I was studying the other day about King Belshazzar. For those who don't know or need a refresher this King was a king in Bible that threw a big party. During that party he took out and used some of the gold and silver dishes from the temple. This was not a good thing to do. So while he threw this big bash with thousands of people there getting drunk something strange happened. During the fun something appeared out of nowhere. It wasn't something anyone could explain it was a hand. Just a hand no body or any other parts that normally accompany the hand just the hand and this hand started to write inscriptions on the wall. Well, to make a long story short all the people left.
The king was terrified of course and called for all his wise people to come and read the inscription. None of them could so Daniel was sent for and brought in to read it to the King. Now what Daniel had to tell the king wasn't great news, basically the writing said that the kings days were number, or about to end, all of the stuff he had to rule over was going to be divided amongst the enemy and he had been tried and feel short of what he was suppose to do. So after Daniel tells him this he leaves and that night the king is killed. A pretty sad story if you think about it but this is why I have been thinking about it.
The other day while I was in the shower I saw a letter on the bathroom wall amongst the fog. It was a letter I didn't remember putting there but might have at some point. Don't tell me I am the only one that still plays in the fog on the shower walls. Come on it is fun and you can draw and then it goes away. But anyways as I looked up at what I saw tears streamed out of my eyes instantly. It was just a simple letter but one that stands for so much for us right know. It was a capitol A. Just like that clear as I could type it, there it was under the fog. Why did I see that and how did it come about?
Like I said i don't remember putting that up there and I know Daniel didn't do it. But I know someone did just who is the mystery. But why the letter. I think it was there to remind me that this did happen. Lately I have been feeling like it has all been a dream. Like i really didn't go through that I never really got pregnant. I don't know I am sure it is the devil trying to get me to negate what God has done through it all. But i needed that reminder that day. I go on about my days and as they do get a little easier at times I feel almost sick to my stomach when I say that. I still miss my daughter more than anything and if i could have her here i would but for it to get easier I am not sure that will ever happen. Just when i think that maybe we are making some progress something happens and i feel like we get knocked back down. Although we don't stay down as long and the road up seems to be getting shorter it is still hard. I was having one of those days. I had been knocked down and had been trying to get up but was having troubles with that part that day. Then i say the writing on the wall. I saw that A and i just knew that she was going to be here with us no matter what. Even while doing task that are simple and we do everyday she is still with us even during those times.
I can't imaging how that king felt when the hand appeared. I know I would be peeing my pants more than just getting weak in the legs like the king did. To see those words that he didn't understand or get. I can relate to that part. Althought i understood what that letter means to me it was hard to see it in that subtle of a place. He had to bring in all the top dogs to see what it meant. I did to in a way, although I only called in one and He was the one who knew what it meant from the start It was there for me to remember and not forget that she is waiting for me and that she loves me.
The Bible dosn't say if the inscription stayed on the wall or vanished after all this. I like to think it stayed there as a reminder to all that entered and was there to witness it. They could look at that point if they ever doubt what had happened to there king and see exactly the truth and the meaning behind it. But not just that the miracle of the writting. I think that is why my A has stayed there. Even after a few cleanings and a lot of steam overtaking it. It is still there as reminder to me that she will be with me. She is with our God and if I just trust that I will get to see her again. I will get to hold her again and I will get to tell her how much I love her.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
What is that?
I was in the bathroom primping my hair today when I found something that shocked me to the bone. Something so terrifying, it was almost all I could do from screaming in horror. It was more terrifying than a creepy eight legged spider on my towel. More scary than leaving my hairdryer plugged in while in the bath. It was a....White Hair. On my head!! It was so pure white that when I first saw it i gasped in horror. I thought i had just got styling gel that wasn't worked in good enough. So as i try to work it in harder and harder i realize it wasn't gel at all it was attached and it was a hair!!
Ok so I might be a little dramatic about it but I am too young for white hairs. I am too young to be going gray aren't I? Well actually gray I might have taken that a little easier but it wasn't gray at all it was white like the color of snow. It wasn't the first one I have found in the past few weeks. My hairdresser, which is also one of my best friends, told me she had found a patch of small ones but i just laughed it off. I didn't really think she meant it. Although if you ever meet her you would know she will tell you the truth no matter what. I thought she was just being mean. But there it is was for real staring me in the face a big fat ugly white hair. I had to pluck it. Despite all I hear I couldn't bare to live with it. It was too much for me to handle.
