Unexpected Places

I know I have talked about this before but it happened to me again.  Finding my daughters name in unexpected places.  Here is the story...

Miranda, my friend, had a party last night and so we were all gathered around having a good time. We had spent the afternoon getting ready for it and it was finally here and kicking in full swing when we finally got to sit down for a minuet.  During that time we were enjoying the party and the lady was giving her usual talk about the company and stuff. Well I had won a door prize and after picking out which one I wanted I held it in my lap as she continued on.  I don't know why but I just can't keep my attention on anything these days. My mind likes to wander and it started doing just that. As I sat there my mind somewhere else and fidgeting with my new toy I flipped it over to read the instructions.  As I was reading something in the top right hand corner caught my eye. I wasn't even look in that spot but I saw something.  Did that say what I thought it did?  I had to look again just to easy my curiosity.  Indeed it did say what I expected.  Up on top of the little piece of paper was my daughters name.  In full view.  It took my breath away for a moment.  Then I had to study it some more.  Was it spelled like hers?  Was it really there.  It sure was the address to the company was in Addison, Illinois.  I had no idea there was such a place.  No idea that I would find my daughters name in such an unusual spot. 

It was hard for a moment to see that. It was like she was there but she really wasn't. I don't know it is hard to describe but I had to show my findings to someone so I leaned over and showed Miranda.  I thought I was making things up but with her affirmation it really did say her name.  Wow, at that moment it was like she was right there in the room with me. She was on my lap listening to something I wasn't.  It was so weird. It is just hard to describe.  As the party wore on I couldn't quit thinking about the name, Her Name.  It was just another reminder to me that she was here. I know that is silly to see and address and feel and think all that but to me that name is so special. It means so much to me and it always will.  It is her name.  I can't help but get emotional when I think about her name.  It is her identity after all. The way her name came about the way it was and is perfect for her.  That is always a big part of having a baby deciding on the name and this one just fit for so many reasons. 

I know I will probably see her name a lot over the years, in unexpected places. But for some reason this time it was different. I didn't break down at the sight of it. Although it did take me a moment to regain my composure it didn't instantly spur on tears.  Maybe that is a sign it is getting easier. I don't know, but to see her name in weird spots it is just a affirmation that my baby is still in my heart and will always be.  She is special and so every time I see that name it is going to be special because it will remind me of my daughter and maybe some day seeing it will make me smile a little more. 

Purple Flowers

It rained last night.  Not just a little but sudden down pours that lasted a while. I like stormy weather, sometimes. It is nice when it is hot and the clouds decide to burst open and cool us down.  It was one of those kinds of nights last night. Daniel and I were working on setting our stones for our front walk way and about an hour into the adventure it started lightening. Deciding it wasn't safe to be holding a metal shovel and standing outside we decided to call it a night and come in. No sooner did we get in and cleaned off before the storms hit.  It was so pretty. It is always so quite when it storms. Well besides the noise of the thunder booming overhead. The bugs and birds stop and it just is kind of weird. 

Its always after the storm when it is most interesting to see what has happened to the surroundings of our home.  The wind and rain tend to shift things around and it makes the landscape look different than before.  I don't really know when it stopped raining last night. I do know at 4 it was still going but besides that I have no clue.  But when I got up this morning and let Kolby out for his morning tour of the backyard my eye caught something that it hadn't seen before.  Out there amongst our struggling trees were a bunch of purple wild flowers scattered all around.  I know Daniel will say they aren't flowers they are weeds but they are just too pretty to call a weed.  But looking out there seeing them all made me think of my Addy. 

I am sure she would have loved storms too. Her father likes to go out in them and she was alot like him in many ways.  The purple flowers that popped up over night made me think that she was out there planting them just for me. I know she wasn't but it was nice to look at them and think of her.  I saw Kolby walk amongst them trying to stay away from them as if she was playing with him and tickling him as he walked by.  I just can't help but miss her sometimes.  Things catch me off guard or by surprise as to what will make me think of her and it is all I can do to catch my breath and live through that moment. 

This sounds silly but I even looked at clothes the other day.  I was walking through the store. I had to go right by the little girl stuff for something and this outfit caught my eye. It had a cute little lady bug attached to the pocket of this little jumper dress and just out of curiosity I found what I thought would be Addy's size.  I held it in my arms just to get a feel for what size she would be.  I had to put it down and leave. The overwhelming sense of loss and missing her took over and I knew if I didn't divert my attention I would be lost in this pain for awhile.  Its just silly stuff that gets to me.  Who would think to do that? If any one saw me they probably thought I was crazy.  But that is ok. 

