Her Guitar

Its hot. Not to say I am not enjoying a little warmer weather but when did we skip spring and go straight to summer? I don't like that part at all. I have been in this house all day with the windows open and the door cracked. Daniel comes home and thinks it is sweltering in here and want to close it all off. Needless to say I reasoned with him and he is going to endure it for a few more hours until the sun goes down then it will be wonderful.  Not much going on today which is good I need days like today to just kind of catch my breath and plan my next steps.

As Kolby and I went for a walk I got to listening to my i pod and the music behind the words. Call me crazy but sometimes I like to focus just on the music and let the lyrics slide into the background. Normally I do this when I am really tired and I am on an airplane or something wanting to sleep but today I was just relaxed and walking and caught myself doing it.  As i listened to the sound of all the instruments playing together I got to thinking.  You know I haven't picked up my guitar since Addy and I played.  In fact the last time it was played, actually played, was at her funeral when her Aunt Allie picked it up. I might have picked it up once or twice to move it to vacuum or to play around but never to actually keep learning. 

Last year at the begging of the year I had big plans. I was going to learn how to play it so we could play it with the kids in our childrens church. We were making big plans all hinging on me learning to play not to mention Allie worked at the guitar store and got me a good deal on it.  Anyways as I started to learn things happened, mainly I got pregnant. I got to be pretty comfortable with the three cords I knew but came to a stand still when I couldn't play any more due to the kicking baby inside of me.  She loved that thing. She got so excited at any music but especially when I picked that guitar up.  She loved to kick at it while I strummed she loved music in general. 

So as i walked I got to thinking about it. Why hadn't I started to work at it again? I know 4 months ago it was too hard. That was the instrument that me and my daughter played together. It was the instrument my sister, her aunt, used to play a rather pop but very Addy version of Amazing Grace at her service. It held so many memories it was painful to even want to see it let alone touch it and play the strings again.  But the more I thought about my guitar the more I got the nerve to pick it up again and try once more for my baby girl.  It might not sound like a song when I play but I am playing for her. 

So every time I pick that guitar up I feel closer to my daughter. If this is another part of the healing process then bring it on.  I am ready to learn to play music you can recognize and fill this house with the sounds my daughter loved.  You know she is the lucky one.  She gets to be doing exactly what she wanted to do dancing and worshiping to the most beautiful music there is. I am so happy that she gets to know only that world because she fits in it so well. 

When I pick up my guitar it is for you Addy.  You might not think it is pretty but I know you are happy that I am moving forward with something we loved to do togehter.  Oh yeah by the way I learned 2 new chords today, now I just need to get better at them:) 

Butterfly

Today has been a eventful one to say the least. Only because Kolby and I got up deciding we were going to start the garden.  A decision I should have though fully about before I came to that conclusion. It has been so nice the last few days just like spring should be.  Last year this time we had tons of snow on the ground and ice to boot so this is much better.  As I got to shoveling and hoeing around, wait that doesn't sound good does it? I got to thinking about everything. I don't know just a lot of time to think lately. When you are home in a empty house just you and the dog all day you do have a lot of time to think. I was going to take my i pod out there with me but forgot were I placed it last night so just had to do without.  Anyways as i got to thinking the harder I shoveled. It was kind of therapeutic in a way.  I wasn't even aware at how hard I was actually working until I got a text message and stopped to look at it.

It was the husband wanting to know what was for lunch:)

As i got closer and closer to being done, my body and arms turning into jello, I got to think about Addy.  How I miss her. What she would think of her mom out here working like this. She would probably just be laughing at how weak i really am.  As I got closer to the finish out of the corner of my eye i see something floating by. I thought it was a pice of trash or something at first but as i stopped to look it was a butterfly.  Not a plan old little one it was pretty good size with big black wings.  I was so shocked by the sight I just stood there watching where it was going to land. It came closer and closer to me until it landed on my shovel handle. It was then I got to see the beauty of it close up. It wasn't just dark it had spots Purple spots!!

Whats the odds purple spots?  For those that don't know Purple had become one of my favorite colors now. It is in honor of my daughter. Her room was purple and she had alot of purple stuff, becasue at the time I didn't like pink now I wear alot of that as well.  Anyways to see this was just breathtaking. It was like God had sent me an Addy butterfly to remind me of my daughter.  Not like I need any reminders but it was just something little he chose to do for me as I worked so that I could see the beauty of his creations and think of Him and my baby girl.  He knew I needed that today, He knows I miss her more than anything and He is willing to help me through this and show me little things like that to know that He still cares.

