was this long white hair was waving at me.  I plucked that one too and showed it to Daniel.  As he started rolling on the floor laugh I told him it was his daughters fault and that made it even more funny to him.  Sure I make fun of him about his ever receding hair line but he can shave his head and pull it off, I don't think my head is the right shape for that.  It is comical but also sad at the same time. 

It is a milestone for many but at this age I think there is something wrong.  I see the effects that Addy is taking on my body.  The stress and grief that have been surrounding us since that day.  But i never thought it would go to my hair, my hips and stomach maybe but my hair.  I guess that is part of being a mom things change and you have to learn to deal with all the differences in your body.  

I can now see why my grandpa after my grandma first past away had said he felt like in one year he had aged ten. As i plucked that hair out that was the same thing I was thinking.  I feel like I have aged alot through this process. Not that i probably didn't need to grow up some but I feel like an older person.  Just another sign of something that grief can do for you.  So for the first time in my life i think it might be time to make an appointment to get my hair colored.  What a scarry thought....maybe I will go purple in honor of Addy:)

Basketball Games

Every year the church has a Men's league basketball team. My husband, although against his will, always ends up playing. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the fact that he is involved, just basketball isn't his strongest game. With his short frame and all he is always the littlest guy out there and always picks the biggest guys to block, when he gets to play. But anyways this has been a tradition every since we moved to Woodward almost 5 years ago to date. I have always enjoyed watching him go out there and give it his best.

I don't know why but every year at basketball games I see parents with there newborns or there baby's there and I have always thought that the next year that would be us. Every year sitting at the games watching the parents and kids, I tend to do that more than the game, interact it was just something about that, that I was looking forward to doing.

Like I said it isn't our best sport and gets a little boring to watch our men get stomped every week, so I start to people watch when i get bored. Anyways, so every year for five years now I have thought this year was going to be the year. That the next year when we steep in that gym for the first game I will be able to have our baby in his or her carrier and have something to take care of and watch while the game is going on in the back ground. Every year I would get so excited for the prospect of that happening. Every year I think this next year is going to be different. Well this year was. But we didn't get that expected outcome we were looking for. I was looking forward to taking her to see her daddy sit the bench, or block those six feet giants. I don't know why but to me that was like my rite of passage of a mother. It was like this is real we really have a baby she will have to go everywhere with us even to that stinky old gym to watch her dad play. That was something I looked forward to.

I haven't really faced that emotion untell this past Saturday. I don't know why it seems like you feel like you are getting somewhere in that journey of grief. You are getting closer to being able to function properly again and then something like that out of the blue just hits you and knocks you back down to that point again. It is just part of the process but it sure does stink. You never know when or what is going to set it off and it seems like it is always at the most random of times.

But sitting in that gym watching that game it just hit me. We didn't have our baby. She should have been there. This year should have been the year that we walked into that gym with our baby at hand. I should have been holding her I should have had to take care of her stuff, I should have had her diaper bag next to me. The one we searched for and finally after much searching found the perfect one. I don't know I can't explain it but the grief just flooded over me again.

I made it through the game and the dinner with the team afterwords. I even made it through that quick stroll through wal-mart passing by babies and pregnant women. But when we got in the car on the way home I couldn't hold it any more and just started to sob. I hate that kind of crying the one were you can't catch your breath. I don't cry pretty so I was glad it was night time and Daniel didn't have to see it. But why it hit me so hard. Why did I have to have those thoughts? Why is this still so hard? I don't know it just feels like we get to a point were we can talk about her and laugh and enjoy the good times and then something happens and it all gets put into perspective again. We lost our baby. The one we had prayed for and waited for for years. The one that was going to follow her Daddy around and go shopping with me. She is no longer with us. It felt like that morning all over again. The one were we found out she was gone. It always feels like that morning. But why did a basketball game bring all that out again?

