Yuck...Bad Weather

The weather outside is so dreary. Cold, blowing snow accumulating ice on the ground. It is so bad even Kolby, our spoiled beagle, doesn’t want to get out in this stuff. He sits at the door and just stares longingly at the outside world. I know if it was not so cold he would be out there all afternoon sniffing and having a good time hunting whatever it is he gets a hint of. But to have to sit in the house it is so depressing sometimes even to our pets:) This weather just makes it hard to deal with situations. It just matches the feeling on the inside of us to the feeling outside and it makes the sadness seem to stay around a little longer than normal.

I have gotten into a pretty good rut these last few days. I haven't had problems sleeping the last few nights, only because God has given that to me. I have been taking a nap in the afternoon and getting a lot done in between. But days like today seem to slow all of my progress to a halt and I am stuck in my darkness of grief yet again.

Grief is so much like the winter weather patterns. Just like stormy days, I have days i don't want to get out of the house. I want to stay locked up in my own space sometimes, it is all I can do to crawl out of bed. Just like those cold mornings when staying in bed seems to be the better option I have hit days where that is the better option. Then there are days that God gives us the ability to cope. To get up and enjoy His Son. But then there are days were nothing seems to happen you are just stuck in a numb state. I don't like those days. I would rather feel the pain and be aware that something is wrong then go on like it never happened. I can't forget my Addy so to try to act like she wasn't here I just can't do that.

Its funny how when weather hits that is dreary and bad people freak out. I try not to if we get stuck we get stuck. I lived in the mountains of California were they get snow storms, I know there are parts that get snow aren’t you amazed:) But I don't remember people freaking out about it. I am sure there was the sense of frantic last minuet runs to the store but as a kid I never realized it. But today I found myself doing that same thing. Running out to the store last minuet to grab some stuff we wouldn’t have wanted to get caught without. As I was out i decided to prepare to be stuck inside so I went to the movie store to get something to watch. To catch up on all the chick flicks we have missed out on.

As i stood in the long line at the movie store holding my year old selections I couldn't help but hear the conversations going on around me. Why God puts things in my path at just the wrong moments, or at least I think they are, I will never understand. As I stood there checking out the clerk reminded me about the special deals they were having. I wasn't interested. Then the conversation turned to one movie in particular. A movie that came out not long after Addy, about a girl who was born for the sole purpose to help her sister stay alive. I haven't watched, don't ever plan on it but the clerk was telling how I just had to get it. I politely declined and as she continued on about how she cried because her sons were so similar in age to the girls in the movie and stuff I just stood there. Until she asked me the question I have been able to dodge for the past two months. The question that has haunted me from the day I found out that my baby was no longer here with us. How many kids do you have? How do I answer that. I suddenly just lost my breath. To tell a perfect stranger I have one but she is in heaven how do I get past that? I did what any grieving mother would do, I think, I just looked at her. Tears welling up in my eyes and the pain all to aware on my face. I told her politely I have one but she isn't with us right know. That is what I left it to and grabbed my movies and headed out into that cold, snow blowing day. At that moment the weather matched my feelings.

I think sometimes God gives us the perfect weather. He has used it many times to show us His goodness from the sun. But He also gives me days to protect me from things. I might be reading into it but I believe He has put this storm in our path to allow us to hold on to her for just a little longer. I have been dreading Friday all week. The day we were going to stop at the cemetery and place her headstone on her grave. I think God knows i am not ready for that. He has given me a chance to get ready and breath before i have to face that and for that I am grateful to Him. He knows me, he knows my heart and my fears. He knows me and loves me that much that He will do what it takes to make things happen in His timing the right time.

As long as we keep trusting in Him and relying on Him to help us through these times He is going to continue to show me that He loves me and that He will help me through it all. Even through those awkward questions, and storms. He is going to be there with me holding me just like He is holding my Addy.

Birthdays

Its funny how you don't really get the meaning of birthday until you become a parent.  Although at times I still don't feel like a parent, I know I am one and my thoughts have shifted to those more like, gasp, my mothers:) She always made a big deal about our birthdays. Getting the birthday tablecloth out even when I am not there I know she still celebrates in some way. It was nice growing up because you never knew what to expect but you knew mom would make it special.  I understand that celebration a little more know that I have an additional birthday to celebrate. Even thought she wouldn't be here to celebrate with us just like mom we are going to make a big deal about it. November 11 will always be our Addy's day and we will always do something to make it special.