I have learned that I just have to allow myself to get through these times. Get through those moments and realize that it wouldn't always be this hard. But still seeing those purple flowers brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I am so happy they were there to great me this morning but it doesn't make missing her any easier.  I will enjoy those wild flowers for now and think of Addy when I see them fluttering in the wind. 

Homesick Again

Well the weekend is over and it is back to the weekly grind.  Another busy weekend behind us and only one more to go before we head to California!! I am so excited and ready to be going home and spending time with family again. I can't wait. But before that we have another week to get through and then a long weekend. We have plans and will probably stay busy like always, but in time like these that is a good thing.  I was feeling extremely home sick yesterday. Not sure why.  It seems these are some of the hardest times for me.  The times right before I leave to go out there and then having to come back.  I get all ready to go and am so anxious to be there I start to miss it and all that is going on without me to get ready for us to be there. I don't know it sounds silly really to get homesick right before I go home but it seems that at these times it is really strong.

Then there is the dreaded day when we have to leave my family back home and come back to our life halfway across the country. It is just so hard.  I always imagined that the longer we did this the easier it would get.  That seems to be the opposite reaction. The longer I am away the harder it seems to leave. I just know that when I leave to get on that plane to come back life goes back to what it is.  Them out there living there life, growing and having life adventures.  Daniel and I back here doing the same but apart it is hard.  The hardest seems to be now that I don't have my baby.  I feel like I have to give it all up. I remember asking Daniel that at Christmas when we came home.  Why do I feel like I have to be separated from all that I love dearly, besides him?  It just doesn't make sense.  My family is out there, My daughter is in Heaven.  Just too much separation for my heart to handle at times. 

I know that we are here for a reason. God put us in this place to do something. Just not sure what that is. With our whole world changing on that day it is just so hard to reconfigure what it is that God wants us to be doing.  I got to thinking though, in August it will have been 9 years since I first moved out here.  9 years ago I was not wanting to go to college not wanting to do anything but get married and have kids.  9 years later I have done both but they aren't what was expected.  My marriage is the most important thing to me and these last almost 7 years have been some of the happiest times I think I could have. We have hit bumps and snag's along the road but we have always been there together to get through them. I thank God for that. I thank him for the fact that He is giving us the ability to keep it together and fight for what He has given us with each other.  Daniel truly is my best friend and I know that if I wouldn't have meet him my life would not be the same. It would not be as happy and loving as it is. I did marry my best friend and that friendship just gets deeper over the years and I know that is what God wanted us to have. I really wasn't expecting to come out here get married and stay here that wasn't my plan but it must have been Gods plan. Not sure why or what He has planed but I come to a realization that at times it might be hard but there is a reason for us to be here and if we continue to follow Him and do what He wants us to He is going to reward us for it. 

As the week starts and I start looking forward and counting down the days when we get on that plane and head to see my family I start to think about the time ahead. The things we will be doing and the time spent together and I get this antsy feeling. I just want it to be here. But I have to be patient and know that the wait is going to be worth it and we will once again be able to laugh and enjoy the time with family that we cherish so much. I am so ready for that.  I am sure tears will be shed, some healing will take place but most of all we can laugh and that is what I miss and what I look forward to the most.  Just laughing in the way I can only do with them.  I can't wait...

First

I don't know why but lately I have been thinking about the past, alot. Where I came from what I have done. My life in general. What am I here for?  I always thought it was to be a mother but that seems to be such a small goal compared to others. I don't really feel like I have accomplished it either. Sure I have. I mean no matter what I am still Addy's Mom but to not have her here makes it seem like maybe it really didn't happen.  These are the times I pull out old pictures and start looking back to see how far I have become.

First off I take out Addy's pictures. The new ones have arrived and she looks so beautiful and peaceful. She is an angel and it sure makes her look one. Those always make me cry but I have gotten to not realize that isn't always a bad thing.  I then pull out any and all albums I have. I have a lot of pictures not in albums but I like the organization of them all. It just makes looking at them easier. I have a few that my grandma had made for me before she passed away and although they are incomplete something about where they left off just makes sense.  I love looking at those pictures. Early pictures of my siblings and I.  Mainly Allie and I.  Those are the pictures that make me smile. We have done some pretty silly things and regretfully we have a family that likes to document everything with pictures. That is ok. I have picked that gene up and although I can't take picture of Addy I take pictures of what I can to remember her with. 