The Mommy

It is such a pretty day outside, besides the wind which by now I should be use to.  Kolby and I decided we would go for a walk. I like that time of day were him and I can just go outside and roam around I love the fact that I have the time and able to do that.  So as we headed out today it was nice. I had my earphones in and the wind at our backs we were just rocking along.  It is always a sign that Kolby is tired when he starts to lag behind. He normally is pulling and as far in front as I will let him get. Today though he was lagging as we headed our way back to the house. He got in the shade of a tree at one point and just sat there for a minuet before I pulled him along. I am such a mean dog mother:)  But as we got closer to the house something happened. As I said I had my earphones in rocking out to some worship music when all of a sudden Kolby pulls the leash out of my hand and starts barking meanly.  It is funny they say baby's have diffrent crys and the mother can tell what the baby wants from the sound of the cry.  I don't have that experiance to say if it is true or not but I do know that Beagles have distinct barks and this was Kolbys big man complex bark.

As i looked up to see what he was barking at after I maintained control of the leash once again, I saw why he was barking.  He was face to face with a baby calf.  The calf was fenced in but Kolby was probably three feet from that calf's head.  When he started to bark that calf didn't like it and backed up. He keep his stare on Kolby though which was pretty amazing to me. Instead of turning around and running he backed up but was staring like he was sizing the little dog yapping at him up.  It was funny to me.  But then out of the corner of my eye I see it.  The mommy of this calf came charging toward the fence with deep fear in her eyes. She got in between Kolby and her baby and just stood there. She wasn't going to let anything get in between her and that baby at that moment. She was standing up for that calf and was going to let Kolby know not to mess with her baby in about two seconds.  As I pull on the leash trying to get him to come along and leave these two alone I just start to bawl.

Why does a cow make me cry?  As we headed into the house and I wiped the tears from my face I looked out that window and that mommy and calf were still in stunned position for a few more minutes before they moved on.  I don't know what got over my why did I cry over that. A silly incident with a cow and a dog? I must be losing it here I know I have been border line but this is insane.  Then I start to calm down and I realize why it struck me so suddenly and hard.  That Mom was defending her baby.  That baby was scarred, I will never get to do that. I will never get to defend my little girl when someone scares her so much she backs up to let me move in. I will never get to move in and step up for Addy.

In some ways this makes me happy the longer I think about it. I mean she will never have to be picked on, called names or face the fear that comes along with growing up.  But i understand why it hit me so hard. I still miss her. More than I might put on more than might show deep down I still am scared to death about what happened and I just miss her.  I miss all the little everyday things that make being a mom so wonderful. Even those things that we fight over like changing a diaper, I miss that.  A year ago we just found out we were pregnant and our whole lives were starting to change.  I don't think if you would have told me all this a year earlier I would have gotten it. I wouldn't have realized that all the times that were so special with her were all we where going to have.

I don't know why something as simple as a walk can provoke such pain in my heart. I know eventually it will get easier. I will be able to walk and come across situations and be able to handle it without bawling at everything. But untell then I guess i need to just invest in the Kleenex company and continue to give my heart to God.  I don't have anyother option but to just keep moving forward. No matter how hard it is I can't stand still becasue if I do I will be the crazy lady forever.

Her Initials

Trying to get back into the rut I now know as my life is kind of hard. I had a hard morning yeasterday transitioning from being with my family to being alone again all day. It was an adjustment and one that I have every time we get back from visiting but it is worth it every time, I just prepare for it. As I am trying to get adjusted to the time difference and try to get back on schedule I am trying to think of things to keep myself occupied until I can get back into my daily activities.  Yesterday after lunch and a short nap I got up with aspirations on working on the quilt square for the blankets at church. I hadn't had much thread and so when I was home Mom and I went and picked a bunch of colors out and I was ready to get working on this one. I don't know why but it was something to do. So I started to wind the thread onto the little paper disks that hold my colors in my box.  Daniel got home and seeing that this wasn't anything he wanted to do went in and started playing his game.  I headed that way just so we could have some company with each other we have been away from each other for a week and I needed to interact with him.  So as he played and I worked we sat there talking. It was good. Something I needed more than I even knew I did. I just enjoy it when we can just being talk. With no one around nothing really going on just us talking about what is on our minds.  As we got to talking he suggested something that I thought was very special.