Sunday at church I found another one. It was long and as we were singing I just caught the glimmer of something shinny out of the corner of my eye and as i looked to see what it was this long white hair was waving at me. I plucked that one too and showed it to Daniel. As he started rolling on the floor laugh I told him it was his daughters fault and that made it even more funny to him. Sure I make fun of him about his ever receding hair line but he can shave his head and pull it off, I don't think my head is the right shape for that. It is comical but also sad at the same time.
It is a milestone for many but at this age I think there is something wrong. I see the effects that Addy is taking on my body. The stress and grief that have been surrounding us since that day. But i never thought it would go to my hair, my hips and stomach maybe but my hair. I guess that is part of being a mom things change and you have to learn to deal with all the differences in your body.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Basketball Games
Every year the church has a Men's league basketball team. My husband, although against his will, always ends up playing. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the fact that he is involved, just basketball isn't his strongest game. With his short frame and all he is always the littlest guy out there and always picks the biggest guys to block, when he gets to play. But anyways this has been a tradition every since we moved to Woodward almost 5 years ago to date. I have always enjoyed watching him go out there and give it his best.
I don't know why but every year at basketball games I see parents with there newborns or there baby's there and I have always thought that the next year that would be us. Every year sitting at the games watching the parents and kids, I tend to do that more than the game, interact it was just something about that, that I was looking forward to doing.
Like I said it isn't our best sport and gets a little boring to watch our men get stomped every week, so I start to people watch when i get bored. Anyways, so every year for five years now I have thought this year was going to be the year. That the next year when we steep in that gym for the first game I will be able to have our baby in his or her carrier and have something to take care of and watch while the game is going on in the back ground. Every year I would get so excited for the prospect of that happening. Every year I think this next year is going to be different. Well this year was. But we didn't get that expected outcome we were looking for. I was looking forward to taking her to see her daddy sit the bench, or block those six feet giants. I don't know why but to me that was like my rite of passage of a mother. It was like this is real we really have a baby she will have to go everywhere with us even to that stinky old gym to watch her dad play. That was something I looked forward to.
I haven't really faced that emotion untell this past Saturday. I don't know why it seems like you feel like you are getting somewhere in that journey of grief. You are getting closer to being able to function properly again and then something like that out of the blue just hits you and knocks you back down to that point again. It is just part of the process but it sure does stink. You never know when or what is going to set it off and it seems like it is always at the most random of times.
But sitting in that gym watching that game it just hit me. We didn't have our baby. She should have been there. This year should have been the year that we walked into that gym with our baby at hand. I should have been holding her I should have had to take care of her stuff, I should have had her diaper bag next to me. The one we searched for and finally after much searching found the perfect one. I don't know I can't explain it but the grief just flooded over me again.
I made it through the game and the dinner with the team afterwords. I even made it through that quick stroll through wal-mart passing by babies and pregnant women. But when we got in the car on the way home I couldn't hold it any more and just started to sob. I hate that kind of crying the one were you can't catch your breath. I don't cry pretty so I was glad it was night time and Daniel didn't have to see it. But why it hit me so hard. Why did I have to have those thoughts? Why is this still so hard? I don't know it just feels like we get to a point were we can talk about her and laugh and enjoy the good times and then something happens and it all gets put into perspective again. We lost our baby. The one we had prayed for and waited for for years. The one that was going to follow her Daddy around and go shopping with me. She is no longer with us. It felt like that morning all over again. The one were we found out she was gone. It always feels like that morning. But why did a basketball game bring all that out again?
I am sure I will never understand this grief process. It just seems so hard at times. But then I got to thinking about what I had been studying. I got to thinking about the story of Lazarus' death. The story where we see his family grieving and begging for Jesus to come. They knew if he could just be there Lazarus would still be alive. Then when Jesus finally does get there and he finds out that Lazarus is gone we see him feel that feeling. We see Jesus weep. He was feeling that lose. At that moment he was feeling how I feel. He lost his friend and he was mourning. He knows how it feels to lose that special person in your life. He knows.
