Peep

"In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."  

                                                      1 Thessalonians 5:18

Our Peep...

A year ago tomorrow will mark one year. One year since he left this world and went to be with our Nan and His Jesus.  I find myself missing him more but finding it reassuring to in a way that he is were he looked forward to going for all those many years.  He was the best Peep anyone could have wanted and he was ours.  I feel blessed to have been able to grow up around him and to have been able to spend all those unforgettable times with him.

I find comfort in knowing he is in heaven with Nan and Addy.  I can picture him humming to her and playing with her just as he did with me. He got to see her smiling face before we did, but it helps me to know that she is in a safe place and with people who love her.  Although when he left she was still here with us it wasn't long before she went to that place to meet him and I am thankful he was there to greet her.  I can just picture him walking her around showing her all the wonderful things and teaching her about music,  the one thing they both loved. 

I can't but help think of the first thing Daniel said to me that day when we realized she was no longer here.  "She is with Peep and Nan in heaven." Just knowing that helps.  I am sure they were happy to see her and are having great fun waiting for all of us to get there too. 

I can't help but find myself searching for Peeps verse sometimes. Especially in the past year. I have had alot of times when I just don't understand it all. Don't get why things have happened and why we are where we are in life. I just don't get it but when I read those words I can feel him telling me to not worry but be thankful for what I do have.  I learned a lot from Peep but the way he lived his life for God that is one thing that I will never be able to forget.  He was such a strong believer and he wasn't afraid to tell you how it was concerning his God.  He taught me so much just by watching what he did.  He defiantly showed me somethings I would have never been exposed to if it wasn't for him and he enriched my life with such powerful lessons I will never forget.  

We got to spend some good times together from picking me up from preschool, most of the time he found me asleep in a tunnel in the playground, to taking trips together during summer break.  We went alot of places and saw alot of stuff together. But we were together and that was what made it fun.  He did and said some funny stuff and those are things I will remember forever.  

As this year has passed and all has happened I have found myself missing him more.  Although I am grateful he didn't have to suffer much. I am grateful that he was able to finally go home to the place he sang about and looked forward to going all those years.  It is still hard not to miss him.  So to my Peep... I will always miss you and love you.  You were one person I knew was praying for me everyday and one of the people that have made me what I am today.  I love you and miss you.  Watch over my Addy for me and one day we will get to be together again.  I am looking forward to that day.  

To see His star is good, but to see His face is better.

Our God

Into the darkness you shine,
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's no one like you,
none like you....

There is no one like Our God.  The word above have been in my head for a few days now.  It wasn't until a few days ago I finally downloaded this song. Being addicted to new music I had put myself on an Itunes restriction. I love to sit down and get new music new sounds to listen to and new stuff from my favorite artists.  One thing I don't download is music from different artist. This one is not of course from an artist who isn't already an extensive collection to my ipod music.  But a different song from Chris Tomlin is all I could do to not want to download it. I refrained for a while until, a few weeks ago sitting in church the band started playing and I instantly knew what song we were going to do. It was this one.  I love this song the words are more what I have been thinking the past few months than anything else out there. I just had to have it.  So I did eventually cave in bought this along with some other music to go with it for my trip:)

But its the words that describe us. It describes all that He has done for us. The fact that in the darkness He was there shinning the light for us. Out of the ashes of our little girl not being here He is pulling us from the pile still smoldering in our hearts and is making us into something new and something that is more pure.  Its just a small example of what Our God can and has done for us.  He is greater, stronger and higher than any other. He is Our God. 

Looking back on what has happened on the past few months and the great things God has done for us even lately. I can't believe what He has done for us and what He is doing to us.  It is amazing the things that He is setting into place and the opportunities He is opening up for us.  To the outside world they might be small or just coincidences but to me they are a sign that My God hasn't given up on me. He is still working to bring me out of this and He is going to show us what to do now.  That has been the hardest part. Not knowing what to do next. Were to go or what to expect but I think with just staying put and letting God guide us we will be ok.  He knows where He is taking us and we just have to trust that He will guide us to the good He has in store for us. 

For that I am forever grateful, without Our God we wouldn't have been able to move forward like we have.  I am not saying it isn't hard we still have hard moments, times and days but I know that when those times come He will be there to pull me out once again. Without that hope I wouldn't be able to go on but knowing I have that is what keeps me going day to day. 