I knew while I was gone he was going to have to face our loss alone. I wasn't here for him to put his attention on and so he had to work on himself. I knew it was going to be hard and did all i could do keep it from being to hard on him. In the long run I think it was good for him to face it a little he needs the same release I do so if it meant him having to face it alone than that is what God was going to do. I know the whole time I was gone I keep praying for him to be able to handle it and he did a good job at it but was glad to see me home.  Anyways in our talking he asked me if I could do something for him.  He wanted me to stitch our little girls initials on all his hats.  This might not seem like a big thing to anyone but me but it was all I could do to keep from crying.  He has desperately been trying to find a way that he could physically carry her everyday and this was it.  He wanted to wear her special name on his hat.  It amazes me everyday what a fathers love looks like.  It comes in all forms but is all the same just simple and beautiful. He is willing to do that for her it just made my heart cry but smile all at the same time.

I will admit I am not very good at it.  But as I started to stitch those purple little letters on his first hat it all hit me. He was going to be proudly showing the world our daughter. Just like if she was here and had made him something special he was going to proudly wear it no matter what because of the meaning it has behind it.  As I got finished with his work hat I started to doubt weather i could do any more or not. But with determination I set out to work on his new hat.  It might not be very perfect but that is ok.  They are there for him to have her with him.  For him to have a reminder that she was here and that we do have a daughter even though she is up in heaven she is still here with us too. 

I am hoping over the years, and many hats later I will get better at judging the distance between the A and the J but untell then my first one will always be special.  When I look at them I will be reminded of the love he has for his daughter, the love he has for his family and it will always make me think of what we have been through together.  If it wasn't for him alot of days I wouldn't have been able to function. He has been a strong support for me and I will never forget, nor will I ever make it anything less than it was. It was a true expression of his love for me and his love for his daughter and that is something I will never be able to forget.  Nor will I ever be ungrateful for it.  Without him I would have crumbled along time ago.  I would have been the crazy lady, well more so than I am:) I am just glad that God gave him to me to be able to take this journey with becasue there is no one else that would have been any better at it than him. 

Flying Nuns

As I stood in line getting ready to get on my plane from Sacramento to Las Vegas I am greeted by nuns. Three of them to be exact. I found it strange that they were flying let alone going to Vegas. Maybe they are going after there lost friend like on Sister Act 2.  As I chuckle to myself, I get the strange urge that I must tell this strange sight to someone, so I text Daniel. Sure he is at work but he will get a kick out of it all. After all it isn't every day we see a nun let alone three of them flying to Vegas.  After I text him I getting a slight tap on my shoulder only to be face to face with one of these sisters.

She asks me to take their picture, hands me the camera and goes to pose with the others. They are giggling and talking in a different language but they are having fun. More fun than I could say I was having.  After taking the picture I start to think that although I am an amateur photographer I sure do get asked a lot lately to take strangers pictures for them. After handing back the camera and them looking at the picture with approval I turn back around and wait for the plane to arrive.  I can hear them over my shoulder laughing and having a good time I turn around to see them posing with two other passenger men who thought it was as strange as I that these women were going to Vegas I guess. It is funny how people act to differences in that way.  They sure can be mean and judgmental but they can also be acceptant and kind as well. I just find it interesting to see how people react to thing out of there element.  A Nun in my book is out of the norm to see so I am not really surprised when I see them posing with others.  Then I got to thinking those flying nuns have a picture I took on there camera. I was just a stranger but without me being there they wouldn't have that picture.

As funny as all of it was it got me  to thinking. It really doesn't matter who you are or what you do everyone has a story. A purpose and a common bond. God created us all .He created those nuns just as he did me. He gave them a purpose just like me. Some like me might struggle with there purpose in life. Some know and do exactly what He calls us to do. Some run all there lives and never do what He wants out of spite. But no matter any of that He can still take what we  are at this moment and use it to His best interest and glory. He gave us this special girl for a reason and although we are still working through the human emotion of it all He is ready to use it for His purpose.