Of course after we see him mourn we also see him get up from that and go and call Lazarus out of the tomb. But to me the most impressive thing about that story wasn't that fact that he did that miracle. I mean sure that is impressive and I love a good story were God saves the day because He always does and He always will save the day. But to me the most impressive part at this time in my life is the fact that he grieved. He cried just like I do on a daily basis sometimes. He knows that feeling where your heart had been broken so badly you don't think you will ever regain it. HE KNOWS!!
It might not mean anything to anyone else but to know that He has felt that way. He understands all the emotions I went through that night. He understand the feeling of grief. It just makes it even more real to me that he dose understand and He does know because he has been there. It just gives me the strength to dust myself off and get back into that game. It isn't easy and it will never go away but the fact that I have him guarding me and protecting me, it at least helps me to sleep and rest in the fact that He has me and that is all I need to know.
Oh yeah and if you were wondering, the guys did win there game Saturday night. By one point. It was a good one and I did watch more than what some might think. But I can go back in there next game and know that no matter what I see that gym to be God will be with me to walk through the doors and help me get past all those tears that might still need to be shed. He is going to be there right next to me always and that is what I need.
I don't know why but every year at basketball games I see parents with there newborns or there baby's there and I have always thought that the next year that would be us. Every year sitting at the games watching the parents and kids, I tend to do that more than the game, interact it was just something about that, that I was looking forward to doing.
Like I said it isn't our best sport and gets a little boring to watch our men get stomped every week, so I start to people watch when i get bored. Anyways, so every year for five years now I have thought this year was going to be the year. That the next year when we steep in that gym for the first game I will be able to have our baby in his or her carrier and have something to take care of and watch while the game is going on in the back ground. Every year I would get so excited for the prospect of that happening. Every year I think this next year is going to be different. Well this year was. But we didn't get that expected outcome we were looking for. I was looking forward to taking her to see her daddy sit the bench, or block those six feet giants. I don't know why but to me that was like my rite of passage of a mother. It was like this is real we really have a baby she will have to go everywhere with us even to that stinky old gym to watch her dad play. That was something I looked forward to.
I haven't really faced that emotion untell this past Saturday. I don't know why it seems like you feel like you are getting somewhere in that journey of grief. You are getting closer to being able to function properly again and then something like that out of the blue just hits you and knocks you back down to that point again. It is just part of the process but it sure does stink. You never know when or what is going to set it off and it seems like it is always at the most random of times.
But sitting in that gym watching that game it just hit me. We didn't have our baby. She should have been there. This year should have been the year that we walked into that gym with our baby at hand. I should have been holding her I should have had to take care of her stuff, I should have had her diaper bag next to me. The one we searched for and finally after much searching found the perfect one. I don't know I can't explain it but the grief just flooded over me again.
I made it through the game and the dinner with the team afterwords. I even made it through that quick stroll through wal-mart passing by babies and pregnant women. But when we got in the car on the way home I couldn't hold it any more and just started to sob. I hate that kind of crying the one were you can't catch your breath. I don't cry pretty so I was glad it was night time and Daniel didn't have to see it. But why it hit me so hard. Why did I have to have those thoughts? Why is this still so hard? I don't know it just feels like we get to a point were we can talk about her and laugh and enjoy the good times and then something happens and it all gets put into perspective again. We lost our baby. The one we had prayed for and waited for for years. The one that was going to follow her Daddy around and go shopping with me. She is no longer with us. It felt like that morning all over again. The one were we found out she was gone. It always feels like that morning. But why did a basketball game bring all that out again?
I am sure I will never understand this grief process. It just seems so hard at times. But then I got to thinking about what I had been studying. I got to thinking about the story of Lazarus' death. The story where we see his family grieving and begging for Jesus to come. They knew if he could just be there Lazarus would still be alive. Then when Jesus finally does get there and he finds out that Lazarus is gone we see him feel that feeling. We see Jesus weep. He was feeling that lose. At that moment he was feeling how I feel. He lost his friend and he was mourning. He knows how it feels to lose that special person in your life. He knows.
