A Diffrent Kind of Day

I had a different kind of day today. It started out like all the others have lately. I have gotten into a good rut and I like it there. I got up worked out, ate breakfast, did my computer work and headed out with Kolby for our walk. A lot to do but I love that my mornings are so planed, i don't have to think about it.  After breakfast yesterday I had sat down to make the long list of phone calls that I had been putting off. I had a lot of just maintenance stuff but one that wasn't.  I was going to call the photographer that the hospital recommended to see if he could do some work on Addy's pictures.  They aren't bad as is but if he could help that would be great. I called Monday but they were closed so I got the nerve to call again yesterday determined i had waited long enough.  I called and he said no problem just bring the disk in and they would see what they could do.

Then the debating with myself started. Was I really ready to do this. Take these pictures that were so precious to me. The ones I look at constantly to remind myself that she was real.  Can I take them out into the world and show a stranger my precious baby?  Would he cringe, think it was gross that I have these or would he be understanding. It was just so hard to want to go. But I decided I was going to do it. Being hard hasn't stopped me lately so I got ready got in the car and took them over there. It wasn't as bad as I pictured. He did have to pull them up on a giant computer screen and seeing them so up close was hard for a few seconds but then I just did what I have learned to do. I just took a deep breath prayed for God to get me through and not fall apart until I left and He did.

After that I was feeling better than expected.  I didn't burst into tears or even shed one actually. I had a peace that I was doing the right thing. Getting this done is going to mean so much to me so it was worth it.  I got in the car and decided I was doing ok I needed to do the one more thing that has been on my list that I have been putting off for 6 months now.  I was going to go pick up Addy's death certificate.  That was going to be hard.

  As i pulled into the funeral home parking lot, just happens to be the same spot we pulled into last time we where there, I felt a reluctance to go inside but made my self do it.  Went in picked it up and was off.  Still not as bad as I thought. God was giving me the strength to get through this all. He was there I could feel His presence and to me that was enough.  I didn't look at it, I didn't want to but when I got home I decided to read it just to see what it said.   It had all the basic info on it and as I scanned it something caught my eye and I had to laugh.

There under Daniel's name in the box marked place of birth it listed California as being his birth spot.  I just laughed that was funny to me.  I want to go back so bad and so I had to call him and tell him that he is just in denial even Addy says we need to go home:)

It was nice that there was something I could laugh about at a time like that. It was hard and I will admit if I didn't have plans later that afternoon I would have probably fallen apart thinking about it.  But I feel like that was the final step in doing what needed to be done. I have the certificate, the pictures are in the process I can breath.  I still miss her everyday. I still long to hold her.  I still want to hear her voice or see her smile just once but all that will come in time. In a better place and a better time.

I did get her doll finally. It is small and cute, with the verse that has helped me so much through this on her belly.  I like it, it was worth the wait.  One day I will get pictures up of her.  Until then I will just keep pushing along trying to get done what I can and remembering my Addy in everything I do.

A New Day

After yesterday and the day I had I was just sure today was going to be no different. It seems that days like that come in groves and then they are gone as quickly as they come and I am back to being ok with the terms I have been given.  But today wasn't how I expected. I woke up feeling like I had sleep which is good, it hasn't happened in a while that I actually wake up and feel energized.  I got up did my routine and in the midst of it all found something that made me cry but happy all at the same time. Thought I would share it.  

Although this isn't a new verse or even one I haven't read over a million times it is one that really made me think today about what God is promising us.  It is 1 Peter 5:10

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." (NAS)

I just loved it He is going to not only perfect and strengthen me but also establish what He wants me to do for Him.  I don't know it just made things seem like there was a purpose for us to go through this. And all though it is hard and will be for a while He is going to one day make us different than we where when we first entered into this journey.  He is going to make it worth the struggle.  I got to looking at it and wanted to see what it said in other versions, so i picked up Daniels bible he uses the New Living and his always has a different take than mine. I liked the way it phrases the last part it said:  " He will restore, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on firm foundation." 