That leads me to this picture of her first rose. It is the very first one off of her 3 bushes to produce a flower. Although when I took this picture last Saturday I didn't know the beating it was going to take this week it just was perfect that day.  Today I went out and looked to see if it has survived the sudden bursts of storms we have had and realized it was worn out. It is hanging sideways, has lost its color and is very ready to fall off and die.  It made me cry.  I don't know why, it is just a silly little flower. That is what they do they are there to be pretty for awhile and then they go away. It just seemed to be so dramatic for me.  That rose like my Addy has endured a lot in its short life time and like my Addy is at one point going to be gone and I will never have a first rose again. 

I will never have a first child again.  Addy will always be my first and like that rose I will treasure all that I have to remind me of her.  My first.  I have had a lot of first in my life some I can't even remember but none are or ever will be as remembered as my first baby.  My Addison June. I miss her but all I can hold on to is those memories and if I can keep those alive then I can feel like I am being her Mom even through the separation.   

Another Busy Weekend

Another weekend down.  We were busy yet again. I am not complaining just worn out. I look forward to the weekend when we can relax and hang out together. But most of the time we don't relax but that is ok.  I enjoy the spontaneity of it all. My week days are a lot alike so the weekend give me a break from the norm and I like it.

This weekend we did alot.  Even with my sinus infection we still went 90 to nothing and I am not doing to bad considering. I am tired and that makes it a lot hard to coop with anything let alone the loss of my daughter. I have already had a few meltdowns this morning and am so looking forward to the time when I can relax and maybe take a nap this afternoon.

Here was our weekend.  Friday night we had a graduation to go to. Nothing big or fancy just a small town small school graduation. I had to laugh at the decorations and the way they did things. It was so strange to me these customs and things that they do just to take up time.  It defiantly wasn't like that when I graduated. It was nothing extra just name calling and diplomas. The usual speech where the speaker had no idea what they are trying to say so they ramble on.  The end and that was it. But here they do all sorts of rituals and stuff that just made me laugh.

Saturday we went up to Webb to mow. Daniel and Adam have started to mow up there and they go about every other weekend or so. But this weekend the girls went too so we could plant some flowers. It was fun we ended up helping with the mowers and we did a pretty good job for girls I do think. We road 4 wheelers and hung out while the guys did the work on the second house, we were tired by then.  I took some flower up to Addy's grave. That was hard. I had never been by myself and it felt weird to not have anyone there to be my support. It was kind of nice but I later wished I would have had Daniel there with me. It was hard. I tried to pick the weeds off of that little mound as best I could with tears streaming down my face but finally gave up, got back on the 4-wheeler and headed back to the house.  It was a rough on. By then the boys were almost done so we loaded up went and took a few pictures of Addy's flowers and off we went home. When we finally got home at about 8 that night we decided we needed to burn our burn pit since we were going to be moving our dreaded rocks into it the following afternoon. I was so excited about the rocks being going but wanted to just go to bed. But we trudged on and even had a party while doing it. Roasting hot dogs and making Smores it was alot of fun and a relaxing evening to a very busy day.

Sunday was a Sunday, well in the morning at least.  We got up went to church and headed home to grill. It was such a nice day.  While grilling our neighbors behind us got Daniel's attention and told him that they had notices we were trying to grow some trees and they had a bunch of started ones if we wanted to plant those. We were very excited they said they would bring them over some time.  About 10 minuets later they were here with the trees. It was a lovely gesture and I am so glad that even though we live out of town we still have neighbors that watch our backs and our house for us.  We ate and then the fun began.

Daniel's uncle Jim can use a backhoe from the place he works when it is in the yard and it happened to be in the yard this weekend. It was great that he was willing to offer to come help us move our dreaded rocks.  I don't think he realized what he had gotten himself into.  It took about 3 and a half hours later, two big holes dug and full of rock and 5 tired bodies later to have them all moved but we did it!! We finally got ride of the rock garden that was our front yard!!! I am so excited.  It looks naked and very tired out there but I am so excited that we are finally able to get our plans laid out and our house looking better from the outside.  After everyone left from that party we moved inside and crashed. Literally. I was so tired i feel asleep while watching River Monsters.

