Introducing...

Our new adventure

addy cakes

So here is the story.  A short but sweet one really:)  In my grief I turn to the one thing that makes me feel normal and happy. The one thing I have enjoyed doing since I was a child helping my Nan and Mom in the kitchen making cookies. Well eating more of the dough than making the cookies:) But I have grown up enjoying being in the kitchen creating new sweet adventures and so the next step in our life is one that is bring me back to that time of life were being in the kitchen is fun again.  

I have started my cupcake adventure and have enjoyed it so far. Of course I have only had one official paying gig. But with a few more lined up and business cards on the way I am praying this will be something God can use for His benefit and just allow me to be the baker in it all.  Here are some of our creations so far of course I have to thank Daniel  first because he is the best baking assistant around.  

The Peanut Butter Surprise ( my favorite) and Addy's too:)

The Mystery Cupcake

The Cookies and Cream (our first batch)

 

The Nutter Butter

 Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

 My Spring Lemon

 What Kolby does while I am baking:)

 And The official Cookies and Cream which are Daniel's favorite and all time recommended.

The Waiting

Be assured that if God waits longer than you could wish, it is only to make the blessing doubly precious.--Andrew Murray

I came across this quote a few days ago when I was a reading the book Why? by Anne Graham Lotz.  This book has been helping me through a lot of the thoughts I have had for so long but never have been able to, or known how to deal with them. There are so many whys in our life and when I think about it all I start to question not only why but also what. What am I suppose to do next? What I am going to do now? It has been a struggle none the less but as I think back to the past and where we are today I can only say that we are where we are because God hasn't left us or let go of us this whole time. He is there guiding us and without that guidance I don't know what life today would look like, but it wouldn't be what it is.  

He is there for us every step and He isn't going to let us go no matter what we go through.  It has been a struggle these last few months.  Wanting a baby and feeling let down when we don't get one. That is a scary and emotional journey that seems to have no end to it. I get very discouraged at times and lately I found my self doubt that it will happen again, that we will get that baby we pray for and dream of.  Why is my faith so small, and my trust lacking so much?  I don't understand it all and I can't help but feel like there is something I have done to create this. I know that isn't the case and as I call on God to help me He has proven to me time and again that it will all work out in His timing. His timing is perfect, He is never late or early always right on time. I need to hold to that when these moments of doubt hit and call on Him to be there and I know He will show up right on time.  

Here is one of my new favorite verses that has been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks. I can't wait to see God turn the impossible to possible!!

" The things that are impossible with people are possible with God." Luke 18:27

The Why's that Haunt Me

I lay my “whys?” before your cross,

In worship kneeling,

my mind beyond all hope,

my heart beyond all feeling,

and worshiping,

realizing that I in knowing you,

don’t need a “why”.

---- Ruth Bell Graham

 

Why?  I have a million of questions running through my mind and can’t grasp an answer to any of them.  That small word seems so crushing and huge right now and it seems to be the question I keep returning to on my journey through these times.  I don’t understand most of what is happening in my life.  I feel like I am walking blindly in the dark and have no direct guidance to where I am going I am just walking.  I have faith I understand that He is guiding me. He is leading me to the places I am going. He is leading me on this journey but the uncertainty of it all seem so overwhelming right now.  I just don’t know if I can handle much more.  The waiting is the hardest.  The long journey we have been on seems to only be accompanied by a stretch of waiting. 

 

I don’t like the waiting, the wondering if we will ever get to where we want to be. If God’s plans, which I truly believe are best, are that much different than ours that we are just on the wrong page and I just need to hold on.  I just don’t understand and with that lack of knowledge I am feeling like I am drowning in sorrow and grief yet again. 

 

The why’s of it all of life is so hard to grasp sometime I just want to be able to know for sure what the next step is. I guess that is faith not knowing the next step but trusting God does and will be taking it along with me.  I have been studying just random stuff but it all seems to be leading in the same thought.  I just have to trust. Don’t doubt just trust. I am sure that is the message He is sending to me so this is my journey. To trust in these moments. The moments when life doesn’t make sense, when I am in a place and don’t understand why I am here or what I am doing I just need to trust.  I don’t need to know all the details or the whys just trust He knows them and I need to just lean on that to get me through. 