Just what we are wanting He is going to deliever. He is going to set us up on a firm and solid foundation where we woulnd't feel wobbly and weak any more.  There is something in this that just made me laugh and cry all at once. The promise of God to get us through this is all I need to lean on. He is the one that brought us to this place and He is walking us through it a step at a time.  I just can't wait for the good part when He puts our feet on solid ground and we can stand firm in our foundation that He is laying for us.  It makes these hard times seem like they are worth it, I can't give up, even though I feel like it at times becasue He has something amazing for us.  Something worth the while in store. Even if I don't ever see it on this earth one day I am going to and that will be amazing.  The most amazing part my little Addy is going to be there with me witnessing it all as well:)

A Blue Kind of Day

I knew it was coming. I knew I was going to have a day like this sometime, it has been awhile. But I am never prepared when they do come. Although I am grateful that they are a lot more farther in between these days it just seems like a step in the wrong direction every time. I am just kind of there all over again.  I don't know why, I went to bed last night with the feelings starting to stir inside me. Although I sleep I woke up exhausted and like I had been fighting all night. I was just drained. I still feel that way as I sit here typing this, with tears streaming down my face. I just don't understand why.  I don't know why this has to happen. Why we have to face this the rest of our lives, some days it just seems like too much to bare.  I am permanently the mother who lost a child and that is so hard to swallow on days like today.  I am sure the gloomy weather outside doesn't help with the feelings either. The outside matches my insides once again, and once again I am left wondering if we are ever going to see daylight again. 

I know we will. I know we are going to get through this and it woulnd't be so hard but I hate days like this. I can't help but cry and want to just curl up in bed and stay there all day. I just have no energy or motivation to do anything.  Even Kolby feels it he has been sleeping all day but wouldn't leave my side to do it. Laying on the floor at my feet snoring as I am typing. It has effected us all and the pain is just so raw yet again.  I miss my baby!! 

As the day goes on it gets hard to deal with. It is just one of those days.  I know one day we will be able to get past all this, i sure hope anyways. At least these days arn't as close together and I can at least cope most of the time but on days like today there is nothing better for me to do than lying in bed with Kolby by myside and cry. Knowing that tomorrow will be a new and better day and slowly I will get out of this slump and eventually be out of this constant sorrow I feel.  One day I get to see her again if only that one day where today...

The Mean Farmer

I have a story to tell. It isn't that amusing to me but when I told Daniel he thought it was pretty funny.  I didn't find it funny maybe I am too close to the situation.  Here is what happened.  Today as I was riding my bike I decided to take a new path. I got the courage up to ride across the highway to roads I haven't yet been on. From the looks of them they didn't look very challenging and being new and inexperienced at this whole bike thing I decided I didn't want something too challenging anyway I was in that kind of mood.  So as I headed out I knew the first mile would be pretty easy. I have road that before a lot and it is the most flat land around so it wasn't too difficult.  As I crossed over and started peddling I realized that looks from a mile away are very deceiving. As I ventured on I hit a few hills that were pretty hard to climb but I didn't turn around I push myself and made it up each of them.  Feeling pretty good about the ride I keep on riding.  When I finally look up to be faced with a big hill.  I figured I could do it why not. 

As I started on the venture up the hill I was determined to not give up until i reached the top. As all my leg muscles started to hurt and my pace slowed to a crawl I wasn't going to get off I was going to reach the top.  I think a few caterpillars might have raced me, I am sure they won with great speeds but I finally made it and was relived and exhausted.  Stopping for a break I see a white farm truck out of the corner of my eye slowing down beside me.  I am hesitant to take my ear buds out afraid I might have to talk to whoever was inside that truck.  But as the truck slowed to a crawl this old mad rolls down the window.  He says out of a chuckled smile "You finally made it up that hill.  I though for awhile I was going to have to push you with my truck to make it.  Why don't you try that hill down there I think you could make it too." (Pointing to what looked like an ant hill from were I was standing.) I politely chuckled with him, as he is now in a full blown out laugh at me.  I was oblivious to the fact there was car behind me, he could have went around me why did he find this so funny.  Winded I just chuckled he drove off and I was left there with my legs sore and out of breath and now I was mad. 

Some people. Haven't they ever heard the phrase if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all?  I don't care if they are old. If he is from a diffrent generations where people act and are diffrent. I am sure he probably didn't mean it the way it came out, but thinking about it he probably did.  Old people think they can just say whatever they want and it not have any recorse.  I don't know it really bothered me.  I wanted to just hand him the bike and see if he could do it any better than I could.  Although doing that he probably would have been able to make it up in lightning fast time or, he would have died of a heart attach trying. 