 Because...

Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other. 
Our God is healer,
Awesome in power
Our God...

July 20, 2009

Its the 20th today.  A day that is normal and uneventful to the world around us. A day that means nothing really but it holds a place in my heart forever. It was this day a year ago that we went to the doctor anticipating the news. It was this day that we went into the lab I layed down on a table and they squirted that warm ( our tech is the best and warms it for you) goo on my belly.  It was this day a year ago we learned we were having a baby girl.  Our little hamburger.  This was the first time we were ever introduced fully to our little Addison.  Up to that point sure we talk, sang and did all that stuff to her but it was that day that we first laid sight on our little Addy. 

A year later and things aren't what we expected for them to be a year ago. We have had our life turned upside down, sideways and any way but the right way.  We have faced trials and battles I would have never believed we could have faced and we are still standing, only by Gods strength mind you not our own. If it looks like we are standing tall it is because God has supported us up to look that way.  But a year ago Daniel got to gloat because he was right.  We got to call our family and friends with the good news.. We got to go shopping for little girl things.  All that has stopped and in its place is a hole in my heart and a tear on my check. 

Even still to this day I miss her every moment.  The other day i was sitting at work minding my own business unaware that there was even a baby in the building. Until i heard its cry and I had to do all I could to hold back my own tears.  It is just so overwhelming still to see, hear or be near babies.  Every time I see one everytime i hear one my mind automatically goes to the fact that I had that but couldn't handle it. I know that is irrational. I know it wasn't my fault but that doesn't keep the pain from being there or the thoughts to creep up anyways. It is still so hard at times.

Although the times are getting easier I can know work with the public something I didn't even think i could do a few weeks ago even. I have had my times of struggles. My times of having to excuse myself because tears were forcing there way out and I couldn't stop them. But in those times I look to the one that had brought us this far and know He isn't going to stop now. 

A year ago if you would have told me my life would be totally different. Nothing would be the same I sure wouldn't have thought you meant in this way. Sure I would have been at home with Addy, having to get use to those moments when I want to just run away. But this way I would have never believed you.  But with Gods help I will make it through. He has brought me through another trivial day and another mile stone in our lives that only He could get me through. 

From know on I will always look at July 20 as a special day. It might not mean anything to anyone but me but that is ok. It is just another day to remember and be thankful for those times I did get to share with her. If that is how I can get through these times than that is what I am going to do. Remember her and the God that has brought us through all these trials together. 

Change...Something I Am Not Good At

Change I don't like that word much nor do I like the meaning associated with it. It has been a long year of changes and it only seems to keep coming.  I know that it isn't always a bad thing and sometimes change has to happen for us to get on the right paths and do what God wants us to, but that still doesn't make it any easier.  I know I get this apprehension of change from my Mom's side of the family.  Peep was never a one that liked change that is for sure.  But sometimes it isn't about what we want but what God wants and that is what I have been dealing with yet again this week.

I started my new job on Tuesday and although I was scarred and reluctant to go I knew God had given me this opportunity and I had to at least go check it out and see what He had in store for me.  It wasn't bad first day jitters came and went and over the course of the week all the stuff I had done for those almost 5 years at the other bank started to come back to me and needless to say I am picking it up alot more than I expected to.  The job wasn't really the part I was dreading. The people were. I didn't know if I was ready to be out in the public again. Having to see all those babies and pregnant people. All the reminders of things I had but have lost.  It is so hard.

I wasn't really ready but God has given me the strength to live through each situation when it arises and then move on.  It has been hard in ways. I feel like I have to give up my baby girl yet once again and I hate that feeling. I am not sleeping well again like I did after we lost her.  I sleep just have horrible dreams that wake me up screaming, crying or feeling like I just want to beat the snot out of something. So I wake up getting ready for my new job grouchy and hung over from a night of fighting in my sleep.  Its been hard but I am making it.  The job hasn't been that hard and for that I am truly grateful. 

