Starting Over...Again

I don't really know what has brought me to this place again.  It has been so long since I last wrote anything but yet I find myself wanting to start the process over again...Maybe its the time in grief where I need to let my feelings out and allow God to heal me in away I know only He can. Again.

Its beens a long journey since I last wrote anything and although God has brough us some Joy there is pain in it as well.  Just a short update, since my last post in September of 2011 we have faced alot as a family.  My Dad was diagnosed with cancer in July of 2011. We all had a faith and assurance that God was going to heal him from that battle.  On May 7, 2012 God decided that Dads work here on earth was done and He took him home to be with Him and my precious baby girl. 

In Feburary of 2012 we did find out some every longing news that I was pregnant and was expecting our 2nd Baby!!! We named the baby Jelly Bean until we knew what we where having. We found out the first of May that we were having another girl we named her Becca Sue and on September 20, 2012 that little miracle of perfectness came into our lives.  I don't know what I would do without her. She has brought so much joy and smiles to us all in a time when we needed them most.

It has been a hard journey. Missing Dad in the most precious times is so hard. I don't understand why he can't be here to enjoy his grandbaby. I know he is enjoying far more than anything this earth can offer but it is still so hard to hold her and tell her about the Papa I know she wouldn't get to meet for a long time.  I am determined that she knows him as if he were here with us always!!

Apart from that we have been sent on a new adventure in life as well.  Daniel recieved a promotion, one which the company has never given anyone this young to before, and is now a manager of a Weldon Parts store in Muskogee.  That means we had to move.  We were crazy!! That is all I can say about that. Moving when you have a 2 month old and baby brain still is so hard to do. I know the only way we got where we are today is becasue we didn't do it ,God did it for us. All the details in moving overwhelmed this already tired and confused Mama. But we made it and have settled into our new home in Coweta, Oklahoma pretty quickly. I know God has big plans for Daniel as he works here and learns a new aspect to a job he was already so great at.

A new baby, a new life, a new start. It is good. It is going to have its bumps and wouldn't last long. Life is always changing and you have to learn to live it no matter those changes. You can't fight them they are going to arrive despite what you want or plan. Its not really my life after all its Gods and I will allow Him to take us and give us new starts whenever He wants to. Not all new is bad and I am starting to learn that. After so many sad goodbyes over the last few years I am ready to focus on making happy memories with my precious gift from God.

Our God is Able!!!

Be assured that if God waits longer than you could wish, it is only to make the blessing doubly precious.--Andrew Murray

It has been awhile since I have last sat down at my computer, contemplating what to write or even if I should write anything at all.  I have a sense that I need to just for my own sake so I  can have it to look back on and rejoice in what God has done and is doing for us today.  The past few months have been extremely difficult. The distance away from family, in the most crucial time of our families history. I have been torn so many times with heartbreak and homesickness. But God always brings me through these times with a peace that can only come from him. One that passes all understanding.  We can feel Him in our homes and see Him in our lives everyday and  that is what  I need to get through these days.  

I came across this quote a while ago. It stuck with me and seems to keep true to what it says. He is going to blesses us and when He does it is going to be more than we could imagine. It is just hard to understand that when you are in the middle of it all. But I know that God is going to do what He promises me He will so I have to keep holding on to my faith and believe in Him.  That is what our family is leaning on in these times the belief that God is Who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do!! He is going to get us across this valley and He is going to do wonderful, exciting things for us if we just stay faithful to Him.  

The Latest Happenings

Graduation Cupcake (in case you can't tell it is a wagon:)

Tyler's Graduation Cupcakes

VBS 2011 It was favorite team night...We all had Giants on even Addy bear!

Memorial Day Flowers

VBS Hawaiian Night even Kolby wanted in on the action,  Can't you tell he looks thrilled?

Family Shot

Again...

