Our God is Able!!!

Be assured that if God waits longer than you could wish, it is only to make the blessing doubly precious.--Andrew Murray

It has been awhile since I have last sat down at my computer, contemplating what to write or even if I should write anything at all.  I have a sense that I need to just for my own sake so I  can have it to look back on and rejoice in what God has done and is doing for us today.  The past few months have been extremely difficult. The distance away from family, in the most crucial time of our families history. I have been torn so many times with heartbreak and homesickness. But God always brings me through these times with a peace that can only come from him. One that passes all understanding.  We can feel Him in our homes and see Him in our lives everyday and  that is what  I need to get through these days.  

I came across this quote a while ago. It stuck with me and seems to keep true to what it says. He is going to blesses us and when He does it is going to be more than we could imagine. It is just hard to understand that when you are in the middle of it all. But I know that God is going to do what He promises me He will so I have to keep holding on to my faith and believe in Him.  That is what our family is leaning on in these times the belief that God is Who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do!! He is going to get us across this valley and He is going to do wonderful, exciting things for us if we just stay faithful to Him.  

The Latest Happenings

Graduation Cupcake (in case you can't tell it is a wagon:)

Tyler's Graduation Cupcakes

VBS 2011 It was favorite team night...We all had Giants on even Addy bear!

Memorial Day Flowers

VBS Hawaiian Night even Kolby wanted in on the action,  Can't you tell he looks thrilled?

Family Shot

Again...

Here it is our summer happenings, so far.  Not very exciting but figured I better share at some point in time. A lot has happened since that last post introducing Addy Cakes. I have been keeping busy in the kitchen and outside of it as well. I have done a few graduations, pictured above, some random Birthdays and some other occasions but haven't gotten tired of it yet:) That is a good thing.  We just got done with VBS last week and it was great to be a part of something with the kids again. It was hard, but good to start moving forward again.  Since Addy we have been taking a back seat with involvement with the church and was trying just to heal from all that happened at once.  It has finally become clear that now was the time God wanted to start using us again and so awkwardly we are struggling to find our spot. It is different and hard at times but it I know that if we stay faithful to what God wants then He will make it easier as time goes by.  We at least made it through and that is something that last year at this time I would have never been able to say.

We have been staying busy with work and random activities that keep us going.  This past weekend was Fathers Day and although it was hard we made it through and I can see the growth even looking back just one year. God has given us a lot to keep us busy and that is one thing I am thankful for.  It has been time for us to keep going and get back to what God has planned for us in the future. I am looking forward to see what that might be.  We, at times, feel like we are stuck in a holding pattern and no matter how hard we try we can't get out of it.  But to trust God that is what we are trying to do. 

Introducing...

Our new adventure

addy cakes

So here is the story.  A short but sweet one really:)  In my grief I turn to the one thing that makes me feel normal and happy. The one thing I have enjoyed doing since I was a child helping my Nan and Mom in the kitchen making cookies. Well eating more of the dough than making the cookies:) But I have grown up enjoying being in the kitchen creating new sweet adventures and so the next step in our life is one that is bring me back to that time of life were being in the kitchen is fun again.  

I have started my cupcake adventure and have enjoyed it so far. Of course I have only had one official paying gig. But with a few more lined up and business cards on the way I am praying this will be something God can use for His benefit and just allow me to be the baker in it all.  Here are some of our creations so far of course I have to thank Daniel  first because he is the best baking assistant around.  

The Peanut Butter Surprise ( my favorite) and Addy's too:)

The Mystery Cupcake

The Cookies and Cream (our first batch)

 

The Nutter Butter

 Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

 My Spring Lemon

 What Kolby does while I am baking:)

 And The official Cookies and Cream which are Daniel's favorite and all time recommended.

