Basketball Games

Every year the church has a Men's league basketball team. My husband, although against his will, always ends up playing. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the fact that he is involved, just basketball isn't his strongest game. With his short frame and all he is always the littlest guy out there and always picks the biggest guys to block, when he gets to play. But anyways this has been a tradition every since we moved to Woodward almost 5 years ago to date. I have always enjoyed watching him go out there and give it his best.

I don't know why but every year at basketball games I see parents with there newborns or there baby's there and I have always thought that the next year that would be us. Every year sitting at the games watching the parents and kids, I tend to do that more than the game, interact it was just something about that, that I was looking forward to doing.

Like I said it isn't our best sport and gets a little boring to watch our men get stomped every week, so I start to people watch when i get bored. Anyways, so every year for five years now I have thought this year was going to be the year. That the next year when we steep in that gym for the first game I will be able to have our baby in his or her carrier and have something to take care of and watch while the game is going on in the back ground. Every year I would get so excited for the prospect of that happening. Every year I think this next year is going to be different. Well this year was. But we didn't get that expected outcome we were looking for. I was looking forward to taking her to see her daddy sit the bench, or block those six feet giants. I don't know why but to me that was like my rite of passage of a mother. It was like this is real we really have a baby she will have to go everywhere with us even to that stinky old gym to watch her dad play. That was something I looked forward to.

I haven't really faced that emotion untell this past Saturday. I don't know why it seems like you feel like you are getting somewhere in that journey of grief. You are getting closer to being able to function properly again and then something like that out of the blue just hits you and knocks you back down to that point again. It is just part of the process but it sure does stink. You never know when or what is going to set it off and it seems like it is always at the most random of times.

But sitting in that gym watching that game it just hit me. We didn't have our baby. She should have been there. This year should have been the year that we walked into that gym with our baby at hand. I should have been holding her I should have had to take care of her stuff, I should have had her diaper bag next to me. The one we searched for and finally after much searching found the perfect one. I don't know I can't explain it but the grief just flooded over me again.

I made it through the game and the dinner with the team afterwords. I even made it through that quick stroll through wal-mart passing by babies and pregnant women. But when we got in the car on the way home I couldn't hold it any more and just started to sob. I hate that kind of crying the one were you can't catch your breath. I don't cry pretty so I was glad it was night time and Daniel didn't have to see it. But why it hit me so hard. Why did I have to have those thoughts? Why is this still so hard? I don't know it just feels like we get to a point were we can talk about her and laugh and enjoy the good times and then something happens and it all gets put into perspective again. We lost our baby. The one we had prayed for and waited for for years. The one that was going to follow her Daddy around and go shopping with me. She is no longer with us. It felt like that morning all over again. The one were we found out she was gone. It always feels like that morning. But why did a basketball game bring all that out again?

I am sure I will never understand this grief process. It just seems so hard at times. But then I got to thinking about what I had been studying. I got to thinking about the story of Lazarus' death. The story where we see his family grieving and begging for Jesus to come. They knew if he could just be there Lazarus would still be alive. Then when Jesus finally does get there and he finds out that Lazarus is gone we see him feel that feeling. We see Jesus weep. He was feeling that lose. At that moment he was feeling how I feel. He lost his friend and he was mourning. He knows how it feels to lose that special person in your life. He knows.

Of course after we see him mourn we also see him get up from that and go and call Lazarus out of the tomb. But to me the most impressive thing about that story wasn't that fact that he did that miracle. I mean sure that is impressive and I love a good story were God saves the day because He always does and He always will save the day. But to me the most impressive part at this time in my life is the fact that he grieved. He cried just like I do on a daily basis sometimes. He knows that feeling where your heart had been broken so badly you don't think you will ever regain it. HE KNOWS!!

It might not mean anything to anyone else but to know that He has felt that way. He understands all the emotions I went through that night. He understand the feeling of grief. It just makes it even more real to me that he dose understand and He does know because he has been there. It just gives me the strength to dust myself off and get back into that game. It isn't easy and it will never go away but the fact that I have him guarding me and protecting me, it at least helps me to sleep and rest in the fact that He has me and that is all I need to know.

Oh yeah and if you were wondering, the guys did win there game Saturday night. By one point. It was a good one and I did watch more than what some might think. But I can go back in there next game and know that no matter what I see that gym to be God will be with me to walk through the doors and help me get past all those tears that might still need to be shed. He is going to be there right next to me always and that is what I need.