I am sorry I know I should be nice to old people but sometimes its just so hard.  Needless to say I was pretty upset about it all. It gave me enough energy thought to make it the 2 miles back home with the wind facing me.  It was the motivation I needed to get me through.  Just funny how I am fine being in my own world but when people want to enter it and be mean I just don't face that like I use to.  I guess moral of the story next time I want to face a big hill I should look behind me to make sure there are no white trucks coming my way. 

Addy's Tree

Daniel's Mom and stepfather decided they wanted to buy us a tree in honor of our little girl.  That way we can watch it grow since we don't have her here to watch grow.  I loved the idea and was thrilled when they told us about it.  That was in November after it all happened I was still in shock. But when she called a few days ago to say they were going to bring Addy's tree by I couldn't help but get excited. We were so anxious to see it and to plant it.  We were able to plant it together last night. It was a group effort but it looks perfect where it is placed. By the road in front of our house for anyone that passes by to  see.  I am so happy that we have this little tree to look out on and see it and remember our baby girl.  I still miss her and even though a tree can't and wouldn't replace her it is still a great gift one that I am truely grateful for.  It even has purple blooms, how perfect is that!!! It was made to be Addy's tree. 

Addy's Stone

This is Addy's Stone. I love the way it turned out and the fact they were able to get her whole name on it.  Her father took the special time to set it and make sure it was positioned just right so all can see our special little girl.  The ladybugs are for Addy's Nana beacuse she is Nana's JuneBug.

My Dream

I had a dream the other night, I think those hot wings we ate had got to me or something. It was quite abnormal as are the majority of my dreams, or so people tell me.  I don't know why I dreamed it but I though I would share it.

It started out with Daniel and me being at my parents house. Well we weren't at there house but our house which happened to be near theirs. We were moving in and it was an exciting day.  I was so happy to finally be home. Finally after all these years I got to fulfill my dream and live near my parents it was one of the best days of my life.  As we started to unload a bunch of people from our lives started to show up to help. They were all excited for us and it was just a good day of fun and the hustle and bustle of moving day.  As the day passed on it was time to eat.  Yes, we do that in my dreams i even dream of the food and can smell it most of the times, people say that is weird but to me that is normal.  Anyways we all sat on the grass in the front yard eating hamburgers from In N Out, i love those things.  As we ate we all were just joking and having a good time when all of a sudden we looked up in the sky to see a grouping of something descending down.  Getting excited we all though it was Jesus coming back for us. Not wanting to miss any of it I ran inside and grabbed my camera. ( I never said my dreams made seance or were even Biblical just to make that clear.) I was going to get a picture of Him as He headed down to take us home, for my scrapbook of moving day of course.  What a better ending right? As the group got closer and the pictures became to come into focus a little more we all realized it wasn't Him it was just a group of mouths flying around my head. That was a disappointment to us all but we continued on with the day.

As the dream got more intense I started to see what the new house was going to look like. We even had an Addy room in it painted just like her room here. We just couldn't have a house without one so we made sure that was in place before we even started the moving process. It was quite a cute little house and I just couldn't help but feel so happy and relived, we were finally home, I remember telling Daniel that and he just shrugged at me as he was moving boxes.

That is were it all ended, I felt a scratchy little paw reaching for me and telling me it was time for him to go out.  So as I get out of bed and head to the door I start to recal my dream funny how my mind can make things up out of thin air like that. It was so funny to me as I stood there half asleep I hear a loud nose that shook me out of what little sleep was left in me.  It was Daniel shutting the bathroom door.  Funny how simple noises can shake me so much. 

Anyways that was my dream it was weird, makes no sense but thought it was funny and wanted to share it. I don't know why just because I guess. I guess the moral of the story is when Jesus comes back dont' reach for the camera it isn't going to go with us:) 

Addy's First Easter

Am I glad that Easter is over.  Not that it was a bad day just a hard one.  I sure miss her on days like that.  Being away from family sure dosn't help the situation any at all. But we got through it.  With a few minor meltdowns and time with friends.  It was hard but we are still here after it so we have to move on. 

