The Fall

So this is going to be a hard one for me to write. It is so sensitive and humbling all at the same time.  I just can't believe it happened and I can't believe I am going to share it. But here we go anyways.  Daniel and I went to the city last weekend for Valentines and to just get away.  Well I didn't tell the whole Valentines story because it is kind of sad, for me at least, funny for everyone else.

We left the house after Daniel got off work Saturday and took Kolby to the dog sitter.  We have a great dog sitter so it dons't seem so hard to leave him which is nice.  We are on our way to the city.  We get there I am impressed we didn't have to stop one time I am getting better at this traveling thing without stoping again. I am excited.  We head to some stores because I want to get an outfit for that night for dinner.  No luck anywere. The stores and mall is packed I wasn't think about last minuet V-day shoppers but they were out in groves that day.  So after trying on some stuff but not loving any of it we left and headed to the room to check in and get ready for dinner. 

We get checked in and to our room.  As we close the door behind us Daniel see that there is an extra peep hole lower than the orginial one. He kind of chuckles and says there is a peep hole for midgets.  That just made me laugh because as he was saying it he was looking through it as well.  I didn't think any more about it untell i turned on the light to the bathroom.  We had no bathtub.  Just a shower. I don't know why I was so suprised by it but it just caught me off guard.  We got a handicaped room.  Don't get me wrong I don't think there was anything wrong with it I just couldn't figure out why we were put in this room there might have been someone that needed it more and we were taking the space. As i pulled out the confermation i realize i booked a accessable room.  For some reason everyone I tell this too thinks it is so funny. I wasn't looking at that when i booked it just that we could get  a king bed so i guess moral of that story look four times before you book. I always check it out a million times before i book but this time i guess I just wan't paying attention. 

We get a few laughs at my expense and then get ready and head to dinner. We had a nice time my brother had flown out and it was just nice to be with family and people that just get me. Although they make fun of me a lot they get my humor and my motives and I don't have to be something I am not when I am around them.  After dinner we head to the room and go to bed. It was OK.I never sleep good in strange places on hard beds but we did OK. The next morning we woke took showers and got engulfed in a HBO movie and couldn't pull ourselves away until it was over.  After that we loaded up and headed to go see his friend Brad who lives down there. We hung out went to a late breakfast and then went shopping.  As we headed to JCPenny's I told them they could drop me off and go to best buy next door so without hesitation they did.  I had that same luck there as all the stores before, nothing cute or my size was available so i gave up.  As Daniel texts me to come pick me up i come face to face with this little girl.  She had dark read hair with big curls. She was probably 4 or 5 but her hair just took my breath away it was so similar to Addison's.  As I saw that I was defiantly ready to leave then. As i head out the door I see my car pull up to the curve and stop for me to get in. 

Here is were the story takes a turn.  For those of you who are faint and can't handle scary things you might want to skip this part:) I might be being a bit over dramatic but I don't think so.  So here is the car waiting for me.  I head to it and as i reach for the door knob all I can think is please get me out of here before I burst into tears.  I can't handle this right know. I reach for the handle and at that point something happens. I am totally unaware of what happened but all I know is the next second I am on the ground rolling behind my car.  Literally I feel off the curb and rolled down back behind the car. It took me a second to regain myself make sure that just happened as strangers and my husband rush to my side.  I took a good roll contents of my purse and body strewn about on the sidewalk.  As these people help me up and get all my stuff to me it is all i can do to keep from crying.  I finally get all my belongings back together and am headed to the car door which Daniel has so graciously opened for me when this stranger calls to me.  He comes over to me and holds his hand out. He says " You dropped this do you want it?" In his hand was a smashed half melted Hersey's kiss that had fallen out of my purse.  Do I want that? I know I am a fat girl but please I don't need my chocolate that bad that after I rolled on it on the city sidewalk I want to keep it and eat it.  I politely tell him no but thank you get in the car and we take off.

We are not even out of the parking lot and tears stream down my face.  I was mortified. I don't really know what upseated me the most the fall, the humiliation or the fact that this guy is trying to feed me chocolate. I am sure in his mind he thought it was a nice gesture i might just need it after something like that. But to me it was more than that.  It was a painful reminder that I still carry this weight not only the physical but the emotional weight of lossing our little girl everywere I go.  It was crushing to me at that point.

The longer I have thought about this the more it occurs to me that my life is so much like that fall.  We have had a bad fall one that we weren't prepared for, and one that we wish would have never happened. We have had alot of people help pick us up along the way.  We are back on our feet and trying to get through the rest of life as we are.  We have yet to drive away from that curb though. One of these days we will be ready to leave this season, this moment in our life behind. We will be able to move on and drive away from the curb. Not leaving her behind or even the memory's we have of her but being able to get on with life and not keep clinging to that curb. I know God is waiting on me to get to the point were we can tell Him we are ready for Him to drive us on to the rest of our lives.  He is at the wheel waiting I am just not ready to pull away from it yet.

Someday I will be and at that point I am sure God is going to make it a good drive. We are going to get to do and see good things happen. We are going to be able to trust in Him with a new faith and insight.  We will get to move forward and with God at the wheel I can't think of any better driver than that.  On that day when we both are ready to pull away from that curb God will be at our sides and will know where we are going and what we are going to do. Untell then we just have to rely on Him and know he has good plans and good days ahead.