In all our weekend was busy. We had a few unexpected bumps, mostly because I loss all my ability to cope once I get to a certain level of tiredness.  Daniel was the first one to spot out and notice Addy's first rose blooming Saturday night. That was a very lovely surprise and one that was very needed at the time. In all our weekend, like usual was busy but it was a good one. I am glad we were able to do what we did. Even if it isn't all glamour it was still time spent together with friends and that is always good.  Know only 2 more weekends and we will be in California at the lake just enjoying time with family!!! I can't wait.

Hannah

Another day halfway over and I still feel like I got hit by a mack truck.  My face hurts and I sound like a man!! So I have a sinus infection. It is inevitable and I knew eventually my body was going to play this cruel game with me again but I wasn't ready.  At least I don't have to get out of bed if I don't want to right?  I wish.  Although they might be tiny I do still have responsibilities and I have to get up to perform them. I haven't been working out and that really messes my whole day up.  Not to mention Daniel hasn't been coming home for lunch the last few days either. I am royally messed up and that just doesn't help my situation any at all.  But on the good side it has given me more time to read and study which is always good here is what I have thought about these past few days.

On Sunday Daniel and I got to talking about the story of Samuel not sure what brought that up. He was telling me he had told a guy at work about the story of God calling his name and Samuel not recognizing it.  Come to find out Daniel was telling him the right story but with the wrong name of character I thought that was funny at least he was trying. I knew the story and was familiar with it but decided that I was going to reread it and see if there was something in there I have missed all these years.

I get my Bible out and start reading.  It starts by telling the background and all a few chapters before that story we were talking about.  I learned a lot about Hannah and her life that lead up to this story that I had never paid attention to before.  Here she was a women who had a husband, her husband had another wife which was customary at the time. But for her not only to have to share her husband, which by the way I could have never lived back then and did that. To think about all the stuff that would go on when the man was away. I know how women can be and wouldn't want to have to share anything like my husband with another. I just don't think that is something I could have done. Let alone Daniel could have done.  He can barely handle me so how could he deal with two emotional wrecks all the time:)?  Anyways, so she has to share her husband and this other lady she is off popping out kids left and right while Hannah struggles to get pregnant.  She wants nothing more than to have a baby.  She wants to have her own. Take care of her own be able to raise her own. 

That's when I got to realize I am just like her.  I have the same feelings I understand what she is feeling. I even told her I did out loud when I was reading:) I am a dork and get into the stories and act like I am there sometimes.  Anyways, her number one dream in life was to have a family. Not just any family, not the other women's family but her own.  I so can relate. From day one isn't that what I have been wanting? What I have been dreaming of?  When we were little and where playing pretend isn't that what I wanted to play all the time house?  So I could take care of a family? 

I could just relate to the pain the emotions the Bible describes Hannah going through. I could understand it all.  But then came this point.  We always hear the story and she prayed for Samuel and then had him. But did we ever catch what she did while praying for him?  I never caught it. Sure she prayed for him and told God that if she had a child she would give him over to God. I got that part but what about the part where she was so distraught in praying that she was praying with such fervent heart that Eli watching her thought she was drunk. 

I just thought that was so funny.  Could you picture the conversation when it first arose. Eli going over to Hannah to tell her that she had to leave the temple because she was drunk and her having such a heavy heart already having to face that. I wouldn't have wanted to be the man who made that assumption and was wrong.  Its just funny that in such a serious moment God allowed room for humor. It probably wasn't humours at the time and probably not to many people since but I thought it was funny.  I just wish I could pray like that. To be so overwhelmed with my requests to God that I pray and others mistake me as being drunk or under the influence. 

Hannah has taught me alot

One day He is going to give us another child.  We already have a family started up in Heaven I know He is going to start us one down here too.  In time...

Mothers Day Came and Went

I have been very blessed to have so many people thinking and praying for us on that hard day. All of your efforts were not lost and I appreciate all the thoughts, prayers and cards that I received over the last week. They all meant so much to me for so many different reasons. Without them I am sure the day would have been harder than I could have endured.  But I am sure you are all wondering how it went so here is a short break down of what went on, on our first Mothers day without Addison.

I decided earlier that I was not going to be able to make it through church and all the things that normally accompany special occasions here. So we decided that we were just going to go to the city and get out of town. Looking back staying home and just hanging would have probably been easier but I wasn't thinking when I had made these plans.  We got up Sunday morning, a little sad but ready to get out of town.  I head out the door and notice a hanging basket with pink flower in it. That was new.  Daniel got it for me for Mothers Day.  I started to cry.  After breakdown number one was accomplished we piled in the car and headed out.  It was a pretty good trip to the city. We had some good times and something to laugh about.  I needed those laughs.  We got the city and stopped at our first stop, Sam's.  It wasn't bad we spent about an hour there got what we needed and headed out. It wasn't as bad as a day as I figured.  We went clothes shopping after and after finding nothing I liked in the first or second store i decided that it was not the day to go clothes shopping. I wasn't in the mood. Even though i don't hardly ever get to do it we ditched that plan and went to eat. 

