Oklahoma weather, must I say it again, makes no sense at all. I have been working on moving rock out of our front yard so that I can plant Addy's roses I bought to put under her window. That was my plan for this week so far i worked one day out there in the frigged wind and was going to work out there again and looked out the window and it is snowing!! What a mess a few days ago it was in the 60 and sunny now snow. Crazy stuff.
As I got ready to go out i decided I should wear my old tennis shoes. I bought a few pairs at Christmas when we were in California and I love them. But i didn't want them to get dirty so i decided on the old ones. As I dug them out of the closet I got to thinking about them. They are stained with paint and have several battle scares from the few years I have had them. I remember buying them. I got them for our first trip to Dinsyeland a few summers ago and they have been my trusty pair of shoes every since, until this winter that is. But as I pulled them out i couldn't help but see the tiny spot of paint splattered across them and then it all hit me. That spot had come when we were working on the house. Every night after work Daniel, Kolby and I would come over here and work fervently trying to get it done in time for our baby girls arrival.
That spot of paint happened one of those nights. I decided instead of replacing some of the cabinets in the master bathroom we were just going to paint them to match the rest of the cabinets in the house. They are in the master bath so it really didn't matter what they ended up like as long as they were decent, so it became my job to paint them. I spent a few weeks of nights working on those cabinets, sitting on the floor painting the doors. It was so vivid but not as vivid as how that spot came about.
It was one of those nights that I was sitting on the floor that it happened. I was done with one of the doors and being fat and pregnant i couldn't move very well. As i stretched and reached to get that wet cabinet door to rest on its side against the wall i accidentally brushed up against the brush with my foot. The brush went flying and paint spattered off its bristles. The paint landed on the top of my shoe. That was the first spot I had gotten on these since i bought them. Of course they were dirty but not so bad but now they were marked with white paint.
No big deal right? Wrong as I pulled the shoes out and was reminded of that time I was reminded at why my foot brushed up against that brush. At the very moment i was reaching and stretching my daughter kicked me and it made my foot jump. It was her fault:) Maybe not but I can remember that feeling and I missed it all of a sudden.
I missed not having her here inside of me where she was safe. I missed not having her here in my arms where I could hold her and take care of her. I just missed her, all over again. I know it sounds weird but I can still feel her kick sometimes. I have looked it up thinking I am losing it but it is a condition that mothers experience after they give birth they call them ghost kicks. Daniel calls it gas:)He might be right but whatever it is it isn't far. It isn't far that I have to remember that feeling and it makes me miss her so much. Why is my body fight against me?
Its funny how a pair of old worn out, stinky, (more proof that my daughter was here, I had an amazing foot stench when I was pregnant with her one that still resonates in those shoes) shoes can make the grief of losing my daughter come back to me. It will never cease to amaze me that it is in the simple things that I find her. I think that is what God is wanting me to see though. It isn't just her. In those simple things He is there too showing me her but also showing me His love for me.
I know it is hard to believe that God allows me to remember all these things. But I think it is His gift to me. When I feel like my daughter is slowly slipping away with time He is there to show me she is still here with me just like He is. Its for that reason that I thank Him everyday for allowing me to see these things. Even though it hurts and I cry, even though my heart still feels like it is in a million pices He is doing it to help me heal. To know that she will always be with me and that one day she will be with me for eternity. I can't help but thank Him for that and for the hope that is placing in me each day that one day we all will be together and be the family we were ment to be. One day those stinky shoes will have to go but today I will wear them, while I work and remember her.
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