Here it is our summer happenings, so far.  Not very exciting but figured I better share at some point in time. A lot has happened since that last post introducing Addy Cakes. I have been keeping busy in the kitchen and outside of it as well. I have done a few graduations, pictured above, some random Birthdays and some other occasions but haven't gotten tired of it yet:) That is a good thing.  We just got done with VBS last week and it was great to be a part of something with the kids again. It was hard, but good to start moving forward again.  Since Addy we have been taking a back seat with involvement with the church and was trying just to heal from all that happened at once.  It has finally become clear that now was the time God wanted to start using us again and so awkwardly we are struggling to find our spot. It is different and hard at times but it I know that if we stay faithful to what God wants then He will make it easier as time goes by.  We at least made it through and that is something that last year at this time I would have never been able to say.

We have been staying busy with work and random activities that keep us going.  This past weekend was Fathers Day and although it was hard we made it through and I can see the growth even looking back just one year. God has given us a lot to keep us busy and that is one thing I am thankful for.  It has been time for us to keep going and get back to what God has planned for us in the future. I am looking forward to see what that might be.  We, at times, feel like we are stuck in a holding pattern and no matter how hard we try we can't get out of it.  But to trust God that is what we are trying to do. 

Introducing...

Our new adventure

addy cakes

So here is the story.  A short but sweet one really:)  In my grief I turn to the one thing that makes me feel normal and happy. The one thing I have enjoyed doing since I was a child helping my Nan and Mom in the kitchen making cookies. Well eating more of the dough than making the cookies:) But I have grown up enjoying being in the kitchen creating new sweet adventures and so the next step in our life is one that is bring me back to that time of life were being in the kitchen is fun again.  

I have started my cupcake adventure and have enjoyed it so far. Of course I have only had one official paying gig. But with a few more lined up and business cards on the way I am praying this will be something God can use for His benefit and just allow me to be the baker in it all.  Here are some of our creations so far of course I have to thank Daniel  first because he is the best baking assistant around.  

The Peanut Butter Surprise ( my favorite) and Addy's too:)

The Mystery Cupcake

The Cookies and Cream (our first batch)

 

The Nutter Butter

 Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

 My Spring Lemon

 What Kolby does while I am baking:)

 And The official Cookies and Cream which are Daniel's favorite and all time recommended.

The Waiting

Be assured that if God waits longer than you could wish, it is only to make the blessing doubly precious.--Andrew Murray

I came across this quote a few days ago when I was a reading the book Why? by Anne Graham Lotz.  This book has been helping me through a lot of the thoughts I have had for so long but never have been able to, or known how to deal with them. There are so many whys in our life and when I think about it all I start to question not only why but also what. What am I suppose to do next? What I am going to do now? It has been a struggle none the less but as I think back to the past and where we are today I can only say that we are where we are because God hasn't left us or let go of us this whole time. He is there guiding us and without that guidance I don't know what life today would look like, but it wouldn't be what it is.  

He is there for us every step and He isn't going to let us go no matter what we go through.  It has been a struggle these last few months.  Wanting a baby and feeling let down when we don't get one. That is a scary and emotional journey that seems to have no end to it. I get very discouraged at times and lately I found my self doubt that it will happen again, that we will get that baby we pray for and dream of.  Why is my faith so small, and my trust lacking so much?  I don't understand it all and I can't help but feel like there is something I have done to create this. I know that isn't the case and as I call on God to help me He has proven to me time and again that it will all work out in His timing. His timing is perfect, He is never late or early always right on time. I need to hold to that when these moments of doubt hit and call on Him to be there and I know He will show up right on time.  

Here is one of my new favorite verses that has been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks. I can't wait to see God turn the impossible to possible!!

" The things that are impossible with people are possible with God." Luke 18:27

The Why's that Haunt Me

I lay my “whys?” before your cross,

In worship kneeling,

my mind beyond all hope,

my heart beyond all feeling,

and worshiping,

realizing that I in knowing you,

don’t need a “why”.

---- Ruth Bell Graham

 

Why?  I have a million of questions running through my mind and can’t grasp an answer to any of them.  That small word seems so crushing and huge right now and it seems to be the question I keep returning to on my journey through these times.  I don’t understand most of what is happening in my life.  I feel like I am walking blindly in the dark and have no direct guidance to where I am going I am just walking.  I have faith I understand that He is guiding me. He is leading me to the places I am going. He is leading me on this journey but the uncertainty of it all seem so overwhelming right now.  I just don’t know if I can handle much more.  The waiting is the hardest.  The long journey we have been on seems to only be accompanied by a stretch of waiting. 