Unexpected Grief

What a week. It hasn’t been all bad in fact it was pretty good most of it anyways.  Then all at once it happened. One incident that happened for a brief moment in my day made the rest of the day a struggle.  It’s funny how one moment can change the course of the rest of the day. It wasn’t that I haven’t had times like this before. We all know I have had a lot of time like this in the past 16 months but this moment caught me surprise, took my breath away and broke my heart all in one swoop.  Here is how it went down.

 

I was at work on a uneventful Thursday. I normally don’t work Thursday’s they are one of my days off but this week I was filling in for someone and was there doing nothing much at all.  I just got back from lunch and was anticipating the last hour of work to be smooth and hopefully quick sailing.  I just got settled in when out of nowhere this lady pops up at my station.  Not just any customer though one I haven’t seen since I started here. One I didn’t even know what a possibility of seeing.  I wasn’t even prepared.  It was a lady that use to go to our church it wasn’t just that it was something more. She had gotten pregnant at the same time I was with Addy in fact she was due less than a week after me.  So here she is someone that the last time I saw her I was pregnant and she was too. It just was odd and heart wrenching. To make matters worse in her arms was her little boy.  In her arms there he sat. In her arms!! It was heart wrenching.  Why? Could she be holding a boy 16 months later and all I have in my arms is nothing at the moment.  It was so hard to stand there and wait on her.  As I rushed through to try to get her out of my window as soon as I possible could before tears started streaming down my face, she reaches over and gives him a big kiss as if to rub it in.  I doubt that was what she was doing but it hurt. Reality can really sting at times. 

 

Needless to say I ran away and tried to hold the emotions back since I was at work and all. I did pretty good while at work but later it would come out.  I went on with the rest of my day determined not to let it get me down.  I might not have my daughter here to hold and kiss but one day I will be with her.  But that is one day not today and sometimes that reality of it is hard.  The rest of the day followed suit with this moment I am sure not allowing myself to deal with it fully when it happened just made it harder in the long run. But through out the night things were said and attitudes were had and on our way home from a late basketball game, I just unloaded on Daniel. He is so amazing at times like these he just holds me and lets me grieve through it. 

 

Its hard to deal with these times.  Its hard to remember when your in that moment that God has a purpose and  for whatever reason He saw it more fit to have Addy with Him than with us. But its all true. He is in charge, He understand far better than I can and He did this for a reason and I have to accept that and allow Him to use it however He seems fitting.  

On that note I have been reading another awesome book. This one is by Chris Tomlin, you might have heard of him.  It was written a few years ago but it is so good about worship and how to live the life of worship and how to be more efficient in it. I highly recommend it. It is called The Way I Was Made: Words and Music for an Unusual Life.  Anyways in it I came across this verse it is my new verse for the week. It thought it was pretty fitting, well of course it was God put it in my path at just the right time:)  

"You are good and do only good..." Psalm 119:68

A Wedding Tattoo

Its been an emotionally draining week for me. Not all bad most of it good.  We started the week out with Tim and Cindy's wedding on Sunday. It was a perfect day and I pray it was all they wanted it to be. It was a great time to celebrate what God has given us and what he has taken away as well.  At the end of the day I went to bed happy and excited for my brother and his new wife. I know God has great things in store for their lives together and am happy that Cindy was the one God gave to Tim and to us:)

There however was something, well someone missing that happy day and as the day went by, and I got tired I missed her more and more than every before.  By the ride home I was exhausted with a happy kind of tired and crying for the little girl that was missing that day. That is missing everyday but special days make it more apparent.  I am forever grateful to Cindy for incorporating Addy into the day. The gesture and though of it all meant more to me than anything. She had learned at some point in time that Daniel and I were wanting to do something for Addy on that day. We were going to do something slight and unnoticed by those who didn't know and didn't want to ruin any vision she had for her day.  Coming up with nothing I was kind of frantic by the end of last week. Giving up all hope that we were going to be able to find what we were in search for.  Friday at our sisters breakfast came the answer. Cindy had gotten us all Hello Kitty Tattoos to wear on that day.  It was a gesture and symbol of love I will never forget.  The day of the wedding the first thing I did was get Daniel's out and on him. I must say I never though he would wear a kitty tattoo but it looks so fitting on him I hate to see it wear off, which it hasn't even started to yet!!  As one by one at random times we put them on I started to feel like she was in the room with us.  I miss her so even still today and to have that symbol of love on each of the family members including our new sister showed me how much this little girl is loved even still. 