He is ready to use her story maybe in a way that we can't begin to know.  He had a plan when He came and flew her home and that plan is still in place whether we follow it or not that doesn't matter because He can still use it no matter what.  So then who am I to stand in His way? He has a plan I just need to get on board and get ready He will show it to me when I am ready. He has given me time to heal with my family last week and that is what I needed to do. I needed that time to get together laugh and just feel like myself again. That trip has already helped me more than I thought it would. It has given me the laughter back and that is something we both need right now is some laughter in our lives.  So maybe just maybe those Nuns were put there for us so we can get a good giggle over it for a while.  Nuns  going to Vegas that is so funny to me:)

Roses for Addy

I finally finished, well almost.  I got Addy's roses planted which meant I got the rocks i set out to move by myself moved.  It might not look pretty yet but in a few months I am praying that the flowers will be blooming outside of her bedroom window.  This has been a mighty feet for me.  Those rocks are horrible to move and with only my hands to move them and wheel barrow it has been quite the trip.  But I finally was able to put them in the ground I am so hoping the survive while I am gone. Daniel your in charge:)

It all started a few weeks ago when I bought those roses with hopes to plant them some where on our two acres for Addy.  I found the perfect spot under her window but obstacle  number one arose.  Those rocks. Mountains and mountains for rocks.  Not going to get defeated I headed out for rock moving day number one. It was a nice day and I got what felt like a lot moved until spent I looked back at the progress and realized I barely made a dent in them.  On to rock moving day number two. I got a little more moved, it was fairly chilly so I didn't stay out as long as I wanted but still made progress.  On to day number three it was fridge wind and decided to be cloudy and cold.  It looked like a tornado could hit an minuet and it felt like it was getting close by that wind. I finally called it quits after an hour that day.  Then today. It was nice not too warm but at least sunny when i started. By the hour and 45 minuets later it is cloudy cold and I am beat.  But I got enough of the rocks moved to plant my flowers and that is all that matters to me.  That goal is almost completed:) 

When I get back from my trip to Cali. I will have one more day of rock moving for that spot and on to the next.

Its been a hard day. This morning was particularly hard. I couldn't put my finger on it until I looked at the calendar with bills on my mind and realized it was the 11.  No wonder it was a hard day.  4 months ago today my little angel was born into this world but was not here.  Its hard to believe it has been four months it seems like just a few days ago.  But when I look back I am starting to see the path of grief we have traveled, we are traveling and I realize we have come a lot farther than I would have thought possible four months ago.  The only thing I can do it praise God that He has been here through it all and He is the one that has made the progress possible.  Without Him we wouldn't be were we are. From people looking in I am sure it seems like we haven't made much of a step in the healing direction but i believe we have and are.  I might still be clinging to her blanket at night wishing it was her I was holding but that will be here for awhile still. I might still think of her during the day but as time goes by it isn't as painful to do any more.  I still have my days were I just want to hoard up in the house and stay under the covers but that is ok.  As long as I can keep myself going most days I think I am doing ok. 

So for Addy, I planted your roses today baby.  Purple and pinks ones to match the inside of your room.  They will bloom and look beautiful and everytime I water them. Everytime I look at them I will think of our daughter and smile.  Becasue I know she would want me to do that.

Stinky Old Shoes

Oklahoma weather, must I say it again, makes no sense at all.  I have been working on moving rock out of our front yard so that I can plant Addy's roses I bought to put under her window. That was my plan for this week so far i worked one day out there in the frigged wind and was going to work out there again and looked out the window and it is snowing!!  What a mess a few days ago it was in the 60 and sunny now snow.  Crazy stuff.

As I got ready to go out i decided I should wear my old tennis shoes. I bought a few pairs at Christmas when we were in California and I love them.  But i didn't want them to get dirty so i decided on the old ones.  As I dug them out of the closet I got to thinking about them. They are stained with paint and have several battle scares from the few years I have had them. I remember buying them. I got them for our first trip to Dinsyeland a few summers ago and they have been my trusty pair of shoes every since, until this winter that is.  But as I pulled them out i couldn't help but see the tiny spot of paint splattered across them and then it all hit me.  That spot had come when we were working on the house.  Every night after work Daniel, Kolby and I would come over here and work fervently trying to get it done in time for our baby girls arrival. 

That spot of paint happened one of those nights.  I decided instead of replacing some of the cabinets in the master bathroom we were just going to paint them to match the rest of the cabinets in the house. They are in the master bath so it really didn't matter what they ended up like as long as they were decent, so it became my job to paint them.  I spent a few weeks of nights working on those cabinets, sitting on the floor painting the doors. It was so vivid but not as vivid as how that spot came about. 

It was one of those nights that I was sitting on the floor that it happened. I was done with one of the doors and being fat and pregnant i couldn't move very well.  As i stretched and reached to get that wet cabinet door to rest on its side against the wall i accidentally brushed up against the brush with my foot.  The brush went flying and paint spattered off its bristles.  The paint landed on the top of my shoe.  That was the first spot I had gotten on these since i bought them. Of course they were dirty but not so bad but now they were marked with white paint.  

