The Bears

I am amazed at how God is working in our lives for the better. I knew better things were coming and it might just be something small but I am excited about it.   I have been wanting to start something, do something just wanted to help others who have gone through what I have gone through. I know there are a bunch out there and I wanted to help in some way.  The last blog I posted a friend commented with a link to another lady that has lost her baby and she is blogging like I have to help her through it. Thank you so much Verla for that, you started it all:) 

One night last week we were having a hard night. Just missing Addy the both of us and we were lying in bed holding each other crying and Daniel tells me that he saw a comment on our blog and proceeded to tell me that it had a link to another blog.  He said he went on it just to check it out and the blog post was about a bear the writer had received. It was weighted bear the same weight of her lost baby and she had just received it.  He told me he was ordering us one.  Curious about it all I had to go online and look it all up the next day to see what it was about.  That was when I was first introduced to Molly Bears. 

Molly Bears is a organization a women started after she lost her infant daughter. The story is really touching and hit pretty close to home. She was given a weighted bear after her loss and decided she was going to start making them for other Mom's who have lost their baby's.  She makes bears and sends them to grieving mothers.  It gives mothers something to hold and I understand the importance of that.  I have struggle to find something that would sooth the aching in my arms and nothing had worked.  As I researched it more I went and looked at the waiting list.  She has over 300 bears in waiting and she is the only one working on this project. She does it completely out of pocket with no expense to the recipeints. I was amazed and touched that someone had found the right thing to do.  After a quick look I was out the door to work.  I couldn't stop thinking about this though.  The thought of it all just overwhelmed me. As the day drug on I found myself thinking more and more about it and that was when I did it.  I emailed the lady and althought at the time I felt silly and unsure of how it came across I just knew I had to do something to help her.


After I sent the email I was scared at how it would be taken. I mean most people don't email strangers and ask to help them. I started to doubt my actions but as I prayed for God to be in the situation and for His will to take over I felt a sudden calmness. I understood that God was in it all and that He was going to give me the response I was waiting for. Sure enough I got an email back and she was eager for the help.  I am so excited!! I am going to be helping her make the insides of the bears, the weighted parts. I am ready and excited to do it. I am just amazed at how God put all those pieces together and put me in the path and place to help someone do something for other Mom's like me.  I know it sounds silly to be excited about it but I am.  I am ready to help get these bears out to other Mom's and to know I had a hand it will be more rewarding than anything. 

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

Would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing,
cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that coming-Josh Wilson

I downloaded this song a few weeks ago. Forgot about it and was searching through my music and found it.  How appropriate that I forgot about it right? I am sure that was God holding it for me for the perfect time to share it again.  He is good at that you know, having the perfect time to share things with us.  He has been doing a lot of that the past week and every time it happens I am in shock yet again at what He is doing for us. It is amazing.

We are headed to the city today to celebrate Addy's 1st birthday. Hard to believe its been a year ago since the precious little girl was born. Even though she isn't here with us it still is a good day. We will share the sadness and tears for the separation we are feeling. But we know like the song said we are going to have joy again. A great joy that wouldn't compare to the pain that we have dealt with the last year. We are going to be able to hold her again and that is the hope and the promise I am looking forward to.

It is now Tuesday and a lot has been done since that last start...I never got around to publishing it:)  We did go to the city had a weekend of events and shopping ahead of us to try to get through Addy's birthday. It was a good day. We had our moments and our times of tears but we also shared some good times too.  We went to dinner the movies and just hung out together and talked about our sweet little girl we miss so much.  I think this past week gave us a chance to focus on the future now. It has been so hard to do that with all the pain still throbbing of the loss. But as time goes by the throbbing is starting to ease and God is getting us ready and prepared for His big plans. I am not sure what He has in store but I know it is going to be good. Something to rejoice and have great celebration over. To have joy again is going to be the best gift possible.

I am amazed yet again at how God loves us so much He will just hold us in the dark times and He prepares for the good stuff. He already knows what is coming and someday we will look back and be even more amazed at how He has used this time to allow us to grow. It has been a rough year a rough time, I still miss her like the day she left but I can think about her without crying for a whole day so that is a good start. 

We are just looking forward to the next step the next road God is going to lead us down. I am sure it will surpass anything we can imagine.  We are just so truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends that have filled our hearts with love and prayers these past few weeks and throughout the year. It has been a great strength for both of us to know that we have people that care enough to remember our little girl with us. To all of you I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  The support you have show to us truly is a reflection of Gods heart and without it this journey would have been unbearable at times.  So for all our family and friends who have stuck by us thank you it means more than you can ever know. 