 

I don’t like the waiting, the wondering if we will ever get to where we want to be. If God’s plans, which I truly believe are best, are that much different than ours that we are just on the wrong page and I just need to hold on.  I just don’t understand and with that lack of knowledge I am feeling like I am drowning in sorrow and grief yet again. 

 

The why’s of it all of life is so hard to grasp sometime I just want to be able to know for sure what the next step is. I guess that is faith not knowing the next step but trusting God does and will be taking it along with me.  I have been studying just random stuff but it all seems to be leading in the same thought.  I just have to trust. Don’t doubt just trust. I am sure that is the message He is sending to me so this is my journey. To trust in these moments. The moments when life doesn’t make sense, when I am in a place and don’t understand why I am here or what I am doing I just need to trust.  I don’t need to know all the details or the whys just trust He knows them and I need to just lean on that to get me through. 

Unexpected Grief

What a week. It hasn’t been all bad in fact it was pretty good most of it anyways.  Then all at once it happened. One incident that happened for a brief moment in my day made the rest of the day a struggle.  It’s funny how one moment can change the course of the rest of the day. It wasn’t that I haven’t had times like this before. We all know I have had a lot of time like this in the past 16 months but this moment caught me surprise, took my breath away and broke my heart all in one swoop.  Here is how it went down.

 

I was at work on a uneventful Thursday. I normally don’t work Thursday’s they are one of my days off but this week I was filling in for someone and was there doing nothing much at all.  I just got back from lunch and was anticipating the last hour of work to be smooth and hopefully quick sailing.  I just got settled in when out of nowhere this lady pops up at my station.  Not just any customer though one I haven’t seen since I started here. One I didn’t even know what a possibility of seeing.  I wasn’t even prepared.  It was a lady that use to go to our church it wasn’t just that it was something more. She had gotten pregnant at the same time I was with Addy in fact she was due less than a week after me.  So here she is someone that the last time I saw her I was pregnant and she was too. It just was odd and heart wrenching. To make matters worse in her arms was her little boy.  In her arms there he sat. In her arms!! It was heart wrenching.  Why? Could she be holding a boy 16 months later and all I have in my arms is nothing at the moment.  It was so hard to stand there and wait on her.  As I rushed through to try to get her out of my window as soon as I possible could before tears started streaming down my face, she reaches over and gives him a big kiss as if to rub it in.  I doubt that was what she was doing but it hurt. Reality can really sting at times. 

 

Needless to say I ran away and tried to hold the emotions back since I was at work and all. I did pretty good while at work but later it would come out.  I went on with the rest of my day determined not to let it get me down.  I might not have my daughter here to hold and kiss but one day I will be with her.  But that is one day not today and sometimes that reality of it is hard.  The rest of the day followed suit with this moment I am sure not allowing myself to deal with it fully when it happened just made it harder in the long run. But through out the night things were said and attitudes were had and on our way home from a late basketball game, I just unloaded on Daniel. He is so amazing at times like these he just holds me and lets me grieve through it. 

 

Its hard to deal with these times.  Its hard to remember when your in that moment that God has a purpose and  for whatever reason He saw it more fit to have Addy with Him than with us. But its all true. He is in charge, He understand far better than I can and He did this for a reason and I have to accept that and allow Him to use it however He seems fitting.  

On that note I have been reading another awesome book. This one is by Chris Tomlin, you might have heard of him.  It was written a few years ago but it is so good about worship and how to live the life of worship and how to be more efficient in it. I highly recommend it. It is called The Way I Was Made: Words and Music for an Unusual Life.  Anyways in it I came across this verse it is my new verse for the week. It thought it was pretty fitting, well of course it was God put it in my path at just the right time:)  

"You are good and do only good..." Psalm 119:68