Of course after we see him mourn we also see him get up from that and go and call Lazarus out of the tomb. But to me the most impressive thing about that story wasn't that fact that he did that miracle. I mean sure that is impressive and I love a good story were God saves the day because He always does and He always will save the day. But to me the most impressive part at this time in my life is the fact that he grieved. He cried just like I do on a daily basis sometimes. He knows that feeling where your heart had been broken so badly you don't think you will ever regain it. HE KNOWS!!
It might not mean anything to anyone else but to know that He has felt that way. He understands all the emotions I went through that night. He understand the feeling of grief. It just makes it even more real to me that he dose understand and He does know because he has been there. It just gives me the strength to dust myself off and get back into that game. It isn't easy and it will never go away but the fact that I have him guarding me and protecting me, it at least helps me to sleep and rest in the fact that He has me and that is all I need to know.
Oh yeah and if you were wondering, the guys did win there game Saturday night. By one point. It was a good one and I did watch more than what some might think. But I can go back in there next game and know that no matter what I see that gym to be God will be with me to walk through the doors and help me get past all those tears that might still need to be shed. He is going to be there right next to me always and that is what I need.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My Husband...My Friend
Why do people feel like they need to be mean to each other even over stuff that isn't any ones fault? I can't imagine blaming my husband for something he didn't do. But that question is a haunting one that has been circling in my head since I heard it spoke to him.Do we blame each other for what has happened? No!! Should we did I miss something? I feel like God has given us a strong marriage so that in times like these we can become even closer and stronger. How would that help this situation if I storm off blaming him for what has happened? I just don't understand. Sometimes I feel like people just don't get it. God gave me this man, this marriage for a reason and I must respect him and God enough to do my absolute best to keep them both happy. Like Mom always say's "if you don't take care of what God gave you how can you expect more from Him"
Daniel has shown his true love in ways that I never thought I would have seen. I wish i wouldn't have ever had to see him in that kind of situation but he is so strong. He stayed by my side through it all. He was able to do things neither of us figured he would just because he didn't want to leave me. It just makes me think, if he was willing and able to do that for me what more can God do for us?
He is just like Daniel is. By my side no matter what. We might have bad days. I might get angry and just want to throw stuff but God is there and knows that pain too. He is going through this with us. He is walking us through this storm. He didn't just leave us when we needed Him the most He was and is always going to be there. It is sad that it takes situations like this to make people see the true love that they have right in front of them. The love that more often than not has been pushed aside for unknown or even selfish reasons. The love God has for us. He knew this was part of the plan from the beginning. But with careful consideration, deliberation and thought as to how this was going to effect all involved He decided to go ahead with the plan because He knows the bigger out come. If something great can come out of something like this than you can't help but know that God was behind it. That God's plans they are always bigger and better than any of ours.
My husband is wonderful and continues to this day in supporting me and helping me through this time.
He doesn't expect me to be over it he doesn't get mad when I talk about her. He is there with me and is along for the grief ride as well. We all grieve differently and I have come to realize what I might be doing today he might be doing tomorrow so we need to be there for each other always and not break each other down for not just getting over it.
She was as much a part of me as she was him, I think more of him really. She had his red hair and all that entails with that. The attitude and the looks of her father but she had my hands and big feet. Poor girl she had moms feet:) But to know that every morning I get up he is going to be there and not cut me down or make me feel like I am crazy for still missing my baby. He still misses her too and will always.
For him I just want him to know that what he has done these past few months for us is truly special. I will never forget the moments, even the most painful because he was there holding my hand every step of the way. He is not only my husband but my best friend and for that I am truly thankful.
Daniel has shown his true love in ways that I never thought I would have seen. I wish i wouldn't have ever had to see him in that kind of situation but he is so strong. He stayed by my side through it all. He was able to do things neither of us figured he would just because he didn't want to leave me. It just makes me think, if he was willing and able to do that for me what more can God do for us?
