More Than A Diet

"You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn North." Deuteronomy 2:3

Another week had passed and I once again was searching for a verse to study and place in my heart this week.  I know it is an odd pick and one that only God could have lead me to and give me the guidance on why this verse now at this time.  I have been struggling to lose my Addy weight for a year now. Although this time last year I wasn't succeeding due to the uncontrollable way I eat when I am emotional. I gained more weight after her than I did when I was pregnant with her. It was a hard road to be down and with a wedding and other events I want to be ready for approach I figured I need to give it a valiant effort once again.  So I started on Weight Watchers a month and half ago.  After losing the same 3 pounds about 4 times I decided I need to figure something else out. That was when I came across this book. It is called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I was very leery at first to get it. But after I sampled the book on my Kindle (which I love) I had to give it a try.  So I downloaded it and started reading it.

I must say it is has gone beyond my expectations it is pretty good and it actually gives Biblical implications and examples that helps me see it through a totally new light.  I don't feel shamed into this journey but see it as given God yet another piece of my life that I felt like I need to control.  It has helped me see things in a different light.  But anyways something I was reading in it yesterday got my attention and I couldn't get it out of my head.  She was talking about how we get stuck in these ruts of eating. In these bad habits and when we give up or have a bad day or just don't feel like struggling with it all anymore we revert to the old bad habits and end up back at the starting gate. I have done this many times in my life and get frustrated more and more when I wind back in the same spot.  Anyways she talks about this verse and how it can bring on a new way of looking at this struggle.

The verse was a statement from God to the children of Israel. After wandering for 40 years in the desert with out crossing into the promised land He tells them they need to stop all the games and all the wondering and just rely on Him and He even gives the proper time line, NOW.  As I look at this verse I am reminded of all the times I stand at the pantry door looking for something to take this pain away. Something to fill this void something just to sooth the ever so strong ache in my life. Something to sooth these aching, longing arms.  But I am looking at this and realize I am not going to find it in there.  No matter how hard i try.  I might find something that soothes for a moment but that is all. If I can learn to look to God at those times than maybe I can be filled for longer than any food will fill me with.  And along the way I will gain a closer stronger relationship with My Lord. What an amazing thought.  So here I go on another adventure. Although some how I think the effects of it are going to be far more life changing than just the way I eat.

Are We There Yet?

I can't help but find myself asking this question constantly to God. Are we at the spot you want us to be, the spot where we finally get to have a baby to hold and love?  So far I have been faced with the answer I haven't wanted to hear.  I want to be so close I want God to tell us it is Our time to be parents. Our turn.  But yet again I am reminded that His plans are better than ours. His timing is far greater than mine and I have to wait for that time to be right.  I don't like that part, the waiting it is so hard at times. I just want my baby to hold. I just want my Addy here to share life with.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately and realized I have defined myself as a grieving mother who desperately wants a baby to hold and to keep. But also a grieving mother who is learn to let go of things and let God take them out of my hands and into His.  That is a hard and tough lesson to learn and hard way to see myself but so much I have done in the last year and 3 months to the day has defined me as a mother that desperately wants her baby to be here with her.  I have come to realize though in the last few weeks that I need to make a change. I need to stop seeing myself and defining myself as only that. When I do that I am not just putting myself in this box but also God.  He is a part of me and He is grieving with me but that doesn't have to define who and what we are. 


So on that note I decided a few weeks ago to start memorizing a verse a week. That can't be that hard right? I have a whole 7 days to remember it and then move on to the next truth God has for me. It has been pretty amazing even in this short amount of time as to what God has lead me to learn. Look at my first 3 verses and tell me there isn't a pattern, something God is trying to scream to me obviously. 

Week 1

The Lord will work out His plan for my life. For your faithful love, oh Lord, endures forever. Don't give up on me for you have made me.
Psalm 138:8

Week 2

Indeed, the Lord will give what is good, and your land will yield its produce. 
Psalm 85:12

Week 3

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:19

Some good verses that God has put in my path the last few weeks. I am going to try to keep this up and post all my verses for the week so that I am some what accountable for them in some way. Maybe that will help me in this journey. It isn't easy but God is teaching me and showing me that He has it all worked out and putting my time lines on His plans doesn't work. 

Baby's Everywhere

Here I am at this place once again where I am confused, hurt and unsure of the path I have been on.  I haven't had a week like this in awhile. The moments they pass by but for the most part things are going good. I have gotten to place of acceptance of what has happened, or so I thought. But truth be told I am not and once again I find myself weeping on the inside and out for that precious little girl I miss so much.

My days have been getting easier with the occasional moments or times when I see, hear or smell something that might bring a memory back into my mind.  But I have been doing better.  Then it all hit me at once all in one week.  Things I haven't thought of things I haven't dealt with, new parts of this painful experience that I didn't even know I had.  New memories and feelings.