But here on my birthday...it just doesn't seem the same. Although last birthday I was only praying for us to have a baby by this time. Never knew what was going to happen and the whirlwind of events that last year brought to our whole family.  It seems like now is a good time to reflect back on what God has done. What He still is doing in our lives.  We defiantly couldn't have gotten through all these tough times without Him.  He has given us another year, well at least another day to follow Him and do what we need to, to connect deeper with Him.  We might not get the chance to celebrate another birthday so we must celebrate each like it is our best one yet. Although it is just one day and time fly's so quickly it will be over before we know it, I realize we must celebrate.

Nothing big, nothing fancy, just a small celebration dinner with friends and then a night home waiting for the bad weather to hit.  We are planning on going to the city this weekend, if the weather cooperates, and go to a Thunder Basketball game. It will be nice and it will be fun to get out of town, if we get out.  Nothing extravagant or eventful but to spend time with friends and my husband is all I could ask for to make it a good birthday.

The Stone

Here is the reality of my life hitting me square in the face again.  This weekend we got a call from a fellow friend. He informed Daniel that the sandstone they had ordered for Addy's grave was in.  Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful to the people who took the time and the effort to order it and all the efforts it took to get it for us. But I knew we were going to have to face it and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. 

After a particularly hard weekend Sunday evening came and the time to meet up with them to get the stone fastly approached.  I was so grateful that they decided to do it quietly and without me knowing what was going on.  As we headed to the car to venture home after small groups i was putting stuff in the back seat of the car and in the back window I saw the reflection of that stone.  Immediately I felt like all the air in my lungs had deflated,I couldn't breath and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  To see her name written on that stone, to see its reflection in our car.  In the very window I dreamed of her sitting and looking out.  It just broke my heart all over again.The reality of life without our baby was crushing.  It was so hard to see her name written on that stone. It was so agonizing to me to see that this was our reality. This is what really has happened and this is all we have to show our baby was here. A stone with her name on it.

That stone is so precious but also so hard to look at.  When we got home I was still in tears gasping for air. Daniel ran into the house and grabbed a towel before I could get in the door. I meet him in the door way. I could see what his though process was. He was going to cover it up so i wouldn't have to face it every time I open the back of the car.  I quickly stopped him. I didn't want him to cover it up. I am not ashamed of our daughter and I am not afraid to see that reminder this week.  I know he was just wanting to help me. So I wouldn't have to face that every time I got in the car, but I think I need to.  This is just another spot along this journey that I have to rely on God to give me the strength to face it.  Friday we are going to go put that stone on her little grave.  I will inevitable fall apart but that is ok. I have learned through out this experience it isn't always a bad thing to cry.

But i got to thinking about it.  I now know how all of Jesus' friends felt when they rolled that huge stone over his grave.  I understand the symbol of that stone far greater now than ever before.  The victory of that stone being rolled away.  The great sign that He was no longer dead.  That story has played in my mind a lot over the past few days. Its funny how sometimes it takes real life events for me to catch on to things I have heard about my whole life. I don't' know how many times I have heard that story told but until it took a true form to me it was just a story.  But the sorrow that Mary was feeling when she went to that tomb I understand that.  I can only imagine the fear that struck her at first and then the joy she felt after she had learned the truth. I can see this happening in our situation. Not that Addy is going to come back but that we had to let her go but God isn't letting go of us. He is sitting on that stone waiting to tell us that she is alive with Him and one day we will get to see her again.

After thinking about it and seeing the truth to it all.  Our stone does mark were our baby's earthly body is but it isn't were she is. She is not there she is with God, Safely in His arms!!

Jobless!!

What day is it today? I can't keep track.  I am so lost most of the time I don't know what day of the week it is or the date it is just funny how some things in life have become very unimportant.  This week has been a different one.  Both Daniel and I got sick at the beginning of the week. I don't wish that flu on anyone. Thankfully Miranda and Adam were generous enough to share it with us so we can all hang out again together without fear:) But after that adventure was over I was faced with the work decision. 

