Endurance

"Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:3

What is Endurance? I know what the dictionary definition is it is the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. But what does it really mean in life? In our faith? As I was studying today I came across this word and for some reason my eyes just stopped on it.  When I think about endurance I think of a marathon. Runners pushing themselves to the limits to reach there goal and cross that finish line.  I think of the strength it takes to finish that race.  To finish... To endure is to finish that which we have started in a way.  We will only get to the finish line if we endure all that is waiting for us before we get there right?  I found this other definition and I really liked it, it says that endurance is the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships.  


The power of bearing pain or hardships.  That is so what it feels like we are doing right now. We are enduring the pain.  We are getting through this hardship, we are striving to finish this painful part of our lives.  We will always have the memories the times when it all seems to be too real to bear but to get through it and endure until the end that is what I am striving for.  The strength to keep moving even when I want to collapse and bury myself under all the pain.  God wont let me do that though.  Even when I try and want to He always pulls me up and gets me to a point where I can get back out there and run a few more steps. Even if now my endurance can only handle a few steps I want to take those because that is what God has planned for me.  


The best part of this is that He is the one that is allowing me to endure in the first place. Without Him I would have probably done just that, buried myself and not ever wanted to get out again. I would have taken myself out of the race permanently. But with God He knows that and He knows me, so He can help me when I reach those tough times.  I know there will be tough times ahead. I am sure of that but He is going to give me the strength and the confidence to endure those times.  That's all I need then.  


I found this verse by accident, well I now know that it wasn't an accident God wanted me to see this verse, but it wasn't even what I was looking up. Just another proven way that God is directing me to the places He wants me to be.  If I fall down, which I will, He will come pick me up.  That is an amazing thought and it gives me peace to move on and be able to live life the way He wants me to. To do what He wants me to do...now if I can just figure that part out:)

Special Weekend

It had been a special weekend of just fun and relaxing just me and my man.  That was so good to get away and just hang out with him.  We do alot together but its these special times I cherish the most.  Since Addy our whole perspective on things have changed especially special events or milestones.  We know try to celebrate it all because we never know when the last time we get to do that will be.  We celebrate birthdays and Mother's and Father's day now was the time to celebrate us. 

Its hard to believe that 7 years ago we said those vows and made that special day a reality.  Life goes by so fast and if 7 years ago you would have told me what was going to happen I would have still married him.  I am sure we would have made different issues involving having kids but other than that there isn't anything I can think of that we would do over again differently. It has been rough the past few months and a time to reflect on us and get back to just being us again was good. Although there is always something missing. Last year we went to the Zoo for our anniversary, with Addy. This year we went to a Redhawks baseball game and shopping!!

As we celebrate this day it is hard not to miss her. Hard not to think about what it would have been like. I am sure we would have still celebrated just with her here with us.  I had always dreamed of her watching our wedding video and getting to see that special day unfold with her own eyes but that is a corny dream and tradition that none of my children will really want to be accustom to I am sure.  Its just different.  As time goes by it starts to feel more and more like it is always just going to be the 2 of us.  Although I know God has better plans and it will all work out in midst of it all it is still hard to look to the future when there is a gaping hole in it that will never get fixed. 

But if we have days that need celebrated we are going to do that and make them special.  It might not mean anything to anyone else but to me it means alot.  Daniel has been by my side this whole time never letting go and that is all that I could have asked him to do.  He truly has surpassed all my dreams in that aspect and he does all he can to make me happy.  I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend this day with or to spend these past 7 years with. They have been truly amazing and an adventure.  I love him more now than ever and to see him live his feelings out for me everyday is all I ever wanted. 

So to Daniel thank you for the past few years.  It has been amazing and exciting.  Thank you for sticking with me through all this and understand, or at least acting like you do, when I am going crazy.  I love you and hope the next chapter in our life is just as good as this one.  I love you bunches. 

Johnny Depp Why Do You Haunt Me?

Another night and another chance to dream. Lately my dreams have been more strange than ever, starting with my dream at the lake when we were at home.  Here is the low down first. We haven't really watched a lot of movies lately. We use to be the ones that keep up with all the latest, had seen all the greatest ones but in the last year or more we just have been too busy or too tired to sit down and keep up with it all. There is more to life than that these days.  With that being said there is no explainable reason then why I am having these dreams but here they are.

The first one. I dreamed that while at the lake we ran into Johnny Depp, who I must add I have never really cared for.  He is pretty good at being a pirate but the last movie I saw with him in it was Crybaby and lets just say it wasn't as good as I remember it. But anyways so in my dream he came and picked me up from my parents house. We were going to go on a date. We decided to go to Long John Silvers since his hair is so greasy anyways eating extra grease wasn't going to hurt.  So we sat in the restaurant eating our chicken and fries, talking and having a good time.  We leave and he takes me home that was the extent of the date. We ate at Long Johns and went home how romantic right? 

Getting up the next morning I questioned if I had even had that dream since it was so off the wall.  Needless to say I had to share my dreams only because they make no sense to me.  On to dream two.