No big deal right?  Wrong as I pulled the shoes out and was reminded of that time I was reminded at why my foot brushed up against that brush.  At the very moment i was reaching and stretching my daughter kicked me and it made my foot jump.  It was her fault:) Maybe not but I can remember that feeling and I missed it all of a sudden.

I missed not having her here inside of me where she was safe.  I missed not having her here in my arms where I could hold her and take care of her. I just missed her, all over again.  I know it sounds weird but I can still feel her kick sometimes. I have looked it up thinking I am losing it but it is a condition that mothers experience after they give birth they call them ghost kicks.  Daniel calls it gas:)He might be right but whatever it is it isn't far. It isn't far that I have to remember that feeling and it makes me miss her so much.  Why is my body fight against me?  

Its funny how a pair of old worn out, stinky, (more proof that my daughter was here, I had an amazing foot stench when I was pregnant with her one that still resonates in those shoes) shoes can make the grief of losing my daughter come back to me.  It will never cease to amaze me that it is in the simple things that I find her.  I think that is what God is wanting me to see though. It isn't just her. In those simple things He is there too showing me her but also showing me His love for me. 

I know it is hard to believe that God allows me to remember all these things. But I think it is His gift to me. When I feel like my daughter is slowly slipping away with time He is there to show me she is still here with me just like He is.  Its for that reason that I thank Him everyday for allowing me to see these things. Even though it hurts and I cry, even though my heart still feels like it is in a million pices He is doing it to help me heal.  To know that she will always be with me and that one day she will be with me for eternity.  I can't help but thank Him for that and for the hope that is placing in me each day that one day we all will be together and be the family we were ment to be.  One day those stinky shoes will have to go but today I will wear them, while I work and remember her. 

A Dare

I was tagged to answer some questions. At first I just wrote it off. I don't do well with these kind of things. At work I use to get them all the time questionnaires that ask random stupid questions. I hated answering those but played along a lot of the time out of boredom.  The girls at work would wait with anticipation to see my answers because they always thought they were so funny.  (Funny how people are easily amused by my odd sense of humor.)  So when I got tagged to do this particular one I had to think about it.  That was at the first of the week I am still thinking about it...But with respect out of what people want I will do it.  Reluctantly, and with a shrug in my shoulders but here we go... If you are my Husband, Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Friend or any kind of acquaintance you shouldn't read this since you will already know what I am going to say before I get done with this survey:)

Ten Things You Don't Know About Me

1.  My favorite color is purple, in honor of my daughter, she has changed me into a girl:)

2. I don't like mushrooms or tomatoes, although oddly enough we eat alot of stuff with mushrooms and tomatoes in it.

3. Ketchup is my favorite condiment.  Relating to the answer before I told you it was strange.  People think it is strange to eat ketchup on tacos I think they are smoking something it is awesome and I wouldn't do it any other way.  I think I get that trait from the Kennedy side, the ketchup on tacos thing,  so thanks Peep:)

4. I have a gross toenail.  Miranda calls it my grandma toe nail. It grows all sideways and stuff. I ran over it a few times with our 1930's Kirby vacuum when we first got married and it has never been the same since.  I think weird toenails run in the family too, thanks Mom:)

5. I started to learn to play the guitar, a year ago. Although I am not nearly as good as Allie, I still try.  When I pick up the guitar and try to get Daniel to sing along he just looks at me with fear becasue he can't recognize anything I play.

6. I collect Disney Precious Moments snow globes.  I own 4 but it was a good start.  Daniel on the other had over does the collection thing we now have every Supercharged Disney Car from the movie Cars that was every made and I think if we have a boy next his room it already predestined to be a Cars room. 

7. I like to travel, go places explore new things. The extent of my traveling is to Cali. to see my family but we are planning a cruise for next year...well maybe:)

8. My family is wonderful, funny and odd. But they are mine and they can't disown me so they have to act like they know me at least while I am out there.  Even if we are hula-hooping in the middle of the store or cheer leading while walking around the grocery isle.

9. I was an aspiring cheerleader:) So I have no dance skills whatsoever and the thought of my fat giggling in front of people was mortifying. But I loved those pom-poms. I even tried out for the cheer squad in 8 grade I didn't make it but at least I tried right?  I got a cheer game for Christmas this year and i got so into it one day i broke a light bulb out of our ceiling fan.  I left it to see if Daniel would notice, after he did and picked himself off the ground from laughing he scolded me because leaving the broken bulb in the light fixture was a fire hazard. I don't know who made him Suzzy Safety all of a sudden but I thought it was pretty funny. 