I can't help but ask God why I had to witness that. Why He didn't shield me from things that are going to hurt? I just don't understand why I had to hear what I did see what I did. Why?  Here is what happened this afternoon at work a lady from another department who is pregnant and due pretty soon started having back pains and was getting very uncomfortable.  I can't say that I don't envy her because in some sense I do. She works in the same building as her mom how nice would that be? I didn't even think of that being an option I always just wanted to live next door to mine but to work with her how handy.  Anyways as her mother announces to the whole floor that she is having these issues they are going to take her to the doctor my heart stopped. This was what we missed out on.

The apparent joy in the mothers eyes, the eagerness in the Grandmothers voice we missed all that joy.  My Mom was with me when I went into labor with Addy without her I would have panic and not known what to do but this was different. There was an excitement and a urgency I witnessed the other day that wasn't there with my little girl.  There was not rushing around no excitement in the air, just a heavy sense of dread of what was to come when our little girl was finally on her way.   I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I don't think anyone else was either. But we all knew that was what was coming and the excitement for that just wasn't there.

As these memories flood my mind I can't help but think I need to get out of this place away from all this. But as suddenly as it all comes about they were out the door and the ladies were buzzing with what ifs and excitment of what might be to come. That was more than I could stand.  I grabbed my stuff as quickly as I could and took off. If I had to stay another minuet in that space I think I would have lost it. As I step out onto the cold, hard icy ground tears pour down my face.  It is so painful I can hardly stand it.

I don't know why I have to witness stuff like that. Why I have to go through these experiences that everyone else just takes for granted but I did and I can't say I passed it with easy or even without being a little hurt. My heart is broken yet again for the little girl I am missing. My arms are aching once again for that little six pound baby to be in my arms. I just miss her with all I am and sometimes stopping to realize I still miss her as much as I do knocks me down and puts me in a place I haven't been i a while.

I know that this will pass. I know that I will be better with time, but I also know I am going to have these moment the rest of my life and that seems like such a big task to take on. One I defiantly didn't sign up for.  The rest of the week followed suit with hard moments and times. It seems like this week was all about baby's starting from Sunday on. Just faced with diffrent baby situations all week. It has been hard and I find myself yet again searching for His promises that He is going to hold on to us through this time. I know He is and will continue to but at times like these when life dosn't make sense and things are hard to grasp I have to cling to Him tighter.  Amongst my struggles this week two verses have been given to me two verses that helped me at the start of this journey.  The one that sticks out the most is this one given to me by my mom.  It just is fitting and perfect every day I deal with these emotions and question. 

"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.  He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good things from those who do what is right." Psalms 84:11 

The Bear

Its been a crazy few weeks with Christmas coming and going and the new year being here and started. I haven't had time to catch my breath and finally the day has come when I can sit here and write again. I am ready for the break however short it might be.  I still have Christmas decorations up and stuff scattered everywhere but all that will be there when until I am done.  Nothing big or eventful happened this Christmas, we didn't get to go to California this year since we needed to save vacation time up for the wedding.  That is always hard but left us to celebrate the first Christmas we would be home in our new house.  We decorated and did it all even though there was only 2 of us to enjoy it.  At times it was hard. Not being with family especially this year was hard. Not having Addy was harder.  I don't know just the fact that there should have been gifts for her under that tree she should have been the one here to enjoy all the traditions Daniel and I had wanted to start this year. But she wasn't and that was hard. We got through it not without some tears shed but in all it was a pretty good Christmas.

The next week was crazy.  Daniel has been waiting and wanting to have lasik done on his eyes for a long time and we finally made the appointment and the consultation visit with the eye doctor the week before Christmas. We didn't know it would be so soon but the Monday after Christmas we were scheduled to be in the city for the appointment Tuesday they were going to do it. It was all so quick but that was a good thing didn't give me time to think about what was really going to happen.

We got to the city Monday and went to his appointment stayed the night and Tuesday was the big day. I could tell as time got closer he was getting anxious and wanting it to just be done and over with.  As we enter the building I can't help but pray that God would let it all go well and that it wouldn't be a big deal. Everyone was taking it like it was no big thing and so I was going to do that as well.  We did pretty good the first few hours of waiting and being shuffled from one spot to the next wasn't too bad just being there helped the tension in us both be realised some.  Then they moved us into the room where they prepared him for the surgery.  He sits down they get him all squared away and drugged up and the next hour or so is pretty comical. I know that God was there the whole time with us. He keep showing me signs of Him everywhere I looked. It was comforting to know that even in this small thing He was going to get us through it and be there right next to us.