Friday though that was my first hard day at work. Not because of work but because of what took place.  When I thought of this new job I never really though of all the new people that I would have to work with. Never even thought about the questions and the answers I would have to give.  It happened Friday.  We all got to talking they wanted to know about me.  Asked the typical questions but then the big one came up and I didn't know how to respond like always.  Asking about if we have children.  Its hard to tell people that you do but you don't. A lot of times they don't get it and if they do they want more of the story. That's the part I dread.  Not because I don't want people to know I just am afraid I might start crying again and not be able to stop.  Its just so hard sometimes. 

After I got through that part of the day it seemed to be going ok then a customer drove up. It was a face I haven't seen since that day we had to give her up for good and one I didn't think about honestly. But the funeral director pulled up, in that van he transported my precious baby in.  It was almost more than I could take.  I couldn't wait on him I had to run to the bathroom before the tears started streaming.  It was a hard moment one I wasn't planning on having to face.  Having to pull my composure together and head back to work I prayed for the strength to make it through this day. 

As the day rolled on my arms started hurting again.  Longing for that little body to hold. Wanting her to be here so I could just hold her.  It was starting to get unbearable. I prayed again for God to give me the strength to make it through and He did.  I just don't understand sometimes why these things come up when they do. When you think you have gotten over that part of the pain or you are healing more each day, then you have times like these that seem to stop all progress that seemed to have been made and go back to that same struggle once again.  I know it is just part of the process but does it really have to be this hard forever?

Next week I am headed to a new branch of the bank, meaning more new people and more new questions to answer. I can only imagine what will happen but as long as I know I can call on God and He will come to rescue than I know I will be ok.  He has put this opportunity in my path for a reason and I want to do all I can to make His plan fall into play. So I will go to work on Monday be prepared for those questions and looks and pray that God gives me the strenght each day to get through yet another day of life without our Addy. 

The Job

I got a job!!?  I wasn't even looking which leaves only one explanation, God.  He has been working on this and has put this job in my path at this time in my life for a reason. I am not sure why and I am not sure what to expect but I had to reply to His offer.  Here is how it all went down. 

A few weeks ago when we were in California my husband got a call from his aunt.  She wanted to know if I wanted a job.  He wasn't sure what to say so he got me on the phone with her. At first I was excited. It is still in the bank industry, still being a teller like before only at a different bank than before.  I was kind of excited about it and it did help me come back.  I didn't want to but it did help to know I had an opportunity I had to check out.  So I went in that week we got back on Friday.  Got an application and filled it out that day.  Then it sat on my kitchen counter for about a week and half or so. I don't know why. I was just so reluctant to finally take it down there. What if they really did hire me? Am I ready, do I really want a job, or even this one? All those questions just stopped me from pursuing it any more.  Yet I could never shake the thought that I needed to take it in.  Finally last Wednesday Daniel's aunt called again and wanted to know if I was ever going to bring the app in?  I was caught I had to do it now. So I got ready got in the car and drove it down there. I got to talk to the Human Resource lady that time and we had a short conversation about what they wanted and all.  They seemed really interested in me.  She said she was going to call me back either that following Friday or Monday.  So It was a waiting game then.

On my way home I realized that I was kind of excited about the prospect of going back to work. Maybe it will help me along this journey. It will only be part time once I get the gist of it all and I think that would be good for me when I finally do get pregnant again. I don't want to work full time but I don't know what God wants either. So I waited.  I finally hear from her and they had decided to hire me.  No more wondering I got the job.  That is when all the fear and panic set in. 

It wasn't that bad at first kind of exciting to get back in the game and get out there and earn some money. But then it all hit me this morning and I had no clue what I was in for. I woke up after having some very scary dreams.  I was agitated but more than anything i was afraid. Afraid to go back, afraid of what to expect. I felt like what I would have expected a drunk to feel like after a night of parting. I was confused, dizzy and had no idea what to even think. It was just so weird. I finally pulled myself out of bed and headed out for our morning walk.  As we walked I started thinking and that is when it started to come a little more clear to me. I was panicked about this job.  What it meant, what it represented but most scary of it all the change it was going to put on my life. 

I have gotten so use to being home in my bubble. When I am having a hard day I can just stay home and focus on getting through it. But if I have to get up and go to work will I be able to do that? Not just that but the fact of what it represented. It represented a life that didn't happen. I had planned to stay home for a reason. That reason isn't here so there is really no reason to keep me at home. But to accept all that, that is what has me in freak out mode. 