10. I love music.  I have it playing all the time when I am home by myself. Our ipod has an eclectic mix of music.  I download a song the other day and didn't know it had a bad word in it until Daniel and I were listening to it and he was singing along and said the bad word.  I got mad at him and told him to replace that word with something else. Know he just laughs at me when the song come on. What is really bad is it is in Addy's play list maybe I need to go move that. Oh and that word is in the title of the song, so much for being observant. Its Stink Daniel just remember that:)

11. (I am going to add an 11 just becasue I can) I am dislexic and so when you read my blog and there are words that are wrong particualrly: know-now, there-their,here-hear...you now know why they are in the wrong place or are wrong.  Its my mind I can't fix it but try to. Mom always said I had a brain short now we have a word for it:)

The Game of Grief

Thursday night we had yet another basketball game.  We started to play on a different league now. So we arrive at the game way too early and had nothing to do.  So we wait until some of our other member got there to go into the gym.  Boy was I not ready for what was going to be behind those doors waiting for me.

As we walked in the gym is packed, not like church league people actually come to these games to cheer for there team.  Anyways amongst all these people were probably 15 or so kids. Do these people not know what causes this or what? I know some of them had at least 4 in tow and maybe even more and were younger than I am.  That isn't to say much in small towns that happens a lot but back to my story.  So we walk in and immediately I spot this little girl.  She was probably close to Addy's age and her mom is just holding her walking up and down the side aisle of the court.  I knew if i had to see that much longer I wasn't going to make it.  But we sat down and it wasn't until a few minuets later that it happened.

This women with this baby decided to come over next to us and stand there. She was talking to some of her friends and they just happen to have been sitting close to our spot.  But as she walks back and forth in front of me it is all i could do to keep from bawling right there.  I just couldn't help it.  At that moment my pain of losing my daughter just sprung up out of my soul again and I didn't think I was going to make it out of that gym every again.  It just hurt too bad.

Well as the game draws to a close, which I am looking forward too because I know that all these baby's and moms would be leaving, another baby enters my sight.  This lady is carting around a little butterball boy and she comes and sits right in front of me besides one of her friends. Did we sit in grand central station or what?  As they start to talk I can't help but over hear the conversation.  This is her nephew that is only 4 months old.  4 months that would make him close to Addy's age.  Why did my mind and ears have to hear that?  Now there are two baby's within feet of me that are close to the age of my daughter.  Why then do these people get to hold there baby's and not me? I was so frustrated and sad all at once.  That pain in my arms start to intensify  and I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  As the game draws to a close and the team comes off the court I know Daniel is now going to have to go out there and I wasn't sure I could be left here on this bench amongst all that by myself, i wasn't sure what I would do. 

So i just put my head in my hands and pray.  I prayed that God would give me the strength to get through the next few minuets without breaking down right there in front of everyone. I just wanted Him to come put His arms around me at that moment and be with me.  As I started to feel His arms embrace me I looked up, only to see the face of another little girl staring literally at me right into my face.  She probably thought I was crazy this lady looks like she is going to lose it,. I am sure is what went through her mind. I didn't understand so I did the only thing I knew what to do at that moment stare back.

I know it isn't polite to stare but she started it and I didn't have the strength to ignore it at that moment.  Eventually after a few second it got uncomfortable enough for her that she moved on but at that moment I felt like I was going to explode. I would like to say I went out to the car and cried but I didn't, even thought that is what i wanted to. I just grabbed the closest thing to me, which was my purse held it tightly for a few minuets and moved on to watch the game hoping it would get my mind off of what was going on around me in the stands.

I don't know why these moments happen or why I react the way I do. I probably should have went to the car at the first sight of the baby but I just couldn't do it without having to answer questions from people and having Daniel have to face it all as well. I didn't have the strength to answer all those questions that might come. As the game draws to a close it is over and I can finally release the tension that has built up inside me all night. We get to the car and its still.  I am not overwhelmed with the emotions anymore I didn't just start weeping like I figured I would it was just quite and peaceful.  It was at that moment I felt God holding me.  He held me through all that had happened that night and he was still holding me when it was all over. It is hard to describe but the peace that I felt was only a thing God could have placed in my path.  It was Him, He heard my prayers and He answered them in a mighty way.  I was just expecting to be able to get through the game and then fall apart but He far exceeded my expectations.