I am sure I will never understand this grief process. It just seems so hard at times. But then I got to thinking about what I had been studying. I got to thinking about the story of Lazarus' death. The story where we see his family grieving and begging for Jesus to come. They knew if he could just be there Lazarus would still be alive. Then when Jesus finally does get there and he finds out that Lazarus is gone we see him feel that feeling. We see Jesus weep. He was feeling that lose. At that moment he was feeling how I feel. He lost his friend and he was mourning. He knows how it feels to lose that special person in your life. He knows.

Of course after we see him mourn we also see him get up from that and go and call Lazarus out of the tomb. But to me the most impressive thing about that story wasn't that fact that he did that miracle. I mean sure that is impressive and I love a good story were God saves the day because He always does and He always will save the day. But to me the most impressive part at this time in my life is the fact that he grieved. He cried just like I do on a daily basis sometimes. He knows that feeling where your heart had been broken so badly you don't think you will ever regain it. HE KNOWS!!

It might not mean anything to anyone else but to know that He has felt that way. He understands all the emotions I went through that night. He understand the feeling of grief. It just makes it even more real to me that he dose understand and He does know because he has been there. It just gives me the strength to dust myself off and get back into that game. It isn't easy and it will never go away but the fact that I have him guarding me and protecting me, it at least helps me to sleep and rest in the fact that He has me and that is all I need to know.

Oh yeah and if you were wondering, the guys did win there game Saturday night. By one point. It was a good one and I did watch more than what some might think. But I can go back in there next game and know that no matter what I see that gym to be God will be with me to walk through the doors and help me get past all those tears that might still need to be shed. He is going to be there right next to me always and that is what I need.

My Husband...My Friend

Why do people feel like they need to be mean to each other even over stuff that isn't any ones fault? I can't imagine blaming my husband for something he didn't do. But that question is a haunting one that has been circling in my head since I heard it spoke to him.Do we blame each other for what has happened? No!! Should we did I miss something? I feel like God has given us a strong marriage so that in times like these we can become even closer and stronger. How would that help this situation if I storm off blaming him for what has happened? I just don't understand. Sometimes I feel like people just don't get it. God gave me this man, this marriage for a reason and I must respect him and God enough to do my absolute best to keep them both happy. Like Mom always say's "if you don't take care of what God gave you how can you expect more from Him"

Daniel has shown his true love in ways that I never thought I would have seen. I wish i wouldn't have ever had to see him in that kind of situation but he is so strong. He stayed by my side through it all. He was able to do things neither of us figured he would just because he didn't want to leave me. It just makes me think, if he was willing and able to do that for me what more can God do for us?

He is just like Daniel is. By my side no matter what. We might have bad days. I might get angry and just want to throw stuff but God is there and knows that pain too. He is going through this with us. He is walking us through this storm. He didn't just leave us when we needed Him the most He was and is always going to be there. It is sad that it takes situations like this to make people see the true love that they have right in front of them. The love that more often than not has been pushed aside for unknown or even selfish reasons. The love God has for us. He knew this was part of the plan from the beginning. But with careful consideration, deliberation and thought as to how this was going to effect all involved He decided to go ahead with the plan because He knows the bigger out come. If something great can come out of something like this than you can't help but know that God was behind it. That God's plans they are always bigger and better than any of ours.

My husband is wonderful and continues to this day in supporting me and helping me through this time.

He doesn't expect me to be over it he doesn't get mad when I talk about her. He is there with me and is along for the grief ride as well. We all grieve differently and I have come to realize what I might be doing today he might be doing tomorrow so we need to be there for each other always and not break each other down for not just getting over it.

She was as much a part of me as she was him, I think more of him really. She had his red hair and all that entails with that. The attitude and the looks of her father but she had my hands and big feet. Poor girl she had moms feet:) But to know that every morning I get up he is going to be there and not cut me down or make me feel like I am crazy for still missing my baby. He still misses her too and will always.

For him I just want him to know that what he has done these past few months for us is truly special. I will never forget the moments, even the most painful because he was there holding my hand every step of the way. He is not only my husband but my best friend and for that I am truly thankful.

Superheros?

Disney Pixar "Every Superhero has a secret identity. I don’t know a single one who doesn’t. Who wants the pressure of being 'Super' all the time?"