Lets get ready for that joy!!!

Band-aids

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
   --Psalm 147:3, NLT

 God is showing us His strength today.  After  a fairly hard weekend and a week that I have been dreading the arrival of for awhile now, He shows us this verse.  I got ready to sit down and write in my journal I always start the entries off with a verse and after praying a quick prayer that God would show me the right thing today I started searching. After reading a few stories I haven't ever really read before I couldn't help but feel like I was just off the mark today. I just wasn't finding what I was looking for. So I pull out my concordance and start looking through that. Still not anything that just seems right.  I then decide to give it a break. I write in my journal anyways and then pray and decided to go about my day. I decide to check my email and as I open it a message pops up in my inbox from my Mom. A simple and short email with this verse attached to it. It was KLoves encouraging word for the day. As I open it and read it the tears start to flow again.  God is talking to us right now and He is showing us what we need to see. 

Not only is He here for us but He is putting bandages on our wounds. He is fixing us up to get ready to get back out there bandaged and ready to go.  As I think about this verse and how much it means to me not just the way I have been given it today but also the way the words are speaking to us directly I got to think about how appropriate it is.  We are in need of some great big band-aids and God is the only one that has them and is able to fix this hurt.  Funny but Daniel I kind of laughed about something similar yesterday while at church. I noticed that one of the men sitting in front of us had his arm around his wife.  That wasn't what caught me eye though on his finger was a band-aid and not just a plan sticky brown one. No it was a Scobby-Doo one.  I had to laugh and show Daniel. He makes fun of me because the only band-aids I buy are Hello Kitty. The last time Daniel hurt himself and had to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid he thought it was kind of silly.  But I had to show him that the band-aid reflects the family.  After seeing it my way he doesn't complain to wear a Hello Kitty band-aid if it is for his baby girl:)  Anyways that got me to thinking I wonder what Gods band-aid design is?

I like to think He has one especially designed for us. One that can only fix this probably His way. One that He created for me to heal me the only way that He can. I like to know that I am that special that I get a designer one of a kind band-aid from God.  I want mine to be purple please:) How special is it that He is not only in the business of holding us when we are hurt but He also applies our band-aids and get us back on our feet again with His love.  I think in a way He is telling us that we are going to be better. The healing is starting to hold and we are going to be able to move on.  We might have to walk around with a band-aid on for awhile but that is better than having a exposed wounded. He is showing us that we are getting near to happy times and better things. We have walked through this with Him and He isn't going to let go now.  So with that I will wear my purple one of a kind God band-aid with pride and know that He is the one fixing me even when it feels like it can't be done.  He can and is doing it.  

Scorched Places

"And the Lord will continually guide you; and satisfy your desire in scorched places..." Isaiah 58:11

I found my journal today.  The one that I have been looking for, the one I started writing in about a year ago. I am so glad I did that now. Although at the time that was all I could do just write down what I was feeling and how things were going but today I can look back on it and know exactly where I was and what I was feeling when I wrote it all down.  It has brought me some comfort knowing I can look back and see the progress I have made. Although it is extremely hard to read it is still good to have. I had decided I wanted to start writing in it again. So when I found it I was excited. I opened it up and the last entry I wrote was right before I went back to work this summer. I had started writing in it again after the Lord had opened this job up. I was feeling all sorts of feelings and had to write what I was feeling to sort through them all.  As I stood there reading the entry, tears started streaming down my face.  I can't explain the pain that I still feel. The emptiness and loneliness that sometimes comes when I am alone in the house that we were all suppose to share together. It is hard.  But at the top of the page in purple ink was this verse.  I read it and got to thinking.

This verse is very fitting right now.  He has and will continue to guide us through these times.  Our hearts are broken and scorched.  But He is going to be there, He is going to guide us and He is going to get us through yet again.  Just like He did this weekend.

Halloween, it isn't that big of a deal not a major holiday that will cause me grief and pain right?  That is what I keep telling myself the past week.  Until the day came and then the answer was reviled.  It was a big deal.  We didn't have our Addy to dress up. We weren't going to get to go to the church harvest party with a cute little pumpkin bucket and dressed up.  All those dreams I had a year ago, sitting at our party with her kicking inside, all that wasn't going to take place.  I woke up heartbroken Saturday morning. I didn't want to get out of bed didn't want to face the day or the events that were going to take place, i couldn't do it.  As I lay there clinging to Addy's blanket crying I just started praying, praying God would help me.  That He would plan my day so I didn't have to. He would give me a reason to get out of bed and face the day, because I couldn't and didn't want to do it with out Him.  Still grieving I got up and decided to work on some projects maybe try to take my mind off of the pain in my heart.  As I did a peace came over me, I can't explain it but He just calmed my heart and mind and allowed me to focus on other things. 