After a lot of time, some minor issues that set the procedures back even longer and a machine malfunction we were up and running again and getting closer to Daniel's turn. I wasn't to scarred not sure I wanted to watch the procedure but was given the opportunity if wanted.  I figure can't be that bad everyone else was watching so after they shuffle him into the room get him all ready I start to watch the screen and the procedure as they work on his eye. It is pretty amazing what they do and how quickly they do it. It was just amazing at how the procedure works and all. After getting one eye done I was done watching. I had the mechanic that had worked on the machine just prior to all this standing there telling me what was going on. I didn't really want the commentary but it was OK I had basically tuned him out at some point without even realizing it.  After the first eye was done i was through watching if I was going to get us home that night I couldn't be sick while doing it.  So I gathered our things and moved them to the next little waiting room. After that I stood watching through the window a safe distance from the TV.

I could see them working while Daniel laid there it was a scary few seconds watching him lie there helpless as they worked on his eyes.  As they work on him something catches my eye. Not sure what it is I look up from where he is laying and I spot it. 

It has been there the whole time for hours we have walked by this window countless times while working on other patients why hadn't I seen it before? Sitting on top of the laser machine with a perfect little purple scrub hat and mask on is a teddy bear.  Looking down on Daniel.  As soon as I see it i can't keep my eyes off of it but want to just run away and hide. Tears start to stream down my face and I am sure I looked like a basket case to anyone that saw.

How fitting is it of God to place that bear with that color on that machine so I could see it at that moment and be reminded that my baby and God were watching over Daniel.  Addy was in there watching her daddy get his eyes fixed.  It was  a moment I will probably never forget. One that I can't get out of my mind. That bear.  Not just the fact it was wearing purple hit me but with the work I have started on the bear project how much more fitting in this stage of life could that have been. I was overwhelmed and just tried to get through the rest of the time without bawling right there.

Daniel gets out of surgery we are done and are headed out the door finally!! We can barely get out the door before I break down and tell Daniel of the story of the bear. Through sobs of relief and feeling so loved I tell him his Addy was watching over him that night. It was a hard moment for me I had to regain some sort of composure before I pushed on and drove us home. As he sleep and I drove I just keep thinking of that bear, of what God did that night for me and every time I would thank Him and talk to Him I would just cry. It was a good trip home just me and God with Daniel asleep beside me.  it was time for healing but a time to realize that He hasn't forgotten about us. That especially through this hard time He was going to be there and walk us through like He always has before. 

Its still hard.  Some days I feel like I am losing control, my life is spinning past me as I am stuck in this off position.  But on those days when I am not slowed to a crawl I just have to try to hold on to these glimpse He is giving me of my baby girl and now that one day we will all be together again forever!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Its been awhile since I last posted, I have been busy like everyone else is this Holiday season. It has been a strange one so far and will only continue to be that way as the days pass by.  We don't have much planed for Christmas day. I am kind of enjoying the thought of us relaxing taking our time to enjoy it all together this year. We weren't able to make it to Cali, this year and that breaks my heart. It will be the first year without Addy or my family around and I am already starting to feel the effects it has had on my emotions lately.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions lately. I don't know what the next second will hold if I will be the same or some unknown emotion hit me. It has been interesting.  I guess that is the grieving process it will always keep you guessing what is going to happen next. 


The pain of not having her here this Christmas is hard. I feel like I am away from almost everyone I love and it is so hard to face that reality. Its just been hard.  But Christmas Day will come like all the rest do and we will have one more milestone behind us and ready to face a new year with a different set of challenges.  I am praying that this year will be a baby year.  Although I know having a baby isn't going to replace Addy, I don't want to do that anyways but it will help ease some of the sting of her absence. I was thinking the other day about her and what it would have been like with her here. The toys she would have gotten the excitement of Christmas day, probably more from her dad than her this year anyways:) I just missed it all right then. My arms started to long for her and the feeling is so unreal to want to hold something so bad but not have it to hold. I am so looking forward to the the day I get my bear. That is going to be more of a blessing that I can imagine. I am so thankful that God has directed our path and put us were He has the last few months. 


I have been working on the bear project now for a few weeks I have gotten 25 full bear insides made and am working on getting a few more done before the first of the year when I ship them off to be made into bears. I am excited that we are able to do this and even more grateful for the interest and encouragement Daniel has given me through out it all. He might not understand the it all but he has been a huge help to me in getting things set up and encourages me to work on it when sometimes I don't feel like it.  It has been a healing tool for us both and God's timing on it was perfect. 

This will probably be my last post before the new year. We have a busy week ahead of us.  Daniel has eye surgery on Tuesday so an unexpected trip to the city will be a great little break.  Then off to work the rest of the week before New Years. I hope all have a happy and safe Christmas!!!