The Waiting

Be assured that if God waits longer than you could wish, it is only to make the blessing doubly precious.--Andrew Murray

I came across this quote a few days ago when I was a reading the book Why? by Anne Graham Lotz.  This book has been helping me through a lot of the thoughts I have had for so long but never have been able to, or known how to deal with them. There are so many whys in our life and when I think about it all I start to question not only why but also what. What am I suppose to do next? What I am going to do now? It has been a struggle none the less but as I think back to the past and where we are today I can only say that we are where we are because God hasn't left us or let go of us this whole time. He is there guiding us and without that guidance I don't know what life today would look like, but it wouldn't be what it is.  

He is there for us every step and He isn't going to let us go no matter what we go through.  It has been a struggle these last few months.  Wanting a baby and feeling let down when we don't get one. That is a scary and emotional journey that seems to have no end to it. I get very discouraged at times and lately I found my self doubt that it will happen again, that we will get that baby we pray for and dream of.  Why is my faith so small, and my trust lacking so much?  I don't understand it all and I can't help but feel like there is something I have done to create this. I know that isn't the case and as I call on God to help me He has proven to me time and again that it will all work out in His timing. His timing is perfect, He is never late or early always right on time. I need to hold to that when these moments of doubt hit and call on Him to be there and I know He will show up right on time.  

Here is one of my new favorite verses that has been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks. I can't wait to see God turn the impossible to possible!!

" The things that are impossible with people are possible with God." Luke 18:27

The Why's that Haunt Me

I lay my “whys?” before your cross,

In worship kneeling,

my mind beyond all hope,

my heart beyond all feeling,

and worshiping,

realizing that I in knowing you,

don’t need a “why”.

---- Ruth Bell Graham

 

Why?  I have a million of questions running through my mind and can’t grasp an answer to any of them.  That small word seems so crushing and huge right now and it seems to be the question I keep returning to on my journey through these times.  I don’t understand most of what is happening in my life.  I feel like I am walking blindly in the dark and have no direct guidance to where I am going I am just walking.  I have faith I understand that He is guiding me. He is leading me to the places I am going. He is leading me on this journey but the uncertainty of it all seem so overwhelming right now.  I just don’t know if I can handle much more.  The waiting is the hardest.  The long journey we have been on seems to only be accompanied by a stretch of waiting. 

 

I don’t like the waiting, the wondering if we will ever get to where we want to be. If God’s plans, which I truly believe are best, are that much different than ours that we are just on the wrong page and I just need to hold on.  I just don’t understand and with that lack of knowledge I am feeling like I am drowning in sorrow and grief yet again. 

 

The why’s of it all of life is so hard to grasp sometime I just want to be able to know for sure what the next step is. I guess that is faith not knowing the next step but trusting God does and will be taking it along with me.  I have been studying just random stuff but it all seems to be leading in the same thought.  I just have to trust. Don’t doubt just trust. I am sure that is the message He is sending to me so this is my journey. To trust in these moments. The moments when life doesn’t make sense, when I am in a place and don’t understand why I am here or what I am doing I just need to trust.  I don’t need to know all the details or the whys just trust He knows them and I need to just lean on that to get me through. 

Unexpected Grief

What a week. It hasn’t been all bad in fact it was pretty good most of it anyways.  Then all at once it happened. One incident that happened for a brief moment in my day made the rest of the day a struggle.  It’s funny how one moment can change the course of the rest of the day. It wasn’t that I haven’t had times like this before. We all know I have had a lot of time like this in the past 16 months but this moment caught me surprise, took my breath away and broke my heart all in one swoop.  Here is how it went down.

 

I was at work on a uneventful Thursday. I normally don’t work Thursday’s they are one of my days off but this week I was filling in for someone and was there doing nothing much at all.  I just got back from lunch and was anticipating the last hour of work to be smooth and hopefully quick sailing.  I just got settled in when out of nowhere this lady pops up at my station.  Not just any customer though one I haven’t seen since I started here. One I didn’t even know what a possibility of seeing.  I wasn’t even prepared.  It was a lady that use to go to our church it wasn’t just that it was something more. She had gotten pregnant at the same time I was with Addy in fact she was due less than a week after me.  So here she is someone that the last time I saw her I was pregnant and she was too. It just was odd and heart wrenching. To make matters worse in her arms was her little boy.  In her arms there he sat. In her arms!! It was heart wrenching.  Why? Could she be holding a boy 16 months later and all I have in my arms is nothing at the moment.  It was so hard to stand there and wait on her.  As I rushed through to try to get her out of my window as soon as I possible could before tears started streaming down my face, she reaches over and gives him a big kiss as if to rub it in.  I doubt that was what she was doing but it hurt. Reality can really sting at times. 

