The Blanket

What a weekend again.  Seems like we have a few good ones and then a hard one. This weekend wasn't too bad. Or at least I didn't think it was until it all hit me Sunday morning early.  We had a busy weekend and I wasn't even aware of the things that were bothering me until it all came into play that early morning.  Sunday early mornings have been hard for me.  That was the time we rushed to the hospital in hopes to hear our little Addison's heartbeat. In hopes that all would be fine, in hope.  But left with no hope and my baby being gone for good.  It just brings back all those feelings all that fear and pain I hate when i wake up thinking about it. But I did Sunday again and it all begin to make sense to me why.

Saturday we got up went to basketball tournaments for the guys. It was single elimination and I think they had given up before they started. Needless to say they lost the first game and was out. Fine by me I wasn't looking forward to spending all day at the gym on those hard benches.  We headed to eat after the game with some of our friends and then spent the rest of the day with them. It was a perfect day outside and so we went to the park and played on the playground and went and met the guys while they were at the driving range.  It was fun and i had a good time. I played Guitar Hero for the first time, and one of these days when I get good I am determined to beat you Miranda:)   As we headed home Saturday night I was feeling kind of down but figured I was just tired and needed some ice cream:) We stopped and got ice cream and headed home. Relaxed on the couch a little bit before we headed to bed.  I was totally unaware of the emotions that were adding up on me.

Then it hit 4 am Sunday morning. Kolby wakes me up and wants out. No big deal or so I think. I get up with him we head back to bed but as I lay there trying to get back to sleep I just feel this pain in my arms.  I just want to hold something.  I try to shake it off but the feeling intensifies.  I start to see all the images that had been stored up in my mind from the day before.  The diaper bag some lady had at the game that was like Addy's but a different pattern, the bow laying on the floor, the scattered little shoes,  the blanket.  It all was in my mind so vivid. I have seen these things a million times just part of being around a little girl but I guess it was all just being stored for this time. Everything was a symbol of stuff I should be a part of with my little girl but what got me the most was the blanket.

Our church lady's are very sweet and for every child born they make them a quilt with handmade patches done on them from different ladies.  These blankets are precious to have.  I dreamed of what ours was going to look like. Just the fact that they took the time to do that for these children I just had always dreamed of the day when they would be making one for us.  That time came and they were all so excited. Most of the time they don't have set patterns or anything.  The different squares just have different designs and stuff on them but ours was special.  We where going to decorate Addy's room in Hello Kitty. A thing from my childhood that I was just so excited to be able to do.  Anyways, the lady's all decided they wanted our quilt to match.  It was a grand gesture and one that they will never understand the true impact it had on me.  But as they got it together and stuff they were so excited they couldn't contain the excitement. They weren't suppose to tell me that it was going to be special but with a few slips and smiles I pretty much put the pieces together and was ecstatic that it was going to match Addy's room.

The day of our shower  arrived and to be honest I don't remember hardly any of that time but the one thing I do remember is Daniel opening that quilt.  We both nearly broke down in tears. It was beautiful.  They had made it special for our Addison and I could picture her using it for years to come. It was wonderful.  Of course none of us knew the impact it was soon going to have on our life.  That following morning was the morning. We rushed to the hospital with fear and left with very sadden hearts and in shock of what had just taken place.  When we got home all that stuff from the shower was still sitting where it had been set that following day. The first thing I saw when I walked through the door way was that blanket. It was too much I couldn't do it.  We shut the door to that room and to this day most of that stuff is still were it was that day.  Hidden away. My Mom and Dad so graciously packed it all away for me so that we didn't have to deal with it.  She helped me move it into Addy's new room and that is were it still sits to this day.  But that blanket it was left out.

My Mom and Dad were rocks for us during this time. Without them here Daniel and I would have never made it through.  Mom took charge when I had nothing to give anyone and  helped me plan the service. We decided we wanted to have that blanket be a part of it.  It just seemed fitting.  So we explained to the funeral director what we wanted and on the day of her funeral it was just like I wanted it.  That blanket draped over that little white casket it was a symbol of her but it was also our way of showing those lady's what it meant to us.

After the service I don't think I even thought of that blanket until a few days ago.  On a particularly hard day I went in Addy's room and opened her closet and found that blanket. I grabbed it and walked around the house with it in my arms for a few hours. It just was so comforting for some reason. To know it wrapped her little casket and now it was wrapping me, it just felt like I had a piece of her here with me.  After a few hours i felt silly and decided to go place it back were it had been. I didn't want Daniel to come home and see me with it and him not be ready to see it again.  So I put it back but didn't forget about it.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. As I laid in bed crying, Daniel dozing off and on through my tears but still wanting to hold me I got to thinking about that blanket. About the time it spent making it in excitement for our little one to arrive. Then about it covering her casket and then it being stored in the closet. I just couldn't help but want to get it out again.  As I lay there in Daniel's arm's i finally decide I wanted it to be with us in my arms.  After finally settling down I told him I wanted her blanket.  He didn't know where it was but offered to go get it for me. Not wanting to hinder any more of his sleep than I already had I told him I would go get it. As i walked into her room and reached for that blanket a comfort came over me. I climbed in bed and just embraced that blanket, it was so soft and warm it was like I was holding her again once more.  Shortly after I went to get that blanket I feel asleep. 

I have come to the conclusion that it is a special thing. One of the only possession I have that was truly, uniquely Addy's.  All the clothes, decorations and other stuff can be used later if we have another little girl but this, this was hers. It was made for her and it was a part of everything we did for her. This blanket is Addy's and wouldn't be anyone else.  I think that is what I find comfort in it the most knowing it is hers and I can hold it and feel close to her. She might have never touched it or reached for it but it was made for her and it symbolizes her more than anything else in this world and if i can hold it for now than that is what I am going to do.

I know God has placed each one of those lady's that made that blanket in our lives for a reason. They have all been very helpful and supportive through this journey and the fact that their hands made something that would be so close to my heart makes them even more special to me.  One day I will be able to put that blanket up maybe on the wall in our nursery or something but for now it will contniue to be next to me in bed so I can feel close to her and sleep with her in my arms for a short time.