As we sat down and got our drinks I tipped my glass and all of my ice cold water went all over Daniel and his side of the table.  It felt like everyone in the fascinate of our table stopped and looked, it was so embarrassing.  After that and what was almost another breakdown. I noticed her. A little baby sitting behind Daniel. She had to have been close to Addy's age and it was so hard to be sitting there with that in my eye sight.  Luckily that table was almost done and the got up and left not long after we spotted her. Just in time for another table near us to get seated with another little girl about the same age, a little  older but still the same.  As we ate and got ready to leave I was almost relieved. It was like all these girls were being put at our side of the restaurant just so I would see them.

After leaving I almost broke down again. I was able to compose myself for awhile but on the drive to Lowe's couldn't hold it in any more.  It was just too hard and I was ready to go home.  I am almost never like that. I love to be out and like to be shopping especially but that day it was too hard.  We went to Lowe's and had a good time in there. We can manage to waste a lot of time and spend a lot of money if we want to in that store. But it was good we got what we wanted and got back in the car headed to get some ice cream that would make everything all better. I got my Cold Stone and enjoyed every bite of it. 

We made it home and just hung out the rest of the night. It was a good day. It wasn't as bad as I imagined but like I said earlier I would have never made it without knowing people were praying for us.  It was still a hard day. I am really glad it is over and we get a break before another one comes. But I know there will still be days like that and we just have to rely on each other, God and people's prayers to get us through. 

I just can't thank you all enough for all the thought and compassion you have shown us over the last 6 months.  6 months ago today my baby was born. Although she was already in Heaven when she was born, this day still seems so empty and alone without her here.  Days like Sunday and like today are  getting easier and maybe someday we will be able to enjoy them and think of her in a happy way and not be so sad and empty without her. I will always be missing someone in every special occasion but I will never stop finding ways to remember her on those days. 

The Pictures

I finally did it. I took Addy's pictures from the hospital and had a professional see what they could do to them.  It was hard.  I didn't think I would be so emotional about it all. I took them in last week and they called at the end of the week to tell me they were ready to be viewed. I hesitated it wasn't something I thought would happen but once I got that news I stopped. I didn't know if I could go in there and look to see what they had done to my baby girl.  What if they didn't look like my Addy? What if they had to do so much it distorted her image that I have of her? A million what ifs ran through my head but I finally did it. I made the call made and appointment and went in today to see what they had done. 

They looked amazing. Our precious little girl was beautiful. She looked just like a healthy baby sleeping soundly. They are amazing what they can fix.  Of course there is still a few spots that even with new technology they couldn't make better but for the most part she looked perfect. She was perfect.  As I sat there viewing and discussing with the lady what I was picturing or wanting from these pictures it hit me.  I have seen these poses before. Where and why now did it have to come up?  It then hit me like a ton of bricks these are the same poses that she had made for us during her ultrasounds. How did this happen?  I don't know if it was the black and white imaging or what but it hit me I have seen this before.  Before when she was healthy. When we were expecting to bring her home and raise her. When we were going to be able to cart her everywhere we went and not mind because she was our baby.  Before...

I couldn't hold it in I started crying right then.  I didn't mean to. Trust me crying in public isn't top on my list of fun. But the emotions they were so raw I couldn't hold it in.  What is God doing here? I just couldn't comprehend.  How often would that happen?  The same pictures I have of her born I have of her before she was born. To me it was a miracle.  

I am going to be honest before today I never even thought about those ultrasound pictures. I don't even know were they are. Buried amongst her stuff I am sure but why today?  When I took those pictures in last week and had to pick which ones I wanted worked on I picked my favorite I never knew why they were my favorite they just were.  But why did I have to notice those poses while I was sitting in this strangers office? It was all I could do.  As we pushed through it and got to the layout of them and what I wanted I could only think she looks like an angel.