 

Needless to say I ran away and tried to hold the emotions back since I was at work and all. I did pretty good while at work but later it would come out.  I went on with the rest of my day determined not to let it get me down.  I might not have my daughter here to hold and kiss but one day I will be with her.  But that is one day not today and sometimes that reality of it is hard.  The rest of the day followed suit with this moment I am sure not allowing myself to deal with it fully when it happened just made it harder in the long run. But through out the night things were said and attitudes were had and on our way home from a late basketball game, I just unloaded on Daniel. He is so amazing at times like these he just holds me and lets me grieve through it. 

 

Its hard to deal with these times.  Its hard to remember when your in that moment that God has a purpose and  for whatever reason He saw it more fit to have Addy with Him than with us. But its all true. He is in charge, He understand far better than I can and He did this for a reason and I have to accept that and allow Him to use it however He seems fitting.  

On that note I have been reading another awesome book. This one is by Chris Tomlin, you might have heard of him.  It was written a few years ago but it is so good about worship and how to live the life of worship and how to be more efficient in it. I highly recommend it. It is called The Way I Was Made: Words and Music for an Unusual Life.  Anyways in it I came across this verse it is my new verse for the week. It thought it was pretty fitting, well of course it was God put it in my path at just the right time:)  

"You are good and do only good..." Psalm 119:68

A Wedding Tattoo

Its been an emotionally draining week for me. Not all bad most of it good.  We started the week out with Tim and Cindy's wedding on Sunday. It was a perfect day and I pray it was all they wanted it to be. It was a great time to celebrate what God has given us and what he has taken away as well.  At the end of the day I went to bed happy and excited for my brother and his new wife. I know God has great things in store for their lives together and am happy that Cindy was the one God gave to Tim and to us:)

There however was something, well someone missing that happy day and as the day went by, and I got tired I missed her more and more than every before.  By the ride home I was exhausted with a happy kind of tired and crying for the little girl that was missing that day. That is missing everyday but special days make it more apparent.  I am forever grateful to Cindy for incorporating Addy into the day. The gesture and though of it all meant more to me than anything. She had learned at some point in time that Daniel and I were wanting to do something for Addy on that day. We were going to do something slight and unnoticed by those who didn't know and didn't want to ruin any vision she had for her day.  Coming up with nothing I was kind of frantic by the end of last week. Giving up all hope that we were going to be able to find what we were in search for.  Friday at our sisters breakfast came the answer. Cindy had gotten us all Hello Kitty Tattoos to wear on that day.  It was a gesture and symbol of love I will never forget.  The day of the wedding the first thing I did was get Daniel's out and on him. I must say I never though he would wear a kitty tattoo but it looks so fitting on him I hate to see it wear off, which it hasn't even started to yet!!  As one by one at random times we put them on I started to feel like she was in the room with us.  I miss her so even still today and to have that symbol of love on each of the family members including our new sister showed me how much this little girl is loved even still. 

I will never get to have a day like that with my Addy she will never get married or have a family of her own, not on this earth. But the promise that one day I will be with  her and never have to say goodbye again gets me through these times of longing for her.  Another milestone has passed and another moment of remembrance for her from her family has passed. But to know that she isn't forgotten, that is the best thing a mother missing her child can have. 

