Unexpected Grief

What a week. It hasn’t been all bad in fact it was pretty good most of it anyways.  Then all at once it happened. One incident that happened for a brief moment in my day made the rest of the day a struggle.  It’s funny how one moment can change the course of the rest of the day. It wasn’t that I haven’t had times like this before. We all know I have had a lot of time like this in the past 16 months but this moment caught me surprise, took my breath away and broke my heart all in one swoop.  Here is how it went down.

 

I was at work on a uneventful Thursday. I normally don’t work Thursday’s they are one of my days off but this week I was filling in for someone and was there doing nothing much at all.  I just got back from lunch and was anticipating the last hour of work to be smooth and hopefully quick sailing.  I just got settled in when out of nowhere this lady pops up at my station.  Not just any customer though one I haven’t seen since I started here. One I didn’t even know what a possibility of seeing.  I wasn’t even prepared.  It was a lady that use to go to our church it wasn’t just that it was something more. She had gotten pregnant at the same time I was with Addy in fact she was due less than a week after me.  So here she is someone that the last time I saw her I was pregnant and she was too. It just was odd and heart wrenching. To make matters worse in her arms was her little boy.  In her arms there he sat. In her arms!! It was heart wrenching.  Why? Could she be holding a boy 16 months later and all I have in my arms is nothing at the moment.  It was so hard to stand there and wait on her.  As I rushed through to try to get her out of my window as soon as I possible could before tears started streaming down my face, she reaches over and gives him a big kiss as if to rub it in.  I doubt that was what she was doing but it hurt. Reality can really sting at times. 

 

Needless to say I ran away and tried to hold the emotions back since I was at work and all. I did pretty good while at work but later it would come out.  I went on with the rest of my day determined not to let it get me down.  I might not have my daughter here to hold and kiss but one day I will be with her.  But that is one day not today and sometimes that reality of it is hard.  The rest of the day followed suit with this moment I am sure not allowing myself to deal with it fully when it happened just made it harder in the long run. But through out the night things were said and attitudes were had and on our way home from a late basketball game, I just unloaded on Daniel. He is so amazing at times like these he just holds me and lets me grieve through it. 

 

Its hard to deal with these times.  Its hard to remember when your in that moment that God has a purpose and  for whatever reason He saw it more fit to have Addy with Him than with us. But its all true. He is in charge, He understand far better than I can and He did this for a reason and I have to accept that and allow Him to use it however He seems fitting.  

On that note I have been reading another awesome book. This one is by Chris Tomlin, you might have heard of him.  It was written a few years ago but it is so good about worship and how to live the life of worship and how to be more efficient in it. I highly recommend it. It is called The Way I Was Made: Words and Music for an Unusual Life.  Anyways in it I came across this verse it is my new verse for the week. It thought it was pretty fitting, well of course it was God put it in my path at just the right time:)  

"You are good and do only good..." Psalm 119:68