I woke up yesterday feeling like I did the day of her service. I just dreaded the day, dreaded what was to come and what I had to face her first Easter without her. It was hard after having  a meltdown because I didn't have any purple to wear I decided I wasn't going to sing in the choir. I had went to practice knew the songs and never even thought about what kind of day I would have until it arrived.  I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even get dressed without crying not a good sign.  So we went to church.  Daniel sang while I sat and watched.  To be honest I was glad when that was over so he could come and sit next to me and put his arm around me, not just because it was freezing in there, but because I needed him.   After church we headed home to start our own Easter dinner traditions.  He cooked Tenderloin on the grill he says it was like heaven, not sure I would go that far but it was good.  Then our friends arrived so we could hunt eggs with there daughter.  That was fun she might only be a year and half but she rocked at finding those eggs.

It is times like these that I realize I have to invest in a video camera before our twins get here:) Its kind of funny how that keeps coming up. Mom dreams about them, Daniel talks about them out of the blue with his Dad, I dream about them. I am seeing a pattern and getting concerned, but whatever we do get blessed with when we are ready for another one it will be wonderful.Twins or not I am getting closer to wanting another one.

After hunting eggs becomes no fun any more we decide to watch a movie and chill. That is basically what we do for the rest of the day. It was nice.  Once our friends leave it is Daniel and I all over again.  Not to mention I am tired which is never a good coping skill for me.  After they leave I walk into the bedroom and as I am walking out her room catches my eye. Not sure why I have her door open all the time it has gotten to the point it dosn't really bother me it is just her room. But I walk in there and I just start to cry not sure why but I can picture all her stuff where it was going to be. I could picture her Easter Dress hanging back up in the closet after a day of wearing it, I could just sense her and it all hurt just too much. I just stood in the door way crying. Daniel finally came to check on me frozen I couldn't move he puts his arms around me and we deal with the pain together.  It is just so hard to be left.

I know she was celebrating in a grand and glorious way.  I am sure she was beautiful just like she always is but to me the separation between here and there is almost too much sometimes. I just feel so overwhelmed and sad that she isn't here to celebrate with us.  I don't understand it, I am not going to act like I do but for whatever reason she was meant to go before us and that means facing all these days head on without her.  After sleeping last night and getting a new day to start out all over again. I feel relieved that, that day has passed. I know there will be plenty more of those days and that it will always feel like someone is missing, always.  But I also know we will get through them just like we did this one, holding each other and allowing God to hold us as well. 

No Joke

I have been inspired to ride my bike this week. We started Monday night went on a little ride with Miranda and Ally that night and then Tuesday we went for a 2 mile ride. That was fun, really I am not being sarcastic or anything.  Then last night Daniel and I hopped on our bikes again and went on another little excursion, I am loving it. Although I have never been a good bike rider it is fun.  You talk to my family and they can tell you tales of all my bike riding experiences when I was younger.  The main one being I had no sense of balance so I crashed into a lot of things.  Being the creative kid I was I blamed in on the bike, It just took me there:)  Well I am proud to say I have gotten back on a bike after all these years and have realized I have a little bit more skill than when I was younger.  Ok, maybe not much I still can't turn corners to save my life especially if we are going down hill, Daniel don't laugh.  But still I am excited to be able to start on this new exercising adventure it will be fun. 

So here is the part that I just had to tell everyone. As I got on my bike this morning to go for a ride before the storm blew in, which probably wouldn't happen but wanted to cover all bases in case it did, I looked down at my pedals.  I notices something on them before but just figured it was some type of manufacturing sticker didn't really pay attention.  Well I saw them again today so I bent down a little lower to see what they were. No kidding on the pedal was a sticker with a L and a R on them. I had to just laugh right then and there. A bike built just for me.  I don't even have to wonder if I am doing it wrong it is fool proof!!

It reminded me of growing up when my Dad decided to put those same letters on my shoes. Even though they were there didn't mean I got it though. I liked to wear them on the wrong feet I was use to it:)  In fact I might still have a pair or two like that:)  It is going to be inevitable that our kids are going to be the kids walking around with their shoes on the wrong feet.  The people will blame it on them but as soon as they are able to talk the truth will come out. People will then know when Mom dressed them.  I am not joking.  The other day when I was putting on Ally's shoes for her if it wasn't for the 18 month old telling me which foot they went on I was seriously heading for the wrong one.  So you see that is why this is so funny to me.

It was ment for me to have this bike.  It is perfect that the pedal have road maps on them for me:)  Althought it would be kind of hard to ride a bike backwards the handle bars wouldn't be in the right spot that would be a major tip off even I could understand that one:)