Another day...

Another day, another set of difficult moments, at least for now.  It has been a rough day. Starting when I walked through the door at work.  I got news that a girl from another department had ended up having her baby last night and she named her Madison June. Of course not knowing what they where talking about I heard that name and had to stop a moment. Did they just say what I was thinking they said? After further conversations it was confirmed that was this new baby’s name.  Really how much closer than that can you get to my little girls name? That was hard part number one. I had to excuse myself and go out side for a moment afraid that the emotions that I was feeling and that were written across my face, I am sure, weren’t going to pose as s problem.  After my sudden leaving and returning with tear stained face I decided I wasn’t going to let this bother me all day I was determined. 

 

A few hours later after forgetting about that incident for the time being, only due to Gods help, round two hit.  I was sitting there minding my own business when a couple came in with two small children. They sit down directly across from me in my line of sight and are doing there business. I hear the man tell the lady waiting on them the smallest of the two boys was going to be a year in a month and a day.  Only a few days after my Addy.  After hearing this I can’t help but try to avoid all sight of them.  I couldn’t get that kid out of my sight. I deiced I am not going to let it get to me I am going to not cry. But as I sit there with nothing in between me and this child I realize I can’t do this. I had to again exit for a few minuets until the couple had safely left my line of sight.  I just got caught off guard and didn’t know what to do.   

 

After the two events of my morning have came and went I realize I have a lot of healing still left to do. I didn’t think we were that far off, I figured I had to be getting closer to seeing the light and moving on in a positive way with what we have been left to live with. But again I am wrong. Again I realize without God there is no way I could or would have made it as far as I have. I would be even more of a crazy than I already am.  Its only through the strength that God has given to us that lets us get through these moments and move on to the next.  I am convinced that once Addy’s birthday is over with, once this milestone has come and gone maybe things will get back to normal. I realize I will always be the grieving mother but that doesn’t mean I have to let it run my life. I will always have these moments and when the world around me is oblivious to anything that might be happening inside my life God isn’t. He knows and He reaches down and picks me up when I can’t do it myself. He is the one that holds me and I can’t forget that ever. Because without Him holding me I wouldn’t be able to do this another day.  Thank God that we have Him to hold us in these times!!!

Hard Days Are Here Again...

Here I am again. As the time get closer to little Addy's first birthday the trauma and pain have hit again.  Not at the extent of what it was but never the less it is still here and still a consistent struggle for the both of us as that day draws near.  It has been a particularly hard week. After a wonderful 9 day visit with my parents it was time for them to get back to there life in Cali. While we stayed behind and got back to ours. That was particularly hard, but always is.  But after they left it was hard to get adjusted to the quite house and it being just the 2 of us again. Not that I don't enjoy that but it just seems like it is a constant reminder of the person that is missing in our day to day life. A year ago I was preparing for our world to grow and expand and be the three of us, in a way it is, but not physically and that hurts sometimes. 

Its these times that I miss her the most. I think of her all the time. With the change of color in the leaves and the cooler weather arriving it takes me back to a year ago when all this was happening but with anticipation and excitement that is not here this year.  I don't know it is hard to describe the hurt and the emotions that are going through me lately.  I have been very emotional at times my emotions just take over before I know what is happening and then it is too late to gain any composure. It is just sudden, violent attacks of pain and then after it is all over I am left feeling worn out and hollow.  Almost as if the days ahead are too much to endure. After a year of facing this reality everyday I just wanted it to be over. Or at least be a little more calm.  I wasn't prepared for all the memories and all the pain to come flooding back.

It has and will continue to be hard for us. I am sure as the day grows closer maybe I can keep my mind busy with other things so that it isn't as hard as I am expecting it to be.  We are going to have a Birthday weekend for her.  We are going to go the city see Shrek the musical and see a basketball game with the Youth group.  It will be a time of fun but also a time to remember that little precious girl we had to let go of.  But we will be here when it is over and I know the only way we are going to get through this, like so many other times recently, God is going to be holding us through it.  That is a thought that can and does put me at easy and helps me through these most difficult times.