Thursday night we had yet another basketball game. We started to play on a different league now. So we arrive at the game way too early and had nothing to do. So we wait until some of our other member got there to go into the gym. Boy was I not ready for what was going to be behind those doors waiting for me.
As we walked in the gym is packed, not like church league people actually come to these games to cheer for there team. Anyways amongst all these people were probably 15 or so kids. Do these people not know what causes this or what? I know some of them had at least 4 in tow and maybe even more and were younger than I am. That isn't to say much in small towns that happens a lot but back to my story. So we walk in and immediately I spot this little girl. She was probably close to Addy's age and her mom is just holding her walking up and down the side aisle of the court. I knew if i had to see that much longer I wasn't going to make it. But we sat down and it wasn't until a few minuets later that it happened.
This women with this baby decided to come over next to us and stand there. She was talking to some of her friends and they just happen to have been sitting close to our spot. But as she walks back and forth in front of me it is all i could do to keep from bawling right there. I just couldn't help it. At that moment my pain of losing my daughter just sprung up out of my soul again and I didn't think I was going to make it out of that gym every again. It just hurt too bad.
Well as the game draws to a close, which I am looking forward too because I know that all these baby's and moms would be leaving, another baby enters my sight. This lady is carting around a little butterball boy and she comes and sits right in front of me besides one of her friends. Did we sit in grand central station or what? As they start to talk I can't help but over hear the conversation. This is her nephew that is only 4 months old. 4 months that would make him close to Addy's age. Why did my mind and ears have to hear that? Now there are two baby's within feet of me that are close to the age of my daughter. Why then do these people get to hold there baby's and not me? I was so frustrated and sad all at once. That pain in my arms start to intensify and I wasn't sure I was going to make it. As the game draws to a close and the team comes off the court I know Daniel is now going to have to go out there and I wasn't sure I could be left here on this bench amongst all that by myself, i wasn't sure what I would do.
So i just put my head in my hands and pray. I prayed that God would give me the strength to get through the next few minuets without breaking down right there in front of everyone. I just wanted Him to come put His arms around me at that moment and be with me. As I started to feel His arms embrace me I looked up, only to see the face of another little girl staring literally at me right into my face. She probably thought I was crazy this lady looks like she is going to lose it,. I am sure is what went through her mind. I didn't understand so I did the only thing I knew what to do at that moment stare back.
I know it isn't polite to stare but she started it and I didn't have the strength to ignore it at that moment. Eventually after a few second it got uncomfortable enough for her that she moved on but at that moment I felt like I was going to explode. I would like to say I went out to the car and cried but I didn't, even thought that is what i wanted to. I just grabbed the closest thing to me, which was my purse held it tightly for a few minuets and moved on to watch the game hoping it would get my mind off of what was going on around me in the stands.
I don't know why these moments happen or why I react the way I do. I probably should have went to the car at the first sight of the baby but I just couldn't do it without having to answer questions from people and having Daniel have to face it all as well. I didn't have the strength to answer all those questions that might come. As the game draws to a close it is over and I can finally release the tension that has built up inside me all night. We get to the car and its still. I am not overwhelmed with the emotions anymore I didn't just start weeping like I figured I would it was just quite and peaceful. It was at that moment I felt God holding me. He held me through all that had happened that night and he was still holding me when it was all over. It is hard to describe but the peace that I felt was only a thing God could have placed in my path. It was Him, He heard my prayers and He answered them in a mighty way. I was just expecting to be able to get through the game and then fall apart but He far exceeded my expectations.
Isn't that what He does though? When we call on Him He answers but His answer is normall more than what we expect. It might not be what we want but it is what is best for us. I don't think I will soon forget that feeling of peace that I felt that night. It helped me through yet another round in this gried game. I am so glad I have Him to hold me. Without that there is no way I could get through this, through those moments. It is Our God that is getting us through without Him I would be a mess.
No comments:
Post a Comment