More Than A Diet

"You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn North." Deuteronomy 2:3

Another week had passed and I once again was searching for a verse to study and place in my heart this week.  I know it is an odd pick and one that only God could have lead me to and give me the guidance on why this verse now at this time.  I have been struggling to lose my Addy weight for a year now. Although this time last year I wasn't succeeding due to the uncontrollable way I eat when I am emotional. I gained more weight after her than I did when I was pregnant with her. It was a hard road to be down and with a wedding and other events I want to be ready for approach I figured I need to give it a valiant effort once again.  So I started on Weight Watchers a month and half ago.  After losing the same 3 pounds about 4 times I decided I need to figure something else out. That was when I came across this book. It is called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I was very leery at first to get it. But after I sampled the book on my Kindle (which I love) I had to give it a try.  So I downloaded it and started reading it.

I must say it is has gone beyond my expectations it is pretty good and it actually gives Biblical implications and examples that helps me see it through a totally new light.  I don't feel shamed into this journey but see it as given God yet another piece of my life that I felt like I need to control.  It has helped me see things in a different light.  But anyways something I was reading in it yesterday got my attention and I couldn't get it out of my head.  She was talking about how we get stuck in these ruts of eating. In these bad habits and when we give up or have a bad day or just don't feel like struggling with it all anymore we revert to the old bad habits and end up back at the starting gate. I have done this many times in my life and get frustrated more and more when I wind back in the same spot.  Anyways she talks about this verse and how it can bring on a new way of looking at this struggle.

The verse was a statement from God to the children of Israel. After wandering for 40 years in the desert with out crossing into the promised land He tells them they need to stop all the games and all the wondering and just rely on Him and He even gives the proper time line, NOW.  As I look at this verse I am reminded of all the times I stand at the pantry door looking for something to take this pain away. Something to fill this void something just to sooth the ever so strong ache in my life. Something to sooth these aching, longing arms.  But I am looking at this and realize I am not going to find it in there.  No matter how hard i try.  I might find something that soothes for a moment but that is all. If I can learn to look to God at those times than maybe I can be filled for longer than any food will fill me with.  And along the way I will gain a closer stronger relationship with My Lord. What an amazing thought.  So here I go on another adventure. Although some how I think the effects of it are going to be far more life changing than just the way I eat.

Are We There Yet?

I can't help but find myself asking this question constantly to God. Are we at the spot you want us to be, the spot where we finally get to have a baby to hold and love?  So far I have been faced with the answer I haven't wanted to hear.  I want to be so close I want God to tell us it is Our time to be parents. Our turn.  But yet again I am reminded that His plans are better than ours. His timing is far greater than mine and I have to wait for that time to be right.  I don't like that part, the waiting it is so hard at times. I just want my baby to hold. I just want my Addy here to share life with.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately and realized I have defined myself as a grieving mother who desperately wants a baby to hold and to keep. But also a grieving mother who is learn to let go of things and let God take them out of my hands and into His.  That is a hard and tough lesson to learn and hard way to see myself but so much I have done in the last year and 3 months to the day has defined me as a mother that desperately wants her baby to be here with her.  I have come to realize though in the last few weeks that I need to make a change. I need to stop seeing myself and defining myself as only that. When I do that I am not just putting myself in this box but also God.  He is a part of me and He is grieving with me but that doesn't have to define who and what we are. 


So on that note I decided a few weeks ago to start memorizing a verse a week. That can't be that hard right? I have a whole 7 days to remember it and then move on to the next truth God has for me. It has been pretty amazing even in this short amount of time as to what God has lead me to learn. Look at my first 3 verses and tell me there isn't a pattern, something God is trying to scream to me obviously. 

Week 1

The Lord will work out His plan for my life. For your faithful love, oh Lord, endures forever. Don't give up on me for you have made me.
Psalm 138:8

Week 2

Indeed, the Lord will give what is good, and your land will yield its produce. 
Psalm 85:12

Week 3

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:19

Some good verses that God has put in my path the last few weeks. I am going to try to keep this up and post all my verses for the week so that I am some what accountable for them in some way. Maybe that will help me in this journey. It isn't easy but God is teaching me and showing me that He has it all worked out and putting my time lines on His plans doesn't work. 