Isn't that what He does though? When we call on Him He answers but His answer is normall more than what we expect. It might not be what we want but it is what is best for us.  I don't think I will soon forget that feeling of peace that I felt that night. It helped me through yet another round in this gried game. I am so glad I have Him to hold me. Without that there is no way I could get through this, through those moments.  It is Our God that is getting us through without Him I would be a mess.

A Person is a Person...

I did it, I finally sat down and finished our taxes. What a big headache and stress that is. I hate this time of year mainly because we don't get our forms on time. I have to wait and wait to get it done and that stupid 1099 we have for Daniel's extra work is a pain that costs us almost more than he makes with it.  But I got it done. I hate the fact that we owe money every year this year was going to be different. Mom always told me we needed some deductions.  Well we decided this year to have two major deductions guess what only one had any effect on our taxes.  Which leads me to my rant.

Ok so a person is a person no matter how small right?  That is what Dr. Seuss tells us, and he is pretty smart.  Well that isn't what the government thinks. According to them my daughter doesn't count.  This aggravated me to the point i just wanted to throw something.  Since Addy didn't technically breath outside of the womb she isn't considered to be living which means she didn't get a social security number.  That means to the government my daughter never existed.  How stupid is that?  She was a person she did live I don't care if she never stepped a foot on this earth outside of the womb she was stilling living in there!!

If you can't tell, I was a little aggravated about this.  First it was shock, depression for someone to tell me that my daughter doesn't count that defiantly isn't something you want to tell any mother let alone a grieving one. But the more I got to thinking about it the more i realized it isn't up to the government to decide if my child was a person or not.  God decided to put her here and he decided what was the best for her.  He formed her just as he did all those people telling me she wasn't real.  Just because they weren't special enough to go directly to Him isn't her fault, she can't help it that she is  a special  angel :) In fact I am sure if given the opportunity she would have chosen to go directly to God. I know if given the chance I would make that decision for her. Even though I miss her and it is hard to not have her here I am just thankful that she doesn't have to live a life that is full of all this earthly junk. She was so special she just got to go right to the good stuff and skip all this life stuff:)

So she might not have counted financially for us but I am ok with that. She has mad a bigger impact on lives not being here than I could have ever emagined. I am very proud of her and proud to call her my daughter, even if there are people out there that want to down grade her and say she wasn't here becasue she didn't breath our air. Well you know what I think, she is lucky she never had to breath this nasty, polluted air she went straight to Gods pure air:) And straight to His arms were one day we will be as well.  So keep your stupid money government you need it more than I do.  I know I am headed to a place where I wouldn't need it and untell then God will provide for us in other ways.   

The Blanket

What a weekend again.  Seems like we have a few good ones and then a hard one. This weekend wasn't too bad. Or at least I didn't think it was until it all hit me Sunday morning early.  We had a busy weekend and I wasn't even aware of the things that were bothering me until it all came into play that early morning.  Sunday early mornings have been hard for me.  That was the time we rushed to the hospital in hopes to hear our little Addison's heartbeat. In hopes that all would be fine, in hope.  But left with no hope and my baby being gone for good.  It just brings back all those feelings all that fear and pain I hate when i wake up thinking about it. But I did Sunday again and it all begin to make sense to me why.

Saturday we got up went to basketball tournaments for the guys. It was single elimination and I think they had given up before they started. Needless to say they lost the first game and was out. Fine by me I wasn't looking forward to spending all day at the gym on those hard benches.  We headed to eat after the game with some of our friends and then spent the rest of the day with them. It was a perfect day outside and so we went to the park and played on the playground and went and met the guys while they were at the driving range.  It was fun and i had a good time. I played Guitar Hero for the first time, and one of these days when I get good I am determined to beat you Miranda:)   As we headed home Saturday night I was feeling kind of down but figured I was just tired and needed some ice cream:) We stopped and got ice cream and headed home. Relaxed on the couch a little bit before we headed to bed.  I was totally unaware of the emotions that were adding up on me.

Then it hit 4 am Sunday morning. Kolby wakes me up and wants out. No big deal or so I think. I get up with him we head back to bed but as I lay there trying to get back to sleep I just feel this pain in my arms.  I just want to hold something.  I try to shake it off but the feeling intensifies.  I start to see all the images that had been stored up in my mind from the day before.  The diaper bag some lady had at the game that was like Addy's but a different pattern, the bow laying on the floor, the scattered little shoes,  the blanket.  It all was in my mind so vivid. I have seen these things a million times just part of being around a little girl but I guess it was all just being stored for this time. Everything was a symbol of stuff I should be a part of with my little girl but what got me the most was the blanket.

