The Stone

Here is the reality of my life hitting me square in the face again.  This weekend we got a call from a fellow friend. He informed Daniel that the sandstone they had ordered for Addy's grave was in.  Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful to the people who took the time and the effort to order it and all the efforts it took to get it for us. But I knew we were going to have to face it and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. 

After a particularly hard weekend Sunday evening came and the time to meet up with them to get the stone fastly approached.  I was so grateful that they decided to do it quietly and without me knowing what was going on.  As we headed to the car to venture home after small groups i was putting stuff in the back seat of the car and in the back window I saw the reflection of that stone.  Immediately I felt like all the air in my lungs had deflated,I couldn't breath and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.  To see her name written on that stone, to see its reflection in our car.  In the very window I dreamed of her sitting and looking out.  It just broke my heart all over again.The reality of life without our baby was crushing.  It was so hard to see her name written on that stone. It was so agonizing to me to see that this was our reality. This is what really has happened and this is all we have to show our baby was here. A stone with her name on it.

That stone is so precious but also so hard to look at.  When we got home I was still in tears gasping for air. Daniel ran into the house and grabbed a towel before I could get in the door. I meet him in the door way. I could see what his though process was. He was going to cover it up so i wouldn't have to face it every time I open the back of the car.  I quickly stopped him. I didn't want him to cover it up. I am not ashamed of our daughter and I am not afraid to see that reminder this week.  I know he was just wanting to help me. So I wouldn't have to face that every time I got in the car, but I think I need to.  This is just another spot along this journey that I have to rely on God to give me the strength to face it.  Friday we are going to go put that stone on her little grave.  I will inevitable fall apart but that is ok. I have learned through out this experience it isn't always a bad thing to cry.

But i got to thinking about it.  I now know how all of Jesus' friends felt when they rolled that huge stone over his grave.  I understand the symbol of that stone far greater now than ever before.  The victory of that stone being rolled away.  The great sign that He was no longer dead.  That story has played in my mind a lot over the past few days. Its funny how sometimes it takes real life events for me to catch on to things I have heard about my whole life. I don't' know how many times I have heard that story told but until it took a true form to me it was just a story.  But the sorrow that Mary was feeling when she went to that tomb I understand that.  I can only imagine the fear that struck her at first and then the joy she felt after she had learned the truth. I can see this happening in our situation. Not that Addy is going to come back but that we had to let her go but God isn't letting go of us. He is sitting on that stone waiting to tell us that she is alive with Him and one day we will get to see her again.

After thinking about it and seeing the truth to it all.  Our stone does mark were our baby's earthly body is but it isn't were she is. She is not there she is with God, Safely in His arms!!