I stumbled upon this quote while checking the social network on Facebook. Amazing how you just find things sometime right? I am sure I didn't just find it God placed it in my path but read the quote really read it. That isn't true at all. Maybe in cartoons or on TV it is but guess what, I know a superhero that doesn't have a secret identity. He is what we see all the time. He is truly Super. He is the one that established the phrase superhero and He is the very first one, and will be the very last one.

My God is a superhero. He isn't a character that we see play one way and then turn around and do something different. He has no weakness, which all superheros have. He is everything!! He is what superheros strive to be. He is our God and He is the one that is going to get us through. He is the one that has given us the strength to continue on with life. He is the one that has given us moments of laughter along with the moments of tears. He is the one that has been here by our side through it all and will not get mad at us or leave. He doesn't have to get back to life and forget what has happened. He has our Addy in His arms and He has us too. WOW, He is not only my superhero but also my Father.

He died for me and He rose for me. In His most troubled time he wasn't thinking of himself, or the pain He was enduring He was thinking of us. I know there is never going to be a superhero greater or that can rise to the challenge of the ultimate Hero. God is My Superhero, and He is holding My Addy right now:)

Stupid Questions

Why do people feel the need to talk even when they don't have anything to say? I understand that people are shocked and don't know what to say when they find out what happened with us. I would be too but to hear some of the things that have came out of peoples mouths lately just makes me wonder do people really find the need to talk to cover up there true feelings?

The other day I had to call to get home owners insurance. Sure we needed it and I have been putting it off so I finally fit it into my busy schedule, and did it. (My schedule isn't that busy I just don't like dealing with that kind of stuff so I procrastinate for those that don't know me that well.) I get on the phone and talk to the secretary no big deal. She asks me what seems like a million questions to those I don't really know the answers to so I just make stuff up. So when i get off the phone with her I called Daniel to check my accuracy in the information I had given. Yeap, sure enough I was wrong on some of it. So I had to call her back and inform her of my lack of knowing what I was talking about.

So on my way to Wal-mart I got a call back from our actual insurance guy. We got to talking about the house and all. He was checking our credit all our personal information up on his computer screen he asks about our jobs. I tell him what Daniel does and then he asked about me. I guess since I haven't really had to tell much people about it I just haven't had to deal with this but I told him I was a house wife now and left it at that. He then proceeded to ask more personal questions just for subject of conversation I guess. He asked that dreaded question how many kids we had. I guess since I am staying at home we must have kids right? Being caught off guard and really paying attention to the road more then the conversation I told just told him. We just had our first daughter and she passed away. I guess since it was the way it came out he replied "well it isn't that big of deal you are young you can always have more."

Silence, did he really just say that to me? To Me, a grieving mother who's daughter is no longer in her arms. To me, a mother who just that morning laid in bed holding tightly to a pound puppy since she has nothing else to hold. TO ME Really... I didn't know what to do or what to say. That moment of silence was so long it felt like an eternity, what do i say? So I say the first thing that come to my mind. Well with Gods help we are dealing with it but losing a child is a very hard thing to deal with. That said the conversation moved on.

I guess it isn't a big deal to other people but to me and my family this is a huge loss. Nothing that can be repaired without the help from the one and only Healer. It just led me to think about why do people feel like they need to say something. An I am sorry to hear that would have surficed. Why do they feel the need to try to make it less of what it is, or make it seem like no big deal. Well you can always have another one. I want another one don't get me wrong but I want her to be here as well.

Which thinking about this brought another situation on hand that happened to Daniel. Not long after he went back to work, which was so hard for him. He had been proud of his daughter and made sure everyone knew she was coming.

A customer called and was talking to him. He had found out what had happened and as the subject turned to that he told my grieving husband this bite of wisdom, which by the way if you are a man and know someone in this position don't say this to them unless you want a nose job. He told him "I guess you just weren't cut out to be a father." Really not cut out. Hello he IS a father. Just because she isn't here with us doesn't mean he isn't her Daddy. She was part him and part me of course he is a father. She looked just like a cute girl version of her father I have news for that guy he is a father.

