The weather outside is so dreary. Cold, blowing snow accumulating ice on the ground. It is so bad even Kolby, our spoiled beagle, doesn’t want to get out in this stuff. He sits at the door and just stares longingly at the outside world. I know if it was not so cold he would be out there all afternoon sniffing and having a good time hunting whatever it is he gets a hint of. But to have to sit in the house it is so depressing sometimes even to our pets:) This weather just makes it hard to deal with situations. It just matches the feeling on the inside of us to the feeling outside and it makes the sadness seem to stay around a little longer than normal.
I have gotten into a pretty good rut these last few days. I haven't had problems sleeping the last few nights, only because God has given that to me. I have been taking a nap in the afternoon and getting a lot done in between. But days like today seem to slow all of my progress to a halt and I am stuck in my darkness of grief yet again.
Grief is so much like the winter weather patterns. Just like stormy days, I have days i don't want to get out of the house. I want to stay locked up in my own space sometimes, it is all I can do to crawl out of bed. Just like those cold mornings when staying in bed seems to be the better option I have hit days where that is the better option. Then there are days that God gives us the ability to cope. To get up and enjoy His Son. But then there are days were nothing seems to happen you are just stuck in a numb state. I don't like those days. I would rather feel the pain and be aware that something is wrong then go on like it never happened. I can't forget my Addy so to try to act like she wasn't here I just can't do that.
Its funny how when weather hits that is dreary and bad people freak out. I try not to if we get stuck we get stuck. I lived in the mountains of California were they get snow storms, I know there are parts that get snow aren’t you amazed:) But I don't remember people freaking out about it. I am sure there was the sense of frantic last minuet runs to the store but as a kid I never realized it. But today I found myself doing that same thing. Running out to the store last minuet to grab some stuff we wouldn’t have wanted to get caught without. As I was out i decided to prepare to be stuck inside so I went to the movie store to get something to watch. To catch up on all the chick flicks we have missed out on.
As i stood in the long line at the movie store holding my year old selections I couldn't help but hear the conversations going on around me. Why God puts things in my path at just the wrong moments, or at least I think they are, I will never understand. As I stood there checking out the clerk reminded me about the special deals they were having. I wasn't interested. Then the conversation turned to one movie in particular. A movie that came out not long after Addy, about a girl who was born for the sole purpose to help her sister stay alive. I haven't watched, don't ever plan on it but the clerk was telling how I just had to get it. I politely declined and as she continued on about how she cried because her sons were so similar in age to the girls in the movie and stuff I just stood there. Until she asked me the question I have been able to dodge for the past two months. The question that has haunted me from the day I found out that my baby was no longer here with us. How many kids do you have? How do I answer that. I suddenly just lost my breath. To tell a perfect stranger I have one but she is in heaven how do I get past that? I did what any grieving mother would do, I think, I just looked at her. Tears welling up in my eyes and the pain all to aware on my face. I told her politely I have one but she isn't with us right know. That is what I left it to and grabbed my movies and headed out into that cold, snow blowing day. At that moment the weather matched my feelings.
I think sometimes God gives us the perfect weather. He has used it many times to show us His goodness from the sun. But He also gives me days to protect me from things. I might be reading into it but I believe He has put this storm in our path to allow us to hold on to her for just a little longer. I have been dreading Friday all week. The day we were going to stop at the cemetery and place her headstone on her grave. I think God knows i am not ready for that. He has given me a chance to get ready and breath before i have to face that and for that I am grateful to Him. He knows me, he knows my heart and my fears. He knows me and loves me that much that He will do what it takes to make things happen in His timing the right time.
As long as we keep trusting in Him and relying on Him to help us through these times He is going to continue to show me that He loves me and that He will help me through it all. Even through those awkward questions, and storms. He is going to be there with me holding me just like He is holding my Addy.
You perfectly described every feeling I have felt. I had days where Derick had to drag me out of bed(very lovinly) but I just wanted to stay in and not face the world. People kept telling me time heals. I didn't belive them, but it's been almost 2 1/2 years so we lost Karoline and I think of her everyday(and yes, it does get a little easier each day). I too, struggled when ppl asked me how many kids I had. I would just tear up and say "1, and she's in Heaven." The day Karoline's tombstone was placed was a day I will never forget. I hope yesterday was an easy day for you as you went to the cemetary. You will be in my prayers(remember, our little girls are up there running those streets of gold) :)
ReplyDelete