The Bears

I am amazed at how God is working in our lives for the better. I knew better things were coming and it might just be something small but I am excited about it.   I have been wanting to start something, do something just wanted to help others who have gone through what I have gone through. I know there are a bunch out there and I wanted to help in some way.  The last blog I posted a friend commented with a link to another lady that has lost her baby and she is blogging like I have to help her through it. Thank you so much Verla for that, you started it all:) 

One night last week we were having a hard night. Just missing Addy the both of us and we were lying in bed holding each other crying and Daniel tells me that he saw a comment on our blog and proceeded to tell me that it had a link to another blog.  He said he went on it just to check it out and the blog post was about a bear the writer had received. It was weighted bear the same weight of her lost baby and she had just received it.  He told me he was ordering us one.  Curious about it all I had to go online and look it all up the next day to see what it was about.  That was when I was first introduced to Molly Bears. 

Molly Bears is a organization a women started after she lost her infant daughter. The story is really touching and hit pretty close to home. She was given a weighted bear after her loss and decided she was going to start making them for other Mom's who have lost their baby's.  She makes bears and sends them to grieving mothers.  It gives mothers something to hold and I understand the importance of that.  I have struggle to find something that would sooth the aching in my arms and nothing had worked.  As I researched it more I went and looked at the waiting list.  She has over 300 bears in waiting and she is the only one working on this project. She does it completely out of pocket with no expense to the recipeints. I was amazed and touched that someone had found the right thing to do.  After a quick look I was out the door to work.  I couldn't stop thinking about this though.  The thought of it all just overwhelmed me. As the day drug on I found myself thinking more and more about it and that was when I did it.  I emailed the lady and althought at the time I felt silly and unsure of how it came across I just knew I had to do something to help her.


After I sent the email I was scared at how it would be taken. I mean most people don't email strangers and ask to help them. I started to doubt my actions but as I prayed for God to be in the situation and for His will to take over I felt a sudden calmness. I understood that God was in it all and that He was going to give me the response I was waiting for. Sure enough I got an email back and she was eager for the help.  I am so excited!! I am going to be helping her make the insides of the bears, the weighted parts. I am ready and excited to do it. I am just amazed at how God put all those pieces together and put me in the path and place to help someone do something for other Mom's like me.  I know it sounds silly to be excited about it but I am.  I am ready to help get these bears out to other Mom's and to know I had a hand it will be more rewarding than anything. 

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

Would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing,
cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that coming-Josh Wilson

I downloaded this song a few weeks ago. Forgot about it and was searching through my music and found it.  How appropriate that I forgot about it right? I am sure that was God holding it for me for the perfect time to share it again.  He is good at that you know, having the perfect time to share things with us.  He has been doing a lot of that the past week and every time it happens I am in shock yet again at what He is doing for us. It is amazing.

We are headed to the city today to celebrate Addy's 1st birthday. Hard to believe its been a year ago since the precious little girl was born. Even though she isn't here with us it still is a good day. We will share the sadness and tears for the separation we are feeling. But we know like the song said we are going to have joy again. A great joy that wouldn't compare to the pain that we have dealt with the last year. We are going to be able to hold her again and that is the hope and the promise I am looking forward to.

It is now Tuesday and a lot has been done since that last start...I never got around to publishing it:)  We did go to the city had a weekend of events and shopping ahead of us to try to get through Addy's birthday. It was a good day. We had our moments and our times of tears but we also shared some good times too.  We went to dinner the movies and just hung out together and talked about our sweet little girl we miss so much.  I think this past week gave us a chance to focus on the future now. It has been so hard to do that with all the pain still throbbing of the loss. But as time goes by the throbbing is starting to ease and God is getting us ready and prepared for His big plans. I am not sure what He has in store but I know it is going to be good. Something to rejoice and have great celebration over. To have joy again is going to be the best gift possible.

I am amazed yet again at how God loves us so much He will just hold us in the dark times and He prepares for the good stuff. He already knows what is coming and someday we will look back and be even more amazed at how He has used this time to allow us to grow. It has been a rough year a rough time, I still miss her like the day she left but I can think about her without crying for a whole day so that is a good start. 

We are just looking forward to the next step the next road God is going to lead us down. I am sure it will surpass anything we can imagine.  We are just so truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends that have filled our hearts with love and prayers these past few weeks and throughout the year. It has been a great strength for both of us to know that we have people that care enough to remember our little girl with us. To all of you I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  The support you have show to us truly is a reflection of Gods heart and without it this journey would have been unbearable at times.  So for all our family and friends who have stuck by us thank you it means more than you can ever know. 

Lets get ready for that joy!!!