In the second dream, which I just had 2 nights ago, I had just started a cupcake shop.  I was busy all the time and had no time for anything but cupcakes. I had grand dreams about those cupcakes too. Maybe this diet is making me delusional or something. Anyways while at my shop one night getting ready for the next day of cupcake craziness there was a knock at the door. It was after hours it scarred me so I reached for a dangerous and oh so protective hand mixer to protect me if this was a boogie man.  I reach the door with mixer in hand and realize it is Johnny there he is again wanting to come in. So of course I open the door he comes in and wants some cupcakes to go.  I give him what I have left after a very long and busy day and that was that. 

The only question is why does he keep showing up in my dreams? I don't get it. It isn't like I have a start crush I don't even really like the guy. He is kind of creepy looking so why do I keep dreaming of him? And why do my dreams always involve food is that odd?  Anyways just thought I would share the inner workings of my scary dreams. I don't know why he is haunting me but if he shows up again I don't know what I am going to do.

Won't Let Me Go

" When my heart breaks and everything's shaking

I'm left alone in the rain,

You won't, you won't, won't 

You won't let me go

Life's insane and everything's crazy

You carry me through the pain

You won't, you won't, won't

You won't let me go..."  Addison Road, Won't Let Me Go, Stories

One of new favorite songs from a band that I love, the name might have something to do with it:)  I bought this new album yesterday after stumbling upon there single, Fight Another Day,  a few weeks ago.  This seems to bring alot of my emotions to life. This is exactly what I am feeling at this moment. Not only am I having to make the choice to fight another day and get up and battle life but I feel like life is crazy.  Our life, what we planed for was shaking away from us and there have been times I felt like I am left alone to deal with it all. But what the song says He won't let me go is true I believe that and I don't believe He has let me go to this day.  The only way I can get up and live life everyday is knowing that He is there to hold me and not let me go.

Its been a pretty emotional week. Not sure why. I guess just being tired trying to figure things out and just life has gotten to me.  I need a break from all this. I need some time to just be me again. I feel like I have changed so much I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want out of life I am just here. I don't know what to do next were to go next I feel like I am just standing watching the world around me go on with life, while I am stuck on this chapter in my life. I know I am making progress but at times it feels like I am progressing backwards rather than forwards.

I know it is time to start living life again. Getting back to a normal state. If there ever will be one. Nothing will be normal after something like this. Every aspect of our lives have changed and I find myself struggling to find that new normal. Maybe I have found it and just need to settle into it and except it.  I need to except it for what it is and not long for it to be anything more than what I have in front of me. One day it is going to be different. But until then I can hold on to the truth that He isn't going to let me go, no matter how hard or rough it gets he is going to hold on to me and not let go.

Father's Day Came and Went

Fathers Day a day I haven't even really thought about much lately.  It kind of came too suddenly. I wasn't prepared to say the least. I don't know why it surprised me so much. It wasn't like I hadn't thought about it, I had. I even got Daniel a few things and then the day came and it totally blindsided me.  I woke up feeling ok but as the day moved on it got harder and harder to deal with the emotions building up inside.  I eventually couldn't take it and broke down a few times. It is just so hard to have these time. 

It was a different experience than Mothers day. Of course it probably should be.  The emotions and feelings weren't as raw although they were still in the front of my mind all day and they were raw just a different kind of feeling.  I thought more about the impact this was having on others, the men in my life that is effected. My husband my father my brother. Although most of them don't show it I know what each one feels.  I can see it in there eyes when I start talking about Addy. I can sense the shared pain.  It sounds weird but in a way it makes it seem a little less harder when I see that.  I know i am not alone. 

It is hard when you were the only one to experience this person. I was the only one that actually got to feel her, hold her and carry her for those nine months. The only one that got to have the physical bond with her being a part of me.  But even still these men don't deny the fact that they held her too just in a different way.  It's overwhelming to think that they are struggling with this on there own levels. I know what I am dealing with but what about them?  Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is going through this. I feel like I am dealing with this daily pain alone. But I know that isn't the case and I can sense that when I am around those that I love.

I think that is why this is so hard for me. Being away from my support group is the hardest. I feel like I am a million miles away from those that are going through this and understanding it the most with me.  As everyone else has forgotten about it or just written it off as something that no one can understand. They don't comprehend the life that was lost.  The don't grasp the severity of my heart ache. The just don't get it.  But I know that there are few people that will.  But I also know there are a few people that do and that try to help me with my search for peace, my search for finding a place of happiness and acceptance.

I know that there are going to be more days like yesterday. More events more times that are going to be hard. Special events that I looked forward to her being here and without her just seems like there is an empty hole. But I know that I do have my support group and even though most of them are 1500 miles away I know that they understand my pain, feel for me and pray for me everyday and that is all I can ask for.  I am truly blessed to have them and without them I would have never gotten as far as I have.  But for them I want to say, don't give up on me. I will one day be able to deal and cope with this loss and move forward with things. But be patient like you have and keep praying that is all that gets me through. 