I will never get to have a day like that with my Addy she will never get married or have a family of her own, not on this earth. But the promise that one day I will be with  her and never have to say goodbye again gets me through these times of longing for her.  Another milestone has passed and another moment of remembrance for her from her family has passed. But to know that she isn't forgotten, that is the best thing a mother missing her child can have. 

More Than A Diet

"You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn North." Deuteronomy 2:3

Another week had passed and I once again was searching for a verse to study and place in my heart this week.  I know it is an odd pick and one that only God could have lead me to and give me the guidance on why this verse now at this time.  I have been struggling to lose my Addy weight for a year now. Although this time last year I wasn't succeeding due to the uncontrollable way I eat when I am emotional. I gained more weight after her than I did when I was pregnant with her. It was a hard road to be down and with a wedding and other events I want to be ready for approach I figured I need to give it a valiant effort once again.  So I started on Weight Watchers a month and half ago.  After losing the same 3 pounds about 4 times I decided I need to figure something else out. That was when I came across this book. It is called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I was very leery at first to get it. But after I sampled the book on my Kindle (which I love) I had to give it a try.  So I downloaded it and started reading it.

I must say it is has gone beyond my expectations it is pretty good and it actually gives Biblical implications and examples that helps me see it through a totally new light.  I don't feel shamed into this journey but see it as given God yet another piece of my life that I felt like I need to control.  It has helped me see things in a different light.  But anyways something I was reading in it yesterday got my attention and I couldn't get it out of my head.  She was talking about how we get stuck in these ruts of eating. In these bad habits and when we give up or have a bad day or just don't feel like struggling with it all anymore we revert to the old bad habits and end up back at the starting gate. I have done this many times in my life and get frustrated more and more when I wind back in the same spot.  Anyways she talks about this verse and how it can bring on a new way of looking at this struggle.

The verse was a statement from God to the children of Israel. After wandering for 40 years in the desert with out crossing into the promised land He tells them they need to stop all the games and all the wondering and just rely on Him and He even gives the proper time line, NOW.  As I look at this verse I am reminded of all the times I stand at the pantry door looking for something to take this pain away. Something to fill this void something just to sooth the ever so strong ache in my life. Something to sooth these aching, longing arms.  But I am looking at this and realize I am not going to find it in there.  No matter how hard i try.  I might find something that soothes for a moment but that is all. If I can learn to look to God at those times than maybe I can be filled for longer than any food will fill me with.  And along the way I will gain a closer stronger relationship with My Lord. What an amazing thought.  So here I go on another adventure. Although some how I think the effects of it are going to be far more life changing than just the way I eat.

Are We There Yet?

I can't help but find myself asking this question constantly to God. Are we at the spot you want us to be, the spot where we finally get to have a baby to hold and love?  So far I have been faced with the answer I haven't wanted to hear.  I want to be so close I want God to tell us it is Our time to be parents. Our turn.  But yet again I am reminded that His plans are better than ours. His timing is far greater than mine and I have to wait for that time to be right.  I don't like that part, the waiting it is so hard at times. I just want my baby to hold. I just want my Addy here to share life with.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately and realized I have defined myself as a grieving mother who desperately wants a baby to hold and to keep. But also a grieving mother who is learn to let go of things and let God take them out of my hands and into His.  That is a hard and tough lesson to learn and hard way to see myself but so much I have done in the last year and 3 months to the day has defined me as a mother that desperately wants her baby to be here with her.  I have come to realize though in the last few weeks that I need to make a change. I need to stop seeing myself and defining myself as only that. When I do that I am not just putting myself in this box but also God.  He is a part of me and He is grieving with me but that doesn't have to define who and what we are. 


So on that note I decided a few weeks ago to start memorizing a verse a week. That can't be that hard right? I have a whole 7 days to remember it and then move on to the next truth God has for me. It has been pretty amazing even in this short amount of time as to what God has lead me to learn. Look at my first 3 verses and tell me there isn't a pattern, something God is trying to scream to me obviously. 

Week 1

The Lord will work out His plan for my life. For your faithful love, oh Lord, endures forever. Don't give up on me for you have made me.
Psalm 138:8

Week 2

Indeed, the Lord will give what is good, and your land will yield its produce. 
Psalm 85:12

Week 3

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:19

Some good verses that God has put in my path the last few weeks. I am going to try to keep this up and post all my verses for the week so that I am some what accountable for them in some way. Maybe that will help me in this journey. It isn't easy but God is teaching me and showing me that He has it all worked out and putting my time lines on His plans doesn't work.