Her Initials

Trying to get back into the rut I now know as my life is kind of hard. I had a hard morning yeasterday transitioning from being with my family to being alone again all day. It was an adjustment and one that I have every time we get back from visiting but it is worth it every time, I just prepare for it. As I am trying to get adjusted to the time difference and try to get back on schedule I am trying to think of things to keep myself occupied until I can get back into my daily activities.  Yesterday after lunch and a short nap I got up with aspirations on working on the quilt square for the blankets at church. I hadn't had much thread and so when I was home Mom and I went and picked a bunch of colors out and I was ready to get working on this one. I don't know why but it was something to do. So I started to wind the thread onto the little paper disks that hold my colors in my box.  Daniel got home and seeing that this wasn't anything he wanted to do went in and started playing his game.  I headed that way just so we could have some company with each other we have been away from each other for a week and I needed to interact with him.  So as he played and I worked we sat there talking. It was good. Something I needed more than I even knew I did. I just enjoy it when we can just being talk. With no one around nothing really going on just us talking about what is on our minds.  As we got to talking he suggested something that I thought was very special.

I knew while I was gone he was going to have to face our loss alone. I wasn't here for him to put his attention on and so he had to work on himself. I knew it was going to be hard and did all i could do keep it from being to hard on him. In the long run I think it was good for him to face it a little he needs the same release I do so if it meant him having to face it alone than that is what God was going to do. I know the whole time I was gone I keep praying for him to be able to handle it and he did a good job at it but was glad to see me home.  Anyways in our talking he asked me if I could do something for him.  He wanted me to stitch our little girls initials on all his hats.  This might not seem like a big thing to anyone but me but it was all I could do to keep from crying.  He has desperately been trying to find a way that he could physically carry her everyday and this was it.  He wanted to wear her special name on his hat.  It amazes me everyday what a fathers love looks like.  It comes in all forms but is all the same just simple and beautiful. He is willing to do that for her it just made my heart cry but smile all at the same time.

I will admit I am not very good at it.  But as I started to stitch those purple little letters on his first hat it all hit me. He was going to be proudly showing the world our daughter. Just like if she was here and had made him something special he was going to proudly wear it no matter what because of the meaning it has behind it.  As I got finished with his work hat I started to doubt weather i could do any more or not. But with determination I set out to work on his new hat.  It might not be very perfect but that is ok.  They are there for him to have her with him.  For him to have a reminder that she was here and that we do have a daughter even though she is up in heaven she is still here with us too. 

I am hoping over the years, and many hats later I will get better at judging the distance between the A and the J but untell then my first one will always be special.  When I look at them I will be reminded of the love he has for his daughter, the love he has for his family and it will always make me think of what we have been through together.  If it wasn't for him alot of days I wouldn't have been able to function. He has been a strong support for me and I will never forget, nor will I ever make it anything less than it was. It was a true expression of his love for me and his love for his daughter and that is something I will never be able to forget.  Nor will I ever be ungrateful for it.  Without him I would have crumbled along time ago.  I would have been the crazy lady, well more so than I am:) I am just glad that God gave him to me to be able to take this journey with becasue there is no one else that would have been any better at it than him.