I guess amongst all this ranting my point is this. If you know someone that is hurting don't try to make them feel better by thinking of something that could be, or might be. It doesn't help. Just tell them that you are sorry, you feel for them or you can relate, if you can, and leave it at that. Actions speak louder than words and if you show them through other things that you truly care those are going to be the things they remember the most anyways. Unless you say something stupid and then they might just remember that stupid question or statement every time they see you.

In all just do what Christ tells us to and love one another. Don't think we have to to talk when sometimes we don't. God will give you the wisdom on what to say when the time is right but to do it blindly i don't suggest it.

Addy's Mii

So it snowed, all day and all night. Needless to say we have a few inches and where stuck at home with no plans and nothing to do. Lucky for us I had made that trip to the movie store, and had asked for that Wii game for my birthday. We have had a good day of being lazy neither one of use even got dressed, besides going outside to play four about five minuets. It was nice. We can't help but miss our little Addison on days like this. To have seen her tiny reaction to the snow it would have been so much fun. She would have loved being our little snow bunny. Jumping around in it chasing Kolby, who by the way loves to go outside and run it...for about a minuet. Then he is ready to come back in. It isn't as fun to have this much snow and not be able to share it with our little girl. I had always dreamed that we would be able to dress her up in a little snow bunny suit.

It is funny to think of what life would have been like if she were here with us right now. She would probably be watching dad play Wii while mom cooked dinner. Probably oblivious to any change just know that it is unusual for her to see her Daddy this much but be happy he could be here with her, she is her daddy's girl:) Or at least we would be happy she was here safe with us.

On some of our Wii adventures Daniel decided he wanted to make a Addy Mii. For anyone not familiar with the Wii system you can make somewhat likeness of yourself and people who play with you and use them to play all sorts of games. It is fun and funny sometimes to see what people think of your looks when they are putting your Mii together for you, as was the case with mine. It is a good way to be thinner, younger and have styling cool hairstyles, since surprise, there aren't any for the curly Q's in the world like Addy and I. So Daniel created Addy. She is cute has pigtails, red as we can get, lots of freckles and the same nose that her dad's Mii has. Like in real life as similar to her father as she could have been. It was pretty cute if I do say so. It wasn't the fact that we don't have her now i know if she was here she would have had one so to make her a part of everything we do it seems fitting to make her a Mii. But it was hard to see.

He made sure she had the same outfit as him and I and made sure no one else looked like us just so you could see we were a family. It was hard to see that little Mii family mingling around. It should be like that in real life. She should be here and we should be able to hang out just like on days like today. It makes it all to apparent that we are missing someone and it makes moments like this hard. When Daniel exclaimed with pride that he had created Addy I just started to cry. Although we all know he didn't really create her God did I just couldn't help but think how true to reality that was. She was a part of us, is a part of us. God created her for us and made her a part of us. She is a wonderful gift that no one could ever take away from us. She might not be here in person but in spirit she is always with us. We will always do things and be aware of her not being here but we will continue to add her to all we do.

As he started to play the flight game the computer automatically places a passenger with you. Guess who is in the back seat of Daniels plane? He is flying his little Addy:) It was hard to sit there for me and watch that. She was looking around the world and just exploring with her daddy. Just how I always imagined it would be. Even if it is on a game for that short time she was with us again. I know that wasn't a happen chance. I believe with all my heart God placed that little Addy Mii in that plane for a reason. So we could enjoy her and let her be with us in spirit that day. It made it more like it should be even if just for a few minuets.

We didn't get to go put her headstone on the grave that day. It was too snowy, so it is still in my car. But I think God gave us that moment, the moment when she was with us again, so that we can get ready for hard times like that. He gives us a peace that can only come from Him and for that I am grateful. So if you ever play the Wii with us and discover there is a little person in our line up you will know it is our Addy and she is always with us even if we are just sitting around playing games. She is still the basis to all our decisions and will continue to be a part of our life forever.