Baby's Everywhere

Here I am at this place once again where I am confused, hurt and unsure of the path I have been on.  I haven't had a week like this in awhile. The moments they pass by but for the most part things are going good. I have gotten to place of acceptance of what has happened, or so I thought. But truth be told I am not and once again I find myself weeping on the inside and out for that precious little girl I miss so much.

My days have been getting easier with the occasional moments or times when I see, hear or smell something that might bring a memory back into my mind.  But I have been doing better.  Then it all hit me at once all in one week.  Things I haven't thought of things I haven't dealt with, new parts of this painful experience that I didn't even know I had.  New memories and feelings.

I can't help but ask God why I had to witness that. Why He didn't shield me from things that are going to hurt? I just don't understand why I had to hear what I did see what I did. Why?  Here is what happened this afternoon at work a lady from another department who is pregnant and due pretty soon started having back pains and was getting very uncomfortable.  I can't say that I don't envy her because in some sense I do. She works in the same building as her mom how nice would that be? I didn't even think of that being an option I always just wanted to live next door to mine but to work with her how handy.  Anyways as her mother announces to the whole floor that she is having these issues they are going to take her to the doctor my heart stopped. This was what we missed out on.

The apparent joy in the mothers eyes, the eagerness in the Grandmothers voice we missed all that joy.  My Mom was with me when I went into labor with Addy without her I would have panic and not known what to do but this was different. There was an excitement and a urgency I witnessed the other day that wasn't there with my little girl.  There was not rushing around no excitement in the air, just a heavy sense of dread of what was to come when our little girl was finally on her way.   I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I don't think anyone else was either. But we all knew that was what was coming and the excitement for that just wasn't there.

As these memories flood my mind I can't help but think I need to get out of this place away from all this. But as suddenly as it all comes about they were out the door and the ladies were buzzing with what ifs and excitment of what might be to come. That was more than I could stand.  I grabbed my stuff as quickly as I could and took off. If I had to stay another minuet in that space I think I would have lost it. As I step out onto the cold, hard icy ground tears pour down my face.  It is so painful I can hardly stand it.

I don't know why I have to witness stuff like that. Why I have to go through these experiences that everyone else just takes for granted but I did and I can't say I passed it with easy or even without being a little hurt. My heart is broken yet again for the little girl I am missing. My arms are aching once again for that little six pound baby to be in my arms. I just miss her with all I am and sometimes stopping to realize I still miss her as much as I do knocks me down and puts me in a place I haven't been i a while.

I know that this will pass. I know that I will be better with time, but I also know I am going to have these moment the rest of my life and that seems like such a big task to take on. One I defiantly didn't sign up for.  The rest of the week followed suit with hard moments and times. It seems like this week was all about baby's starting from Sunday on. Just faced with diffrent baby situations all week. It has been hard and I find myself yet again searching for His promises that He is going to hold on to us through this time. I know He is and will continue to but at times like these when life dosn't make sense and things are hard to grasp I have to cling to Him tighter.  Amongst my struggles this week two verses have been given to me two verses that helped me at the start of this journey.  The one that sticks out the most is this one given to me by my mom.  It just is fitting and perfect every day I deal with these emotions and question. 

"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.  He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good things from those who do what is right." Psalms 84:11 

The Bear

Its been a crazy few weeks with Christmas coming and going and the new year being here and started. I haven't had time to catch my breath and finally the day has come when I can sit here and write again. I am ready for the break however short it might be.  I still have Christmas decorations up and stuff scattered everywhere but all that will be there when until I am done.  Nothing big or eventful happened this Christmas, we didn't get to go to California this year since we needed to save vacation time up for the wedding.  That is always hard but left us to celebrate the first Christmas we would be home in our new house.  We decorated and did it all even though there was only 2 of us to enjoy it.  At times it was hard. Not being with family especially this year was hard. Not having Addy was harder.  I don't know just the fact that there should have been gifts for her under that tree she should have been the one here to enjoy all the traditions Daniel and I had wanted to start this year. But she wasn't and that was hard. We got through it not without some tears shed but in all it was a pretty good Christmas.