A New Day

It is a new day, and lots of opportunities to make it a good one.  That is my goal anyways we will see how it goes.  The last few days have been a little better since my last post. Not as many breakdowns, a few but not as many. I guess that comes with the territory of being so far away when you get back you have to grieve the family left behind.  I am sure glad Heaven isn't going to be like that. We will probably want our family to be with us but it wouldn't be hard like it is here.  I know I am looking forward to that day when I get to see my Addison again.  Some days that is all the keeps me going and sane it feels like. 

But I have decided to work out my thoughts. I have so many blogs posted over the course of this journey we have taken and I want to organize them and maybe make them into a book.  Even if it never gets published or seen outside of my family's eyes I am thinking it will help me.  So I got the notion yesterday to print them all out. I have been saving the blogs that are about Addy and my struggles and happy times and have put them in a folder on my computer. I went to print them out to see what I had and was shocked to see I have over 150 pages already.  Of course not all of it will be what I use but I like the fact that I did that.  Just praying for God to walk me through this journey and we will see what happens at the end of it all.  I know God has been trying to convince me I can do this for awhile now its just I am the least likely person who should be writing anything let alone a collaboration of ideas. But that is what is so unpredictable with God He will allow you and walk you through all sorts of things you would never think possible if you let Him.

I will keep you posted on the ventures of this adventure and let you know all the stuff that happens. Just wanted to thank all that actually do read this and thank you for all the support and prayers especially. Without the hope and love of others there is no way I could have gotten through some of these times. I am sure there will be more to follow to so don't stop Praying:)  Thank you all. 

Days of Grief

Our Addy...

As I sit here thinking about our precious baby girl I can't help but have a tear in my eye.  I miss her so much.  Especially on special days, like when Allie got her degree or when we took what would have been her first trip to Yosemite.  Just stuff like that makes me feel empty like something is missing from all the pictures we took.  All the places we went  there was one thing missing. One thing we can't replace.  Its just hard sometimes.  This weekend I know is going to be one of those times.  Maybe not as bad as Mothers Day was for me but I am sure at some point during the day I will grieve that fact that Daniel is missing his baby too.

As we face these hard times and days ahead it is all I can do from coming to a stand still and not wanting to move forward with anything.  It is just so hard and I know that there will be harder days even still to come. But at times I don't want to move on without her.  I know we have no choice we can't choose to just stay still and not move because even if we choose that the world around us is still going and eventually we will have to catch up to it and I really don't want to have to do that.  So we trudge forward. Some days with a heavy heart and tears in our eyes because we miss her so much.  This week seems to be a week for that, tears in my eyes.

I can't stop thinking about her, how much I want her here with me.All the if only's going through my head.  If only she were here, if only I could hold her again if only...  That gets us no where and I understand that in my head but to wait for my heart to catch up with it that is the hard part.  I find myself avoiding her room avoiding the suitcases on the floor in there that still need unpacked.  Avoiding going in there because if I do the emotion will sweep over me again. I just avoid it and seem to do OK, until I realize I am avoiding it and that makes me even more upset. Just not a winning situation right now for me.

I figured I was past this, figured this wouldn't be so hard on me. But even picking out a Fathers Day card i had to stop and leave because I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes.  Is it always going to be this hard? Will I always have this empty space in my heart and life were my baby girl should be? Probably but as I learn of new ways to cope with it I also face new aspects of this struggle.  Some days I just don't even think I can move on today is one of those kinds of days. 

Back Again

Here I am back again after a few days of fun and laughter hanging out with my family on the lake and at home. It was so much fun and I am so thankful we had a chance to share in that special day with Allie, as she got to celebrate her new accomplishment of being a College Graduate.  I am so proud of her and thankful she is my sister.  It was a special day one I will not soon forget.

The time went by way too fast and I find myself longing for it to have lasted longer.  I always want my time with family to last longer though.  Just doesn't seem fair we have to always find ourselves saying goodbye I hate goodbyes.  But after a long day, some flight delays and a unexpected stay in the city we headed back to our little spot.  Its good to be home in a way. Get back to what is normal I guess. But It is always so hard to do this part. The healing part after a trip. I enjoy it so much and when we get back I feel like I am deflated and left grieving once again. I don't know being away helps put a new perspective on a lot of things and gives me a lot to think about. Like what to do next.

I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to be a Mom first and foremost but for some reason I feel like that isn't all I need to figure out what else I want to be and get on it.  After throwing around a lot of ideas on our trip nothing really just hit me, well maybe the palm reader idea intrigued me for a minuet but that was all:)  I am now left to figuring it all out. Figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. What hobby I want to make into a passion or what one thing I want to do to change the world:) Still thinking, waiting and praying for it to hit me. 

We did have an awesome time with family though and although it is back to being here and not there we will manage life some how. With just a few adjustments and a lot of laundry behind me we have a new day and a new week to discover and figure out what Gods plan for my life right know is.  I don't want to be a grown up maybe that is why I can't think of anything to do or be:)