Our church lady's are very sweet and for every child born they make them a quilt with handmade patches done on them from different ladies.  These blankets are precious to have.  I dreamed of what ours was going to look like. Just the fact that they took the time to do that for these children I just had always dreamed of the day when they would be making one for us.  That time came and they were all so excited. Most of the time they don't have set patterns or anything.  The different squares just have different designs and stuff on them but ours was special.  We where going to decorate Addy's room in Hello Kitty. A thing from my childhood that I was just so excited to be able to do.  Anyways, the lady's all decided they wanted our quilt to match.  It was a grand gesture and one that they will never understand the true impact it had on me.  But as they got it together and stuff they were so excited they couldn't contain the excitement. They weren't suppose to tell me that it was going to be special but with a few slips and smiles I pretty much put the pieces together and was ecstatic that it was going to match Addy's room.

The day of our shower  arrived and to be honest I don't remember hardly any of that time but the one thing I do remember is Daniel opening that quilt.  We both nearly broke down in tears. It was beautiful.  They had made it special for our Addison and I could picture her using it for years to come. It was wonderful.  Of course none of us knew the impact it was soon going to have on our life.  That following morning was the morning. We rushed to the hospital with fear and left with very sadden hearts and in shock of what had just taken place.  When we got home all that stuff from the shower was still sitting where it had been set that following day. The first thing I saw when I walked through the door way was that blanket. It was too much I couldn't do it.  We shut the door to that room and to this day most of that stuff is still were it was that day.  Hidden away. My Mom and Dad so graciously packed it all away for me so that we didn't have to deal with it.  She helped me move it into Addy's new room and that is were it still sits to this day.  But that blanket it was left out.

My Mom and Dad were rocks for us during this time. Without them here Daniel and I would have never made it through.  Mom took charge when I had nothing to give anyone and  helped me plan the service. We decided we wanted to have that blanket be a part of it.  It just seemed fitting.  So we explained to the funeral director what we wanted and on the day of her funeral it was just like I wanted it.  That blanket draped over that little white casket it was a symbol of her but it was also our way of showing those lady's what it meant to us.

After the service I don't think I even thought of that blanket until a few days ago.  On a particularly hard day I went in Addy's room and opened her closet and found that blanket. I grabbed it and walked around the house with it in my arms for a few hours. It just was so comforting for some reason. To know it wrapped her little casket and now it was wrapping me, it just felt like I had a piece of her here with me.  After a few hours i felt silly and decided to go place it back were it had been. I didn't want Daniel to come home and see me with it and him not be ready to see it again.  So I put it back but didn't forget about it.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. As I laid in bed crying, Daniel dozing off and on through my tears but still wanting to hold me I got to thinking about that blanket. About the time it spent making it in excitement for our little one to arrive. Then about it covering her casket and then it being stored in the closet. I just couldn't help but want to get it out again.  As I lay there in Daniel's arm's i finally decide I wanted it to be with us in my arms.  After finally settling down I told him I wanted her blanket.  He didn't know where it was but offered to go get it for me. Not wanting to hinder any more of his sleep than I already had I told him I would go get it. As i walked into her room and reached for that blanket a comfort came over me. I climbed in bed and just embraced that blanket, it was so soft and warm it was like I was holding her again once more.  Shortly after I went to get that blanket I feel asleep. 

I have come to the conclusion that it is a special thing. One of the only possession I have that was truly, uniquely Addy's.  All the clothes, decorations and other stuff can be used later if we have another little girl but this, this was hers. It was made for her and it was a part of everything we did for her. This blanket is Addy's and wouldn't be anyone else.  I think that is what I find comfort in it the most knowing it is hers and I can hold it and feel close to her. She might have never touched it or reached for it but it was made for her and it symbolizes her more than anything else in this world and if i can hold it for now than that is what I am going to do.

I know God has placed each one of those lady's that made that blanket in our lives for a reason. They have all been very helpful and supportive through this journey and the fact that their hands made something that would be so close to my heart makes them even more special to me.  One day I will be able to put that blanket up maybe on the wall in our nursery or something but for now it will contniue to be next to me in bed so I can feel close to her and sleep with her in my arms for a short time.