But I guess there is a reason why she looks like an angel becasue even then she was.  When those pictures were take she wasn't there its just her body.  I never got to know the person behind that body. I knew her temperments and I could feel her respond.  She loved to hear her Daddy's voice and loved to play kick with Kolby's head.  But I will never get to hear those lips speak my name or see those eye's well up with tears. I will never get to hold her and make it all right and at that moment I felt like I had lost her all over again. 

Although I am thankful for the opportunity to do this. I am thankful for the people that have put the time and effort into making it happen for me.  I just struggled with how hard it was. Me sitting there knowing I will never again get to pick out pictures of her.  It was overwhelming.

As I left the studio I was relived and excited. I think they are going to turn out so special and will be something I can have to display when we get strong enough to. I know there is still alot of times like these ahead and that makes it hard. But at least I had this time and was able to do this for her.  They made her look as beatiful as she can be and for that I am truely thankful. I have gotten a glimps of what she truely looks like and that means the world to me. 

Addy's Doll

She is finally here.  I ordered a doll for Addy in January and she finally made it about a week ago.  I am pleased with her she came out good. I was anxious for her to get here so I could hold her but when I took her out of her box it felt weird to be holding her. Not what I expected.  I have found such comfort in her blanket that this just seemed strange to me but she is here and i love her none the less. She has a patch on her belly of Addy's name and then a verse that has meant a lot to me over there past few months.  It is the one that is at the top of the blog.  It just has comforted me so much and it seemed fitting to have that one on her. 

Know that I have her here I kind of feel relieved.  Not sure why or even over what but it was just one more thing I have been waiting for and know that is done I can move forward.  I know that she is going to have a spot in our family for years to come. Not replacing but representing our baby girl. I already have family pictures lined up to take with her so we will see how that goes. I am looking forward to it but dreading it all at the same time.

Just wanted to share her pictures and let all see how wonderful my doll turned out.

Yard Sale Time

What a weekend so far.  Miranda and I have been over in Shattuck having a yard sale the past few days. We did good I only brought home 2 things!! I have never had a garage sale where a the end that is all I had left I am very pleased.  Got some spending money for our trip to California next month I am excited and ready to go.  It was a good time and I am glad she invited me to go and participate. It was at times so hard though.

I haven't really been in that town since Addy.  We have visited once or twice for a few hours at the most but not like I had been.  Driving by that hospital brought back so many memories that at times it was hard to concentrate on what was going on around me.  That hospital holds a lot of my heart.  Not really the hospital but that is the one and only place in this world I ever got to see my baby.  The one place I will ever get to hold her, that one place that my world feel apart at. It was hard but we made it through.  I didn't really think about it when I agreed to join it was just going to be a yard sale. But the memories.

I did good and at the end of it all I was exhausted but pleased with the turn out and so thankful for such good friends we have to get us through this time and understand and except us even through it all.  Its hard to believe but we have lost a lot of friends because of this. They don't feel comfortable around us.  The don't like the fact that we talk about her it makes them uncomfortable. I don't know why.  She is a person just as much as there children are to them. She is as much a part of my life even though she doesn't live here with me I am still like them, a mother.  They just don't understand so tend to stay away.  But not Adam and Miranda even from the start they have been there through it all I am so thankful that they put up with us and haven't given up on us like most, they truly are some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

It was fun but as I got home and laid down this afternoon a though flashed across my mind that scarred me awake. I started to sweat and felt  knots in my stomach. I just got the image of me holding my Addy in that hospital in my head, the image of the nurse taking her from my arms and it hit me.  I will never get to see her again on this earth.  At the time it happened I knew that but also knew I had to let her go and was at peace about it. But that image of her being taken off and us never to see or touch her again that just became so real to me. I haven't thought about that. At the time we were both ready we knew we couldn't stay there and hold on to her forever. That is and will always be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Let my baby go and watch her as she walked out that door for good.  I don't know why I had to think of that. Why did it have to hit know?  I don't know as time goes I get more of my memory of those days, that time and it stings all over again. I guess with Mothers day being an upcoming event I just think more about what I don't have that I should. I think more about the events that have lead up to this point in our life. I think about Addison more than anything.

I know with the coming week and the coming times it is going to be hard. I will have a rough time and am expecting too.  But one day things will not be so hard. Everything wouldn't be such a struggle. I think the more time passes the more I feel her slipping away and I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to just be a memory I want her to be more than that. She is more than that.  So here we go with another week starting.  Another seven days to heal and maybe get some more ground closer to the sun yet again. I can see it at the end of the tunnel. It might still be far off in the distance but at least i can see it and for now that is what is getting me through.