Hard Days

This weekend has been a whirlwind of events and emotions. Not sure what to think or how to act until I step back and analyze it all.  It just has been hard.  I never even saw it coming. Didn't even think about the effects of our Addy's first Valentines until it was here hitting me in the face.  I don't know why I wasn't even thinking about it.  That is one holiday that Daniel and I both never really got into. Funny how the one day set aside to show each other you love them we don't even celebrate it.  We figure we do that everyday so why make one day more special than the rest.  I now understand. I am sure it is because of my daughter that I have these strong feelings but our theory was blown right out of the water this weekend.  Yeah we do try to show love to each other everyday but we need to celebrate while we can because we never know what is going to happen and we might not get another chance to show that person how we feel.

We went to the city so we were away and it was nice. As we scrambled to find something to do Sunday evening it hit me.  This was Addy's first Valentines. We should have been toting her around. We should have been at the picture place taking cute pictures all decked out in her Valentines outfit.  We should have been....There are a lot of things that should has taken place that didn't.  Instead we went to the movies without her.  It was ok i broke down a few time during the movie not because it was sad but because it hurt not having her here. But then toward the end of the movie a lady sitting down in the front row had her child in her arms screaming.  That baby was hungry or mad or something just crying away and instead of taking the child out she just let it scream. Of course being a grieving mother this was about all i could handle.  It didn't matter what was happening on the movie screen that sound was the only thing my mind and my ears and every ounce of my concentration was on.  It was there that it hit me.  This was the day set aside to show people we love them and our love wasn't there.  It was all i could do to hold it in.  Finally that mother got up and the noise stopped i could get back to the movie. But i never really got back into it. My thoughts and hurts were all racing and it hurt again like the first time.

After the movie trying to salvage what little bit of time we had to make that day a little more special we decided to go to dinner.  We went to Taco Bell:) I like it we don't have one where we live so it is a treat to get to go. The mood light might not have been set right but there were very few people in there, in fact all that was in there was two tables full of teens, so it was nice.  We did try to make the rest of the day special but deep down we both still just felt like sobbing for the pain we were feeling.

The next day we got out to do our shopping before we headed home.  After a few setbacks and delays we started our shopping trip and we were having a good time.  Then I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby to look at pictures for our bare wall that stares at me when i sit at the computer.  I never intended it to go the way it did. We weren't in there long when my mind went to ribbon. I was needing some more cute ribbon for some bows for the bouquet we will be placing on Addy's grave this weekend when we go to set the stone.  All i wanted was ribbon. But as we strolled along the isle we got caught in the flower section.  The dreaded flower section. It seems like every time i go in there they are always half off and being taught how to shop sales by my grandma I can't just pass them up.   But it was different this time Daniel was with me and as we searched for the perfect flowers it hit us both.  What were we doing? This isn't how this was suppose to go we would have never thought a few months ago that we would even have to face this, buying flowers for a grave for that special little girl we were so anticipating the arrival of.  It was almost all the both of us could do from breaking down in the store. As we got in the car and headed off I could feel the tears streaming down my face and as I looked over I could see them welling up in Daniels eyes. Its not often that we both go through those emotions together but it is good for me to be able to go through them with him.  I wouldn't want to be the only one who feels the pain that wouldn't be right. I know it hurts him just as bad as it does me and on days like that it is all we can do to just hold each other and get through it together.  That is what we did.

The car ride home was a good one we laughed and talked and just made the rest of the weekend what we wanted it to be in the first place. I think my mom was right though. She made the statment that sometimes when you get out of your rut or your secure places and you just slow down for a few minuets it all comes flooding back. That is so what this weekend was about. It was us getting away but when we do that we tend to focus on it more just because we have the time to. 

I don't know what God has in store for us next. I don't even know how we get through weekends, days and moments like that if it wasn't for Him we wouldn't.  But I do know that He does have a plan and has good things in that plan for us. We just need to continue to seek His will and His face and He will do like He promises and He will bring good things to those who wait on Him.