The Mommy

It is such a pretty day outside, besides the wind which by now I should be use to.  Kolby and I decided we would go for a walk. I like that time of day were him and I can just go outside and roam around I love the fact that I have the time and able to do that.  So as we headed out today it was nice. I had my earphones in and the wind at our backs we were just rocking along.  It is always a sign that Kolby is tired when he starts to lag behind. He normally is pulling and as far in front as I will let him get. Today though he was lagging as we headed our way back to the house. He got in the shade of a tree at one point and just sat there for a minuet before I pulled him along. I am such a mean dog mother:)  But as we got closer to the house something happened. As I said I had my earphones in rocking out to some worship music when all of a sudden Kolby pulls the leash out of my hand and starts barking meanly.  It is funny they say baby's have diffrent crys and the mother can tell what the baby wants from the sound of the cry.  I don't have that experiance to say if it is true or not but I do know that Beagles have distinct barks and this was Kolbys big man complex bark.

As i looked up to see what he was barking at after I maintained control of the leash once again, I saw why he was barking.  He was face to face with a baby calf.  The calf was fenced in but Kolby was probably three feet from that calf's head.  When he started to bark that calf didn't like it and backed up. He keep his stare on Kolby though which was pretty amazing to me. Instead of turning around and running he backed up but was staring like he was sizing the little dog yapping at him up.  It was funny to me.  But then out of the corner of my eye I see it.  The mommy of this calf came charging toward the fence with deep fear in her eyes. She got in between Kolby and her baby and just stood there. She wasn't going to let anything get in between her and that baby at that moment. She was standing up for that calf and was going to let Kolby know not to mess with her baby in about two seconds.  As I pull on the leash trying to get him to come along and leave these two alone I just start to bawl.

Why does a cow make me cry?  As we headed into the house and I wiped the tears from my face I looked out that window and that mommy and calf were still in stunned position for a few more minutes before they moved on.  I don't know what got over my why did I cry over that. A silly incident with a cow and a dog? I must be losing it here I know I have been border line but this is insane.  Then I start to calm down and I realize why it struck me so suddenly and hard.  That Mom was defending her baby.  That baby was scarred, I will never get to do that. I will never get to defend my little girl when someone scares her so much she backs up to let me move in. I will never get to move in and step up for Addy.

In some ways this makes me happy the longer I think about it. I mean she will never have to be picked on, called names or face the fear that comes along with growing up.  But i understand why it hit me so hard. I still miss her. More than I might put on more than might show deep down I still am scared to death about what happened and I just miss her.  I miss all the little everyday things that make being a mom so wonderful. Even those things that we fight over like changing a diaper, I miss that.  A year ago we just found out we were pregnant and our whole lives were starting to change.  I don't think if you would have told me all this a year earlier I would have gotten it. I wouldn't have realized that all the times that were so special with her were all we where going to have.

I don't know why something as simple as a walk can provoke such pain in my heart. I know eventually it will get easier. I will be able to walk and come across situations and be able to handle it without bawling at everything. But untell then I guess i need to just invest in the Kleenex company and continue to give my heart to God.  I don't have anyother option but to just keep moving forward. No matter how hard it is I can't stand still becasue if I do I will be the crazy lady forever.