I know I shouldn't be worried about it. But to think about this is like saying good-bye to her all over again. Saying good-bye to those dreams of me staying home and taking care of her. And even though I haven't had her here to take care of it is still feeling like I am having to give her up all over again. It is just so scary. I don't know.  My first day is Tuesday and as that day draws closer I get more frightful at what is in store. I know that if it is a God thing, which there is no doubt it isn't than it will be good I just have to trust in that. But still a piece of me doesn't want to let go, not yet, not again. 

Endurance

"Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:3

What is Endurance? I know what the dictionary definition is it is the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions. But what does it really mean in life? In our faith? As I was studying today I came across this word and for some reason my eyes just stopped on it.  When I think about endurance I think of a marathon. Runners pushing themselves to the limits to reach there goal and cross that finish line.  I think of the strength it takes to finish that race.  To finish... To endure is to finish that which we have started in a way.  We will only get to the finish line if we endure all that is waiting for us before we get there right?  I found this other definition and I really liked it, it says that endurance is the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships.  


The power of bearing pain or hardships.  That is so what it feels like we are doing right now. We are enduring the pain.  We are getting through this hardship, we are striving to finish this painful part of our lives.  We will always have the memories the times when it all seems to be too real to bear but to get through it and endure until the end that is what I am striving for.  The strength to keep moving even when I want to collapse and bury myself under all the pain.  God wont let me do that though.  Even when I try and want to He always pulls me up and gets me to a point where I can get back out there and run a few more steps. Even if now my endurance can only handle a few steps I want to take those because that is what God has planned for me.  


The best part of this is that He is the one that is allowing me to endure in the first place. Without Him I would have probably done just that, buried myself and not ever wanted to get out again. I would have taken myself out of the race permanently. But with God He knows that and He knows me, so He can help me when I reach those tough times.  I know there will be tough times ahead. I am sure of that but He is going to give me the strength and the confidence to endure those times.  That's all I need then.  


I found this verse by accident, well I now know that it wasn't an accident God wanted me to see this verse, but it wasn't even what I was looking up. Just another proven way that God is directing me to the places He wants me to be.  If I fall down, which I will, He will come pick me up.  That is an amazing thought and it gives me peace to move on and be able to live life the way He wants me to. To do what He wants me to do...now if I can just figure that part out:)

Special Weekend

It had been a special weekend of just fun and relaxing just me and my man.  That was so good to get away and just hang out with him.  We do alot together but its these special times I cherish the most.  Since Addy our whole perspective on things have changed especially special events or milestones.  We know try to celebrate it all because we never know when the last time we get to do that will be.  We celebrate birthdays and Mother's and Father's day now was the time to celebrate us. 

Its hard to believe that 7 years ago we said those vows and made that special day a reality.  Life goes by so fast and if 7 years ago you would have told me what was going to happen I would have still married him.  I am sure we would have made different issues involving having kids but other than that there isn't anything I can think of that we would do over again differently. It has been rough the past few months and a time to reflect on us and get back to just being us again was good. Although there is always something missing. Last year we went to the Zoo for our anniversary, with Addy. This year we went to a Redhawks baseball game and shopping!!

As we celebrate this day it is hard not to miss her. Hard not to think about what it would have been like. I am sure we would have still celebrated just with her here with us.  I had always dreamed of her watching our wedding video and getting to see that special day unfold with her own eyes but that is a corny dream and tradition that none of my children will really want to be accustom to I am sure.  Its just different.  As time goes by it starts to feel more and more like it is always just going to be the 2 of us.  Although I know God has better plans and it will all work out in midst of it all it is still hard to look to the future when there is a gaping hole in it that will never get fixed. 

But if we have days that need celebrated we are going to do that and make them special.  It might not mean anything to anyone else but to me it means alot.  Daniel has been by my side this whole time never letting go and that is all that I could have asked him to do.  He truly has surpassed all my dreams in that aspect and he does all he can to make me happy.  I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend this day with or to spend these past 7 years with. They have been truly amazing and an adventure.  I love him more now than ever and to see him live his feelings out for me everyday is all I ever wanted. 

So to Daniel thank you for the past few years.  It has been amazing and exciting.  Thank you for sticking with me through all this and understand, or at least acting like you do, when I am going crazy.  I love you and hope the next chapter in our life is just as good as this one.  I love you bunches.