He is just like Daniel is. By my side no matter what. We might have bad days. I might get angry and just want to throw stuff but God is there and knows that pain too. He is going through this with us. He is walking us through this storm. He didn't just leave us when we needed Him the most He was and is always going to be there. It is sad that it takes situations like this to make people see the true love that they have right in front of them. The love that more often than not has been pushed aside for unknown or even selfish reasons. The love God has for us. He knew this was part of the plan from the beginning. But with careful consideration, deliberation and thought as to how this was going to effect all involved He decided to go ahead with the plan because He knows the bigger out come. If something great can come out of something like this than you can't help but know that God was behind it. That God's plans they are always bigger and better than any of ours.
My husband is wonderful and continues to this day in supporting me and helping me through this time.
He doesn't expect me to be over it he doesn't get mad when I talk about her. He is there with me and is along for the grief ride as well. We all grieve differently and I have come to realize what I might be doing today he might be doing tomorrow so we need to be there for each other always and not break each other down for not just getting over it.
She was as much a part of me as she was him, I think more of him really. She had his red hair and all that entails with that. The attitude and the looks of her father but she had my hands and big feet. Poor girl she had moms feet:) But to know that every morning I get up he is going to be there and not cut me down or make me feel like I am crazy for still missing my baby. He still misses her too and will always.
For him I just want him to know that what he has done these past few months for us is truly special. I will never forget the moments, even the most painful because he was there holding my hand every step of the way. He is not only my husband but my best friend and for that I am truly thankful.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Superheros?
Disney Pixar "Every Superhero has a secret identity. I don’t know a single one who doesn’t. Who wants the pressure of being 'Super' all the time?"
I stumbled upon this quote while checking the social network on Facebook. Amazing how you just find things sometime right? I am sure I didn't just find it God placed it in my path but read the quote really read it. That isn't true at all. Maybe in cartoons or on TV it is but guess what, I know a superhero that doesn't have a secret identity. He is what we see all the time. He is truly Super. He is the one that established the phrase superhero and He is the very first one, and will be the very last one.
My God is a superhero. He isn't a character that we see play one way and then turn around and do something different. He has no weakness, which all superheros have. He is everything!! He is what superheros strive to be. He is our God and He is the one that is going to get us through. He is the one that has given us the strength to continue on with life. He is the one that has given us moments of laughter along with the moments of tears. He is the one that has been here by our side through it all and will not get mad at us or leave. He doesn't have to get back to life and forget what has happened. He has our Addy in His arms and He has us too. WOW, He is not only my superhero but also my Father.
He died for me and He rose for me. In His most troubled time he wasn't thinking of himself, or the pain He was enduring He was thinking of us. I know there is never going to be a superhero greater or that can rise to the challenge of the ultimate Hero. God is My Superhero, and He is holding My Addy right now:)
I stumbled upon this quote while checking the social network on Facebook. Amazing how you just find things sometime right? I am sure I didn't just find it God placed it in my path but read the quote really read it. That isn't true at all. Maybe in cartoons or on TV it is but guess what, I know a superhero that doesn't have a secret identity. He is what we see all the time. He is truly Super. He is the one that established the phrase superhero and He is the very first one, and will be the very last one.
My God is a superhero. He isn't a character that we see play one way and then turn around and do something different. He has no weakness, which all superheros have. He is everything!! He is what superheros strive to be. He is our God and He is the one that is going to get us through. He is the one that has given us the strength to continue on with life. He is the one that has given us moments of laughter along with the moments of tears. He is the one that has been here by our side through it all and will not get mad at us or leave. He doesn't have to get back to life and forget what has happened. He has our Addy in His arms and He has us too. WOW, He is not only my superhero but also my Father.
He died for me and He rose for me. In His most troubled time he wasn't thinking of himself, or the pain He was enduring He was thinking of us. I know there is never going to be a superhero greater or that can rise to the challenge of the ultimate Hero. God is My Superhero, and He is holding My Addy right now:)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Stupid Questions
Why do people feel the need to talk even when they don't have anything to say? I understand that people are shocked and don't know what to say when they find out what happened with us. I would be too but to hear some of the things that have came out of peoples mouths lately just makes me wonder do people really find the need to talk to cover up there true feelings?