Pretty soon my phone rings, its Daniel,  he proceeded to tell me that after he gets off work we are headed to Oklahoma City.  Why? We hadn't planed a trip we have no reason to go down there. We are going next week for Addy's birthday why go this weekend? As I question he tells me.  A customer had come in to his shop and had asked him if he wanted to go to the OU game that night. He had tickets and wasn't going to use them needed someone that would use them and go. Since most of the people he knew had kids and Halloween plans that night he wasn't finding anyone that wanted them.  God decided we needed them:)

After hanging up the phone and making a last minuet hotel reservation I am suddenly hit with the thought,  God did this for us.  He placed all this into motion on a day that getting out of bed seemed impossible, God is planning our day just like I asked him too.  It was something I can't describe. To most it wouldn't be seen as a God thing but to me it was a clear sign that God is and will continue to guide us even on these hard days. 

We had a good time a good weekend and a great drive down just worshiping and thanking God for what He was and is doing for us during this time. It has been hard the closer her birthday comes. But I know that God is going to get us through that and the days around it just like He did this weekend. He is going to comfort us and show us His love and support even on the days we don't know what we are going to do. He is going to be there He is going to guide us and I am convinced He is going to show us the joy after the sorrow.  Its coming and I am getting prepared for it. He promised it and I am looking forward to all the happiness He has in store for us, because its coming!!

Another day...

Another day, another set of difficult moments, at least for now.  It has been a rough day. Starting when I walked through the door at work.  I got news that a girl from another department had ended up having her baby last night and she named her Madison June. Of course not knowing what they where talking about I heard that name and had to stop a moment. Did they just say what I was thinking they said? After further conversations it was confirmed that was this new baby’s name.  Really how much closer than that can you get to my little girls name? That was hard part number one. I had to excuse myself and go out side for a moment afraid that the emotions that I was feeling and that were written across my face, I am sure, weren’t going to pose as s problem.  After my sudden leaving and returning with tear stained face I decided I wasn’t going to let this bother me all day I was determined. 

 

A few hours later after forgetting about that incident for the time being, only due to Gods help, round two hit.  I was sitting there minding my own business when a couple came in with two small children. They sit down directly across from me in my line of sight and are doing there business. I hear the man tell the lady waiting on them the smallest of the two boys was going to be a year in a month and a day.  Only a few days after my Addy.  After hearing this I can’t help but try to avoid all sight of them.  I couldn’t get that kid out of my sight. I deiced I am not going to let it get to me I am going to not cry. But as I sit there with nothing in between me and this child I realize I can’t do this. I had to again exit for a few minuets until the couple had safely left my line of sight.  I just got caught off guard and didn’t know what to do.   

 

After the two events of my morning have came and went I realize I have a lot of healing still left to do. I didn’t think we were that far off, I figured I had to be getting closer to seeing the light and moving on in a positive way with what we have been left to live with. But again I am wrong. Again I realize without God there is no way I could or would have made it as far as I have. I would be even more of a crazy than I already am.  Its only through the strength that God has given to us that lets us get through these moments and move on to the next.  I am convinced that once Addy’s birthday is over with, once this milestone has come and gone maybe things will get back to normal. I realize I will always be the grieving mother but that doesn’t mean I have to let it run my life. I will always have these moments and when the world around me is oblivious to anything that might be happening inside my life God isn’t. He knows and He reaches down and picks me up when I can’t do it myself. He is the one that holds me and I can’t forget that ever. Because without Him holding me I wouldn’t be able to do this another day.  Thank God that we have Him to hold us in these times!!!

Hard Days Are Here Again...

Here I am again. As the time get closer to little Addy's first birthday the trauma and pain have hit again.  Not at the extent of what it was but never the less it is still here and still a consistent struggle for the both of us as that day draws near.  It has been a particularly hard week. After a wonderful 9 day visit with my parents it was time for them to get back to there life in Cali. While we stayed behind and got back to ours. That was particularly hard, but always is.  But after they left it was hard to get adjusted to the quite house and it being just the 2 of us again. Not that I don't enjoy that but it just seems like it is a constant reminder of the person that is missing in our day to day life. A year ago I was preparing for our world to grow and expand and be the three of us, in a way it is, but not physically and that hurts sometimes. 