The next week was crazy.  Daniel has been waiting and wanting to have lasik done on his eyes for a long time and we finally made the appointment and the consultation visit with the eye doctor the week before Christmas. We didn't know it would be so soon but the Monday after Christmas we were scheduled to be in the city for the appointment Tuesday they were going to do it. It was all so quick but that was a good thing didn't give me time to think about what was really going to happen.

We got to the city Monday and went to his appointment stayed the night and Tuesday was the big day. I could tell as time got closer he was getting anxious and wanting it to just be done and over with.  As we enter the building I can't help but pray that God would let it all go well and that it wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone was taking it like it was no big thing and so I was going to do that as well.  We did pretty good the first few hours of waiting and being shuffled from one spot to the next wasn't too bad just being there helped the tension in us both be realised some.  Then they moved us into the room where they prepared him for the surgery.  He sits down they get him all squared away and drugged up and the next hour or so is pretty comical. I know that God was there the whole time with us. He keep showing me signs of Him everywhere I looked. It was comforting to know that even in this small thing He was going to get us through it and be there right next to us.

After a lot of time, some minor issues that set the procedures back even longer and a machine malfunction we were up and running again and getting closer to Daniel's turn. I wasn't to scarred not sure I wanted to watch the procedure but was given the opportunity if wanted.  I figure can't be that bad everyone else was watching so after they shuffle him into the room get him all ready I start to watch the screen and the procedure as they work on his eye. It is pretty amazing what they do and how quickly they do it. It was just amazing at how the procedure works and all. After getting one eye done I was done watching. I had the mechanic that had worked on the machine just prior to all this standing there telling me what was going on. I didn't really want the commentary but it was OK I had basically tuned him out at some point without even realizing it.  After the first eye was done i was through watching if I was going to get us home that night I couldn't be sick while doing it.  So I gathered our things and moved them to the next little waiting room. After that I stood watching through the window a safe distance from the TV.

I could see them working while Daniel laid there it was a scary few seconds watching him lie there helpless as they worked on his eyes.  As they work on him something catches my eye. Not sure what it is I look up from where he is laying and I spot it. 

It has been there the whole time for hours we have walked by this window countless times while working on other patients why hadn't I seen it before? Sitting on top of the laser machine with a perfect little purple scrub hat and mask on is a teddy bear.  Looking down on Daniel.  As soon as I see it i can't keep my eyes off of it but want to just run away and hide. Tears start to stream down my face and I am sure I looked like a basket case to anyone that saw.

How fitting is it of God to place that bear with that color on that machine so I could see it at that moment and be reminded that my baby and God were watching over Daniel.  Addy was in there watching her daddy get his eyes fixed.  It was  a moment I will probably never forget. One that I can't get out of my mind. That bear.  Not just the fact it was wearing purple hit me but with the work I have started on the bear project how much more fitting in this stage of life could that have been. I was overwhelmed and just tried to get through the rest of the time without bawling right there.

Daniel gets out of surgery we are done and are headed out the door finally!! We can barely get out the door before I break down and tell Daniel of the story of the bear. Through sobs of relief and feeling so loved I tell him his Addy was watching over him that night. It was a hard moment for me I had to regain some sort of composure before I pushed on and drove us home. As he sleep and I drove I just keep thinking of that bear, of what God did that night for me and every time I would thank Him and talk to Him I would just cry. It was a good trip home just me and God with Daniel asleep beside me.  it was time for healing but a time to realize that He hasn't forgotten about us. That especially through this hard time He was going to be there and walk us through like He always has before. 

Its still hard.  Some days I feel like I am losing control, my life is spinning past me as I am stuck in this off position.  But on those days when I am not slowed to a crawl I just have to try to hold on to these glimpse He is giving me of my baby girl and now that one day we will all be together again forever!!!