The other day I had to call to get home owners insurance. Sure we needed it and I have been putting it off so I finally fit it into my busy schedule, and did it. (My schedule isn't that busy I just don't like dealing with that kind of stuff so I procrastinate for those that don't know me that well.) I get on the phone and talk to the secretary no big deal. She asks me what seems like a million questions to those I don't really know the answers to so I just make stuff up. So when i get off the phone with her I called Daniel to check my accuracy in the information I had given. Yeap, sure enough I was wrong on some of it. So I had to call her back and inform her of my lack of knowing what I was talking about.
So on my way to Wal-mart I got a call back from our actual insurance guy. We got to talking about the house and all. He was checking our credit all our personal information up on his computer screen he asks about our jobs. I tell him what Daniel does and then he asked about me. I guess since I haven't really had to tell much people about it I just haven't had to deal with this but I told him I was a house wife now and left it at that. He then proceeded to ask more personal questions just for subject of conversation I guess. He asked that dreaded question how many kids we had. I guess since I am staying at home we must have kids right? Being caught off guard and really paying attention to the road more then the conversation I told just told him. We just had our first daughter and she passed away. I guess since it was the way it came out he replied "well it isn't that big of deal you are young you can always have more."
Silence, did he really just say that to me? To Me, a grieving mother who's daughter is no longer in her arms. To me, a mother who just that morning laid in bed holding tightly to a pound puppy since she has nothing else to hold. TO ME Really... I didn't know what to do or what to say. That moment of silence was so long it felt like an eternity, what do i say? So I say the first thing that come to my mind. Well with Gods help we are dealing with it but losing a child is a very hard thing to deal with. That said the conversation moved on.
I guess it isn't a big deal to other people but to me and my family this is a huge loss. Nothing that can be repaired without the help from the one and only Healer. It just led me to think about why do people feel like they need to say something. An I am sorry to hear that would have surficed. Why do they feel the need to try to make it less of what it is, or make it seem like no big deal. Well you can always have another one. I want another one don't get me wrong but I want her to be here as well.
Which thinking about this brought another situation on hand that happened to Daniel. Not long after he went back to work, which was so hard for him. He had been proud of his daughter and made sure everyone knew she was coming.
A customer called and was talking to him. He had found out what had happened and as the subject turned to that he told my grieving husband this bite of wisdom, which by the way if you are a man and know someone in this position don't say this to them unless you want a nose job. He told him "I guess you just weren't cut out to be a father." Really not cut out. Hello he IS a father. Just because she isn't here with us doesn't mean he isn't her Daddy. She was part him and part me of course he is a father. She looked just like a cute girl version of her father I have news for that guy he is a father.
I guess amongst all this ranting my point is this. If you know someone that is hurting don't try to make them feel better by thinking of something that could be, or might be. It doesn't help. Just tell them that you are sorry, you feel for them or you can relate, if you can, and leave it at that. Actions speak louder than words and if you show them through other things that you truly care those are going to be the things they remember the most anyways. Unless you say something stupid and then they might just remember that stupid question or statement every time they see you.
In all just do what Christ tells us to and love one another. Don't think we have to to talk when sometimes we don't. God will give you the wisdom on what to say when the time is right but to do it blindly i don't suggest it.
The other day I had to call to get home owners insurance. Sure we needed it and I have been putting it off so I finally fit it into my busy schedule, and did it. (My schedule isn't that busy I just don't like dealing with that kind of stuff so I procrastinate for those that don't know me that well.) I get on the phone and talk to the secretary no big deal. She asks me what seems like a million questions to those I don't really know the answers to so I just make stuff up. So when i get off the phone with her I called Daniel to check my accuracy in the information I had given. Yeap, sure enough I was wrong on some of it. So I had to call her back and inform her of my lack of knowing what I was talking about.
So on my way to Wal-mart I got a call back from our actual insurance guy. We got to talking about the house and all. He was checking our credit all our personal information up on his computer screen he asks about our jobs. I tell him what Daniel does and then he asked about me. I guess since I haven't really had to tell much people about it I just haven't had to deal with this but I told him I was a house wife now and left it at that. He then proceeded to ask more personal questions just for subject of conversation I guess. He asked that dreaded question how many kids we had. I guess since I am staying at home we must have kids right? Being caught off guard and really paying attention to the road more then the conversation I told just told him. We just had our first daughter and she passed away. I guess since it was the way it came out he replied "well it isn't that big of deal you are young you can always have more."