It has been a struggle for me to decide what to do with that.  If I should go back to work or not. Our original plan was for me to stay home with Addy. We had been working out our finances for months so that we knew we could be supported without my pay check. We had paid off bills and got all that settled so we would be ready for this decision financially.  It was going to be a sacrifice but one we both were willing to make so that I could be home to raise our baby girl...

Two months later and with no little girl to hold it was just another decision to make if I should or shouldn't work.  At first I was so for it. I could see myself going back getting back into that rut. If nothing else preoccupying myself for awhile. But it was made very clear to us as the time got closer to me making a decision that I wasn't ready. I wasn't going to be able to do it.  It just seems like some of the things we had planed for are still happening. It doesn't make it any easier. In some respect some of the decisions seem to be harder but I think this is what we are suppose to do. Who we are suppose to be right now. 

I still have bad days, bad moments, bad nights.  But I think in time all these decisions are going to be for the best. God has his hand in it all and is making plans for us.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

He makes All things new!!

"Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you..." Ezekiel 36:26

A new heart and spirit.  That is good news. He is going to restore us, but make us better than before.  A new spirit one that is going to be able to do things I could never dream of. One that can turn to God through it all.  A new heart too.  A heart that will have more compassion, more love and more understanding to people who will need it.  His love is never ending.  He does new things for us every day.  God is going to restore us!! We will not be broken forever.  When this season of grief passes we will have new and wonderful things to look forward to.  He is going to make it all new again!!!

They are new every morning...

Despite the date, despite all the struggles we have went throught this week today is a good day.  God is giving us a break from the pain. He has given us a chance to breath. A chance to catch our breath.  We haven't done much.  We tackeled the junk in our spare room.  We didn't get it all taken care of but alot of it is now moved or gone.  Its just amazing how much junk two people can collect over the course of a few year. 

As we cleaned that room today I got to thinking about our life.  About how sometimes God has to do the same thing with us.  We become hoarders in our souls.  We hoard all sorts of stuff in there. Pain, unforgiving, selfishness all the stuff we try to hide from God.  But he knows it is there, we know it is there, like the junk in that room. We pass it everyday countless times. We know it is there we just don't want to deal with it.  But sometimes once you get to the point were you can't take it any more you break down. Have a melt down and decided today is the day for change.  Then God comes in and cleans up. But unlike us and our room. He takes it all. We start with a clean start.  He totally gets ride of, and forgets all that we had in there. He throws it out and makes us new again.  That is an amazing thought. He forgets it and we are new again. 

I think maybe that is what He is showing us today. That even though we still struggle. Those days of sadness are not over yet but sometime at some point when we are ready He is going to take this tattered heart. The heart that has been broken to an unrecognizable shape and He is going to restore it. He is going to restore it to a brand new shape and even make it more effective than before. I am so glad I have that hope to rely on.  If it wasn't for that hope I don't think I would ever be able to feel like moving forward.  Its amazing to me how much hope He can give us and just at the right time. 

Two months ago today we buried our little baby girl. Even though I think about that everyday and dread these days when they come God gives us things to keep us occupied. He keeps us going in the hard days.  He has been good this week and putting stuff in my path to keep me going on days when I figured I couldn't do anything. It is just another sign of His unfailing love. He loves me that much that He puts stuff in my path to keep me occupied.  Today it was getting ride of junk.  Tomorrow who knows what He has in store for me but right know I am content in living each day with hope and excitement to see what He has in store. What His plans are. 

"The Lord's lovingkindness indeed never ceases, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

The Sun

For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
   --Psalm 84:11, NLT

God must be trying to get His point across to us.  Today after receiving an email from my Mom she sent me this verse. She received it in her in box and its just so true and right where we are. The words we needed to hear from God and He made sure we would see them and hear them.  Its so amazing to me that God cares that much for us that He will find all ways of getting His points and His messages across to us. He appoints all these things to happen so we can hear His voice just at the right time and the right way.

God is our sun.  He has shown us countless times through all this that He is the light and that He is the sun.  If we continue to do good things in His name and follow Him he will withhold NO Good Things!! None He is going to give us happy days again. It might be a while before we are at that point but to know that He cares enough to send that message to us. To show us that He is going to do good things makes it a good day.  Even though we might still struggle, and still be sad that our baby girl isn't here with us He is going to make things better if we just trust in Him and follow His lead.