Its these times that I miss her the most. I think of her all the time. With the change of color in the leaves and the cooler weather arriving it takes me back to a year ago when all this was happening but with anticipation and excitement that is not here this year.  I don't know it is hard to describe the hurt and the emotions that are going through me lately.  I have been very emotional at times my emotions just take over before I know what is happening and then it is too late to gain any composure. It is just sudden, violent attacks of pain and then after it is all over I am left feeling worn out and hollow.  Almost as if the days ahead are too much to endure. After a year of facing this reality everyday I just wanted it to be over. Or at least be a little more calm.  I wasn't prepared for all the memories and all the pain to come flooding back.

It has and will continue to be hard for us. I am sure as the day grows closer maybe I can keep my mind busy with other things so that it isn't as hard as I am expecting it to be.  We are going to have a Birthday weekend for her.  We are going to go the city see Shrek the musical and see a basketball game with the Youth group.  It will be a time of fun but also a time to remember that little precious girl we had to let go of.  But we will be here when it is over and I know the only way we are going to get through this, like so many other times recently, God is going to be holding us through it.  That is a thought that can and does put me at easy and helps me through these most difficult times.  

Dreams

Here we go again….

 

Another moment in time, another day and another month without our little girl.  I thought I had been doing pretty good. I thought, that was my first mistake to think that I was getting past the grieving part and on to the living life part.  I am sure that to some point we are getting past it all. Trying to make the best out of a situation that we wish would have never happened. Trying to overcome this grief but struggling with even more.  It has been a long road and one that I am painfully aware we will have to travel the rest of our life. Although I know the pain will not always be so intense, so brutal I understand that we will always have to deal with it to some extent.  It  just doesn’t seem fair.  That is the state I am in recently.  Nothing about this seems fair or is. 

 

The other night I found myself dreaming again of our little baby.  She was crying reaching for me but I could never get close enough to hold her. She keep slipping farther and farther away until she was no longer in my sight. I woke up in a cold sweat not wanting to go back to sleep for fear of what I might see while sleeping.  With a long prayer and a tear stained pillow I went back to sleep without her in my dreams. 

 

A few night later  Daniel is telling me about a dream he had the night after mine. As he tells me all I can do is cry while I listen.  In his dream he was at home and Addy shows up with him. As you can imagine we get so excited to see her.  She is talking and having a good time. He is holding her in his arms and is wanting to take her out to show off our little miracle child. The one that has been gone but know is back.  As he gets her ready he is telling her his plans and all the people she is going to meet.  She stops him in his tracks when she tells him “ Daddy I can’t go I have to wait for Him.” Confused and not knowing who she is talking about Daniel tries to convince her that there isn’t any one she needs to wait for we all are here.  She tells him again, “ No daddy I have to wait for Him and you do too.”  Then he sees Him.  He sees the person Addy insists on waiting for it is our Jesus.  He doesn’t do or say anything he stretches out His arms and Addy returns to them then He tells Daniel “ I have her for now just keep trusting in me and you too can go with us one day.”  Then she is gone. As quickly as she came.

 

The dreams, the moments that we both can be with her, for a seconds those are the times that have seemed to play the toll on my mood lately.  Then a few days ago it all hit again. I woke up feeling like it happened the day before. Like it all was so new again. The pain, the scarred feelings the unbelief.  It was too much.  I didn’t get much done I just feel apart every time I tried to move on with life. It was like life is moving on too quickly without her. Too quickly to forget that she was ever here, too quickly for my emotions to catch up.  I couldn’t focus or have motivation to do anything so I decided to get ready and head to the store.  On my way I compose myself and as I walk threw the front doors I see a pregnant lady walk past me.  It was all I could do to not walk out right there. I needed to get some things though so I trudge on.  Eventually I head back to the car no sooner do I start the car that my tears start to flow. I cried all the way home.  Not sure why, but once they started the wouldn’t quit.  I got home and Daniel was there for lunch. I immediately fell into his arms and just let all my emotions drain out.  

As the days and weeks go on I realize there are going to be more moments like this.  I will never be the same not without her here. I am always going to have days or weeks that seem to be overwhelming and hard. But I also know that when those times come I have an amazing husband and family that will help me through and I will make it to another day.