Silence, did he really just say that to me? To Me, a grieving mother who's daughter is no longer in her arms. To me, a mother who just that morning laid in bed holding tightly to a pound puppy since she has nothing else to hold. TO ME Really... I didn't know what to do or what to say. That moment of silence was so long it felt like an eternity, what do i say? So I say the first thing that come to my mind. Well with Gods help we are dealing with it but losing a child is a very hard thing to deal with. That said the conversation moved on.
I guess it isn't a big deal to other people but to me and my family this is a huge loss. Nothing that can be repaired without the help from the one and only Healer. It just led me to think about why do people feel like they need to say something. An I am sorry to hear that would have surficed. Why do they feel the need to try to make it less of what it is, or make it seem like no big deal. Well you can always have another one. I want another one don't get me wrong but I want her to be here as well.
Which thinking about this brought another situation on hand that happened to Daniel. Not long after he went back to work, which was so hard for him. He had been proud of his daughter and made sure everyone knew she was coming.
A customer called and was talking to him. He had found out what had happened and as the subject turned to that he told my grieving husband this bite of wisdom, which by the way if you are a man and know someone in this position don't say this to them unless you want a nose job. He told him "I guess you just weren't cut out to be a father." Really not cut out. Hello he IS a father. Just because she isn't here with us doesn't mean he isn't her Daddy. She was part him and part me of course he is a father. She looked just like a cute girl version of her father I have news for that guy he is a father.
I guess amongst all this ranting my point is this. If you know someone that is hurting don't try to make them feel better by thinking of something that could be, or might be. It doesn't help. Just tell them that you are sorry, you feel for them or you can relate, if you can, and leave it at that. Actions speak louder than words and if you show them through other things that you truly care those are going to be the things they remember the most anyways. Unless you say something stupid and then they might just remember that stupid question or statement every time they see you.
In all just do what Christ tells us to and love one another. Don't think we have to to talk when sometimes we don't. God will give you the wisdom on what to say when the time is right but to do it blindly i don't suggest it.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Addy's Mii
So it snowed, all day and all night. Needless to say we have a few inches and where stuck at home with no plans and nothing to do. Lucky for us I had made that trip to the movie store, and had asked for that Wii game for my birthday. We have had a good day of being lazy neither one of use even got dressed, besides going outside to play four about five minuets. It was nice. We can't help but miss our little Addison on days like this. To have seen her tiny reaction to the snow it would have been so much fun. She would have loved being our little snow bunny. Jumping around in it chasing Kolby, who by the way loves to go outside and run it...for about a minuet. Then he is ready to come back in. It isn't as fun to have this much snow and not be able to share it with our little girl. I had always dreamed that we would be able to dress her up in a little snow bunny suit.
It is funny to think of what life would have been like if she were here with us right now. She would probably be watching dad play Wii while mom cooked dinner. Probably oblivious to any change just know that it is unusual for her to see her Daddy this much but be happy he could be here with her, she is her daddy's girl:) Or at least we would be happy she was here safe with us.
On some of our Wii adventures Daniel decided he wanted to make a Addy Mii. For anyone not familiar with the Wii system you can make somewhat likeness of yourself and people who play with you and use them to play all sorts of games. It is fun and funny sometimes to see what people think of your looks when they are putting your Mii together for you, as was the case with mine. It is a good way to be thinner, younger and have styling cool hairstyles, since surprise, there aren't any for the curly Q's in the world like Addy and I. So Daniel created Addy. She is cute has pigtails, red as we can get, lots of freckles and the same nose that her dad's Mii has. Like in real life as similar to her father as she could have been. It was pretty cute if I do say so. It wasn't the fact that we don't have her now i know if she was here she would have had one so to make her a part of everything we do it seems fitting to make her a Mii. But it was hard to see.
