Here we are again. Finding it a hard season in our lives. Wondering if anything ever is going to turn around and be happy again. It seems like when you are down you stay down for so long sometimes it is hard to ever feel like you will ever make it up again. I understand that feeling all too well. I understand that sometimes we hurt and feel like nothing is ever going to pick up. We are destine to have miserable lives. But we aren't God doesn't want us to be miserable, He wants us to be happy and seek Him.
After struggling yesterday with such emotions and feelings I felt like today was going to be a new day a better day. Although I haven't been as weepy I still am sad and so I felt like going outside for a walk. To get a new perspective on life and just to get out of the house. Kolby will never turn down a good walk so after i searched for his "clothes", his harness and leash, and get myself all bundled up we head out. It was nice refreshing and not as cold as I imagined it to be. As we started on our way I just started praying. Praying for God to show me something that can help me with these feelings.
Along the walk I got to thinking about Daniel and I's life. How we meet, became friends, got mad because one of the friends wasn't cooperating and engaged already:) (sorry babe I had to throw that one in), and eventually became a couple and then married. It happened quickly and it was something if given the situation all over again i would do it again. But as I got to thinking about it and all those times before that, that i struggled with so many different emotions and self doubt I saw it all in a different light. I was searching for Daniel but in that I also found God and that is really the first place in my life I put Him and His will above my own. I had made decisions before that included Him but never to that extent. Never just giving it all over to him and completely letting go.
I felt a lot of times growing up especially those middle school and high school years that I was never going to amount to anything anyone would want. I had a desire to be in relationships like all my friends. Experience some of the stuff they were experiencing and I though there was something wrong with me for not ever being in that same kind of situations. But as I got older and realized that God had different plans for me, I had to start trusting in His plan and give all that up to Him. I still struggled a lot with that even into my college years. It wasn't until I meet Daniel that I realized what it was all for. Why I had to wait so long to get him. It was worth the wait and the struggle but if you would have told me that in high school I probably would have laughed in your face, ok probably not I was too polite for that but inside I would be doubting it.
Its like that again in a different way now. We are struggling with stuff that we can't control. We feel like we have lost everything. The one thing I wanted in life was a family. Although we had made the decision to wait until we were married for a few years before we started to try i never thought this road would be so long and hard. We have hit many obstacles and turns along the road and we start to wonder when is it going to be our turn? I am not ready by any means right now to have another one. Maybe in the near future we can think about it we just need to get through these days first.
As I walked though I thought of something else. I had been writing in a journal while I first started to sort through this all. I would look up verses and then write them down. I opened that journal when we got home and found a verse. This verse is one that helped me through a particularly rough time. Around the month milestone of her leaving us. Ever month those days come and some days hit me harder than others. It is never predictable one day that will be hard one month isn't a big deal the next. There is no set pattern to my grief but I try to just allow it to come when it wants to. But anyways here is the verse I had relied on in so many days of my journey and maybe it will help someone else today.
" Now may the Lord of peace Himself countinually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!!" 2 Thessalonians 3:16
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