He made sure she had the same outfit as him and I and made sure no one else looked like us just so you could see we were a family. It was hard to see that little Mii family mingling around. It should be like that in real life. She should be here and we should be able to hang out just like on days like today. It makes it all to apparent that we are missing someone and it makes moments like this hard. When Daniel exclaimed with pride that he had created Addy I just started to cry. Although we all know he didn't really create her God did I just couldn't help but think how true to reality that was. She was a part of us, is a part of us. God created her for us and made her a part of us. She is a wonderful gift that no one could ever take away from us. She might not be here in person but in spirit she is always with us. We will always do things and be aware of her not being here but we will continue to add her to all we do.
As he started to play the flight game the computer automatically places a passenger with you. Guess who is in the back seat of Daniels plane? He is flying his little Addy:) It was hard to sit there for me and watch that. She was looking around the world and just exploring with her daddy. Just how I always imagined it would be. Even if it is on a game for that short time she was with us again. I know that wasn't a happen chance. I believe with all my heart God placed that little Addy Mii in that plane for a reason. So we could enjoy her and let her be with us in spirit that day. It made it more like it should be even if just for a few minuets.
We didn't get to go put her headstone on the grave that day. It was too snowy, so it is still in my car. But I think God gave us that moment, the moment when she was with us again, so that we can get ready for hard times like that. He gives us a peace that can only come from Him and for that I am grateful. So if you ever play the Wii with us and discover there is a little person in our line up you will know it is our Addy and she is always with us even if we are just sitting around playing games. She is still the basis to all our decisions and will continue to be a part of our life forever.
It is funny to think of what life would have been like if she were here with us right now. She would probably be watching dad play Wii while mom cooked dinner. Probably oblivious to any change just know that it is unusual for her to see her Daddy this much but be happy he could be here with her, she is her daddy's girl:) Or at least we would be happy she was here safe with us.
On some of our Wii adventures Daniel decided he wanted to make a Addy Mii. For anyone not familiar with the Wii system you can make somewhat likeness of yourself and people who play with you and use them to play all sorts of games. It is fun and funny sometimes to see what people think of your looks when they are putting your Mii together for you, as was the case with mine. It is a good way to be thinner, younger and have styling cool hairstyles, since surprise, there aren't any for the curly Q's in the world like Addy and I. So Daniel created Addy. She is cute has pigtails, red as we can get, lots of freckles and the same nose that her dad's Mii has. Like in real life as similar to her father as she could have been. It was pretty cute if I do say so. It wasn't the fact that we don't have her now i know if she was here she would have had one so to make her a part of everything we do it seems fitting to make her a Mii. But it was hard to see.
He made sure she had the same outfit as him and I and made sure no one else looked like us just so you could see we were a family. It was hard to see that little Mii family mingling around. It should be like that in real life. She should be here and we should be able to hang out just like on days like today. It makes it all to apparent that we are missing someone and it makes moments like this hard. When Daniel exclaimed with pride that he had created Addy I just started to cry. Although we all know he didn't really create her God did I just couldn't help but think how true to reality that was. She was a part of us, is a part of us. God created her for us and made her a part of us. She is a wonderful gift that no one could ever take away from us. She might not be here in person but in spirit she is always with us. We will always do things and be aware of her not being here but we will continue to add her to all we do.
As he started to play the flight game the computer automatically places a passenger with you. Guess who is in the back seat of Daniels plane? He is flying his little Addy:) It was hard to sit there for me and watch that. She was looking around the world and just exploring with her daddy. Just how I always imagined it would be. Even if it is on a game for that short time she was with us again. I know that wasn't a happen chance. I believe with all my heart God placed that little Addy Mii in that plane for a reason. So we could enjoy her and let her be with us in spirit that day. It made it more like it should be even if just for a few minuets.
We didn't get to go put her headstone on the grave that day. It was too snowy, so it is still in my car. But I think God gave us that moment, the moment when she was with us again, so that we can get ready for hard times like that. He gives us a peace that can only come from Him and for that I am grateful. So if you ever play the Wii with us and discover there is a little person in our line up you will know it is our Addy and she is always with us even if we are just sitting around playing games. She is still the basis to all our decisions and will continue to be a part of our life forever.
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